It’s been more than a couple of weeks since WrestleMania, a perfect time for us kick back and reflect on what happened. In other words, I’ve finally gotten around to completing my WrestleMania article. I’m two weeks late, but I promise,
double the information and double the analysis double the swear words.
Is it just me or was this one of the absolute worst WrestleManias in recent memory? No, not excluding WrestleMania 27, INCLUDING. Worst WrestleMania in recent memory, including WrestleMania 27. At least WrestleMania 27 had some bright spots like The Rock finally coming back home. Yes, I know he lied, but at that time it seemed very true. WM27 also had Undertaker vs Triple H in THE BEST MATCH EVER. Oh, and Edge snapped his neck. #ThankYouEdge
WrestleMania 32? Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t a total waste of money. It had some very cool moments (which will be addressed later) and fantastic matches, but I’ve said this time and time again; WWE isn’t just about great matches, it’s about great storytelling and WM32 had none of that. Worst of all, a lot of what took place didn’t actually affect anything moving forward.
Here are 6 reasons why WrestleMania 32 was pointless garbage.
6. Charlotte Winning
This isn’t as much a bad decision as it is a wrong one. Sure, Charlotte is an amazing wrestler, probably the best besides Natalya. Her winning the new Women’s Championship just feels like a misjudgment though. Sasha had the big entrance, Sasha had the crowd in the palm of her hands. People desperately wanted Sasha to win the title and if she would have won, WWE would have prevented the “We want Bayley” chants the next night on RAW.
Sasha is also the better overall heel, one of the best in fact, not just in the women’s division but overall. Sure, the crowd cheers for her now, but she has the capability to flip the crowd reaction a total 180 degrees. Don’t believe me? Watch her NXT matches against Bayley. She made little kids cry. It feels like Sasha should have had a lengthy title reign, defeating people like Becky Lynch and Natalya, before Bayley finally shows up before Summerslam. MAGIC!
5. Intercontinental Ladder Match
Zack Ryder wins the Intercontinental Championship! NOBODY SAW THIS COMING! OMG! WHAT A WRESTLEMANIA MOMENT! Turns out it was just Vince McMahon’s idea of an April fools joke, cause the very next day he took that title away and slapped it on The Miz. Ha ha ha? Well, screw you, Vince. Do you know how to read a calendar? WrestleMania was on April 3rd, not April 1st. What’s that now? You don’t care cause you own the company and us losers who actually pay money to watch your show can kiss your a*s? Well, okay then.
Look, I’m actually one of those guys who still thinks Miz is a brilliant heel. Put Maryse beside him and you’ve basically struck silver (to call it gold would be a bit of a stretch). However, his time as a single’s competitor is over. He should be the leader of The Social Outcasts or heck, reform Awesome Truth.
4. AJ Styles vs Jericho
Was this a good match? Of course, it’s Chris Jericho and AJ Styles. Either one of these guys could pull a great match out of a one legged monkey. However, if pro-wrestling was merely about great matches, it wouldn’t be WWE, but NJPW at the top of the food chain. What was Chris Jericho vs AJ Styles actually about? Why did they dislike each other? Why should we care about who wins, besides the fact that since AJ’s debut at the Royal Rumble, the number of gay men in the world increased by tenfold? #MarryMeAJ
I’m glad this feud is finally over and done with, so that we can lie to ourselves that WWE has better things planned for AJ Styles, only to get p*ssed off when we realise that Vince McMahon has decided to feed Styles to The Rock’s cousin 3 pay per views in a row.
3. Dean Ambrose vs Brock Lesnar
This may not have been the worst match of the night, but it was definitely the most disappointing. The Lunatic Fringe vs The Beast Incarnate! The name sells itself. This match was supposed to be hell on earth. Carnage on top of carnage on top of more carnage on top of destruction of top of dead bodies on top of BLOOOOD! Yes, blood. Because both of them couldn’t be bothered about Vince’s rules and Linda’s sure to fail senate campaign. It was supposed to be the ultimate David vs Goliath tale. Or at the very least, it should have been a half decent normal match with some near falls.
Instead, what we got was Spongebob and Patrick pretending they were Dean Ambrose and Brock Lesnar, playing wrestling in a sandbox. Not a single moment during the match was I rooting for anyone, nor was I on the edge of my seat. There was some mediocre back and forth, then Dean got suplexed 200 times, then he pulled out a chainsaw from under the ring and – let’s cut the crap, this match sucked.
2. Undertaker vs Shane
Yes, this match comes with one of the best WrestleMania MOMENTS in recent memory (more on that later). Who gives a crap? A pro-wrestling match should be more than just a fireworks display; more than just cool sh*t thrown against the wall. Transformers: Age of Extinction is close to 3 hours of Michael Bay masturbating. Whose c*m did we just engulf watching Undertaker vs Shane?
