World Wrestling Entertainment is absolutely full of douchebaggery, to the nth degree. After all, so-called “professional wrestling” is no more than a soap opera in spandex, with the occasional bit of blood, serious injury, drug abuse, and death…
Regardless, there are some incredibly notable purveyors of douchiness in the WWE. So many notables, in fact, that this list had to also comprise some tag teams, as to just single out one of the partners would not be doing this article justice. Everyone knows that John Cena makes the list, but there are such like The New Day, in its entirety, or the men from each significant corner of the United Kingdom (because who counts Wales?) Jack Gallagher, Sheamus, and Noam Dar.
The wrestlers listed here are either guilty of some great degree of shtick that renders them nothing but a douchebag, or they have turned from what once their character used to be, or they simply stereotype a people and make them nothing more than a joke. For whatever reason, here are fifteen of the biggest douchebags in the WWE. There could arguably be better candidates (the fashion police for example), but there are important reasons for the choices below, all the same.
15. The New Day
Alright. For starters, Kofi Kingston was always kind of lame (though his acrobatics can be pretty damn impressive). So not off to a good start with this trio of terrible wrestling, one must move on to Big E. Langston. When Langston arrived at the realm of World Wrestling Entertainment, he was a silent, and mighty bruiser, who worked as bodyguard for Dolph Ziggler (certainly at least a runner up douche), and his then “girlfriend” A.J. Lee. Langston was a brute, and was badass, to be sure. But something happened on the way to the locker room, and one day, dressed up in some flashy matching outfits, he came out with a couple of clowns to form The New Day. Grinding his way around the ring, and dancing like a moron, Langston may be closer to his offstage, real life personality, but what do the fans want to see? As for the third member…the trombone wielding, can’t-keep-off-the-mic Xavier Woods is… well really, who is he? Everyone knows what he is… happy to at least be on the WWE stage, even if it’s in a tag team trio that the company clearly uses for nothing but buffoonery.
14. John Cena
Everyone’s favourite baby face to hate, John Cena has done nothing but good for World Wrestling Entertainment, and for the American troops, and the Make A Wish Foundation. He is a genuinely good guy… and that’s why everyone loves to hate him. He emits these feelings of goodness, and greatness respectively, so much so that one just wants to see him laid low. Except for the kids. The kids will always love him. Because most kids weren’t old enough to remember the one time that Cena was a heel… and maybe even more of a douchebag than he is now. He used to freestyle rap, and even put out his own rap album… not to mention the Vanilla Ice Halloween costume he sported one year. But now he’s all good, and everyone wants a heel turn, but they know they’ll never get it, because the kids would cry. And all it took Cena was one pay per view, back from injury, for him to win back his title for the sixteenth damned time. One wonders what the WWE execs are doing in their office… apparently not paying attention to their writers.
13. Kevin Owens
Besides Kevin Owens thinking he’s the world’s greatest dad, he also thinks he’s the world’s greatest champion (but not of all time, because that title belongs to his best friend). The shtick between Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho can indeed be hilarious, but that does not stop it from being completely full of douchebaggery on an epic scale. This portly ball of beard and arrogance sets off douchebag alarms everywhere he goes. His edge of utter petulance is pretty mind-numbing. The same old lines, and the same old jokes come from his mouth every single night he’s in the ring. Yes, he has moments of hilarity, but screaming that “[HE’S] THE GUY” whenever someone questions him… is a bit tiring. He is by no means the very first wrestler to make like everyone else should do everything for him (like help him win matches that he never could on his own), but he may very well be the very worst for it.
12. Chris Jericho
You know what happens when a wrestler wears a pretty scarf, and walks around like a complete twit? You know what happens to people who hold events like the Festival of Friendship? Chris Jericho… You just made the list! It cannot be a shock to any reader that Chris Jericho might find his way onto someone else’s list, especially regarding douchebaggery. His ‘List of Jericho’ shtick really does resonate for a lot of people, and many have found it funny, but one thinks it might be getting a bit old now (though at least it is fairly original in comparison to almost every other WWE shtick around lately). Either way, kudos must be given to Chris Jericho for continually reinventing himself to serve the needs of the WWE, and to keep himself relevant in the ring. One just wonders if perhaps it is nearing that time to reinvent once again. There’s just only so long a wrestlers can go on being a “stupid idiot” before needing to sweep at least a bit of the douchebaggery under the ring for another wrestler to use.
11. Enzo and Cass
For starters… just look at the above photo. If readers have not just had “douchebags!” screamed in their faces… then this author does not know what a douchebag is. The entrance of these two is full of such immortal lines as “I’m a certified G, and a bona fide stud, and you can’t teach that”, and “There’s only one word to describe you, and I’m going to spell it out for you: S-A-W-F-T… SAWFT!” One might notice that soft is spelled with an ‘o’, so not only are they douchebags who think they’ve got a bit more swagger than they do, but they are also horrible with the English language. If Trump catches wind of that, he might try to have Enzo Amore deported (or send him to work on the wall). As for Big Cass… if he dropped the Bronx attitude, and the tiny yuppy of a tag partner, he might be able to do very well for himself as a serious wrestler…he is seven feet tall after all. For Enzo though, it seems there is nowhere for him to go other than to that ranch where they put the retired wrestlers. “Bada boom: biggest douchebag in the room.”
