Getting hurt is a part of life. You could even call it the circle of life, if Disney had any say in the matter. It’s unlikely anyone has lived an entire life without stumbling or tripping once. Some may live without ever breaking a bone. A lot could go on without having lost a limb. Whether it be big or small, the point is, everyone will get hurt one way or another eventually.
Some injuries aren’t only painful, they’re also hilarious! Getting punched in the face and losing one of your front teeth. Whacking your head and going into a trance where you start talking all sorts of nonsense. Then there’s the incidents that involve men’s jewels. The one’s that make you laugh until you cry, but also thank the universe it didn’t happen to you. Like when your bike crashes and your manhood slams on the handlebars. Or when you try to be cool and lift a shovel with your foot, but instead have it spring up and bang onto your member. Those are laughable, but can you imagine the ones that aren’t?
The one’s that leave a man with a mutilated or amputated pecker altogether? The kinds that result in a man being unable to conceive any children? Or get intimate at all for that matter? Those kinds of accidents make a person stop smiling and laughing. They’re the things nightmares are made of. So be prepared, because for a lot of these men, their Disney life stopped circling a long time ago…
15. The Bobbitt Family
Believe it or not, there used to be a time when cutting off penises was only used for religious or cultural purposes. Of course, it was a very small part of the precious member that was cut and wouldn’t have a significant impact on the participant. Not like nowadays where you hear about a wife or mistress mutilating her lover’s member because he wasn’t good to her. This kind of story happens at least once a year and has been recorded all over the world. The first to be made famous and spread worldwide was between John and Lorena Bobbitt in 1993.
Before the incident, Lorena was enduring an unhappy marriage. She claimed that John would abuse her, rape her, steal from her, and threaten to hunt her down if she ever tried to run. One day, Lorena must’ve had enough, because she went to John while he was sleeping and cut off his penis! After years of legal battles (and the successful surgical reattachment of his member) Lorena was found not guilty due to insanity and sent to a hospital to be evaluated. John got into adult films, then later moved to Las Vegas and worked as a limo driver, mower, bartender, pizza deliverer, minister and tow truck operator!
14. A True Spiderman Origin Story
Getting a bug bite is always an unpleasant experience. They get itchy, swollen and bright red. Sometimes they make you sick and vomit, and give you a 100-degree fever. So imagine how much worse it would be if you got it somewhere very sensitive. You know, the kind of places that could be stimulated without touching? Like looking at a picture of a gorgeous girl or being exposed to a snow storm? You know the place we’re talking about.
A young, 21-year-old Australian man has become the victim of a spider bite. It was from a Redback spider, known for causing intense pain, swelling and nausea. If left untreated, it’s even known to be deadly. The man got a tetanus shot and went on with his life— until it happened again! This time he was sitting on a work port-a-potty when a different Redback nipped him in the same spot. He claims the experience was a lot more severe the second time. Hopefully there won’t be an even worse third time.
13. When A Dog Bites Back
If something looks wrong, feels wrong, or seems wrong, it usually is. Maybe that’s why the universe invented karma. To show us physically or mentally what we did was stupid. Maybe you cut someone off on the way to work, only to find out it was your boss. Or maybe you cheated on someone and they cut the breaks of your car. There are all sorts of things you could be doing wrong. Although not all of them lead to something traumatic. Unfortunately for a Texan man, that was exactly what happened.
Blake Warren had a hankering about a stray dog in his neighborhood. One day, he lured the pitbull into his backyard with some packaged meat. While the dog was distracted, Blake took out his member and assaulted the animal. Without hesitation, the dog whipped around and tore into Blake’s most precious body part. He was taken to the hospital and, after hours of operation, it was concluded that his member could not be saved. Blake was known for having mental health issues prior to the accident. He now survives with a catheter for urination.
12. Johnny Knoxville vs. Motorcycle
Most people grow out of their adolescence by twenty. During that growth spurt, they’re knocking on doors and running away. They’re lighting bags of dog sh*t on fire and leaving them on doorsteps. Or they’re performing ball-busting dares to all their friends. For some, leaving that age and mindset is unappealing. So they stay reckless until the day they die— or until they’re so old and frail that they can’t even use the toilet without help.
Johnny Knoxville is one of these people. You may have heard his name or seen him on MTV’s Jackass. An hour long film that follows Johnny and a group of his friends performing a series of dangerous pranks and stunts for laughs. One of Johnny’s stunts involved him riding a motorcycle and doing a backflip. Unfortunately he fell from the bike mid-air and after landing on the ground he was hit directly in the groin by his bike. The impact was so intense it even snapped off the bikes handle bars. Johnny claims it’s “like a dog’s chew-toy down there”. Clearly it’s something he can laugh about now; good for you, Johnny.
