Some of these decidedly sexy divas might shock you to be on this list, but make no mistake, the warnings are warranted, and there is nothing but good will towards the many frenzied fans of the least cared for, most fast-forwarded part of the WWE: the Divas. In spite of the fact that the McMahons have, for a long time, had female wrestlers doing such skillful matches as the classy “Evening Gown” match, or the not so classy “Bra and Panties” match, now garnering a small number of women who actually appreciate the skill of some of the new Divas, and keeping the men from feeling too uncomfortable while bathing in testosterone, and occasionally worrying about what it means that they love nothing more than to sit and watch grown men in spandex and oil rolling all over each other, the Divas still struggle to make a name for themselves in any capacity other than sexual.
And here is just that perfect example, on the surface. Here are fifteen Divas you wouldn’t want to bring home with you, but here’s the thing: some of these Divas are indeed very striking or, if not, were at one time or another. But when thinking about taking home a Diva (whether in WWE terms or not), one must think long and hard (no pun intended) about the pros and cons.
15. AJ Lee
Well… from the photo above one might already be dissuaded from this clearly insane human being. That being said, her insanity was the key to the success of her character, however short a time she happened to find herself in the ring. Appearing as no more than Dolph’s pretty, little thing, then rising to become the longest reigning WWE Diva champion (at that time), AJ Lee certainly has guts, and a whole lot of gusto to go with them. Even the people who didn’t like her character, and said they didn’t like her look almost certainly, in one way or another, fantasized about this Diva, perhaps until she spoke her mind about how little the Divas get out of the WWE; they’re paid a significantly lower rate, and given much less ring time than their male counterparts, the WWE Divas have always been treated more like expensive toys than actual performers (performers in terms of wrestling, and not sexuality). Only days after she spoke her mind, taking cue from Stephanie McMahon praising strong women outside of the industry, Lee left the ring. But how close is her character to her person? Dare anyone try and find out?
It is recommended that readers venture to look up what this pale, soft, Morticia-Addams-like Lithuanian beauty used to look like before hitting the WWE. Originally a blonde, ripped, jacked tight, hard, darkly spray-tanned bodybuilder, Aksana went through what one can only assume was a grueling metamorphosis… in that surely she must have stuck to a diet of naught but gruel, with less working out, and absolutely no sunlight. Before one starts to wonder how many people might be interested in taking home such a seemingly reverse human being, intent on becoming some sort of creature of the night, perhaps readers may be dissuaded from this Euro-babe by way of reminding them with whom she began a relationship at the outset of her wrestling career… Anyone who thinks the smartest move to start out their career would be to date Goldust… there can be no hope afforded to them.
I don’t want to speak too ill of the dead, especially given that Joan Marie Laurer was certainly plagued by issues near the end of her life (and even well before, to be sure). That being said, for starters, one might not be inclined to take someone home when that person is already resting in their eternal bed (unless some of you are aspiring Ted Bundys, in which case… no), so Chyna is immediately a Diva who would be taken off the list, but to backtrack through her life, the reasons are myriad. First of all, one would have good reason to be concerned about certain sexual actions with Chyna resulting in death, given that she could take on someone like the Marvelous Mark Henry (however stupid that storyline was), and in addition to that, who sincerely wants to take a woman home to mom and have to admit, to their mother’s face, that the last screen appearance she had was that of her being known (in the biblical sense) by nine guys, dressed up as classic WWF wrestlers, in every way possible? Respect for her choices, but not a catch to take home.
12. Nia Jax
Nia Jax! This Samoan beast would break every bone in at least this author’s body, dependent of course on the positions decided upon. Given the non-bone-breaking positions available, one might soon become bore, especially since every time someone comes at this woman, they end up hitting the equivalent of a brick wall, physically and emotionally, and it typically takes three people to take her down. What right-thinking person would want to run, headlong, ready and raging, into a wall? Or, on the flip side, unless very sharing, and very comfortable with one’s lack of sexual and physical prowess, who wants to invite two friends over just for the chance of taking Jax downtown for some fun? Realistically, given that the WWE is, of course, not more than a debatably manly soap opera with some sexy skin to look at every few matches, the idea that three could take down Nia is likely just as fake as the take down in the ring.
Oh my goodness! Who remembers watching Luna back in the good ol’ days of the WWF? Perhaps one of the few actually skilled female wrestlers of her time, Luna might feel that leaps and bounds have been made from her “Evening Gown Match” with Sable to now, but then again, she may very well be rolling in her grave over the lack of progress, and given that she is in her grave, yet again, this would be the first nail in the coffin warding against taking her home. The second nail might come from the photo above… perhaps… by chance. The scary, 1980s shocker-hair-metal look might just be a bit out of date, and was frightening even when it wasn’t. Drug abuse could go either way, but it might be looked at as a bad thing. The fourth nail, again able to go either way, would be Luna’s embracing of religion. Perhaps faith appeals to the readers here, but suffice it to say that an already frightening, drug-abusing, bible-thumping corpse is not the kind of woman one might typically plan to take home.
