Douchebags live everywhere; they are among us every day – talking too loudly, making rude comments and often sticking their chest out over something idiotic. Sometimes they are sprawled out in the airline gate area, on their backs, not caring about whose space they may be invading. What a douchebag! Of course, some places you will find more than others. If you really can’t stand douchebags you will want to avoid these cities.
Cities that qualified had a high percentage of douchebag to non-douchebag residents. Note that I say residents; this eliminates New Orleans where a high volume of tourists are D-bags, but in general the people of New Orleans are good people. Pittsburgh just missed the list, which is surprising, but not to worry we’ve got other blue collar cities as well as a much more douche bag filled city in Pennsylvania. Dallas also didn’t make the list and I think it has to do with the cowboy hats. Wear a cowboy hat and you have a license to act however you want. You also won’t find Nashville and Memphis on this list because, well, I just like these cities too much.
It may seem like I’ve taken out a lot of real douchebag filled cities, but that is actually not the case. The 15 cities below push the boundaries of what it means to be a douchebag. Interestingly it’s not always the same reason, some are self-important, others are way too closed minded and others are just dicks. Yeah, most of the dicks are on the East Coast. I hate to admit that. If there was one city that I struggled with its New York City; they have too much of everything so of course they have their share of douche bags. Still, like my favorites in Tennessee, I’ve decided to give them a reprieve from my rants.
15. Phoenix – Hot, Bored Douchebags
Cities in hot climates have it rough, but at least you have the beach. Unfortunately for Phoenix they are not on the ocean, hence, no beach. Apparently hot sun with no beach affects brain cells because there are a lot of D-bags in this Arizona metropolis. Again, I believe it’s directly impacted by the heat, forcing the locals to spend time in malls which are essentially landmarks in these parts. Anyone who has spent a lot of time in a mall knows you become a little more douchebaggy each hour you spend there.
What else makes the people unbearable? That would be their love of politics. They love politics so much it takes precedent over culture; essentially they would rather live worse if they believe it aligns with their political beliefs. This makes no sense. In summary, Phoenix is a place that is home to mostly transplants, not many born here stay here and it’s because of the heat with lack of beaches.
14. Washington D.C. – Smug Douches
Nothing makes a city of douchebags more than a sense of self importance. Washington D.C. is full of this sentiment and the rest of America doesn’t understand why. Young men and women flock to our country’s capital to make a difference and instead turn into politicians without experience outside of trying to sleep with other interns.
So many good people go to D.C. and turn into D-bags, returning to their home towns, thinking they are smarter than everyone when really they are just insulting. Maybe it’s the fact that the city of Washington D.C. isn’t a real city, just an open air museum. Whatever it is the self-entitlement isn’t validated by anyone outside of their awful town. Think your city is better than others? Do you realize your football team is the Washington Redskins, a team that’s nickname is racist and sucks? Yeah, I said it, your team sucks!
13. Miami – Vanilla Ice’s Playground
I mean, it’s Miami, I really should just have to list this city, but we’ve got a word count to hit here folks. Miami douchebags are two-fold. First, there’s the South Beach side and then there is Miami proper. For the former, look no further than Vanilla Ice’s Ice Ice Baby song and video. This is where he chose to cruise in his 5.0; enough said. Vanilla Ice was one major douchebag riding along with his followers.
For the latter, it’s much worse. Miami is a diverse city with lots of guys that think they rule the world. Call it a Scarface complex or whatever you wish, but if you are from out of town and are in downtown Miami I suggest staying away from the locals. They will steal your girl, rob you and then still want to fight you. Not bad enough? Go to a strip club and watch some over protective jealous bro throw down because his stripper girlfriend is dancing too close to you. Miami is a wonderful place full of sun and beaches; unfortunately, it’s also a city full of douchebags.
12. Chicago – The 2nd City, Full of Douchebags
Another city with a big inferiority complex. Chicago is a wonderful city, but it’s not New York or Los Angeles. People who live in Chicago are in denial and will often say its better, which okay, if you want to live in the center of the country with six month winters I agree, it’s great. Douchebags in Chicago are guys walking around; carrying an extra twenty pounds of beer and sausage, pretending their allegiance to the Chicago Bears is a good thing. It’s not and it’s concerning.
