Okay, so you’ve met a pretty girl who, for some reason, has agreed to go out on a date with you. You’re getting ready to pick her up for a night out on the town. Maybe you two will hit up a club or, if you’re a fancy type, you’ll take her to the theatre to see some locals attempt to warble their way through Les Misérables. Or maybe you’ll play it safe and do the classic dinner and a movie date. Whatever your plan is, you need to nail it, because you can’t undo first impressions.
You shower and shave. You make sure your hair is properly coiffed. You apply a liberal dose of deodorant and cologne, then gargle with some of that gum-numbing mouthwash so that your breath is minty fresh. Then you finish it off by dressing up in a way that walks that fine line between overly formal and sloppily casual. You want to look and smell good for this new lady in your life.
But you’ve forgotten one very important element of this date: your car. It doesn’t matter how good you look, or how awesome you smell, or how fantastic the night you’ve planned is if you show up at her front door driving your mom’s minivan. The only way that date can possibly end is with a short, awkward hug and the dreaded, “I’ll call you.”
Women can tell a lot about a you based on your car, whether you’re cruising through the city in a jacked-up, chrome-accessorized douche-mobile, a thirty-year-old beater, or a refined and mature Cadillac. So to help you out, we’ve put together a list of 15 women-repelling cars you definitely don’t want to be seen in. Especially on a first date.
15. Saturn SL
Nothing says, “I can’t afford to move out of my parents’ basement and think the Olive Garden is a fancy restaurant,” like driving one of these bad boys. It’s the second-hand car all high school boys learn to drive in because their parents don’t want to shell out more than a thousand bucks on a vehicle their dumbass son is most likely going to drive into a ditch at some point. Have you ever seen one of these new? No. No you have not. It is the perpetual used car that always has a ‘check engine’ light on because its owner can’t afford to take it to a mechanic.
When you pull up in this junkyard gem, your date doesn’t need to see the inside. She already knows that the backseat is littered with McDonald’s wrappers, Wal-Mart receipts, and that textbook you never once opened from your freshman psychology class. And the cushions smell like mildew. It doesn’t matter that you have a “fun” air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror. That car always smells like mildew.
14. PT Cruiser
Why was this car even made? Who thought that was a good idea? And how the hell did it become so popular? It looks like a station wagon got drunk and spent an unfortunate night with a smart car, then nine months later this disfigured mess was born. It is, without a doubt, one of the ugliest cars ever mass produced. Thank God their numbers are rapidly dwindling. For a while there you couldn’t go anywhere without seeing one.
But if you’re one of the unlucky few who still thinks trucking around town in a PT Cruiser is somehow cool, you’re probably going to be flying solo more often than not. The fact that you willfully purchased and drive around in one of these vehicular abominations almost certainly means you have no taste. You probably rock socks and sandals at the beach and tuck your “I survived Splash Mountain” t-shirt into your jean shorts too, don’t you?
Do we really even have to explain why trying to pick up women in a minivan is a stupid, and to be quite frank, futile exercise? The only people you are picking up when you get behind the wheel of a minivan are your own damn children from after school band rehearsal. This shouldn’t even need to be said, but just in case you were contemplating purchasing one of these mom-mobiles, let us be perfectly clear: unless you’re a married dude whose primary cargo is his own offspring and cutely cut orange slices for the aforementioned offspring to take with them to soccer practice.
Yes, they are practical. Yes, they have plenty of storage space. Yes, they can carry up to seven whole passengers! But as a single bro on the prowl, how many passengers are you really expecting to haul around? One. If you’re lucky. Two, if you’re really lucky. (If you catch our drift.) But trust us, you’ll find your luck running out if you spend your weekends roaming around in the choice vehicle of every stereotypical soccer mom.
The original douche canoe.
The only reason you should ever drive a vehicle remotely like a Hummer is if you are an American soldier navigating IED territory while deployed in the Middle East somewhere. If that doesn’t sound like you, then maybe you should back away from the GM sales lot and look for a car that you can actually fit inside a normal-sized parking spot. Seriously. Just back away.
If that doesn’t convince you, hopefully this will: do you know what a girl thinks when she sees some d*ckweed using a stepladder to crawl up inside one of these civilian war machines? “Gee, he must be compensating for something.” Yeah, something. It’s exactly what you’re thinking. Nothing about spending way too much money on an entirely unnecessary gas-guzzler screams self-confidence. And there are few things in the world less sexy than an insecure douchebag with too much money to spend and none of the intelligence to spend it wisely.
