So here it is, another article shoved out into the world wide web about WWE superstar, John Cena. Surely there are some of you who think he already gets way too much press as it is, but this article is no ‘Man of the Year’ piece. Oh no. This article is to shed some light on some moments when this physically imposing, cross-dressing, decorated, death-faking, steroid-using, non-marine, thug-rapping, wish-making, villainous superhero was less than legendary.
It sounds crazy, right? It’s a thing. Yes, this Adonis, clad in denim shorts and ball cap, with washboard abs, hated by Democrats and Republicans alike, constantly tweaking at his nipples, and holding out his hand like he wished he had Freddy Krueger’s glove on; this man who so often, for some reason, thinks he’s invisible (no, that’s not a typo). He doesn’t think he’s invincible… he thinks he’s invisible. This WWE legend has indeed had some moments that were far less than legendary. Time to get into the belly of this overworked beast, and relive the 15 memorable moments John Cena swallowed his pride.
15. Dressing Like Nikki Bella For Halloween
It’s cute that he’s dressing like his girlfriend, and this stunt will really help polarize those soap-opera-in-spandex fans, as if they weren’t already intensely in love/hate with John Cena to begin with, but there’s something more here than just cutesy couple fun. Besides wondering why WWE’s Mr. Goody Two-Shoes is dating one of the most batshit insane Divas of WWE history (perhaps beat out only by Luna), this skimpy little outfit goes to prove more about Nikki Bella’s self obsession than Cena’s wholesome, loveable image.
Let’s drop the façade here: he’s not playing the sweet, wholesome boyfriend… he’s playing the whipped, cross-dressing boy toy. Especially when Nikki turns around and throws those denim shorts on, with a black tee, and ball cap. Sealing it with a salute, surely Nikki couldn’t wait to get into some special operations with that physically imposing version of herself. Of course, Cena might be somewhere up there as the pinnacle of the male image… but that doesn’t really come across when he’s trying to rock the tightest of spandex booty shorts, and an incredibly cropped top. Leave that sort of male fashion to the hair metal bands back in the eighties, and get back to pretending you’re a marine. Put yourself together, soldier!
14. Cena Was Never A Marine… Other Than In The Movies… Sort of
Speaking of being a soldier, it’s unfathomable, the number of people who actually think that John Cena used to be a marine… you know, in real life, not in the fantasy realm that is the WWE. In spite of his heavy support of the troops with his persona in professional wrestling, admirable though it may be, John Cena has not, not ever, been a United States Marine. Unless, of course, one counts the 2006 film, The Marine (and even then, only briefly as he’s rather quickly discharged) spearheaded by a branch of WWE, and released by 20th Century Fox. Picture, if you will, because assuredly most of you wonderful readers have not watched this film, ninety minutes of John Cena getting tossed around via explosions (because people aren’t strong enough to toss him, or they can’t see him, or something), before and after which he breaks a bunch of necks because, as T.V. has taught everyone, this is the only way a marine is trained to kill. This is what happens when actors like Al Pacino and Ray Liotta, and better wrestlers like Steve Austin and Randy Orton turn down a movie. So many didn’t see the movie that the sequel featured Ted DiBiase Jr. (who people actually don’t see anymore), and the following three Marine movies starred The Miz, because at least he’s funny.
13. ‘You Can’t See Me’ Is Dumb
Unlike his movies that people just simply don’t see, John Cena seems to think that, for some reason, people actually can’t see him. Indeed, wrestlers get hit in the head a lot, and roids make the jewels shrivel up, and the head on their shoulders swell, but surely the edema could not be so intense as to make a grown man think that waving his hand in front of his own face, renders people blind to his stupid actions.
Alright, fine. We know he doesn’t really think he’s invisible. But couldn’t he think of a better taunt? Inside joke with his brothers or not, there had to be a better option available for him. That being said, one might wish for such a power if one had made a cameo appearance on the less than legendary show from before Miley Cyrus was hot, Hanna Montana.
12. Cameo On Hannah Montana
Noble of this lying, cross-dressing, lunatic to promote reading. Seriously. Learning to read is one of those things kids should definitely do, and should definitely start doing by the age of two or three. Not to be dismissive of those who are late bloomers, but if John Cena has to beat the shit out of a high school student to teach him how to read, it’s far more likely the kid is going to end up with a career as a meat-head wrestler, than as a scholar from Oxford. If one actually watches the ridiculous clip where John Cena emerges from a magazine (which the kid is already reading) into the kid’s house, proceeding to throw him around like a rag doll, one might notice that, as just mentioned…the kid is already reading! The fact that the kid doesn’t want to read a book for school says nothing about his ability to read. So what is actually being promoted here? Pay attention in school or you’ll get beat up? Usually it’s the paying attention in school that seems to get kids beat up (but do pay attention in school kids!). So ultimately, Cena breaks into a kid’s house, on a Disney kid’s show no less, to assault him like every other bully at school. Great life lessons.
