Do you remember the good ol’ days when WWE was awesome? I don’t. Probably because I was only 5 years old in 1998. But I’ve heard the stories. Everyone watched WWE. Everyone talked WWE. Everyone wore WWE T-shirts to school.
Watching WWE was the coolest thing in the world. Cooler than being in a band. Cooler than sniffing cocaine from the hot cheerleader’s luscious buttocks. The legendary days when WWE was the very manifestation of life itself.
Ahh, how times have changed. These days if you watch WWE, people think you’re a lifeless recluse who does nothing but sit on your backside, jerking off to granny p*rn all day. Needless to say, convincing our friends to tune in to Raw every week is a downright impossible task, never mind convincing them that pro-wrestling is a legitimate art form.
Can we blame our friends for thinking that way though? I mean can we, with a straight face, actually tell our friends, “Hey dude! You should watch WWE. It’s awesome.” Let’s not fool ourselves. WWE is merely a shell of what it used to be. Having said that, I think most of us still tune in every week anyway. Some of us are wishing things would be better, some are praying for change, while some of us are hoping to make a buck or two writing “Why WWE Sucks” articles.
So without further ado, here are 5 reasons why WWE suck right now.
5. Gimmicky Pay Per Views
A lot of people want the number of PPVs each year to be reduced and I can see why. However, the number of PPVs don’t really bother me that much, especially since these days we can watch it all for a whopping $9.99 a month! If that isn’t value, I don’t know what is.
What I do have a huge problem with, is random gimmicky PPVs that don’t make sense. The Royal Rumble is excellent. The same can be said for Money in the Bank. But do we really need Extreme Rules, TLC and PG Hell in a Cell? Matches of extreme conditions should only be used as a means to resolve major feuds, when the hatred and animosity is at an all-time high.
But when the WWE calendar consists of one gimmicky pay per view after another, WWE’s not-creative team is shooting themselves in the feet and us members of the WWE Universe have to sit through Sheamus vs Dolph Ziggler in a Suck me D**k Match. Or is it a Kiss me A*se Match? Doesn’t matter. Both match types deserve to be on scaryf***ers.com not on a PPV of the biggest wrestling company in the world.
4. The E is Overlooked
Week in, week out, tons of IWC members and wrestling purists alike scream for longer matches. “More wrestling! Less talking!” And, frankly speaking, there is a ton of RASSLING on Raw, Smackdown and NXT. BORING.
On the Feb 1st edition of Raw, during a Miz TV segment, The Miz says, “This is WWE and the E is just as important as the W.” I agree. In fact, I think the E is way more important than the W. Perhaps this is the non-wrestling purist in me talking but one of my favourite matches of all time is The Rock vs Hulk Hogan at WM18. Watch that match again and you’ll see that it consists mostly of big boots, some other basic moves and a whole bunch of staring. Was it a great rassling match? No. Was it the best sh*t ever that can be watched over and over and over and over and over and over again? Hell yeah!
If you don’t believe me, believe the numbers. The highest rated Raw segment of all time is The Rock: This Is Your Life. It consists of absolutely no wrestling at all.
Back in the day, we had CHARACTERS. Beer-drinking Stone Cold, arrogant douche The Rock, rebellious cool kids DX, Deadman Undertaker and I’m just touching the tip of the iceberg here. These guys could not only work a match but, most importantly, they could build anticipation for a match. What actual characters do we have on the main roster today? Wyatts, The New Day, Dean Ambrose and Brock Lesnar (he isn’t even of this era)?
3. Horrendous Booking Decisions
I’ll keep this one short.
AJ Styles’ debut at this year’s Royal Rumble gave me 270 million orgasms in a single hour. Barely two months later, I hardly care about AJ Styles anymore. When Kevin Owens confronted Cena for the very first time in May of last year, I had one boner on top of another boner on top of another boner. 8 months later, he’s in the exact same position he was in when he first made his debut. Do we even need to mention the Wyatts? What do all these situations have in common? Absolutely horrendous booking decisions.
2. Poor Structure & Over Saturation
As of right now, we have 3 hours of Raw, 2 hours of Smackdown, an hour of NXT plus a variety of other shows nobody gives a sh*t about – Superstars, anyone? This puts us at roughly 7 to 8 hours of weekly WWE (wrestling-based) programming. Even if this was 1998, consisting of beer baths, eyebrow raising and The Heart Break Kid’s bare butt, 8 hours is pushing it. What more in the era where rainbow cereal man is on top of the food chain? Over-saturation much?
It’s not as if Vince McMahon and his not-creative posse has a bunch of great ideas to fill those 8 hours anyway. Do we get phenomenal mid and undercard feuds? Do we get enthralling women’s matches? Nope. Instead what we get is Randy Orton vs Sheamus in a NobodyGivesASh*t Match 10,000 times a month and The Bella Twins in a JackOfforPeeToiletBreak Match.
