I love the WWE. I mean, why else would I be writing a 2000-word piece on men in tights when I should be getting started on my college assignment, which is due tomorrow? But hey, I’m a man of priorities and, hence, I will probably churn out this article and another two articles, re-watch this week’s episode of Raw and Google “Hot pictures of WWE Melina” before even thinking about doing my assignment.
Yes, I think by claiming that I Google hot pictures of Melina, I have proven myself to be a huge WWE fan. Unfortunately, WWE doesn’t always give you a reason to support it. Every now and then, WWE has the tendency to churn out garbage. Sometimes, you sit at home wondering why on earth you bother investing your time and emotions in this product. Sometimes, you’d much rather watch a crappy episode of Barney and Friends.
These are 10 moments in WWE that are absolute garbage (8 of these moments are silly, 2 of them are horribly tragic).
10. Fake Diesel and Fake Razor Ramon
WCW was the new dog in the park, threatening to p*ss all over WWE and f*ck all of its b**ches! WWE felt threatened and hence upped their game big time. Thus began the back and forth of both companies trying to up one another, fighting for ratings supremacy. Ahh, The Monday Night Wars. Good times, good times. During The Monday Night Wars, people used to jump ship back and forth. Top stars ditched WWE for a lighter schedule and a bigger pay cheque. Up and coming youngsters ditched WCW to hone their craft. Two of the top stars that left WWE were none other than Big Daddy Cool Diesel and Razor Ramon.
When they left, there was a huge void that WWE had to fill. Vince McMahon and his giant ego though, felt as if the men behind the gimmicks weren’t popular, but rather just the gimmicks themselves. And so, he got two new people to take over the mantle of Razor Ramon and Diesel! YES, such an abomination actually took place. Imagine WWE giving The Rock’s name and gimmick to someone else. One day, you tune in to WWE, you hear The Rock’s Theme Song burst through the speakers, and Mark Henry walks out. No, I’m not talking about Mark Henry pretending to be The Rock to generate heel heat – That’s acceptable. I’m talking about WWE casually telling the audience that from here on out, Mark Henry is The Rock.
This is very much like the Game of Thrones R+L=J theory, except it stands for Black + Old = Hand.
Did you know that Mark Henry once had sex with a thousand-year-old woman and that thousand-year-old woman gave birth to a hand? You see, I would stop right here, because do we really need an explanation on how ridiculous the statement above is? Alas, according to my editor, I have to write 100 words per page, minimum, or the very foundation of the earth’s core will shift.
So, what should I write for the remaining 44 words? First, I will type that sentence again, all in uppercase. I’ll also throw in a swear word to reinforce the message. DID YOU KNOW THAT MARK HENRY ONCE HAD SEX WITH A THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD WOMAN AND THAT THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD WOMAN GAVE BIRTH TO A MOTHERF**KING HAND?
Next, here’s a cool poem I found on the internet.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
This joke’s overused
Your sister is too
8. McMahons vs God
For the amount of ego Vince has stored up his a*s, he has twice as much genius. Inheriting the company from his dad, Vincent Kennedy McMahon took a small independent company called WWWF and turned it into the biggest wrestling company in the world, WWE. Heck, calling WWE just a wrestling company is an understatement. WWE is one of the most recognisable brands in the world.
However, regardless of his ample genius and his numerous ridiculous stunts he pulled throughout his days as boss – Making Trish Stratus bark like a dog and “Kiss My A*s Club” – it is one that took place during 2006’s Backlash that is completely irredeemable. Vince McMahon booked himself and his son in a tag team match against Shawn Michaels and God. Nope, this isn’t some silly jobber named “God.” This was from a storyline perspective, literally GOD. A God damn invisible person that is. This match is absolutely garbage, accomplishing absolutely nothing except highlight just how much of an egomaniac Vince really is. I don’t think he gives a crap though. He can live the rest of his days telling people he defeated God in a WWE match.
7. 18-Seconds of Horror
Daniel Bryan is perhaps the biggest Indie darling since forever. Say what you want about Sheamus – I think he’s bland as hell too – but he’s a workhorse that can put on an amazing match. The Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan 2-out-of-3-falls match at Extreme Rules 2011 is easily one of my favourite matches of all time. Believe me, I watched the match a day later, knowing exactly how the match is gonna play out, having read the spoilers, and it still blew my mind! With a blend of mat-wrestling and beat-the-living-daylights-out-of-each-other-wrestling, Sheamus and Bryan did not miss a single beat.
It’s crazy, considering, just one month prior to that, Daniel Bryan and Sheamus faced off in a match that lasted 18 F**KING SECONDS at the grandest stage of all. Why? Who actually penned that down, smiled to themselves and thought, “I’m a genius!” No, you’re not a genius, you’re a complete moron.