11. Messing Around With Mystery Inc.
Though this one is more embarrassing for the Scooby Gang, speaking of criminals and life lessons, the man who swears he doesn’t do drugs, hangs out with known addicts Shaggy and Scooby in the psychedelic: Wrestlemania Mystery. Joined by washed up wrestlers Sin Cara, Bigshow, and Alberto Del Rio, Cena goes about lifting vehicles out of ditches, stopping Indiana-Jones-styled boulders and chucking them off of cliffs, and making people fall in love with him every step of the way. Apart from giving Shaggy and Scoob ideas of physical grandeur that are simply unattainable for someone of Shaggy’s stature, not to mention for a dog loaded up on Scooby Snacks, Cena also starts in on breaking up Fred and Daphne’s mostly unspoken relationhip. Though the episode itself is fairly amusing, and Daphne’s thought bubble of her wrapped around Cena’s leg at convenient height is fairly legendary, hanging out with druggies and breaking up relationships is certainly less than legendary. And in a kid’s cartoon! This supposed role model really has a bad rap for making poor decisions.
10. Dressing As Vanilla Ice, Pretending He’s A Rapper
Speaking of bad rap, John Cena once dressed up as Vanilla Ice for a WWE Halloween party. Now that’s not to disparage Vanilla Ice’s ability as a rapper (though plagiarizing rap artists somehow manage to sound even worse than regular rap artists), but more the rap ability of the buff legend wearing the rap legend’s outfit. Some people seem to forget this fact, but Cena’s shtick used to be rapping. He even put out an album. If only along with not being able to see him, WWE fans could go one with their days not being able to hear him. Cena recorded nineteen rap songs, with such immortal lyrics as: “We real champs; y’all just featherweight”, and “Stompin bitch rappers like I’m straight outta A-Town” (the latter of which I would take as a compliment, but…). For such a legend, Cena’s lyrics seem far less than legendary…and also less than the ability of a fifth grader, so perhaps he should have watched his cameo on Hannah Montana if for no other reason than to become inspired, through the display of his own physical prowess, to pick up a book and read. Surely it’s simpler than “basic Thuganomics” with the chain gang, a reference that must be, in some way, racist.
9. Playing The Thug; The Villain Everyone Forgets
In addition to the racist raps that everyone has repressed from their memories, the general mass of WWE fans seem to have forgotten that along with the awful, almost-rhymes came also Cena’s villainy. Yes, this biggest, buffest of baby faces in world wrestling entertainment history was, for a decent stretch, a villain. True, a wrestler could be a legendary villain, like Kane for example (until he got fat, took off his mask, and started talking), or like The Ultimate Warrior who, even after he left the WWF, continued to be absolutely and certifiably insane, but Cena hasn’t got the evil in him to be a legendary villain. If the above photograph doesn’t make one laugh, it must at least give the impression that he’s incapable of taking himself seriously, and therefore of being a true villain. That aside, the fact that this paragon of virtue, loved by women and children the world over is nothing more than a failed heel, is enough alone to prove John Cena is less than legendary. But there’s more!
8. Stabbed At A Seedy Boston Nightclub
It should come as no surprise that this babyface with such a tainted past thug-life was targeted outside of a Boston Nightclub, and stabbed in the Kidney…No, not really. But, when John Cena needed to be out of the country, filming the aforementioned movie that no one has seen, there was an easy story line fix in the form of Carlito Caribbean Cool’s henchman, Jesús giving the shiv to Cena, causing an obvious feud in the ring, leading to Jesús hitting Cena in the kidney with his own thug chain, sidelining him from the WWE roster, and freeing him up to shoot the Hollywood horror: The Marine. WWE superstars are well known for faking injuries to adhere to certain story arcs, and to allow them to undertake ridiculous side projects, but they are also equally known for sustaining real, and sometimes serious injuries, like Cena’s undisclosed shoulder injury that kept him out of Wrestlemania this year, or his mangled face, and shattered nose thanks to the knee of one Seth Rollins. Wouldn’t a legend know to move out of the way of a flying knee?
7. Being Evasive About Steroid Use…
As mentioned above, steroid use does tend to make one’s head grow significantly, while the gear around the other head may shrivel, but regardless of the size of either Cena’s head or accessories, he has been rather cryptic about the possible use of steroids, which surely makes people more suspicious than a blatant “no” might. Instead what the fans and admirers get is an enigmatic “I can’t tell you that I haven’t [taken steroids], but you’ll never be able to prove that I have.” Granted, that is just a quote mining from a much longer CNN interview, during the unedited version of which Cena does flat out say “absolutely not”, but to continue on a ramble about how horrible the question “Have you taken steroids” is, and top it off with a confusing response like the one above does seem to point the finger much more towards use than disuse.
