Everyone knows that guy who drives around town, not because he has some place to be, but because he has something to show everyone— and that thing is his car. And that guy is a douchebag. Pronouns here shouldn’t count. Believe it to be true that douchebags are not only found in the male population, but they are found all over to be sure.
So too are their cars found all over. There are common threads to certain types of douchebaggery, dependent on social status, class, financial stability, degree of douchebaggery, and so on.
One might find that there are many “poor man’s” versions of cars like the Porsche Boxster, being the poor man’s Porsche 911, but make no mistake: both are certainly pricey, and both still belong to a vast number of douchebags worldwide. This is not to say that all who drive the cars listed below are, in fact, douchebags, but one’s overall likelihood for douchebaggery certainly increases with the purchase of any single, and certainly collective, purchases of the cars found below.
15. BMW 3 Series
According to the Wall Street Journal, who have both American and British studies to back this up, BMW drivers are among the biggest douchebags on the road, and not for the same reason a tricked out, jacked up Civic driver is. No, for the more dangerous reasoning of being more likely to continue driving when a pedestrian has entered a sidewalk that they have the right of way on. Apparently all it takes is forty thousand dollars to purchase a BMW 3 Series, and care just a little less about humanity than one might have before. Also, apparently male BMW drivers between the ages of thirty five and fifty are more likely to engage in road-raging activities like yelling, swearing, revving, putting the pedal down, and not giving a toss about who’s in the way. So that being said, when next you see a BMW gunning for an intersection as you stroll the crosswalk, do pick up the pace, because statistics say the driver will likely not stop to wait for you. Not poor enough to not want his car damaged, and not spending enough on his to not want his car damaged, the BMW douche isn’t above getting his hood dirty.
14. Chevy Camaro
The Chevy Camaro, and especially the Camaro SS, is an overwhelmingly douchebag-driven car, which is unfortunate given that it is one of the last vestiges of the American muscle cars of old. For some reason, perhaps the supposed power of owning a new, plastic version of a classic car, drivers seem to want to race anyone who even so much as looks at them; often racing nothing at all, having engaged in contests with people who are unwitting members. There was a dash cam incident with a Camaro (click play), where the douchebag driver sought to pass everyone (eternally in a hurry, or in need of showing off), but in spite of his efforts to weasel between them (a half-ton pickup truck and a transport truck) end up barring him from getting by on the two lanes of highway. Once the barrier cleared on the left of the highway, the now road-raging douchebag takes to the grassy meridian, where he loses control, hits the front end of the pickup which, in turn, hits the transport. As the Camaro passes in front of both trucks, spinning wildly onto the right side of the highway, both the pickup and transport manage to slow and stop without flipping or spinning.
13. Dodge Charger
The Dodge Charger… certainly guilty of douchebaggery, this car is unfortunate in its diverse types of douche-baggage. Becoming one of the top selections for police-issued cruisers, apart from the Crown Vic, and the Impala, the Charger is a whole other level of douchebaggery. Not only do civilians use it to pretend they can race, as well as to attempt to compensate for the size of their… bank accounts, but now police officers use and abuse the Charger to make it to and from personal affairs on time, without regard to the safety of the people they’re meant to protect, or the officers who may have to, in turn, pull them over for driving upwards of 193kmph (120mph). If people didn’t have enough to worry about with the douchebaggery of both drivers and police officers, they now need worry about the two becoming one.
12. Honda Civic
Granted, and thankfully, most Honda Civics do not look as douchy as the one above, but that hasn’t stopped the wave of douchebag drivers from flooding the streets with thousands of these little extensions of one’s… personality. Hollywood has had great influence over this incredibly douchy wave, with the power that is The Fast and The Furious franchise, predominantly starring Vin Diesel. Ever since that little army of ’95 film civics took to the track and maneuvered under transports, hordes of young men and women have been attempting to jack up their old Civics to relive all of the most ridiculous moments from the film. An incident in Tampa proved, with surprisingly no deaths, considering the damage, that a Honda Civic cannot simply pass under a transport trailer, though there are forums with people from all over who claim to do it all the time with the greatest of ease.
11. Cadillac Escalade
The grandaddy of douchebag vehicles, the Cadillac Escalade is counted among the favourites of many a gang-banging thug, blasting gangsta rap from the supped up stereo, while taking up the road with spinning rims, tinted windows, and sex lights underneath. Disregarding all of that, one might think the Escalade to escape relatively unscathed, but no: this Cadillac luxury SUV is the preferred form of transportation for the cast of Jersey Shore… no redeeming qualities there. President elect Donald Trump also happens to own one (with heating and cooling cup holders, as well as seats). Anyone who thinks they can rise above the stigma of thug life drive-bys, blinged up rims and windows, the deplorable, and idiot “Situation”, and the racist, bigoted, and sexist, soon-to-be president of the United States, by all means purchase an Escalade, but don’t be too surprised when no one respects you for it.