11. Bad Sportsmanship
Sports injuries are not uncommon. Sadly, some even lead to death. Although it’s not as bad as the days when gladiators fought to the very end. With bellies being sliced open and guts flying across the coliseum. Now, we mostly have pucks hitting players in the chest or a cricket ball hitting them in the head. It’s not as bloody, but it’s still dramatic. They happen once in awhile and are heavily mourned by the nation. Of course, not all serious sports injuries lead to death. Some athletes survive even though they suffered remarkable pain.
Rugby player Haydn Peacock was one of those people. While in a match, Haydn was about to make a half-break when the opposing team’s centre reached out in a last attempt to stop him, but caught Haydn by his manhood. As if his physical pain wasn’t embarrassing enough, his expression was plastered on the front page of multiple news outlets. Haydn himself didn’t actually realize the severity of the incident until half-time. When he looked down and saw his skin had ripped off and was hanging. It took 11 stitches to close him up and, thankfully, continues to play rugby.
10. Everything Has A Purpose… Even Toys
In a world that’s so much more advanced than it used to be, it’s funny that we still find things difficult or uncomfortable to do. Understandably, it’s awkward to go into an adult shop. So it became a blessing in disguise when they invented online ordering and courier services. For some, these luxuries are either still a mystery or too absurd to even consider. Therefore they seek relief elsewhere; like with almost-empty mayonnaise tubs or cotton socks.
It’s not clear whether this man just didn’t know where to find a proper toy, but his age might explain his lack of internet browsing skills. A 50-year-old man with no wife or girlfriend wanted to do something about his sexual frustration, so he put his member in a plastic bottle— but then it got stuck. He became embarrassed, hoping that the situation would solve itself. After four days, he finally went to the hospital. Unfortunately the damage was too severe, his member had turned completely black and was starting to decay. The only thing doctors could do was remove the dead limb completely.
9. Here Fishy Fishy!
Fish can be both terrifying and adorable. They gave us nightmares in movies like Jaws and Piranha 3D. Then they gave us laughter in films like Finding Nemo and Shark Tale (and Piranha 3D). You can raise them in a tank at home or you can watch them from a ship as they burst from the sea. The point we’re getting at is that fish are everywhere. You can eat them and they can eat you. Although most people avoid the latter. Unless you have a bizarre fantasy where you hope to be swallowed by a whale. It’s not like it hasn’t been done before. Haven’t you seen Pinocchio?
There’s one fish that isn’t really spoken of, but is almost as scary as a shark. It’s called a Candiru. It’s described as a toothpick fish because of its size. They’re freshwater fish that swim in the Amazon River. If you dare to swim in the water with these guys, be warned, they see your urethra as a fish’s breathing gills. Without even realizing it, one of these guys could swim up your man part and stay there. Opening it’s umbrella-like spine so that it locks itself in place, then feast on your blood. It’s an excruciatingly painful feeling, but imagine how much worse it is to get it removed?
8. What Were You Thinking?
Having an addiction is serious. It hurts not only you, but the people around you. Of course, some people manage a healthy balance for recreational use, but for a sad few, it corrupts their lives so dramatically that they can no longer work, eat or take care of themselves. They keep going that way until they’re hospitalized or die.
An unknown New York man decided to take his use of cocaine to the next level. He believed that by inserting the drug into his manhood, it would give him a superhuman experience. Believe it or not, it’s actually not uncommon of a place to be deployed. Unfortunately for this man’s case, his erection did not go down. Instead, his blood continued to clot until he got an infection which lead to gangrene. In order to survive, he had to have nine fingers removed, both legs amputated and his penis taken off. Although it’s speculated that it fell off before they could attempt to remove it. Yikes!
7. When Rats Attack
Hospitals are a place associated with healing. All involved do their best to get you kicking again. At least that’s the main goal. Some things they have no control over. For instance, a sudden storm that cuts the power and shuts off the machines that are keeping people alive cannot be prevented. Or an earthquake that shatters an entire wing, trapping people underneath. Those events are tragic and unmanageable. Then there are the odd few that definitely could have been prevented.
A 53-year-old man in India went to the hospital after suffering from a horrible case of pneumonia. By the time his family came to visit him, the man was practically dead and drenched in his own blood. Apparently prior to their visit, the man’s member was eaten by rats! He must’ve been so sick that he couldn’t stop it from happening. By the time his family had found him, he was withering in pain. Later that day, he was pronounced dead.
6. I Wed Thee Manhood
Friends. They give the best advice. Whether it be solicited or not, they always know the perfect thing to say, right? Wrong! Some friends are stupid. Some have it out for you. Some friends don’t know anything about giving advice, but they sure do need it. Although you can’t 100% blame this man’s friends for what happened here, he was the one who put their words to action.
A man put his wedding ring on his penis with the recommendation from his friends that it was more erotic. After a round of sexual activity, the ring got stuck. Soon after, his member had become bright blue. He was rushed to the hospital where it was operated on immediately. It took three different attempts to finally get the ring off, the winning method being aspiration (where multiple tiny stabs are made on the penis to release blood, ouch). He has now completely recovered, but whether his wife is still married to him, no one knows.