It might sound like I’m unfairly hating on this match. Oh, I don’t hate the match. I hate everything this match stands for – Vince McMahon flashing his junk at the WWE Universe screaming, “I don’t give a f**k!” This match is an insult to audience intelligence. The anticipation of this poorly built match rested on its stipulation. If Undertaker loses, he retires. If Shane loses, The Authority and Vince will continue to dance around our screen. Goodbye, Shane.
The Undertaker won the match at WrestleMania and Vince decides to let Shane have control of Raw? What happened to Vince hating Shane’s guts?! What happened to Vince threatening to disown Shane?! The hatred, the animosity. What happened?! Are we just supposed to buy this garbage and go about our merry way? Yes we are.
1. The Rock’s Appearance
I remember an experience I had back in 2011. It was a warm Tuesday night and this writer was slumped on the sofa, watching Raw, questioning why on earth I bother with this nonsense anymore. Suddenly, IF YOU SMEEEELLLABALABALA, WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING! HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!! My heart started beating at 683,547 miles per second. I would have died due to cardiac arrest that night, had it not been for The Rock’s A++++++ promo on John Cena’s colourful testicles.
Fast forward to 2016 and I just don’t care anymore. He shows up, sets the audience on fire (figuratively), sets his name on fire (literally), says something cool in gibberish and then beats Erick Rowan in 6 seconds. What? Then he and the returning John Cena not only proceeded to knock the living daylights out of The Wyatt Family, they knocked the EVIL out of The Wyatts. That’s right, the name of John Cena’s finisher isn’t so much a poetic hyperbole, it actually has the divine ability to adjust someone’s attitude. Because in the weeks after WrestleMania, The Wyatt Family is now a face faction.
Seriously, what was the point of that segment? Are we supposed to belief that Erick Rowan is capable of doing anything other than mow his grandma’s lawn after losing to The Rock in 6 seconds? Are we supposed to buy into the fact that Bray Wyatt is a legitimate main event player? C’mon, the audience ain’t dumb.
WrestleMania 32 wasn’t all bad though. Here are 4 reasons that made it sorta kinda awesome.
4. Zack Ryder Winning
When Zack Ryder ascended the ladder and grabbed the title, I didn’t jump up and scream because I was 78.34% convinced that it was a botch. “Bro, you messed up man. You’re supposed to scream Woo Woo Woo, fist pump then lie on the ground for the remaining of the match.” But then Ryder’s dad came into the ring, gave him a hug and wait…. This sh*t is actually happening?
What? Wow! Triple H murdered Vince McMahon??? Excellent times ahead. Of course, as mentioned above, turns out the joke’s on us and Vince is most certainly not dead. Oh well, at least for that moment, that very short moment, we had smiles on our faces.
3. Shane’s Elbow Drop
In my previous article, I said Shane would jump from atop the cell into the mouth of a fire breathing dragon. I daresay, close enough. The only thing missing from that elbow drop is Jim Ross’ high pitched voice, screaming “They killed him!” Because as pointless as the match turned out to be, that elbow drop just granted Shane permission to sit at the cool kids table with Jeff Hardy and Mick Foley.
It’s also one of those moments that make me wonder why Shane, Steph and Trips don’t just tie up papa McMahon and throw him off a cliff. Jesus, this must be the 200th time I insulted Vince in a single article. I usually try to keep it at 199, at most.
2. Everything Stephanie McMahon
It’s an undeniable fact that MILFs are better than regular girls and MILFs with a thick booties are better than everything AKA Jennifer Lopez. But Stephanie McMahon is almost as hot as Jennifer Lopez, is actually talented, yet somehow isn’t nearly as famous. Why Stephanie McMahon isn’t on FHM’s top 10 hottest women in the world is beyond my comprehension.
Triple H and Roman Reigns? Pfft please. Stephanie McMahon was the actual main event. She stole the show. HOLY SH*T was she amazing. From her amazing speech-poem thingy introducing Triple H, to her strutting around in that amazonian swimsuit and everything in between, perfect.
Stephanie is also arguably the best heel in WWE right now. While all the other heels get cheered, Stephanie is actually able to generate some classic heel heat, making that spear from Roman Reigns one hell of an unforgettable moment. Now would someone chain her to the ladder and okay I’ll stop.
1. The Women’s Championship
This was perhaps the most shocking move at WrestleMania 32, especially since WWE, for some odd reason actually believes that Total Divas is a show worth marketing. But it is undoubtedly the biggest positive I took home from WWE’s version of the World Cup. Maybe, just maybe, WWE has finally decided to take itself seriously again after all these years.
While I may not be delighted with the outcome of the match – WE WANT SASHA – the fact that WWE finally realised that the term “Diva” isn’t actually a positive connotation is a win already. I mean why would anyone be proud of being a DIVA’S champion? Being a divas champion is just another way of saying, “Hey! Look at me guys! I’m only one sex tape away from naming my kid North West.”