If you ask the majority of females their opinion about men and their second brain, I bet the consensus is that we think with our mid-section more than we do with our head. That’s a broad generalization, but realistically the vast majority of guys would be considered, guilty, guilty, guilty.
Are you interested in excruciating, self-inflicted, public humiliation that exposes men, not only figuratively but literally? Every story on this list is one of those stories. I also imagine the vast majority of people hadn’t dialed 911 before either…let alone for a situation that’s mortifying in every sense of the word? God, I hope not!
Guys who’ve put their peckers in the wrong beehive have had that decision come back to bite them in painful circumstances far and wide. This article will have you believe that by the time you’re done reading it, I assure you.
Some men have lost their manhood via some crazy, knife carrying witch, while other people decided to chop their package off themselves. Whatever the occasion, whatever the reason, these emergency calls to 911 must have been the hardest three numbers a person, a friend, an onlooker, would ever have to dial in their entire life.
There isn’t much more entertaining, or absurd… hell there isn’t anything that makes a man cringe more than the stories you’ll read in this article. Get ready and put your big boy pants on and keep them on, unlike the guys you’ll read about here who got caught with their pants down.
15. Caught In A Pool Jet
It’s hard to comprehend what this guy was thinking when he decided he’d get busy with himself in a pool. Usually, moments like that are reserved for a beautiful woman who just so happens to be in the pool as well. Nope, not this dude. Not only did he figure treating himself like an amusement park ride was cool, but he found an unsuspecting pool jet to take out his sexual aggression.
If I’m not mistaken there’s usually water flowing out of those jets, right? Regardless this man ended up sticking parts of his package in an area of the swimming pool no one ever should. He was found by a person passing by who called 911 and laughed while they did so.
14. Applebee’s Wasn’t Enough Meat For This Escort
Back in 2013, Orlando police arrested Priscilla Vaughn for gnawing on a man’s package so badly that he wound up needing surgery. According to reports the man was in need of an escort and found Vaughn’s ad on the infamous backpage.com. After a romantic dinner at Applebee’s (yeah right), the pair indulged in some majestic substances, as well as drinking alcohol and smoking grass before returning to the man’s hotel room. At that point, Vaughn must have thought she was at dinner again because she started chewing on the man’s junk so vigorously that he began to bleed profusely. The man attempted to fight the escort off but to no avail. Vaughn was too strong for him. Apparently, Applebee’s didn’t hit the spot, and the woman felt like having a second serving served bloody rare.
13. Man Gets Intrigued (And Stuck!) By Toaster Slots
A toaster as you all know is for toasting bread, and that’s all. Well, maybe an English muffin or a bagel but you get the idea. You shouldn’t dig in a toaster with a knife to get your toasted food out, either. You could get electrocuted dip-shit. Pretty obvious, right? How is it then that a man can know basic safety precautions and still put his manhood into a toaster looking for pleasure? It’s hard to believe 911 calls like this even happen. For the life of me, I will never understand what this guy was thinking. Of all the things a person could stick his junk in, why an electric toaster? Nonetheless, London firefighters were called to rescue a gentleman who got his manhood stuck in the appliance. How bizarre!
12. Man Urinates Blood So He Investigates…With A Chopstick
Here’s a case in which calling a doctor, calling 911, calling anybody would have been a better choice than what this Chinese man did to himself. I just couldn’t leave this guy’s story out of this article; it’s just too good. Yes, you read that first part correctly also, the man did this to himself! The x-ray shows it all but what’s that you’re looking at? It’s a freaking chopstick people. Oh, my god, the pain of sticking that thing up your manhood would be excruciating. This man was understandably uneasy after discovering he was urinating blood. Rather than go to a doctor, he thought he would give himself an at home examination and try to figure out the cause of his bleeding. I’m sure the chopstick didn’t help, genius.
11. Trip To The Toilet Features A Snake Bite
This next story is about a man who was sitting on the toilet when a python sunk its teeth into the poor guy’s package. If this story gives you a shiver up your spine, then trust me you’re not the only person! Shockingly enough, snakes in toilets aren’t anything new in Thailand. That fact alone makes both genders feel uneasy about using the bathroom I imagine. In this case though, having a snake sink its fangs into a man’s unit was most certainly new. That’s the snake in the photo as well, and it doesn’t look small does it? Emergency personnel had to remove the snake from the toilet as you can see. Somehow the slithering snake lived. So did the victim after losing his share of blood!
10. Jim Morrison Presents Himself On-Stage In Front Of Cops
For any of you music lovers out there, Jim Morrison, lead singer of “The Doors” had his run-in with police while performing on stage in Miami. The year was 1969, and Jim thought it would be a good idea to screw with the police, and the audience, by busting out his ‘manhood’ on stage for everyone to see. Yes, that includes the authorities as well. That stupid decision ended up being a terrible move for the famous singer and his band. The incident got the attention of lawmakers and loyal fans alike as Jim spent boo coo bucks defending himself, and his antics in a court of law. Some crazy, stupid news comes out of Florida every day. Jim Morrison revealing himself on stage at a “Doors” concert is right up there with the best of them.
9. Man Gets Stuck In Bottle And Pulls Out A Hacksaw
Rescue personnel spent 10 minutes trying to help a man in Malaysia free his manhood from a plastic bottle. The man claims he caught his shaft in the container because he couldn’t make it to the bathroom. Naturally, he thought he’d take advantage of the next best thing and use an empty plastic bottle. After realizing he’d made another bad choice he used a hacksaw to try and remove the bottle from his unit. That was yet another crap decision because the man sliced himself so badly he started bleeding excessively. Emergency workers were then notified and rushed to the man’s assistance. Who knows why the man pulled out a hacksaw on himself, but I’m guessing it’s because he wasn’t using the bottle in the way he claims.