So many people love Lita, and to be sure, Lita was once an incredibly attractive, dynamic, and scintillating performer. Breaking onto the scene with the Hardys, moving on to Edge, becoming the Women’s champ, and getting inducted to the WWE Hall of Fame, Lita had a lot going for her. It was, however, difficult to take her Hall of Fame inductee speech seriously, given that her face was devoid of an incredible amount of expression that, having watched wrestling for a time, one might have noticed existed once upon a time. Assuming, and depressingly rightly, that her looks might be more important to her career than her comfort, or her already beautifully crafted face, Lita went out of her way, on her own dime, to get work done on her face. Ultimately, in the opinion of many, the work did not benefit the once scorching hot Lita. On the contrary, such a move has most certainly given people to think less of her as a performer, even if the pressure of the job is what caused her to undergo such work… and to the point of the article: who wants to be with someone who can’t express how much or how little she is enjoying herself?
9. Kelly Kelly
Surely everyone must think it is insane to have Kelly Kelly on this list, but rest assured that, in spite of how incredibly attractive she is, one may not necessarily be inclined to take her home. Her real name, Barbara Jean Blank, prompted her to adopt the professional name of Barbie Blank. Now if this is not indicative of her vapid personality, and advertisement as nothing more than a play thing, then there can be no further indication from anywhere else. To her shtick in professional wrestling, Kelly Kelly was an exhibitionist who had her own segment called Kelly’s exposé where she would (far too slowly for any man in the audience) begin to strip and, getting close to baring all, would be stopped and covered up by her stage boyfriend. This happened each and every time her exposé was scheduled. Upon taking her home, who would want to go to bed with someone who would never get further than an eternal striptease or, should one get to the action, upon calling out her name, she might wonder why, after repeated exclamations, that one uses both her first and last name.
8. Vickie Guerrero
The photo above does certainly give reason enough for someone not to want to take Vickie home. The gaudy accessories to match the sparkling of her shirt, the close-cut, and emo-parted hair, her own personal branding as a cougar, and the look on her face as she snarls about injustice should suffice to dissuade people from taking Vickie home, but it can hardly be left to one photo to close that deal. Besides using her late, great husband’s memory to bolster her career, as the WWE is inclined to do with many of their deceased superstars, Vickie has gone out of her way, not only to be an incredibly unloved presence in the WWE, but also to have her way with an incredible roster of stars: Edge, Big Show (lord knows how that was made possible), Eric Escobar, and Dolph Ziggler (because even he couldn’t handle AJ Lee after a time). To be fair, these are, at least for the most part, storyline romances, and not part of Vickie’s reality. Kayfabe, they call it in the WWE. But all the same, the use of Eddie’s memory as a story arc in the business…
7. Jillian Hall
One might be able to tell, just from the above photo, just how plastic Jillian Hall’s face is, but it can be assured that, unless one’s seen the before photos, there is nothing to be said of the incredible extent to which Hall has seemingly gone to be able to make the WWE. Altering her lips, breasts, and perhaps her cheeks, it seems also quite likely that Hall got some weight sucked out of her as well. That being said, if she did in fact lose the weight honestly and through hard work, then more power to her, but she remains on the list regardless for the sheer fact that implants get in the way, no one wants to kiss fake lips, and it was bad enough to have Kelly Kelly’s ‘Barbie Blank’ persona without actually having a plastic doll to take home as well. Attach to that Jillian Hall’s shtick as a tone-deaf singer (with which she actually put out a Christmas album), and her string of boyfriends, husbands, and charges of battery, it is fairly safe to say that Jillian is not one to take home.
6. Nicole Bass
Well, if the photo is not enough to dissuade from taking her home, this gargantuan woman, at over six feet tall, and two hundred and forty pounds, began her career in the World Wrestling Federation as Sable’s bodyguard (after having competed in 15 bodybuilding competitions and taking no acting classes). Quickly allying herself with Val Venus… which may already make some readers want to wretch, Bass faced off against Deborah McMichael in a bikini contest. Of course a woman of Bass’ stature had no hope in winning such a competition against the likes of McMichael and her puppies, but deciding they needed to humiliate a successful bodybuilder by disgusting fans all over the world, the WWE pushed that envelope all the same. After a brief stint in the world of professional wrestling, Bass left, accusing Steve Lombardi of sexual assault backstage at a WWE event, though one does wonder just how someone could assault someone of Nicole’s size, and live to tell the tale. Her time was brief, but significant, and if none of this has yet dissuaded, let it be known that only a few years ago, Bass was hospitalized for steroid-induced pancreatitis. Scared yet?