11. Smart Car
On the opposite end of the spectrum from the Hummer is this little guy: the Smart Car. It isn’t douchey in the same ignorant, meatheaded way that a Hummer is, but just because you can parallel park in a spot the size of a shoebox, that doesn’t mean your car is cool. Just tiny. Really, really tiny.
And sure, the whole environmentally friendly aspect of Smart Cars is admirable. Truly. We would never belittle a car for having great gas mileage or a small carbon footprint. We will, however, belittle it for looking like a prop from the Honey, I Shrunk the Kids movie franchise. Honestly, how could you ever expect someone to hop in the passenger seat of a vehicle that Arnold Schwarzenegger ripped the door off of in an Expendables film, and not feel like they are going to be turned into a pancake every time you drive a little too close to a school bus.
10. Ford Crown Victoria
There is nothing inherently wrong this standard sedan from Ford. It’s nothing special to look at, but it certainly isn’t ugly. It handles well. It’s got a decent amount of room inside. All in all, it’s a pretty reasonable car. It won’t repel women due to its aesthetic quality, value, or safety.
It might scare them off, however, because they’ll probably assume you’re either a taxi driver or a cop, as the vast majority of Crown Vics on the road are cabs and police cars, which might really be useful if you’re a prolific prankster, but it probably isn’t so useful for attracting the ladies. So unless you’re showing up to a bachelorette party in tearaway clothes and a ghetto blaster on your shoulder, neither cabbies nor cops are particularly sexy to most women. Actually, come to think of it, even a stripper cabbie isn’t very sexy, so it’s probably best to steer clear of the Crown Victoria.
9. Ford E-150
Speaking of the police, there’s a good chance any woman who sees you in one of these big ol’ creeper vans will be dialling 911 ASAP. Especially if you’ve made the unfortunate decision to buy a white one. A giant, white, boxy van like the E-150 is the classic pedophile vehicle. The only way you could be more terrifying is by wearing a clown mask, scrawling the words “free candy” on the side of the van in human blood, and parking beside an elementary school. We’re not even joking. The only passable excuse any man has for getting behind the wheel of an automobile such as this, is if you’re moving and this is the only vehicle the rental company had left. And if that’s the case, then you probably don’t have the time to be worried about picking up women anyway. So go ahead, load up your IKEA furniture into your creepy murder van, and have a good time in your new apartment that is at least 500 meters away from any school or playground.
Any person, male or female, who sees you driving this particular little crap-mobile and who knows anything about the Yugo, will instinctively run in the opposite direction. Also known as the Zastava Koral, this Serbian-made death trap regularly appears on lists detailing the worst cars ever created. Its long list of junky problems includes ill-fitting dashboard pieces, broken timing belts, and the possibility of being blown right off the road by a strong gust of wind. Oh yeah, the company that made the Yugo was sued over the wrongful death of a Yugo owner when her car was reportedly blown right over the guardrail of a bridge in Michigan.
To make matters worse, this boxy, pint-sized car looks like it was based off a crayon drawing done by a toddler, complete with a stick drawing of his family and pet dog. It’s a cheap car made out of cheap parts with precisely no imagination put into its design.
7. Station Wagon
Any of them. Literally any version of the station wagon that has ever been produced. Buick, Plymouth, Chevy— it doesn’t matter. Don’t even bother. They might be reliable family cars and some of them are great on gas mileage, but if your goal is to impress the fairer gender, bragging about how many groceries you can pack into the back of your wood-paneled dad-wagon isn’t exactly the smartest play.
You might think that the rear-facing seats that pop in the back of the car are a fun time for the kiddos and, assuming you don’t have a child with a proclivity for motion sickness, you’d be right. However, unless you’re hunting for hot moms, “ugly yet kid-friendly” isn’t a winning combination. You might as well throw on a pair of white sneakers, strap a fanny pack to your bulging waistline, and spend the entire date checking the stock market on your out of date Blackberry.
6. Nissan Cube
It’s a cube. They didn’t even try to hide it. It’s right there in the name. This unfortunate eyesore is a freakin’ cube on wheels. A car is supposed to look like… a car. But the Nissan Cube looks more like it was designed by Lego than by a major Japanese car manufacturer.
