Something wholly terrible happens to most poor people when they go from being poor most of their lives to be grossly rich: they buy stupid things. No one has any idea why this is. It is like there is some secret society of rich people who are trying to outdo one another with stupid purchases. We all know MC Hammer loved encasing things in gold for no reason (which is one of the 172 elements that led to him losing $150 million dollars) and we all know Nicolas Cage was out buying dinosaur skulls and pet sharks, which is why he has been in 200 movies and now has seven dollars to his name.
But what is the draw in that for people? To be openly mocked later in articles by a third party? If such is the case, we are inherently grateful for rich people who spend money so stupidly, as it gives us something to talk about. It needs to be known, there is an inherent sadness in this decadence as well. First off, that sadness comes from the fact that most of the people reading this will not make, in the entirety of their lives, what the following people blew at one time. The second sad aspect, though, is that many of these athletes will be broke at the end of their lives and are blissfully unaware of that at times of said purchases. It could be said with better financial advisers in their lives, this list would not even exist.
That having been said, here are ten immensely stupid purchases made by athletes for no discernible reason other than bad taste or gaudiness, purchases they will (or inevitably already do) take great shame in.
Except number 8. Number 8 is kind of boss.
10. Eddy Curry – $1,000 a Month Cable Bill
This one starts the list off more like an honorable mention, because it just makes so little sense. While the thousand a month is just chump change to most basketball players, one has to ask: how the hell does one accumulate a monthly cable bill of one thousand dollars?
This all came into play when Curry was ordered by a judge to pay back $1.2 million he owed to a loan company. When contesting it to the judge, he himself brought up the thousand dollar a month cable bill. Guess the dude didn’t know about the free adult entertainment online, huh? Those pay per views will really add up if you don’t pay attention.
9. Chad Johnson – Semi-Truck worth $100,000.00
Why would you need a semi truck? It looks like a Hummer that took steroids, and makes this Canadian Football League player look like he may just being overcompensating for… being in a Canadian Football League. Just kidding. But seriously, what was Chad Johnson thinking? The only thing this purchase says about this baller is he is leaving a bigger carbon footprint than he has any right to.
8. Danny Granger – Bat-Cave
Honestly, this one would place higher on the list if it wasn’t so AWESOME. Granted, in fifteen years time, he may see the error of his ways, but right now, there is hardly a bad thing you can say about this.
Dan Granger, currently signed with the Detroit Pistons, has been converting the basement of his home into a batcave, complete with secret drive-in entrance and spinning floor which ensures you never have to back up. Anyone who makes fun of this has never had an imagination. This dude actually gets a pass… but it might be a little too costly down the line.
7. Shaquille O’Neal – Superman Obsession Estimated in the Millions
In this case, we go from Batman to Superman (which is fitting as the two will be kicking each other’s asses on-screen next year). It is very well known that Shaquille O’ Neal likes to put the Superman “S” on everything he owns. While this move may sound simple, it isn’t. It means having every single thing (from cars to gates of his home to doors to fancy Persian rugs) customized. Just his Superman bed is rumored to be in the ballpark of $20,000. For a bed. With an S on it. Let that one soak in for a second.
Now think about how much the Superman SUV must have cost (hint: $50K or so). All for an obsession about a guy who wears tights.
6. Sam Hurd – Drug Collection of $700,000.00
So you are playing professional football, but maybe it’s not quite going the way you want it to. Maybe everyone around you is taking off and you are still feeling inadequate. So what do you do? Apparently, you buy almost a million dollars worth of drugs from an undercover cop, that’s what you do!
You would think a Chicago Bears player would at least know where to get drugs. That wasn’t the case with Sam Hurd, who HEARD he could trust a guy he clearly couldn’t. That joke was almost as bad as his financial choices. Almost.
5. John Daly – $1.65 Million in Gambling
Golfer John Daly has some issues. Drinking, eating, smoking, but the one that has done the most damage to him has easily been his addiction to gambling. Though the man will openly admit to losing millions across his lifetime, he can also claim to have almost lost $2 million dollars in ONE NIGHT playing slots.
Yes, that is not a typo – not blackjack or poker, but playing bloody slots. Do you realize most of us would have to spend 36 days straight at most casinos to lose that much in slots? That was ONE DAY for Daly.
4. Floyd Mayweather – Everything He Buys
Floyd Mayweather wants you to know he has money – he wants you to know he has a lot of money and has no inclination in saving or hoarding any of that money. So what does Floyd Mayweather do? Take one look at his Instagram and see for yourself. The man essentially wipes his butt with hundred dollars bills because he can.
From million dollar bets he doesn’t care about losing to a $16 million dollar necklace he bought for his fiance to a hundreds of thousands he spends on strippers, the man doesn’t give a crap (and if he did, he would wipe it on his money).
3. Mike Tyson – $2 Million Bath Tub from Beyond
While this would have been a perfect chance to talk about Mike Tyson‘s Bengal tigers, that was kind of badass. You should never own exotic pets and blah blah blah. But come on, Mike Tyson was a beast in his prime, and the fact that he played with wild beasts is not that shocking to anyone. Even massive tigers know not to f*** with Mike Tyson.
But he did buy a two million dollar tub for his ex-wife. Why? Well, MC Hammer had a gold tub, too. When you get handed a copy of “How To Lose Your Millions and Go On To Hate Yourself” book, the first chapter is “buy a gold tub.” The only reason this didn’t place number one was because Tyson could totally show up and eat us alive.
2. Scottie Pippen – $ 3.4 Million Private Jet
Yes, we know owning a private jet is kind of cool. But allow us to ask: once you are done flying around playing basketball and being famous and stuff, do you understand how much the upkeep in a five star private jet is? Take a moment to think about basic upkeep of a REALLY nice car (insurance, fixing, cleaning, etc) and multiply that by about a thousand, and you have a basic idea.
Now take the fact that he is a much older man and not the most famous basketball player in the world anymore and you might realize why a jet costing almost $4 million (as cool as it would be to brag about) is a stupid, stupid purchase.
1. Marquis Daniels – Self Portrait Bling Pendant
Some things are just not okay. For anyone. Ever. One of those things is buying a pendant full of bling that is fashioned after your own head. Yes, Marquis Daniels has a necklace, from which dangles a smaller, diamond encrusted version of his head. That is stupidception.
Having an (ugly as hell) diamond trap chain of your own face makes buying two white lions and a gold tub look like the smartest financial decisions ever. That is like the fine print curse a genie would put on a wish.
“I WANT TO BE COVERED IN DIAMONDS!” Then the genie just throws you this stupid pendant that kind of looks like a deformed version of your regular face and then just bounces. And that is why you can’t trust genies. That is what this article was about, right?