8. Former NFL RB Jamal Anderson Exposes Himself In Store
For some reason, it seems like if you look hard enough, you can find an ex-professional athlete doing something really, really, stupid and making a fool of themselves. Ex-Atlanta Falcons running back Jamal Anderson doesn’t seem to be any different on that front. Oddly, this once productive player (the dude could play ball) walked into a QuickTrip store and exposed himself to the employee on staff. Hell, he even played with himself according to reports. Georgia, 911 operators received a call from a QuickTrip cashier in the wee hours one morning after Anderson entered the store under the influence and tried paying for his bill with his manhood instead of cash. On what planet does that even begin to make sense? Not this one!
7. Trouble In Thailand After Man Underestimates His Excitement
If you ever see a surgeon using a hacksaw to free your ‘manhood’, then you are in some serious trouble, my friend. A Thai man discovered his erection had expanded too much after finding his prick was stuck in a ring and it wasn’t coming off. A rescue member on the scene said, “The man put the metal alloy ring on his penis for some kind of sex game at home. I’m not sure if it was one he’d bought from a shop or something he found in the garage, but he hadn’t measured himself properly and when his penis expanded he could not remove it.”
The rescue member went on to say, “It took doctors three hours using a 2ft long bolt cutter and a hacksaw to cut off the small ring to set him free.”
6. Christ Bearer Of Wu-Tang Decides To Chop It Off
Andre Johnson, otherwise known as “Christ Bearer” of the forever famous Wu-Tang Clan made a life changing decision one night in his Hollywood home.
Mr. Johnson due to an overwhelming state of depression from not being able to see his children figured he’d remove the appendage that created his kids. Crazy, huh? How Mr. Johnson could chop his own ‘member’ off is beyond the understanding of 99.9% of men around the world…no matter how bad life has gotten. Apparently, Christ Bearer claimed he started to smoke grass and read a book about monks and vasectomies. That must have been some really good smoke and an awe-inspiring book to make a man do that to himself.
5. The Case Of Lorena Bobbitt
This next story about John and Lorena Bobbitt caught the world by storm back in 1993. How couldn’t it in all honesty? If you’re too young to remember Lorena Bobbitt then here’s the scoop for you. Lorena cut her then husband John’s manhood off as he lay sleeping in bed. That’s a nightmare come true if I’ve ever heard one before! After Lorena cut her husbands shaft off at the base, she fled in her car only to pull over and call 911. John’s prick was eventually reattached after 9 hours of surgery. Well, that is after they found the damn thing. Lorena claimed that her husband had raped her that evening so she took matters into her own hands, literally.
4. 50 Shades Of Grey Leads To More Work For Doctors
Fifty Shades of Grey bedroom games seem to be a big problem according to the London Fire Brigade. A number of emergency calls involving metal rings and handcuffs are on the rise after the sequel Fifty Shades Darker landed in cinemas all around the globe early in 2017. Who would have thought that a movie could become such a big problem? Officials claim that they have assisted nine men out of manhood rings and fifteen partners out of handcuffs since 2016. That’s a lot of 911 calls don’t you think? I guess lovers across the pond like to play dirty when it comes to their bedroom behavior. Authorities are less than enthusiastic about the situation and warn all couples to think twice before putting themselves into sticky situations.
3. Wiz Khalifa Caught Taking A Whiz…
Cameron Jibril Thomaz, a.k.a. Wiz Khalifa didn’t have time to find the urinal at a local bar called “The Flats” located on the south side of Pittsburgh. Around 2:30 in the morning police officers cited the famous rapper for public urination. I doubt many of you readers are surprised. No need for anybody to call 911 this time either, the police caught him in the act. I guess it pays to be rich and not care about a damn thing, right? In Wiz’s defense, just about every man walking the earth has pulled out their manhood to relieve themselves at some point in their past. That doesn’t make the action okay don’t get me wrong, but even a rapper with mega bucks makes poor decisions in public with his package.
2. Booty Bumping Turns Public After Man Gets Stuck In Kenya
Embarrassing is the understatement of the year when it comes to this story out of Kenya. As luck would have it a man was getting frisky with his lover when he became stuck inside of her. Who knew that could even happen but apparently it can? To make matters worse when emergency staff showed up they thought it was best to put the couple on a gurney and walk them through the town to the hospital. Are you kidding me? Do they not have a better way of handling this kind of problem in Kenya? I guess not. As you can see the woman has her face covered and who can blame her? There’s no way these two are going to forget this sex debacle any time soon.
1. An Interesting Costume Choice Leads To Complaints
Halloween is a fantastically fun holiday where people usually get dressed up as their favorite character and go out for a night of fun. In this case, beggars night turned into a fiasco. Officials are quoted saying, “We had several 911 calls, messages and citizens concerned about a young man in a less than appropriate costume for an event like this,” Shepherd Police Chief Luke Sawyer made sure to also add,“We will not let one person make a downer of such a cool, fun event.”
Authorities also went on to say “Unfortunately, a lack of common sense is not illegal. The freedom of speech that allowed him to wear his penis costume also allowed you to voice your displeasure over it.” In other news, penis costumes aren’t for community events!
In other news, penis costumes aren’t for community events!