Warning labels exist for specific reasons, and while the majority of people seem to heed these cautions with ease, there are a select few other dummies who are determined to do something so outrageous with products that manufacturers have to issue warnings they never thought would ever be needed.
Common sense is not as common as we think. There’s that little, nagging voice in our heads that tell us the difference between right and wrong, even when the line between each is blurred. No, you’re not supposed to stick a screwdriver up your urethral meatus (look it up at your own risk) and swallowing hangers isn’t something your dry cleaner needs to advertise not to do.
Remember the good ol’ days when products had warnings like, “Keep out of reach of children,” or “Avoid contact with skin”? Who knew that those warnings would evolve to having to tell people that if they have a nut allergy they should stay away from peanuts? We can’t help if we’re just dumb people, but we can help the dumb decisions that we make. The warnings below weren’t just made for the idiots who almost killed themselves by attempting to breathe underwater (seriously, that’s a thing) but for those of us who need to laugh at the intellectually less fortunate. If that sounds selfish, it is. Everyone needs to chuckle sometimes, even if it’s at another’s expense. For some it’s binge-watching Love & Hip Hop. For others it’s wondering why a grocery store needs to alert its customers that Cat Milk, does not, unfortunately, come from cats.
15. Underwear Instructions
There’s a saying that goes, “We all put our pants on, one leg at a time.” It’s typically said in order to make people feel as if they’re just like everyone else, meaning we’re all more alike than we would like to think. Whoever coined that phrase didn’t see this warning label because apparently there are people roaming the streets who have found new, inventive ways to put on their underwear. I understand putting on your shirt awkwardly because you just finish sculpting your coif or putting on your makeup, but what is the end goal by trying to put underwear on one’s head with the arms through the leg holes? The real question is: how many people had to do this before a committee deemed it necessary to add an instruction tag to the package?
14. Surprise! Peanuts Contain Nuts
Allergies can be pesky annoyances that keep well-minded folks away from a variety of tasty foods. A common allergy, that of nuts, keeps people away from peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, that hazelnut-chocolate-crack spread that is Nutella, and that Thai peanut sauce that tastes great on just about everything.
Those with certain allergies to say, I don’t know, let’s go with peanuts, should know that contact with the food may lead to them having a severe reaction- like dying. So, why any market or grocery store would have to place a sign on peanuts warning shoppers that peanuts contain peanuts must mean that a dumb person somewhere bought them and complained they didn’t know their nuts had nuts. You can’t make this stuff up.
13. Rogue Seagulls
Eating outdoors at carnivals or amusement parks isn’t the easiest feat considering there are usually dozens of our winged friends just waiting for a handout. It isn’t abnormal to see signs in parks or outside of restaurants that read “Don’t feed the birds!” because of some unfortunate accident that they’d like to forget.
This possibly-beach-side establishment had to get specific because apparently there’s a huge funnel cake problem with the seagulls, who, I’ve heard, have an unnatural affinity to sugary pastries. When there is a place that is accustomed to having large crowds of people, animals who may frequent the area end up cashing in on free grub, but this does make them a tad aggressive as time goes on. These seagulls have been living the high life so often that they think that they own the place, so no one is willing to take responsibility if they swoop in on your desserts.
12. Above Water Only
You wouldn’t think so, but basic instructions on how to breathe are needed in places with large bodies of water. It’s hard to believe that some people would try their best to imitate the lives of fish only to realize that the end result is drowning. We can see the necessity of telling people visiting a public (or private) pool not to run, jump, or play in the immediate area because they’ll be at risk of serious injury, but telling people not to inhale water should be an obvious warning that’s unnecessary. Still, there is a pool somewhere — and we’re hoping it’s only one — that must put up this sign because there are dumb individuals who think that humans were made to be amphibious- only to learn the hard way that mimicking the life of a frog can result in death.
11. Stay Out Of The Washer
Washing machines are made for clothes. Enter Captain Obvious from the Hotels.com commercials to remind you of that the next time you’re having a hankering to put yourself inside of one and go for a spin. Unfortunately, that scenario is something that a select few of the less intelligent crowd has tried, because manufacturers have felt the need to tell people not to place themselves, or others, inside of their machines. It’s still a toss up as to which warning is worse: telling people not to climb inside washing machines, telling them that “clothes are moving,” or that “water is in the washer.” Of course, there’s always the drawing of how the washer looks when it’s both open and closed to let people know how to use the washer. So many unneeded warnings and such a close call as to which one is worse than the rest.
10. For The Curled Up Look
Why anyone would want to put a hair straightening iron anywhere near their eyelashes is beyond us, but there was an idiot somewhere on the planet who decided to try. The very thought of steaming heat next to your windows to the soul should put the fear of all things holy into you, so one has to wonder who in their right mind would think it was a good idea to heat press their eyelashes. Have you ever straightened your hair and even felt the heat get too close to your skin? It’s torture! Even on the lowest setting this wouldn’t work on eyelashes. Do people who try this live in an area of the world that have hair straighteners but not lengthening mascara? There are easier ways of obtaining full, luscious lashes that don’t include burning away your eyeballs.
9. You Can Die
It used to be that whatever debt you had when you died went away and disappeared into thin air because, let’s face it, a dead guy can’t pay his bills. Nowadays companies are not playing games when it comes to their money and are passing down debt to family members of the deceased as if they’re heirlooms. Now companies aren’t even trying to sneak attack people with the post-death bills by warning them that 1) if they touch the wires in question they will indeed die and 2) if and when you die, you will be responsible for a $200 fine. How they are going to collect on that one is tricky, but we’d love to get a front row seat to see how that will be enforced.