1. John F***ing Cena
Alas, how can we have a “Why WWE Sucks” article without bashing on the rainbow cereal man himself. But first, allow me to make a few things clear. I’m not one of those guys who thinks John Cena should retire. Or die. Or both. Wait, don’t hate me yet guys. I swear I ain’t the president of the Cenation Belieber Corporation. Just hear me out first.
I’m also not one of those guys who thinks he can’t wrestle. In fact, when John Cena is focused, he is undoubtedly one of the best in-ring psychologists in pro-wrestling today. He’s a hardworking SOB that deserves all the recognition that he’s getting. BUT (see guys, I told you), 11 years as the face of the company is pushing it waaaaaaaaaaaay too far. Even people like The Rock and Stone Cold were only on top of the mountain for about three years.
Things have gotten really stale. People want change. Yes, arguably WWE is trying to create a new face of the company. They tried it with CM Punk, tried it with Daniel Bryan and now, they’re trying it with Roman Reigns. However, it wouldn’t actually work as long as the elephant is still in the room. None of it matters because John Cena is still THE FACE of the company, regardless of whether he has the WWE World Heavyweight Championship strapped around his ass or not.
In relation to the ingenious discoveries of mine above, I shall now provide 5 ingenious ideas on how WWE can be the magnificent beast it once was.
5. Bring Back Classic Pay Per Views
Simple enough. Get rid of the gimmicky PPVs that nobody gives a damn about and bring back classics like Backlash and One Night Stand. That way WWE wouldn’t actually tie themselves in a corner. Without gimmicky PPVs, WWE wouldn’t actually need to forcefully shove gimmick matches down our throats.
It simply doesn’t make any sense at all from a storyline perspective when two superstars compete in a “hardcore” match in their first PPV match against each other when their hatred isn’t at an all-time high. Besides, it’s not as if gimmick matches can only be placed in a gimmicky PPV. C’mon WWE, get your act together.
4. Emphasize the E
Save the matches for the PPVs, focus on the entertainment aspect of WWE. Build interesting characters, not just for the main event but for the mid and undercard too. We need characters we can like and characters who can make Mother Theresa lose her cool.
WWE should spend hour after hour, day after day, week after week building proper storylines that us fans can invest our emotions in. WWE should allow superstars to get creative and cut a wild promo, not script every single word for them and maybe, just maybe, they’ll stop sounding like the love child of Baymax and the T-800.
3. Analyze & Plan Ahead
Vinny Mac and his minions need to understand the value of any given situation and the superstars that are involved. Who kidnapped Vince McMahon the creative mastermind and left us with this loser doppelganger? Most decisions these days are made without thinking past today’s ratings or today’s problems, which is a serious issue. Long-term planning goes a long way.
Look at John Cena’s debut against Kurt Angle and see how far he has come today. Kevin Owens should have won the US title from John Cena. If he did, he would be on a completely different level right now. In the end, it was Del Rio who dethroned Cena? *FACEPALM*
And imagine this. What if the day after the Royal Rumble, WWE had the Fatal Five Way match for the Intercontinental Championship. Kevin Owens wins that match and brags about it. As he’s bragging, AJ Styles comes out and stares him down. BOOM! Magic.
Restructure the whole damn thing. Here are few suggestions:
ONE – Bring back the Brand Split. Raw superstars should only appear on Raw, Smackdown Superstars should only appear on Smackdown. And include NXT in this Brand Split concept as well.
TWO – Raw will feature the WWE World Heavyweight Title, Diva’s Title and Tag Team Titles. Smackdown will feature the IC title and the US title.
THREE – Make Smackdown the official “B” show and NXT the official “C” show.
FOUR – The best from NXT will be drafted to Smackdown, the best from Smackdown will be drafted to Raw. The worst from Raw will be drafted to Smackdown and the worst from Smackdown will be drafted to NXT.
1. Turn Cena Heel
Turn John Cena heel God dammit! Turning John Cena heel would be the most talked about storyline of the decade, maybe more. It would flip the entire landscape of the WWE completely on its head. I think we can all agree that the WWE landscape is in dire need of some serious flipping. Also, it would do wonders to the careers of the first person to engage in a feud with heel John Cena and beat him. It’s quite literally the best thing you can do to boost your WWE career, besides banging the boss’ daughter of course.
PS: I’m not saying these ideas are great. Heck, I’m not even saying they’re good. What I am saying is, if I can come up with this nonsense with booze in one hand and d**k in the other, I’m pretty damn sure Vinny Mac and his not-creative team can come up with something better.