6. Faking His Death…
True, John Cena never did actually fake his death, but the rumours have been flying along the web for years now. Search carefully enough, and you can find the obit, John Cena having supposedly died at the scene of a car crash. That there is a death hoax floating around the world wide web isn’t what makes this a less than legendary moment for Cena, but that he has failed to ever comment on the well publicized hoax is. A man of his repute, Cena hardly needs the publicity, so it is unlikely that he had any hand in the hoax to begin with, but there are people out there who depend on him. Not calling out these rumours, and phony obits is a slap to the face of every internet-addicted fan who has googled ‘John Cena’ only to read that he has died, forcing them to take that hit and suffer until they see him the following week on Monday Night Raw. Those precious moments of their sad, sad lives, spent agonizing over the loss of their superstar, only to find that he was perfectly fine the whole time. Please think of the children John!
5. Filling His Drawers In Saskatoon
Correct, John Cena filled his drawers; his tights, at the time, when performing a match in Saskatoon. Suffering from severe food poisoning, John Cena decided to suck it up and perform anyway, which was apparently a mistake. At one point in the match, Cena had to rush under the ring to vomit, during which time his body decided to evacuate fluids from both ends. Rushing back out to face his opponent (allegedly Scott Steiner), Cena made quick work of the match, hit the locker room (and presumably the shower), and tossed his tights. This smelly story has now had three renditions: the first two told by Cena at one time or another, crapping his tights first in Winnipeg and then, more recently as said on Total Divas, in Saskatoon, whereas TheHistoryofWWE.com holds that the incident happened at an un-televised event in Jacksonville, Florida. There is every reason why WWE might want to rewrite this little rosebud of history, but perhaps neither party got it wrong. Perhaps the event happened three consecutive times: though it only takes one time to make it less than legendary.
4. Bologna, Fudge, And Mustard!
Upon hearing the annoucnement of an opponent in “the world’s strongest man” Mark Henry, John Cena falls to his knees shouting “Bologna, fudge and mustard!” This master of basic thuganomics, gave up any street cred he had with one exclamation. But it gets worse. He continues by saying “I haven’t flipped out this bad since my mom cancelled my subscription to Warcraft”. This statement has a lot of implications, and while suggesting this may have been a time Cena was between relationships and living in his mom’s basement might be a bit crass…he follows it up with something even worse: he gives Michael Cole his e-mail address, which is apparently CandyPants564@gmail. Aside from the ridiculousness of each of these utterances, Cena seems to think it’s ok to lead all of those poor women and children on. Surely thousands of e-mails were sent to the above address, and perhaps some of you readers are composing e-mails right now, and this fraudulent behaviour from John Cena, giving hope to his biggest fans, and then stripping it away with a notification of delivery failure is simply less than legendary.
3. Saying No To The Yes Lock
There is a video, if you search deeply enough in the recesses of the internet, where John Cena faces off against former wrestler Daniel Bryan. A repeated offender of over acting, John Cena has, in spite of having some great matches in his history, some terrible foul ups. In this specific instance, come the end of the match, Daniel Bryan throws the signature “Yes Lock” onto Cena, who reacts more than accordingly. Overselling the move that places Bryan’s hands interlocked over Cena’s face, Cena accidentally slips from the move, and readjusts himself back into it…repeatedly. WWE was so embarrassed about the incident that you will find almost no hint of this folly on their mainstream media sources, and many of the videos clips that once made available the garish display have been closed with notice that “This video contains content from WWE, who has blocked it on copyright grounds”.
2. Giving The Shirt Off His Back And Getting It Thrown Back At Him…Twice.
An absolutely hilarious moment in John Cena history, and not even the first time it occured. Initially, at an event with once-upon-a-time ECW, Cena pulled his shirt off and tossed it into the crowd, only to receive his shirt once again. If that wasn’t enough of a slap from the extreme wrestling crowd, again on Raw, Cena takes the shirt from his back, and tosses it to the crowd. In spite of how much one could make from selling a shirt worn by the WWE superstar, the audience member who catches the shirt, promptly throws it back to Cena. Confused, arms in the air, Cena tosses the shirt in another direction to the audience, only to have it thrown back yet again! Opponent CM Punk, at this point, removes shirt, and distributes it to the audience with cheers, while Alberto Del Rio sits ringside, belly laughing. Cena then carefully picks his target to ensure a member of the C-nation receives and retains the now tarnished tee.
1. Dressing Up Like Hillary Clinton…
Happy election day to all you Americans out there…or perhaps a not-so-happy election day. Alongside WWE co-worker Victoria Justice (dolled up as Donald Trump), John Cena dons a Hillary Clinton costume at this year’s Teen Choice Awards. Assuming neither wrestler was promoting their personal politics at the event, the gimmick was met with great guffaws, especially when Keegan-Michael Key came out to do his Obama impersonation. It must be said that if Donald Trump looked more like Victoria Justice dressed as Donald Trump, there may indeed be a landslide victory for the Republicans, but alas. As for Cena…He’s already been accused of being a cross-dressing, non-marine, lunatic, illiterate, stoner, crap-rapping, villainous, racist, steroid-using, death-faking, pants-shitting, bologna-fudge-and-mustard shouting phony who can’t even give the shirt off his back…why would he want to add crooked-politician-embodying to that list? John Cena will forever be less than legendary.