The human body is so amazingly resilient. We can tackle any extreme condition and subject ourselves to hours of physical exertion. We can take a huge hit, fall and bounce right back up.
Since birth we were built to take a beating. Babies scamper around covering themselves in bruises until they learn to walk. Then they learn to run and jump. With greater speed comes greater danger, and our bodies quickly adapt and get tougher. Then simple machines are introduced, like bicycles, skateboards and scooters. We build even more speed and rip open our knees, scratch our sides, and scab our elbows. But we don’t stop there. Next comes team competition. We strap on pads, cleats or skates, and grab sticks and throw balls. We give chase, and smash our bodies into each other for fun, filled with a sadistic desire to prove our dominance.
Then as we age, smashing bodies takes on a new meaning. Puberty brings a whole new set of priorities, and uncovers a new weakness. With the promise of sexual exploits comes one major setback: the balls have dropped, and they are sensitive. Man is no longer indestructible. He has a weak spot.
After our balls are first crushed, we never forget it. We were sent reeling into another dimension of misery, and never want to go back. From that point on we protect our nuts as best we can. But accidents do happen, and sometimes we’re caught by surprise, discovering pain even worse than a kick to the nuts.
18. Having A Toenail Ripped Off
If you ever go camping, promise us that you’ll do one thing: wear boots. We don’t care if it’s 90 degrees out. Just wear the boots. Flip flops are a big no-no. If you wear flip flops camping, you’re going to have a few beers, and walk into the woods to pee. And the next thing you know, some forest floor stick pops your toenail off like a bottlecap. You’ll be sent to the ground bleeding like crazy, trying to reattach this unbelievable huge plastic-like claw back onto your body. But don’t be fooled, it won’t go back on. And tomorrow and the following week, it’ll hurt even worse. Smashing a fingernail is also extremely painful, and sometimes when the nail stays on the pain is even worse.
Here’s another vacation weekend mistake gone horribly wrong. Everybody has said it at least once before, “Oh, I already have a tan, I don’t need sunscreen” or “I don’t know, it’s already past noon, I think I’ll be okay.” Wrong and wrong. You have to put sunscreen on. Or just wear a stinking shirt, for crying out loud. Sunburns are the worst. Worse than most other burns. A pain that won’t let you sleep at night. A pain that will make you sweat in 60-degree weather. And the pain will persist and increase throughout the evening. “And it’s not good, down the road either, with an increased potential for skin cancer,” Debbie Downer says.
16. Paper Cuts
This one isn’t really that bad usually, but it can be. Say you get a paper cut, and then you decide to cook. Get out some salt or some lemon juice, and bam! Instant, sharp pain. Granted the pain is localized to a tough body part, and it’s fleeting as well. But that initial shock of pain that runs through your entire body at that instant is one of the most intense feelings one can bear. It may be no shot to the nuts for a seasoned chef, but it’s no joke either. And its evil cousin, the hangnail, almost made the list too. Constantly annoying, making you jerk your arm back when you reach into your pocket. The Chinese water torture of pain.
Now if you live in a mild climate, you are probably just laughing at this one, but it’s seriously painful. Did you ever wait for the bus during a windy February cold-front up north? Have you ever felt your eyeballs begin to freeze? How about your nose? Sometimes the pain comes in like daggers into your skin. You’ve got to find some fabric to cover up with. You start to fidget in panic, which is good, that’s your body trying to warm itself up. Then you get inside and try to rinse your frozen hands in warm water, but that really doesn’t help. The painful tingling will not go away for while. The painful lingering surely outlasts that of a nut kick.
14. Sprained Ankles
Why in the world does this hurt so much? We need our legs and ankles to survive on this planet, you’d think that they would be tougher than this, but they’re not. In one second you can go from jumping around and happy as hell to, “Oh my lord, I cannot move.” Then you go home and try to make dinner and you’re literally crawling on the floor like a baby. Trying to reach the potato chips on the counter, but they’re just inches out of reach. You try to put some weight on it and the surging pain comes again and knocks you over. You wish a mountain lion would just storm in and end it all. Then, even worse, you have to go to the hospital and explain how clutzy you were to like 10 different cute nurses, adding insult to injury.
13. Brain Freezes
If time machines were ever invented, then the first thing I would do is sabotage the sadistic sweet-tooth beverage engineer who designed the slurpee machine. That drink is pure torture in a cup. It’s so sweet and so delicious that you instantly want to inhale half of it and then are hit with a severe, like super severe, headache from hell. The good news is it will only last a mere second. The bad news is, you still have tons of slurpee left, pretty soon you will want to guzzle it down again, and are somehow amazed, again, that your head is going to implode.
12. Purple Nurples
This may be the first deliberate act on this list, but oh, man, is it ever painful. This torturous act is a product of bullying at its finest. Usually experienced at a fairly young age, even before puberty, this is a crash course in the introduction of pain. If you had an older brother growing up, or a friend that had an older brother, or maybe you got too close to that bonkers kid at the park, then you have probably been subjected to a purple nurple. The nipple is taken between the thumb and forefinger, and viciously pinched and twisted. This form of torture was probably invented centuries ago by medieval kings interrogating their prisoners.
11. Paintball Bruises
People can get hit by lots of things, which is obviously never fun. Say you are batting in baseball and get beaned, or you take a hockey puck to the head with no helmet, or get a soccer ball kick straight to the nose. These projectiles all undoubtedly hurt, but it hurts worse when it’s shot from a gun. Getting shot by a real bullet must surely hurt like hell, but that’s an accident too uncommon for this particular list. Instead let’s include a paintball shot at close range. It’s like a skin concussion, there’s nowhere for the damaged cells to escape. Then end up forming a donut-shaped ring of misery that you show off to your friends and then they slap at it and laugh at you for sucking at paintball.