This darling of the WWE, and perhaps the very first, true Diva of professional wresting, Sunny seemed the perfect package, but as she strutted her way through WWF, ECW, and WCW, one after the other, it became clear that her drug abuse made her a liability, and not so perfect after all. Suffering quite a bit in life from rumoured affairs, to cervical cancer, to an exploding appendix; not to mention violating a restraining order from her mom, serving jail time, breaking parole, serving rehab time, driving under the influence, and passing out backstage of events, as well as sometimes not showing up at all, things were clearly not always sunny for this Diva. Once her husband, and childhood friend Chris Candido died, Sunny found her way into the torrid world of pornography, having originally turned down Playboy, and then ending up posing for nude still on a comparatively unimportant website, and following that up with a contract with Vivid Video to star in Sunny Side Up: In Through The Backdoor. She lost a lot of what she once was, and what she once was was largely a facade, covering up a drug habit, and a not so pretty life underneath that incredibly pretty exterior. Best not to chance taking her home.
4. Trish Stratus
Trish Stratus would certainly be one to take home for several reason. Yes, she got implants for her time in the WWE (because all that company is apparently good for is making women feel less like people, and more like playthings the McMahon’s can bend, spread, and alter in any way they see fit), but after leaving professional wrestling, Trish went out of her way to get her implants removed, and carried on with her life in a healthy, and more meaningful way. If the Trish Stratus above seems a bit different than the WWE superstar one is used to, it’s not only the vast mountain range that has been removed from her chest, but also her going back to brunette, which was certainly a fantastic choice. A more toned, healthier, and more natural Trish, why would one not want to take her home, and climax all the way to the “Stratus”-phere? Well first off, that’s not the only reason to take someone home, so get your head out of the gutter and realize that the main reason is her yoga studio. That’s right: now the head of a yoga studio, she’s become one of the yuppies that take a pseudo-religion, and turn it into a fitness, and pick-up program for the physically gifted. Too bad.
3. Stephanie McMahon
Besides the fact that Stephanie McMahon, at least in the melodrama of the WWE if not at home as well, is an incredibly massive bitch, there are still several reasons, in addition, that might make someone think twice before taking her home. Stephanie, so far as any average viewer would know, started off in professional wrestling as a sweet girl with innocent eyes, some baby fat still kicking around, and a general bewilderment with regards to life. After her abduction by The Ministry, which turned out to be plotted by her father all along, Stephanie changed. She dropped weight, went up quite a few bra sizes, and became the snarling, power-hungry, unsympathetic sociopath she is today. Though she is said to have since lost the implants (in spite of the stacked deck she still carries around), and dropped her baby fat honestly, it is clear that the raging, and body modification are all part of one singular reason that one shouldn’t bring her home: insecurity. Everyone has it, but not everyone copes well with it. Originally getting implants because of a comment yelled by an audience member about her “tits sagging”, then subsequently getting fit and removing the implants, but remaining the bitch-goddess she became after the initial surgery…there is too much insecurity there to offer any hope of a pleasant turnout.
Once looked at as the greatest Diva in professional wrestling, she may very well live up to that name… perhaps not the greatest Diva, but certainly one of the biggest Divas, in that she is certainly the most like a Diva. Not enjoying relationships with many of the women outside of the ring, it is no small wonder that this self-obsessed valet, turned “wrestler”, turned husband-of-a-megalomaniacal-superstar, didn’t get along with people around her. Often pitted against Luna, it’s clear why she always came out the favourite: the discerning eye of joe-wrestling-fan can only categorize women in the ring as smoking hot, or an excuse to fast forward. If the unfriendliness of Sable isn’t enough to dissuade (which would include the fact that she’s not likely to speak to anyone with a smaller bank account than her), then let the name of her husband do the rest of the work: Brock Lesnar. And this isn’t meant as a threat of Lesnar’s rage coming down on the would-be lover of Sable, but who wants to take home anyone who has been sweated over by that hulking, roided beast?
1. Nikki Bella
For starters, Total Divas must have done enough to stop anyone from wanting to take home any single member of that atrocious cast but, barring that, Nikki Bella could be an exception. Why wouldn’t someone want to take her home? She’s hot, she’s skilled, she’s got a mouth on her like a trucker (so she’s certainly skilled), and one could laugh in the face of John Cena for stealing his sweetie. That being said, the resting-bitch-face, and the two clear reasons as to why her and her sister are no longer identical might play a factor in steering clear here. Fake, plastic women seem to be a staple in the WWE, and the type of insecurity that comes with the pressure of following such whims by the McMahons to become “more beautiful” is a discredit to truly beautiful women the world over, including in the ring. That being said, Brie was always the prettier one, and the first to leave the ring so, realistically, unless Brie was to tag along for the ride, there’s no sense in bringing Nikki home.