10. Range Rover Evoque
Range Rover has a class of high end douchebag that certainly fits the female stereotype of driving with one’s knees while texting, paying no attention to the cars being cut off, as one shifts unwittingly between lanes and comes dangerously close to hitting pedestrians. Kim Kardashian, unsurprisingly fits this bill, which means you know the car has got to be rather large. Skipping, however lightly as possible over the fuel consumption of this beast, the money pit that this machine becomes once out of warranty is disastrous unto itself. It takes a specially committed douchebag to pay for such a gigantic waste of money. Perhaps a suicidal type of douchebag, given that Land Rover is known for vehicles that roll fairly easily, so to not only get an Evoque, but an Evoque convertible gives new meaning to losing one’s head. With such little care for the environment, the people around and in the car, and for even themselves, this kind of douchebag is dangerous, and thankfully not as numerous as most.
9. Hummer… Any Hummer
If ever one needed to point out a guy who was somehow more than certainly compensating for something, one need only point out the nearest Hummer driver. Really, any Hummer will do. The ridiculous thing about the Hummer is that, like the gigantic Escalade, it is typically a city driving car. For those who have driven in big cities, one might notice that the roads are not particularly wide in a big city. One might also notice just how wide the Hummer is, not to mention the incredible suspension that screams off-roading, as well as easy rolling. So why does anyone insist on driving this gas-guzzling garbage truck down city streets? To prove something. To prove affluence (of some small degree); to prove that size does matter (which is laughable given the reality of the likely size of the driver), and to prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt that, should the driver wish it, he could drive over traffic to get where he wanted. Realistically, the Hummer would flip before it managed to drive over a line of cars, but that doesn’t stop the douchebag intimidation tactics of these drivers.
8. Lamborghini Veneno
Unfortunately, considering how incredibly badass many Lambos look, the chances are, if you see a Lambo driving down the road, you’re likely looking at a douchebag driver… almost certainly. Take, for instance the Lamborghini Veneno. This most expensive of production cars to date at 4.1 million dollars is owned by Indian-American businessman Kris Singh. The Veneno has only 13 models, including both coupes and roadsters, of which only 13 are available to only elite Lambo customers. Kris Singh owns both a coupe and a roadster. That is 8.2 million dollars of car that this, very apparent, douchebag owns. How is he so apparently a douchebag? Besides owning 16.66% of all the Venenos in the world, he also has a signature colour with Lambo called “Verde Singh”, as seen above. He has his own garbage shade of green, and to top it off, he also owns the sole Koenigsegg Agera XS, custom built for him at a likely price of 3 million dollars. This car came in a ridiculous orange. At least he’s a very easily spotted douchebag.
7. Mitsubishi Lancer
Feeling more like a fifteen thousand dollar car than a twenty two to fifty thousand dollar car, the Mitsubishi Lancer comes in all shapes and sizes, and names. The Colt, Valiant, Celeste, Galant Fortis, Ralliart, Lancer Fiore, or simply the Lancer came in CG, CH, VR-X, ES, LS, and Evo series that rolled in such forms as hatchback, four-door sedan, turbo-charged GT, and wagon. With so many interpretations, in so many markets it might be difficult at first to discern whether Mitsubishi was very successful with the Lancer, or trying to be successful in spite of market flops. To look at the evolution of the Lancer, it’s an incredible improvement for Mitsubishi to have ended up with the Lancer Evo, but it might be too little, too late for the company, and unfortunately too late for everyone else. The Lancer developed to a cheap enough point, while packing a little power (at least enough to best a Prius), in order to be a little flashy on the road and rally the hell out of a cheap car. Simon Cowell owns a Lancer, and may be one of the two “Lancerians” that the Urban Dictionary refers to. Translation: douchebag.
6. Lexus IS
Apart from the hideously, snarled, Renee Zellweger-looking face on this upwards of forty thousand dollars car, the Lexus IS is an unfortunate name to have when you want to type “is” right after it… a little too suggestive of a terror organization. Either way, the Lexus IS is a horrible example of a douchebag car for a douchebag driver… or a very good example, depending on the way you look at it. All over the internet one can find videos of Lexus drivers weaving in and out of dense traffic, driving almost bumper to bumper at high speeds, and cutting the shoulder of the road to get ahead. In addition to that, there is an online forum called Club Lexus that is supposedly the “Premiere Lexus owners and enthusiasts club”, and pretty well every thread on the forum with “douchebag” in it refers to some incident with a driver of a Lexus IS. Whether double-parking, cutting off drivers, or driving just in front of a car, slamming the brakes to get the other driver’s attention in order to provoke a race (nearly getting themselves rear-ended in the process), the Lexus IS driver seems to be a douchebag to even other Lexus drivers.
