Like most of you out there, I’m a big sports fan. I tend to live and die with my teams. There are many moments from my various teams’ histories that I remember very well, having seen them with my own eyes – the Kings’ first Stanley Cup. The Angels’ first World Series title. The Raiders’ – well – maybe this year, right? The point is that I remember these moments well, and I remember my favorite players in those moments fondly – and I can honestly tell you that I’ve never, not for a millisecond, ever felt compelled to commemorate those players or moments by putting a big tattoo on my body. Sports Superfans are unlike we normal fans. They tend to take things to a whole different level in their – ahem – unbridled enthusiasm for their teams. Superfans tend to take their fandom to an extreme that most of us would never even contemplate – such as with body art. Yes, there are a lot of sports superfans who commemorate their favorite teams, players, sometimes even coaches and owners, with massive displays of body art. While I can sort of understand marking your team with a tattoo, and I can kind of understand marking your favorite player with one, who in the heck gets a tattoo of a coach or team owner? Superfans, that’s who.
Now before anybody flips out and accuses me of being anti-body art, I assure you that’s not the case. I’ve seen some utterly amazing works created by tattoo artists. Some of these people are artistic geniuses. But when it comes to the Superfans, more often than not, it looks like they got their ink done by a blindfolded toddler hopped up on Pixie Sticks. They say that friends don’t let friends drink and drive – perhaps they should also say that friends don’t let friends be crazy Superfans who get horrid displays of permanent body art inked on their bodies. But then – we wouldn’t have lists like this to mock them. So carry on, Superfans! Let’s take a look at some of the most tragic and horrible Superfan tattoos…
17. Showing the Manning Brothers a Little Love — Unfortunately
First of all, let’s just say the actual artwork here leaves a lot to be desired. The only reason we knew this was Eli Manning giving his big brother Peyton a noogie was A) the jersey numbers and B) we read the caption. But this all pales in comparison to the bigger question – why in the world would you ever get a tattoo of Eli Manning giving Peyton a noogie in the first place??? And is it us, or does anybody else look at that and see Beavis and Butthead?
16. Cardinals Fan Reppin’ his Team
Yeah, I saw a stripper with tats exactly like that once. Maybe this is her brother? The problem with these tattoos is, A) they look stupid, and B) unless you walk around with your arms up like that all the time, nobody’s going to see them anyway. But hey, go Cowboys.
14. Wishful Thinking
This one is just more sad than anything, really. And a serious case of jumping the gun. We’re sure this guy was looking forward to brighter things for his team, but the 2005 season was anything but that for Detroit, who finished 5-11, and well out of the playoff race.
13. Ummmm… Nice Helmet?
We’re not really sure of the story behind this tattoo. Maybe it’s a Dallas Cowboys or Philadelphia Eagles fan making a statement about their division rivals, the New York Giants? Maybe? Regardless of how much you might hate a team, the question remains – why would you EVER have a giant penis permanently inked on your body?
12. Take the Tattoo Gun Away from the Toddler
In what very well might be the worst Superfan tattoo in the history of Superfan tattoos, we bring you this one courtesy of a hardcore Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Memo to Superfans – if you’re going to have your team’s logo inked on your body, you might want to make sure that the tattoo artist A) can spell, B) can draw straight lines, and C) is actually a tattoo artist and not some random dude working out of the trunk of his car offering to give you a great deal.
11. When Geeks and Sports Collide
Yeah. This is a tattoo of his favorite team, the New England Patriots as Lego men. What else can really be said about that?
10. Tebow Time Has Been Canceled
We’re not sure which is worse – the fact that a guy inked himself with a tribute to Tim Tebow, who couldn’t manage to remain in the NFL, or the fact that his vision of Tebow was that of a centaur. We know that disgraced Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez fancies himself a mighty half-man/half-horse — as evidenced by the paintings he commissioned of himself as such — but Tebow? He couldn’t stick with a team, let alone build himself into a mythical force of nature like a centaur. Did somebody say delusions of grandeur?
9. The Walking Dead?
The New England Patriots’ “classic” logo wasn’t half bad, really. It certainly had a little more charm and character than their current one. But this Superfan took that old logo and turned it into something you might find on The Walking Dead. This zombified Patriot — which actually sort of looks like Bill Belichick — is so hideous, we can only hope that it was his kid’s drawing that he had inked on his body, and not that of an actual tattoo artist or this guy got a real bad deal – one that he’s stuck with for life.
8. Looks Really Aren’t that Deceiving
We’re not exactly sure where to even start with this mess of ink. Maybe he lost a bet? Maybe he passed out and his friends decided to prank him? Whatever the case may be, this dude has seemingly taken his love of the Silver & Black to an unhealthy extreme. Our favorite part of this hot mess is the motto inked across where his eyebrows should have been – “Looks are Deceiving.” No, in this case they’re really not – you really are that big of an idiot. Surely this guy can’t have a job outside of strip club bouncer or mob enforcer, right?
7. The Pseudo-Helmet
Once again, note the mug shot-esque quality of the picture. It doesn’t seem all that surprising that somebody who thinks it’s a good idea to ink up their entire head into a replica helmet would find themselves doing a little time. Bad decisions have a way of breeding even more bad decisions that way.
6. Throw it Where?
Johnny Unitas is a legend in the league – arguably, one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever play the game. Having somebody pay tribute to a legend like that is completely understandable. But surely Johnny U deserves a more fitting, classier tribute than this? He could most definitely throw the heck out of the ball, but throwing it “in her butt” seems a little beneath him, don’t you think?
5. Down and Dirty
Ummmm… What is there to really even say about this – ahem – masterpiece? This tattoo most certainly makes the Tebow-Centaur or the Manning Brothers Noogie seems like a much more reasonable alternative. Actually, this thing makes the Raider fan’s face tattoos seem like a reasonable alternative.
4. Wishful Thinking Part II
So far as we know, the Houston Texans haven’t actually won a Super Bowl just yet. And we’re even more certain that it was actually the New York Giants who won Super Bowl XLVI – against the New England Patriots, not the Houston Texans. Perhaps this guy got this ink to commemorate his Texans team from Madden 2012 on winning the big game? His kid’s Pop Warner team perhaps? We’re not sure, but like that Detroit Lions fan, it’s incredibly sad that he’s marking an event that never actually happened – and given the state of Houston’s franchise, isn’t likely to happen any time soon.
3. What Image Problems?
Yeah… because nothing says NASCAR is an all-inclusive, everybody’s welcome sport quite like a tattoo that combines the NASCAR logo with a big ol’ Confederate flag. We don’t know why anybody would think NASCAR has an image problem or why people think it’s a sport filled with nothing but the good ol’ boys.
2. If the Glove Don’t Fit…
Someone got OJ’s mugshot tattooed on their body? This gives bizarre a whole new meaning.
1. Never Forget
Lots of people get ink to commemorate a fallen friend, loved one or some other tragic event in their lives. For this dude, it was the Detroit Lions finishing off the NFL’s only perfect season – perfectly winless. That’s right, the Lions went 0-16 — the only team in league history to ever accomplish the feat — and this guy apparently never wants to forget it.