10. Brodus Clay
Before even getting started on his Brodus Clay persona, perhaps one should point out the biggest douchebag thing that wrestler George Murdoch has ever done…he is a regular Fox News contributor…that beats absolutely anything he could have possibly done in the ring (and that’s saying a lot given the outfit he’s wearing in the above photo). The next most douchebag thing Brodus Clay could have done is call himself the Funkasaurus. In addition, he had a group of ladies called the Funkadactyls (who were mentioned in the douchebag Diva article recently), and had a tag team called Tons of Funk. Now, aside from the fact that Brodus Clay was anything but funky (at least in the good sense of the word), his chosen partner for Tons of Funk was certainly worlds away from being funky. Formerly Prince Albert, come somehow fat-white-guy-turned-Asian-“technical”-wrestler Tensai, became Clay’s partner. These two funk-lacking hacks made mockery of a ring that had already seen its fill of the Ultimate Warrior, Hulk Hogan, and the Macho Man Randy Savage…that any team can make more mockery than those growling, mouth-frothing, drug-abusing, neon-spandex-wearing guys… wow.
9. The Brian Kendrick
First of all, before even getting into the fact that he demands to be called ‘The Brian Kendrick’, this guy used to wrestle under the ring name ‘Leonardo Spanky’, and then just ‘Spanky’ for a while (because why would anyone call someone Leonardo, when their last name is Spanky?). Then of course there is the aforementioned desire to be called ‘The Brian Kendrick’, as if worried about being confused with that other Brian Kendrick who always comes to the house shows, and boos ‘The Brian Kendrick’ out of the ring. It doesn’t help that Kendrick has also built his persona around being this uber intellectual, who is always forming a strategy, and always thinking about how to defeat his opponents. Apparently this stops him from thinking much about his character’s wardrobe which is almost a direct match to that of Rich Swann. Now to be fair, Kendrick has been in the wrestling business longer than Swann, but they both debuted in 205 Live at the same event, so that must have really been an embarrassing night for both of them, walking in, both wearing eighties, hair metal jackets.
This guy almost had a creepy Goldust vibe to him for a while, which really doesn’t play well with his Disco Inferno-meets-Antonio Banderas shtick. The way in which he says his own name is too reminiscent of Goldust, and overwhelmingly douchey for the character of Fandango. And if that is not enough, then one must simply look at the entrance above. The only thin he really did, even remotely well, was dance with one of the Diva douchebags (not depicted above), and have a slew of backup dancers to make him look better than he actually is. The attempt to be a badass character with flared, leather pants, and an open, shiny leather vest… Let’s just say it got cha-cha-chucked out with any notion of this character being anything but a douchebag. The smarmy look on his face certainly didn’t help anything, and the feeling that he had every woman wrapped round his finger gave him almost a touch of Val Venis, which is certainly not a wrestler anyone wants to be compared to (nor is Goldust either). I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is… to get this guy out of the ring.
7. Seth ‘Freakin’ Rollins
One need not much more evidence of douchebaggery in a man, when he calls himself Seth ‘Freakin’ Rollins… seriously. Once a member of the devastating, and diabolical Shield (with Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose — who could also be considered for a spot on the list), Seth gave it all up to grovel at the feet of HHH. Not altogether surprising, as WWE is built on the same re-hashed story lines they’ve had since the eighties. Heel turns aren’t in and of themselves douchey, but the manner of his character after said turn? Absolutely. Aside from the little bit of bleach in his hair to make him stand out from the rest of he douchebags, Rollins even wears his own “swag” with “Seth ‘Freakin’ Rollins” scrawled across the front. It’s not enough to call himself that, but he also needs to say it with his chest? The pathetic attempts of greatness with this comparatively tiny guy, with nothing but a whiny story about being the best, and deserving whatever he wants…again, these stories have been done and redone, and while there are some greater douchebags out there, this author cannot think of one who so ridiculously promotes his own name. One feels like sighing… Seth ‘Freakin’ Rollins.
6. Gallows And Anderson
These two chrome-domes think that the world is populated with nerds. Sounding more like a couple of douchey high school bullies than any sort of serious tag team in professional wrestling, these guys have got quite a few points against them in terms of douchebaggery. First of all, when was the last time anyone saw a high school bully wearing something like in the above photo? If they insist on playing the role of bully, they should at least not look like a couple of guys who are like to get bullied. They even have the most awkward “fist bump” in the history of World Wrestling Entertainment… and that’s saying quite a lot. Now if all of this just isn’t enough to prove their worthiness of appearing this list, then do take note of the matching beards these guys sport. One would not call them nerds (not by any means), but in the framework of the high school world they seem to inhabit, one might call them “goth wannabes”. And what happens to those characters who typically hide out on some stairwell? They get bullied… bunch of nerds.