6. Michael Cole in the Ring
We often complain about trained footballers or non-wrestling backgrounded athletes being pushed too fast ahead of indie darlings. “You can’t wrestle” everyone screams! So, imagine how the WWE Universe felt when Michael Cole stepped into the ring with wrestling gear – if you can even call it that.
If Michael Cole wrestled on an episode of Superstars, it would have been a big sin already, but hey, sh*t happens, right? But nope. Michael Cole VS Jerry the King Lawler took place at WRESTLEMANIA! Where is the logic? It undoubtedly is the worst WrestleMania match in history of that Pay Per View, and one of the worst matches of all time. Period. To make matters worse, this match lasted 15 minutes, when that very year, Daniel Bryan and Sheamus’ match lasted 18 SECONDS!
You know the whole Monday Night Wars I was talking about? Guess what. WWE won! *mindblown* Vince McMahon purchased WCW and the rest as they say, is history. Vince had on his hands what should have been one of the greatest story lines in the history of pro-wrestling. What the fans wanted to see was The Rock Vs Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold vs Goldberg, Undertaker vs Sting and HBK & HHH Vs Diesel & Razor Ramon. If only Vince had been patient and waited for the WCW big stars’ “stay at home, masturbate and get paid” contracts to run out first.
Instead, this whole angle was rushed and what we got was various WWE superstars steamrolling a bunch of WCW stars in matches that mean as much as an empty Coca-Cola can.
4. Anonymous Raw General Manager
Ahhh, where do I even begin with this? Another segment that involves Michael Cole? I’m hardly surprised. The whole Raw/SmackDown General Manager angle has always been hit and miss for me. Sure, on one side of the coin, you have The Authority (say what you want about them, but their feud with Daniel Bryan was phenomenal), but on the other side, you have people like Teddy Long and John Laurinaitis.
One the 21st of June 2010 till the 18th of July 2011, Raw was controlled by The Anonymous General Manager, AKA emails on a laptop read by Michael Cole. To be fair, this angle (minus Michael Cole) started off pretty intriguing. Who is the Anonymous Raw GM? Is it going to be a returning star? But week after week, the angle slowly started to get tiresome and annoying. Then came the day of the “big reveal.” Would WWE bring back someone like Stone Cold Steve Austin? Hey, it wouldn’t have justified the months of torture but at least it might have been worth the wait.
Nope. The Anonymous Raw GM was revealed to be HORNSWOGGLE!
3. Katie Vick
For those of you who don’t know Katie Vick, well good for you. The rest of us will have to live with that sick memory for the rest of our lives. It’s one of those angles that make us question why we’re still WWE fans. Why do we religiously stick up for this product? Maybe our friends are right. Maybe WWE is just a silly show. Yeah, the Katie Vick angle is that bad.
So here’s the story. Kane and Triple H were engaged in a rivalry. One day, Kane goes on a date with his girlfriend Katie. Kane had a little too much to drink and when he got behind the wheel, he lost control of his car. Kane was merely injured, but poor Katie died. The next week on Raw, Triple H f**ks Katie’s dead body.
Necrophilia? C’mon WWE! Who do you think you are? Twilight?
2. Owen Hart’s Death
On the 23rd of May, 1999, Owen Hart fell to his death at the Over the Edge Pay Per View, in one of those instances where WWE attempted to try something spectacular but totally unnecessary. At that time, Hart was playing the role of a comedic superhero named the Blue Blazer, and was to be lowered into the ring via harness and grapple line. Unfortunately, there was a malfunction and Hart ended up falling 78 feet, landing chest first on the top rope and bouncing into the ring.
It’s still regarded, till this day, as one of WWE’s most shocking incidents to ever happen at a live event. Perhaps even more shocking is the fact that WWE didn’t stop the show. Somebody died in the ring and Vince decided that the show must go on. I guess it proves that, ego or no ego, Vince truly loves the company beyond anything else in this world.
1. The Mysterious Happenings of Chris Benoit
The only thing worse than death is death by murder and suicide. Chris Benoit is undoubtedly one of the greatest professional wrestlers of all time, respected and celebrated by both his peers and his fans.
Only one day, out of the blue, he decides to kill his wife, strangle his 7-year-old son, before taking his own life. Yes, this takes the phrase “That escalated quickly” to a whole new level. It didn’t make any sense. Why would Chris Benoit do that?
There have been numerous theories as to why Benoit would commit such a monstrous act, the most prominent being brain damage due to the amount of chair shots to the head Benoit received throughout his career in professional wrestling. So, if you’re watching WWE these days and wondering why on earth they don’t smash each other’s head with a chair anymore, it’s cause of this incident. The human body can only take so much.