8. Cardboard Dinner
We love pizza as much as the next guy. When that delivery guy knocks on your door after you’ve been waiting impatiently on that hot, cheesy pie it’s just so difficult to contain your excitement — not as much as the guy who apparently was so thrilled about pizza he began eating the cardboard box it was delivered in. One has to wonder whether or not the box, because it houses such delicious goodness, tastes anything like the pizza itself, but we assume that it doesn’t. However, after a long night of drinking tequila shots followed by Jager bombs, a numbed tongue thinks that even a cardboard box tastes great. The fact that this warning is even necessary speaks volumes to the decline of human civilization.
7. Cat Milk Is Not What You Think
You have to admit, this one is downright misleading, is it not? The first thing any rationally minded person would think when they saw a bottled product called “cat milk” is, Hey, I wonder if this comes from cats! After that thought normal people would laugh at themselves because the thought of a cat farm that milked mama cats for their milk would be ridiculous, but somehow that is a terrifying reality for some that didn’t understand how to read packaging. No, Cat Milk made by Whiskas doesn’t come from real cats, but it is milk that is made for cats. Still, we can’t help but wish that we could hear the conversation that transpired between an employee and the ultimate cat lady who was appalled that poor kitties were being milked — or the creepo that bought it for the pleasure of drinking milk from cats. Either scenario would be weird.
6. Pigeon Fingers
Like we said before, areas where wild birds are fed regularly can make them more aggressive. More and more outdoor eating facilities are trying to warn guests about feeding begging birds who approach them. Sometimes animals will be so bold as to fly or walk up to your plate and steal your food as if you purchased it for them, and if that happens it’s safe to just kiss your meal goodbye and give it up to the wildlife gods. For you others still brave enough to hand-feed our aggro feathered friends, I hope you’ve been practicing getting around with nine fingers because wherever this sign is posted, pigeons are straight up ripping off appendages. Hey, sometimes it’s easy to mistake a finger for a french fry when you’re a starving, hostile bird.
5. Burning Shirt
We’ve all had a moment where we’re running late and realize that our shirt still has a few too many wrinkles for our liking. Most of us will try to iron as quickly as possible so we don’t look as if some giant balled us up in his fist like a piece of paper, but not many of us would keep the clothes on while doing the ironing. How many people had to be rushed to the emergency room for this warning to actually make it onto an iron’s packaging? Any person who had yet to realize that extreme heat can burn are the same people who have a surprised look on their face when they find out that water is wet. Maybe their sinks and showers should come with a warning as well.
4. Don’t Insert It Where?
Okay…okay. Women may never understand all the weird things that guys do with their penises. Men seem more fascinated with their private parts than anyone else, but why any of them would think that sticking a small screwdriver in the tip of their penis is a good thing is anyone’s guess. We’d like to think this was done as a dare or a joke at a frat party where everyone was so drunk that everything sounds like a good decision, but something tells us that this warning was the result of some burly man sitting in his garage working on a project so difficult that he just got bored and decided to see exactly where this screwdriver could fit. That, or it was a sex act gone way wrong. Incredibly, terribly wrong.
3. Ass Hat
Sammy Hagar said there was only one way to rock, and these instructions are letting you know there’s only one way to wear a hat. This can be limiting to others who have a more eclectic fashion style. Who says hats can’t be worn on your butt? Where are the rules that say one of your shoes can’t be headwear? It all seems fairly limiting on how you can wear your own clothes, so if you want to be the guy (or girl) who wears hats as shoulder pads, go for it. Break out your buckets, deerstalkers, truckers, cowboys, fedoras, beanies, panamas, coonskins, and bowlers and put them on your feet with pride. We all may think you’re crazy but never as much as the first guy who did it so often that the hat company had to issue a warning.
2. Shower Cleaner Body Wash
The makers of Scrubbing Bubbles decided to cater to the laziness of, well, most people, and created an automatic shower cleaner. It hangs from the shower head and looks like a mini water cooler and, at first glance, resembles a fancy shower gel dispenser. If you’re looking to install one of these in your shower, it might be a good thing to alert everyone else in your household. If you don’t then your significant other, children, and/or roommates will wonder why the people they interact with tell them that their new body wash reminds them of scrubbing bathroom tiles. The dilemma with mistaking this product for body wash is partially the company’s fault for making the product too damn convenient. However, the big sign on the front that says Scrubbing Bubbles cleaner should not be used on one’s body is a more than fair warning, but dummies rarely read.
1. Swallowing Hangers
We’re not here to knock your hustle if you just happen to be a sword or hanger swallower for a Freak Show Circus. This warning was created for the everyday people who think that gulping down wire hangers will not severely harm or kill them but make them look like some sort of cartoon character. What happened at Morellis Cleaners — let’s think about this — that made them so shocked that they ordered an entirely new shipment of hangers with sleeves that warned customers not to swallow the hangers? They don’t even fit inside human mouths enough to be swallowed, and before any of you try to suggest that this was a warning for a large animal, the drawing under the “no” symbol is clearly a happy human with a hanger in his throat. For those of you who are expanding your swallowing abilities, you have been warned. And when in doubt, just remember: No wire hangers!!!