5. Damien Sandow
Alright, so he is still wrestling, but not under the name of Damien Sandow, and not with World Wrestling Entertainment (thankfully). In spite of that, Sandow is more than worth the mention on this list. Now at one time he was the ‘Intellectual Saviour’ of the WWE (nay, the world). That is one hell of a douchebag title. It gets worse though. Before Cody Rhodes was forced into the ridiculous Stardust persona by the WWE writers, Sandow and Rhodes teamed up to become team Rhodes Scholars. Now there is a certain point at which intellectual arrogance just seems to cross the line into douchebag territory, and Sandow leaped miles and miles into that territory, without any concern for his character. But oh how the mighty do fall. It turns out that Sandow just wasn’t as smart as everyone thought, and he ended up being nothing more than the Miz’s stunt double, teaming up with the Hollywood hero of the WWE. Yup, that’s a thing that happened… until the WWE released Sandow last year.
4. Gentleman Jack Gallagher
“The Extraordinary Gentleman” Jack Gallagher is certainly one of the biggest ponces and, ultimately, douchebags of World Wrestling Entertainment history. Deciding a great character choice would be to feed Americans a stereotypical British gentleman circa the Edwardian era, Gallagher appears in waist coat, and tie… sometimes with tweed, and sometimes with cord, dependent on the occasion. But he always carries his umbrella. At least after his gentlemanly duel with Ariya Daivari. Meaning to have a duel at paces, with each opponent choosing the other’s weapon, Jack ended up with an umbrella, which he used to subdue Daivari. Even for a bit of ridiculous fun during this past Royal Rumble, Jack Gallagher went over the top rope, with open umbrella in hand, as if to reenact a scene gone wrong from Mary Poppins. Always about with his great posture, gentlemanly moustache, and manners, Gallagher really does get a lot of love, and a lot of hate. People can’t stand how unwittingly arrogant he seems, but love watching him be a ponce. Perhaps the gentleman’s douchebag, but a douchebag nonetheless.
3. Noam Dar
A first, this little Scottish scamp did seem to be quite a competitor, and his quick, and silent manner seemed to make him a deadly opponent in the ring. His poise on the ropes, before and after victory, gave him a quality that wasn’t quite present in the WWE till he arrived. However, in spite of not going out of his way to ruin the reputation of the Scottish (unlike Gallagher with the Brits, and Sheamus with the Irish), Dar still managed to make the rank of douchebag. After some altercations with one Cedric Alexander, the WWE writers thought it might be a great idea to have Dar overly interested in Alexander’s girlfriend Alicia Fox… or as Noam Dar says it: “Alicia Foooooooox”. Making his only claim a very paltry one for a girl who really never seems quite interested in him. Yes, she did give him one hell of a kiss one night backstage, but he was flabbergasted, and she walked away, stating that he couldn’t handle her. But the cat and mouse game of these characters has made a once fantastic wrestler into one of those small guys on the playground who think they are the hottest thing going… in other terms, one might describe a character as a… douchebag.
That’s not entirely Photoshop in the above photo; Sheamus is unbelievably pale. Pale to the point that one might be concerned about anemia (though realistically it is some sort of powder, or oil, or airbrushing… or is it?). But that aside, as it has nothing to do with just why he’s a douchebag. The way in which he uses the Irish people (as if they’d not endured enough hardship already) is why he is a douchebag. Hamming up the Irish shtick with the Celtic music, the incredibly ginger hair, and the cross about his neck, one wonders, if all that was stripped away, if he’d still be at all interesting. Even so far as to be depicted in bar scenes with World Wrestling Entertainment: having a pint of Guinness (of course), and then subsequently getting into a bar fight, complete with pool queues, bottle-smashing, table-breaking, and whatever other stereotypical nonsense. Making mockery of his own people (much like Jack Gallagher with the British), Sheamus makes the list by daring to compare himself to an actual ‘Celtic Warrior’.
1. The Miz
This self-proclaimed A-lister, started his television and film career with a reality TV appearance on The Real World… so that’s point number one against him in the douchebag category. Somehow, The Miz managed to talk his way from reality TV, to the WWE. An astounding feat, and he has been doing an “Awesome” job since he really broke into the soap opera in spandex. And there’s every reason why he should. He is the epitome of soap opera stardom. Even down to the strange, hood/shawl that he wears, along with his Hollywood starlet glasses. He is just the right amount of Diva and douchebag for the WWE, and has since broken into a number of film flops, thanks to his wrestling career. His whole shtick is to be the “Hollywood Hall of Famer”, in the company, and he does that job well. The Miz makes the list not because he in inadvertently a douchebag…he makes the list because he chooses to play up as the biggest douchebag he can be, and he does an amazing job of it. Perhaps he truly is “Awesome”… but he’s still a douchebag… and let’s not forget about Miz TV.