Honestly, the weird curved window at the back is kind of handy, allowing for better visibility in the dreaded blind spot, and maybe there are some women out there who think the Cube is cute. You know, in the same way that a toy poodle or miniature cupcakes are cute. But is that really your goal here, big guy? Cute like a poodle? Adorbs like an itty bitty cupcake?
5. Toyota Echo
At first glance, the Toyota Echo, also known as the Toyota Yaris and the Toyota Platz, is not a terrible car. It’s not exactly exciting to look at it, but it isn’t offensive to the eyes or stomach-turning in its aesthetic either. It’s not going to turn any heads, but it’s not going to turn up any noses either. So then why-oh-why is it on our list of women-repelling cars?
In the immortal words of Robot B9, “Danger, Will Robinson!” You might be chuckling, but a totally craptastic safety rating is no laughing matter, especially if you plan on escorting beautiful women around in it. Initial safety ratings for the Echo are not all that awful, but it seems like they plummet as soon as the car is driven off the lot, as its Used Car Safety Rating wobbles between a whopping one and two stars out of five. That’s scary bad.
So maybe the Toyota Echo isn’t the most repellent car on the market, but if you’re buying it used (and let’s be honest, who the hell buys a new Toyota Echo?), then you’re basically buying a death trap that should repel all women who value their limbs intact.
4. Any Fiat
This line of lovely little humdingers suffers from the same pint-sized problems that plague both Smart Cars and the Yugo, in that they are comically tiny and look like they were designed by a preschooler in art class. They’re kind of like the Mini Cooper’s dumber, uglier cousin.
And if, for some inconceivable reason, you do desperately want to set yourself up for miserable failure in the dating world by squeezing yourself into a Fiat, why not take it the extra mile and sink your hard-earned cash into a first-generation Multipla, which just might be the the most uncomfortable-looking car ever put into mass production. With it’s stunted front end and bizarrely placed high beams, it almost makes you uneasy just setting your eyes on it. It just feels… wrong. And that’s not the kind of feeling you want to give off when pulling up in front of the house of your latest romantic hopeful.
3. Ford Pinto
You know that scene in Fight Club when Edward Norton talks about his job working for one of the major North American car companies. His work consists primarily of comparing the cost of fixing dangerous problems in cars already being driven by the public against the cost of paying out victims injured or killed by said problems.
It’s a terrifying and abhorrent concept that is actually based in real life. Back in the 1970s, it was discovered that the Ford Pinto had a rather unsettling habit of exploding when hit from behind, and an infamous document revealed that the company would rather payout victims of said explosions than spend millions of dollars on an expensive recall in order to reinforce the vehicle’s rear end. So we hope that when a woman sees you in one of these rolling firebombs, she runs the other way, if not for her own safety, then at least out of principle.
2. Hyundai Accent
More like the Hyundai Accident, am I right? If you thought the Toyota Echo was a less-than-safe vehicle to whip around city streets in, then the Accent will downright frighten you. The Echo might see its safety rating slide as it gets older, but unless you have one of the newest iterations of the Accent, chances are pretty damn good that your sedan will not do you any good if you find yourself crossing fenders with another car at some point.
The Accent is absolutely one of the more dependable cars out there. It will last forever…assuming you don’t decide to play bumper cars with it. But if the lady you’re hoping to woo one evening has ever spent time looking at collision ratings on Japanese made automobiles, she’s bound to know that yours offers roughly the same amount of protection in an accident as cardboard box with plastic wrap windows.
1. Anything With Airbrushed Art On It
You might think that the masterpiece of a glistening Conan the Barbarian astride a saber-toothed tiger, letting loose a valiant war cry, while a voluptuous and scantily clad cave woman gazes lustfully at his thunderous biceps, set on the backdrop of an extravagant lightning storm airbrushed across the side panel of your Volkswagen hippy van is pretty sweet. But we can pretty much guarantee that the beautiful gal you winked at from behind the steering wheel doesn’t share your appreciation for sexually charged vehicular art.
Even if you’re not driving a douchey ride with explicitly misogynistic artwork on it, it’s safe to say that any car with any kind of airbrushing on it is just plain tacky. And you don’t want to be that guy, do you? So before you hire some teenage prick to graffiti the words “babe magnet” on the hood of your Chevrolet Monte Carlo, think to yourself, “Will this garish painting of Aphrodite licking a lollipop repel almost every woman on the planet?” Because the answer, of course, is yes.