Milwaukee isn’t better, but they are smaller so they are getting lumped in with Chicago. The whole sprawling suburban area from southern Wisconsin through Chicago is full of douche bags with guys getting girls way too hot for them only because there are no other options. Want to really show you got game? Move to a coast Chicago bros and stop hiding behind several feet of snow.
11. Los Angeles – Phony Douchebags
We all know the stereotype L.A. douchebag, but we really need to specify here. Let’s focus on the super tan Anaheim douche bags here. What you have here are suburban brats that go south to pretend to surf, smoke lots of weed (soon to be legal) and love No Doubt! The latter is enough to hate on (and don’t pretend you own all the albums), but this group is not only a bunch of phonies, but also a group that looks down on others. They pretend to wish they were born in Santa Monica, but secretly love their charmed life.
What makes this group worse is their fake slang and accent described as “Keanu.” Listen douchebags, you are not part of Point Break and are not real surf punks. You are lucky suburbanites that are bored, not a reason to act like dicks. Just be cool, that’s the real California way…
10. Las Vegas – Local D-bags Rule
Local Vegas douchebags are the worst, but I’m putting them lower one the list because I’m guessing it’s not their initial choice to live here. It’s a desert with no beach for hundreds of miles. I mean seriously, who would want to live in Las Vegas? A city where you are surrounded by constant temptation, I almost don’t blame those that fall into a world of strip joints and gambling. You have very little chance of not falling into this.
Where it goes too far is the clash between local douchebags and visitors. Hey, some of us are just trying to enjoy our bachelor party; I didn’t know it was your “girl” on stage. Also, don’t be so gung-ho over a college basketball team. We know who the UNLV Runnin’ Rebels are, but we just don’t care, we have more important things to do, like root for professional sports teams.
9. Orlando – Broke, Sad Douchebags
Florida is home to a lot of douche bags, but the more inland you are the worse it gets. Orlando is a perfect place if you are looking for D-bags. Home to Disney, Orlando seems to breed angry guys who work the check cashing place during the day and like to harass tourists at night. For your information, “cruising the strip” with your radio all the way up is okay when you are a teenager, but not okay when you are 25 years of age. It kind of makes you, say it together now, a douchebag.
Orlando douchebags vacation in Fort Lauderdale and think they own the place when they are there. God forbid a tourist tries to have fun around them because that is seen as simply “throw down” time. You know what, I shouldn’t have said what I did about only working at the check cashing place, they also work in the buy gold for cash stores as well.
8. Providence – Little Man Syndrome Douchebags
Maybe it’s the size of Rhode Island, maybe part of the New England attitude, regardless; douche bags in Providence have a major case of arrogance. Just far enough away from everyone, but a world away there is a crazy amount of guys that want to be obnoxious, hit on your girl and aren’t afraid to get into a fight. Providence has a rich history of mafia ties so maybe that’s where the tough guy image comes from; however, it’s not warranted.
Sure, it’s a state capital, but it’s a tiny capital which means anyone’s business is everyone’s business. I keep going back to the New England attitude, a combination of pride and a complex of not being New York. Am I wrong? Maybe, but I do know that they have a lot of douche bags in Providence and if any of them are reading this I’m sure they are looking to throw down.
7. Houston – Angry Douchebags
Houston is a big city with big city problems and I’m not sure anyone outside of Texas cares. That’s a problem, but also leaves the fact that there are a lot of douchebags living here. I mean, I kind of get it. You have a city that is constantly 100 degrees and when it gets that hot, people get angry. Houston is a city that has an infrastructure that allows for a lot of walking underground beating the heat. In theory, this is a good idea to beat the heat; however, you may also be creating angry underground moles.
Douchebags here love their sports, but their teams suck. It’s been years since the Rockets have won and the Astros are always rebuilding. Don’t throw your football team in my face; they used to be the respectable Oilers, but they left and all you could come up with for a new name was the Texans. With so much to be angry about, I’m not surprised by the high volume of douchebags.