5. Switched After Birth
It’s completely possible nowadays for someone to change sexes. Although it can be a gruelling decision that elicits many questions. Will you get support from friends and family after coming out to them? Are you 100% comfortable with the decision? Although that can’t be said for all. Some know from a very young age that they were born in the wrong body. It’s not unheard of and it’s not crazy. It happens. Anyway…
An interesting case occurred in 1965 when a 6-month-old named Bruce had to have surgery on his little man because he was born with phimosis (unretractable foreskin). However, his surgery was botched by an inexperienced doctor and his member was burned beyond repair. A psychologist recommended his parents reassign Bruce into a female right away, if they wanted him to ever achieve any sort of sexual maturation. They agreed and Bruce became Brenda. For years, Brenda felt alienated by her own body and ostracized by others. She even fell into a suicidal depression. By age 15 her parents told her the truth and Brenda took it upon herself to become David. He underwent sexual reassignment surgery to become a man again and later married a woman and became the father to her children. David is now living a happier life than when he was Brenda. Understandably.
4. Job Perks & Setbacks
Perks are the greatest. You don’t realize it until you’re older, but things like going to the dentist sucks a lot more when you have to pay for it too (on top of being drilled and stabbed with long needles). Then there’s the unexpected perks, like free laser removal or chiropractic massages. Some careers lather you off with a whole bunch of luxurious benefits. Still, even with all the free deep tissue massages you could ask for, it isn’t enough for some people.
A secretary went above and beyond her duties when she decided to have some fun with her boss in the company’s parking lot (because she wanted a closer parking space, obviously). Everything was going fine until a delivery truck accidentally hit their vehicle. The sudden impact threw the secretary back, but the shock caused her to bite down on what she… had in her mouth. So in a matter of seconds, her boss’ man part was suddenly ripped away and on the other side of the vehicle. It’s presumed she didn’t get a promotion after that (or a better parking space).
3. Escalator Tear
Kids do the darndest things. They stick legos up their nostrils and tug on their sister’s hair. After some time passes you can look back and laugh at it, but at the time these things occur you’re nothing but annoyed. Why do they do such stupid things? Do they not think about the repercussions? What kind of a parent is raising this child? Unless, of course, it’s you. Then all you can do is wonder who’s the bigger disappointment; you, or your child? Nah, they’re young, it happens. It’s all on you…
A young boy in Malaysia was shopping with his father in a mall. He wasn’t thrilled with his father’s slow pace, so he let go of his hand and ran ahead. The toy store was on the third level, so his father watched as the boy raced towards the escalator. His eyes drifted and a few seconds past before he heard a scream. Apparently his son’s pants got caught on the escalator and were soon bearing down on his small member. Luckily, a close by pedestrian pushed the emergency stop of the escalator and the boy was freed. He was quickly rushed to the hospital where he was treated for tears on the front and back of his member’s foreskin. Thanks to the pedestrian’s quick thinking, the boy can still pee normally and only has some stinging when taking a bath. Of course, that could be healed by now.
2. Charred in the Tatum
Who would’ve thought celebrities were human? Seeing the way they’re always smothered and trampled by fans could only mean they’re immortal or one of the X-Men. We’re only kidding, we know that behind closed doors they’re totally normal. Watching Netflix and ordering pizza like 99% of the rest of the population they live with. The only real difference between us and them is that what happens to them is advertised a lot more than what does for us. Breaking up, getting into a fight, being hurt. It’s posted online and in magazines routinely. So what happened to this celebrity shouldn’t be a surprise.
While filming a very chilly scene in The Eagle, Channing Tatum was continually being doused with warm water to keep his temperature up. It was routine for one crew member to run back and forth up a hill to get boiling water, then reduce the heat at the bottom of the hill before pouring it on Channing. However, after 13 hours of work, the crew member forgot to cool the water and poured the searing hot liquid on Channing’s body— and manhood. It continued to burn for another 30 minutes and caused some of his skin to melt off. Lucky for him, his member fully healed and he was able to have fun after only a week.
1. What’s Up, Doc?
This has got to be one of the most terrifying injuries on this list. Imagine going into a planned surgery to correct a testicular malformation. Only to wake up and find your penis out of place and dismembered, your arm bandaged and a penis-looking-thing-but-not-quite where it once was. Well, this happened to a 36-year-old man over a decade ago.
Nelu was lying on the operating table, completely out of it, when his surgeon Naum was operating on his member. He accidentally sliced a channel that he shouldn’t have and completely lost his mind. With the nursing staff shocked and unable to move, Naum went on to chop off the man’s member, slice it into three pieces (it’s speculated that he continued to cut until the penis was no longer recognizable), then stormed out of the room. After some thinking, they built a new penis out of the man’s arm (with the help of a new, well-minded surgeon). Naum was ordered to pay damages to the hospital and victim and had his medical license suspended.