5. 2006 Ford Mustang
First off… red interior, with a tungsten body? No-thank-you. Apart from just the ugly colouration of the above Mustang, and maybe with exception to very few of the Shelbys in the past decade, the Ford Mustang, while trying to reach the former glory that was the classic, cherry red, 67 Mustang, or Shelby GT 500, is failing to live up to its muscle car roots of old. The signature gills on the sides of the Stang give it the illusion of still being a relevant sports car, but this poor man’s midlife crisis is simply the car middle-aged men get when they divorce their wives and wish they made off with enough from the settlement to get a classic Stang to drive their mistress, Candy, around in, but discover they only have enough to get one of these. There should be t-shirts for carrying around so much douchebaggage that read: I survived my midlife crisis, and all I have to show is this car.
4. 1992 Ford Mustang
That’s right, there are two versions of Mustang douchebaggery. These 1990s boxes with Mustang badges on them are just the kinds of cars that get bought by teenagers for three hundred bucks, because no one wants them anymore (the drivers realizing they made a huge mistake when buying a name, instead of a car). Not good for showing off, driving very fast, or going unnoticed by the police by any means, these Stangs are used by teens who think their classmates are smiling at how wonderful they are as opposed to the reality of them all laughing; used by teens to pretend they can drive fast enough to outrun a cop Crown Vic, and hoping a girl might want a lift, and still get in after seeing what her ride would be. In fact, this author just about owned one of these red boxes, with a hard top, and almost no mileage for three hundred bucks… almost. Then one realizes why there was no mileage: no one really wants to drive one. The douchebags you might still see driving one of these relics of a terrible time are some of the most insecure, so try and be nice to them.
3. Porsche Boxster
The poor man’s Porsche, the Boxster is a nice, relatively cheap option for someone who wants to be a Porsche driver without being able to fork out the money for a good one. For the going price of fifty two thousands dollars, The Boxster is more expensive, and not necessarily better than its rivals: the Audi TT Roadster ($46,400), the Mercedes-Benz SLK ($47,000), and the BMW Z4 ($49,700). All three of these cars, perhaps with the exception of the Audi (depending on taste) are superior in price range and aesthetics over the Porsche Boxster. Speaking of aesthetics, the spoiler on this Porsche is aptly named, ruining what could have been a sleek design for a car that wouldn’t have needed safeties for down-force, as it wouldn’t have a chance to go fast enough to gain any lift in the city streets one will inevitably find this car on.
2. Porsche 911 Carrera
Starting at one hundred thousand dollars, here is the rich man’s Porsche… or perhaps more the moderately wealthy man’s Porsche. A noticeable difference in looks from the Boxster, the 911 Carrera foregoes the ludicrous spoiler as, while it could go fast enough to gain some degree of lift, its weight (though it’s lightened the driver’s wallet significantly), and the fact that it too is almost exclusively driven in city streets, keeps it fairly secure from lift off. If one was to drive through downtown Toronto, one would be blind not to see the sea of Porsche before them, and the two they are most likely to see? That’s right: the Boxster, and the 911 Carrera. Unfortunately there are some, unlike the man above, who opt for a tiny spoiler on the back that acts just as it is called. These are the Carrera douchebags one must really watch out for: they are unlike anything on the road, and feel that the price of their car renders them invincible. If they looked at the poor Porsche Boxster drivers, and the rich Porsche 918 Spyder drivers. Then they’d know that they are, in fact, fairly average.
1. Dodge Viper
The Dodge Viper is the sophisticated redneck’s luxury car. That being said, at over eighty five thousand dollars a pop, the Viper is not often seen cruising around small country town roads, but when it is, it’s because the mechanic on the outskirts of town decided to go for a twice-a-year spin through town to say “fuck you, I’m better than everyone” to the townsfolk. There are exceptions to this rule however, though they still result in douchebaggery. In Eddie Murphy‘s version of The Nutty Professor, Murphy drinks a potion that renders him a complete douchebag, who then appears driving a red viper (which is wrong as it should only ever be blue), with a plate that reads “PEN1S CAR”. If that’s not enough to prove the Viper’s douchebag tendencies, Kelsey Grammer once flipped his Dodge Viper near his California home, while under the influence of booze and blow, landing him back in the Betty Ford Clinic days later… at least the Viper has been good to someone.
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