Just when you thought it was safe to enjoy the Sochi Winter Olympiad without fear of damaging your retinas from the sheer volume of bizarre and eccentric uniforms that past Olympics have brazenly foisted on an unsuspecting world, you better stock up on sunglasses, because despite President Vladi Putin’s demand to obliterate anything he may even remotely consider flamboyant, these Games have showcased some of the strangest uniform designs in recent memory.
It’s hard to overlook an opportunity to enjoy the thrill of competition or the agony of ugly fashions, and we can say with certainty that Sochi 2014 is a standout year for strange fashions.
Therefore, get ready for our selections for the Top 10 Weirdest Olympic Team Uniforms for the 2014 Winter Olympic Games;
10. Sochi Olympic Volunteer Uniforms
Although obviously not part of any Olympic team, these garish uniforms nonetheless warrant a place on our list for simply being the very definition of ‘eye vomit.’ This is the likely result of what happens when you mate a Crayola crayon set with a myopic cartographer.
Though you have to give the Norwegians some props for their attempt at giving their curlers the ultimate unique look, their failure lies in the obvious fact that these arresting (as in the designer should be arrested) and blinding test pattern designs are more than likely to give spectators the ultimate in unique migraines.
Never a nation likely to be accused of understatement, the Germans have combined comfort, winter weather gear and an assault on the senses that is unrivaled. Employing apparently every color in both the visible, electromagnetic and infrared spectrums, these over the top designs will be hard to miss, much like a cannon ball to the groin.
Clearly under the impression that these Games will be one giant fiesta, we would normally have to applaud Mexico’s efforts to tie their unique heritage with an innovative approach to fashion. However, one can only feel for their lone participant, Prince Hubertus von Hohenlohe, who at age 55 is the second-oldest athlete in Olympic history who is also about to endure a lifetime of jokes about his Mariachi-inspired ski attire. Hubertus is not only an actual prince descended from German royalty, but is also a pop singer in Mexico known as ‘Prince Disaster,’ as if that’s going to cut down on his impending humiliations.
Just admit it; you didn’t even know they were competing, did you? Team Mongolia is clearly making their first attempts to embrace the 21st century with these updated versions of a 1930’s movie theater attendant.
With only five athletes in total, the Azerbaijani’s apparently couldn’t persuade even one of them to model these stark designs that were clearly modelled on some of Ward Cleaver’s wardrobe if he could see only three colors. Instead they sported these marginally better white track suits.
The land down-under has produced a mismatched style that can only be described as a misguided attempt at class. The white, baby blue and yellow uniforms they sported at the opening ceremony weren’t much better, looking deceivingly like the colour scheme of Sweden’s flag. Too bad the Aussies didn’t look as sharp as the Swedes did on opening night.
3. Czech Republic Fuzzy Hats
We know, we know; we liked their team uniforms, but we’ve got to draw the line on their decision to include live animals as headgear. We’re a little surprised they didn’t include the bait and traps they had to employ to get this look together.
Vladimir Putin has made it clear to the Russian people that he will settle for nothing less than ‘perfection’ from these Games, but his directive has obviously fallen on deaf ears for the designer of these unholy creations that run the gamut from well heeled fur traders circa 1904 to imitation prep school uniform circa 1956.
1. The United States of America
And now we come to the prizewinner folks. Normally the US is on top of their game when it comes to Olympic uniforms, but for some unknown reason it has decided to simply become the undisputed laughing stock of the Sochi Olympiad. These Ralph Lauren designs not only seem to indicate the man is well into early onset dementia, but the choice of adorning American athletes in 19th century Estonian folk festival attire can be described as curious at best. We can only hope that winning a good deal of medals will help take the sting out of these athletes’ obvious embarrassment at not only being forced to wear these hideous abominations, but also at their ire of being constantly pointed at by modestly dressed Russians and hearing the phrase ‘Я не понимаю‘
That’s ‘I don’t understand’ for you and me.
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