10. Sleepy Limbs
Okay, so you have been sitting on the ground for a little while now. Maybe you were watching a movie or a TV show in a crowded room and all the good couch spots were already taken. Then the movie’s over and it’s time to stand up, but your foot has been cut off from a decent blood supply and now it’s completely numb. Your foot fell asleep, but you have to get up and move, so you start stomping your heel and trying to wake the damn thing up. But it’s no use. Your leg will never work again, you think. Then suddenly there’s a rush of pain. Like a thousand tiny pin pricks turning the back of your thigh into mincemeat. You vocalize your pain with a laugh. But it’s not funny. It’s painful. Even worse than a kick in the nuts.
9. Head Bonks
Have you ever been in a cellar or a small storage room? Let’s say you are in there for a while trying to find whatever object you went in there to get in the first place. And when you eventually find that object, you’re happy to have found it, and in your blind joy, you instinctively stand straight up. That’s when you are hit with a shockwave of pain, because you just banged your head on the ceiling so incredibly hard. It’s actually pretty amazing how much force your body uses to stand, and you realize every ounce of that force when it suddenly comes to an abrupt, unexpected stop.
8. Tetanus Shots
Flu shots are easy. It’s like it never even happened. Old people can even handle flu shots, and so can kids, with some whining silenced by a lollipop. But a tetanus shot? Forget about it. They’ll make even a grown man cry. Whatever you do, do not let anything at all brush up against your sore upper arm, or you will feel every nerve in your body ache like it’s getting wrung like a sponge. How can this one little shot cause so much pain? Well, the good news is it beats the alternative of stepping on a rusty nail and getting lockjaw. Not being able to open your mouth or swallow? No thanks, we’ll take the shot and the pain that comes with it.
7. Getting Tackled
Football is a great sport to watch, and play too, until you reach a certain age and then getting thrown into the ground is not so much fun anymore. And there’s always that guy at the annual backyard Thanksgiving Day game that accidentally gets way too physical. Imagine getting pummeled into the frozen earth even though you’re supposed to be playing two-hand-touch. All of your body parts get smooshed around where they’re not supposed to be, and it hurts bad when you try to get up. What happened? Did you break a rib? Did your appendix burst? You don’t know, and try to ignore the pain, because you’re a man, you are tough, and that’s what football is all about.
6. Getting Dumped
And now we dive into a whole nother realm that is possibly more painful than anything. Emotional pain. It can come at the most random of times and sometimes you can see it coming. But either way it still hurts. Your dog dies. That’s a kick in the nuts. Your favorite baseball team loses in the seventh game. That’s a kick in the nuts. Your beautiful girlfriend dumps you. A kick in the nuts. Even worse if you’re drunk at the time. Even worse if you catch her cheating. Even worse if she was cheating with your friend. Love is an emotional rollercoaster. So just cry it out. You are not alone. We all get kicked in the nuts at some point in our lives.
As we all know, there are so many nerve endings in your teeth. Something you don’t realize until you bite into something too hot or too cold one day, and suddenly you are sent reeling into pure agony. Gingerly you proceed to chew like you are suddenly 110 years old. Even though you are so hungry, you try to be careful, but then your appetite urges you to throw caution to the wind, and zing! Another kick to the nuts. Your mouth strikes you again where it hurts. Oh well, a couple more days and the pain will mysteriously disappear, and the dentist gets avoided once again.
4. Marathon Training
Running is so good for you. And it’s become quite popular. The Boston marathon alone went from 9,000 runners back in 1994 to over 35,000 runners just 20 years later. Running is good for just about every muscle in your body, the problem is the joints suffer. What is the longest you’ve ever tried to run? Because if you’re a novice, training for a marathon, get ready for some pain. Once you hit about mile number 6 you will want to fall over and die on the side of the road. You can’t breath and every ounce of your body aches and pulses with agony. But guess what? If you want to run that marathon, you’re gonna have to run 6 miles again tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. A kick in the nuts for months on end.
Unlike most entries on the list, this is something that I’ve never experienced, but wow, it looks painfully awful. Just watching Steve Carell on The 40 Year Old Virgin makes most moviegoers want to be sick and avoid ever going through with waxing. And Carell is an actor who got paid millions of dollars to do that scene. Most people in this world volunteer themselves for such pain. In fact, they even PAY to have someone torture them like that. Come on, people. Keep it natural, okay? A kick in the nuts is not worth the minimal beautification benefits that waxing provides. Please consider a sane alternative.
This one comes in many shapes and forms, but by far the most painful vomit experience is the morning after you’ve been drinking way too much. Why couldn’t the sick have come last night when you were drunk and felt no pain? No, it has to come at one in the afternoon, after you thought you had made it into the clear and your hangover was conquered. Nope. The smell of that restaurant did you in. Now you head straight home and swear to yourself you’ll never drink again, as your back muscles arch and spasm in agony. But it’s surprising how soon the next weekend comes, and how fast your body forgets.
1. Child Birth
Again, here’s another painful experience that this male writer obviously has no personal experience with. That being said, I have been there first hand to witness the drama, and it’s not pretty. Not only do women push a watermelon out of a button hole, but they have to deal with the extremely stressful before, and after. And something always goes wrong. There’s a multitude of risks including gestational diabetes, streptococcus, HELLP syndrome and more. Then during labor, there may not be enough time for an epidural, and maybe the baby’s head is huge, or they’re coming out feet first, or sunny side up, resulting in forceps, and a tremendous push and tug battle that results in turds on the gurney and the mother not walking for a few weeks. This is no joke. A kick in the nuts? Seriously? Women are laughing at that nonsense. There’s no comparison. Men owe a debt that can never be paid. Go call your mom and tell her you love her.