6. Detroit – Douchebags With Few Jobs
So I feel like all I need to say is Kid Rock, Eminem and good night everyone, but I guess I need to add a little more to get you riled up. We get it! You are a blue collar city; there is no need to throw it in our faces. You know what? A lot of cities are downtrodden and the auto industry didn’t leave Detroit yesterday. Douchebags in Detroit have lots of tattoos and pretend to be much tougher than any human is based on their city’s depression.
Yes, I am aware that Madonna and KISS are also from Detroit; the latter made a song named Detroit Rock City, so how could we ever forget. Hey Detroit D-bags, you want to know why the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame isn’t in Detroit? My opinion is because they suspect you would burn it down, or worse, no one would show up.
5. Atlanta – Big City, Bright Lights, Annoying Douches
At one point Atlanta was the self-appointed hip hop capital of the world, but then people realized Usher wasn’t all that. Sorry about that, now you are left with an overpopulated city that is really just a very large suburb that assaults people via taxes and new stadiums. Also, Atlanta, or A-town, is not the dirty south, it’s a major metropolis.
The City of Atlanta has a lot of culture, but it’s never in the forefront. Instead, the fair weather fans flock to sporting events (only when their team is winning) and complain about the heat which is strange because you live in Georgia (what did you expect?). Douchebags still swear by Atlanta despite the city essentially being just a group of congested highways with exits and dicks driving over-sized cars. Where are they driving to? I’m assuming from one barbecue to another because that’s all the douchebags talk about.
4. Seattle – Well Employed Douchebags
In a city where you have the mega brands Starbucks, Microsoft and Amazon, it’s not surprising the number of douche bags that reside here. These aren’t your average D-bags though. No, this group believes they are superior. This still do the whole grunge thing which is fine except the fact that anyone else is considered a poser. Superior to corporate America as well as hipsters, they don’t discriminate when it comes to their superiority. New flash Seattle – Kurt Cobain wasn’t even from Seattle and the whole grunge movement is over. Your fifteen minutes has elapsed.
There is something definitely different with the Pacific Northwest, I get that, but hey look at Portland -they know how to handle it. They don’t need to feel self-important. Now go drink you coffee, listen to some rock tunes and work on your resume for one of your tech companies. You deserve it! Stop being a douche bag!
3. Cincinnati – Douchebags with no identity
Stop it with how good your chili is! Okay, that’s not exclusive to douche bags, but I needed to get that off my chest. Cincinnati is unique in that they are Midwest, border Kentucky, and also have a little bit of East Coast superiority for some reason. It’s a bad combination. The end result is a group of individuals that are way too proud and look down on anyone who is not from their town. Hey Cincy, it’s not our fault no one ever leaves your city!
I partly blame their airport. For many connecting flights you have to take a shuttle bus to your plane. It’s like the seventies man. If you have to take a bus to your plane you should be able to just drive right up, but that’s my two cents and also maybe the reason why this city raises so many douche bags. Or it’s the chili, yeah, probably the chili…
2. Philadelphia – Not New York, Not D.C., But All Douchebag
What does a douchebag from Philadelphia try to act like? They think they are Dennis from the TV show It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia when in reality they are Mac. Oh, and it goes without saying they do not look like television stars. Why so many douchebags in this city? It probably comes from a complex of being between New York and Washington D.C.; that can’t help. South Philly is the worst, still holding on to the Rocky scene where he runs through their neighborhood as if that makes them tough.
Douchebags here love to talk about sports even their team’s suck and their only show of support is by attending the games and throwing objects at the opposing teams. This is a city that booed Santa Claus at an Eagles game; they are clearly the worst. Want to have some fun? Remind them that their greatest historic site (Liberty Bell) is cracked, it will drive them mad!
1. Boston – Welcome To A Douchebag’s Paradise
If you didn’t grown up in the Boston area or go to school there forget about it, you are not one of them. When I say “them,” I mean douche bags because most of the city is made of this type. Should we start with the accent? Yes, let’s start there – it’s awful and makes no sense. Should you cross a local Bostonian, expect a fight, for as educated as a city as it is, it’s amazing this is the only way they know how to debate.
Douchebags in Boston live and die by their baseball team (healthy, right?) and love to take about the construction project known as the “big dig” which has been completed for years. Boston is a diverse city with plenty of Italian and Irish, but it doesn’t matter because the majority is made up of douche bags that love to complain about their great historic city.