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15 Things Women Do When They’re Alone

Shocking

As a woman, I can tell you – with no hesitation whatsoever – that we are definitely not the version you men have built up in your heads. In fact, we are faaaaaar from it! Although we usually appear to be delicate, beautiful, and sometimes wild flowers, we can (no, do) have our gross, who-the-hell-are-you, monstrous moments; and we are not ashamed of it! Though this isn’t on this list, yes, we do fart. I know that the opposite sex prefer to think of our booty-holes as mere decorative body parts, but I am sorry boys, they are not.

In my opinion, being a woman is pretty damn difficult. We have to play so many parts – the daughter, the sister, the friend, the colleague, the feminist, the girlfriend, the wouldn’t-she-be-an-amazing-wife, the wife, the mother, the therapist, the nurse, the chef, and finally (and I don’t know why this usually comes last on our list) ourselves. Although no two women are alike, I am sure that this list of activities women indulge in in their alone time is universally shared and agreed upon.

I would love to discuss every single persona. However, today, I am going to reveal to you the things women do when they can FINALLY be themselves; and when does this rare occasion happen? When they are all alone, of course.

I know you are curious, stop acting like you don’t care. Scroll along and enjoy some of our dirty little secrets.

15. Dancing in the Dark

Women love to dance, whenever and wherever we may be. However, our favorite place to dance in is our room where there is no one to judge our super dorky yet cool dance moves. We twirl, twerk, tango – the three T’s to a great and fun at home workout. Dancing is just so freeing! Speaking of freedom, we also, a little more than once in a while, completely set ourselves free by dancing in the nude. Do not ask me why or for what purpose; what can I say? Us women just like to see our bodies werk. I guess we can call it practice for when we find ourselves in the midst of an audience; and we really get into it too!

14. Beyoncé Moment

What is dancing without music?! Singing at the top our lungs is on our top five favorite things to do for sure! A little karaoke has never hurt nobody, right? YES! Of course, to sound our very best, we look for a room with perfect acoustics. I know that you already have an idea which room that is – the bathroom. If you have been wondering why we take 872336473 million hours in the shower, it is most likely because we are having a private concert and/or recording our debut album. Women will always and forever find ways to release their inner diva. So, get with the program guys!

13. Freelance Model

Good lighting, a killer angle, a great hair day, sharp winged-liner, clear skin, and a bangin’ outfit of the day is all we really need to motivate us to get our phone cameras out and take a zillion selfies (yes, that is all) – and might I add that out of the zillion pictures we take, only one or two will make it to Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, etc. Every woman wants to feel beautiful. It is not that we are vein, it is just taking pictures of ourselves at our best makes us feel Cosmopolitan worthy. Of course, every now and then, we would also like to feel Maxim worthy, and that is when the booty pictures come out!

12. Table For Two For One

One of our favorite activities to do when we are alone is eating. We will eat anything and everything in sight! Those random ingredients that have been sitting in our refrigerators really bring out our creativity. We will seriously pair up and mix the weirdest things you can think of, and man will it taste so amazing that it might just inspire us to write our very own cook book. French fries with ice-cream? Lay’s chips in a sandwich? Peanut butter on anything? A bored woman probably came up with that. Do not let our “I’ll have a salad,” first-date-phase fool you; we are beasts, and we can probably eat as much – if not more – than you men can. Just wait and see!

11. Guilty Pleasure

If binge-watching was to be turned into a competition, believe me, a woman would take first all the way through tenth place. We have no problem whatsoever in staying in our pajamas, laying down on a couch, and watching crappy reality TV shows for hours and hours – as a matter of fact, we LOVE it! We will have our eyes on a television no matter what we are doing. Women are definitely outstanding multi-taskers. Feeding our guilty pleasures alone is something holy to us. Also, even though no one wants to admit it, we will, forever and ever, keep up with the Kardashians.

10. I Didn’t Wake Up Like This

A single woman living alone will look the worst she ever will in her lifetime. Our most valued luxury of having a house all to ourselves is being able to wake up and not care about our appearance and not feel the need to brush our teeth or wash our faces. Disgusting? Yes, we know. Do we care? Nope, no one is around to judge us anyways. I have personally gone days without the words “shower” and “shaving” entering my brain. Lock a woman up in a house alone for one month and what will you get? Bigfoot. So guys, please try to appreciate the hard work your significant other puts just to look good for you, because if we could just bum-out, we would do it for life.

9. YouTube Besties

Every single woman has a YouTube bestie (the relationship is of course one way, but honestly, we do not care). My YouTube soulmate is definitely Jaclyn Hill, I have literally seen every single uploaded video by her at least twice, and I buy every single product she mentions (she’s a make-up guru). I have stayed up late at night just waiting for her to finish uploading a new video, and I feel like she understands me more than a number of my friends. I am probably sounding like a loner to you guys, but this is the only way I can express how seriously we take our YouTube friends and I know I am not alone (hopefully).

8. The Monologue 

I know that everyone talks to themselves; it is completely normal and is actually good for your mental health! I do not know if men do this too, but women love sitting alone with their thoughts and looking back at past conversations – especially arguments – and acting out the scenario in their heads. We do tweak the dialogue a little bit (women always want to be right) and come up with better comebacks. Afterwards, we beat ourselves up about not responding the way we should have, then we convert that upsetting feeling into anger toward the poor victim. On behalf of all women, I am sorry we’re so complicated.

7. Wine Hogger

Wine, wine, and more wine please! I swear, if women could brush their teeth with wine they would. Aside from the benefits of drinking this heaven-sent fermented grape juice – such as reducing heart-attack risks, lowering risks of heart disease, slowing brain decline, and many others – we love wine because it is simply happiness in a bottle. Food and wine – heaven. A bath and wine – heaven. Gossip and wine – heaven. Wine and wine – heaven! This wonderful alcoholic beverage is just the perfect pair to just about anything. When life gets rough, our answer is to reach for that glass, pour in our best-bud, and tune the world out.

6. Sherlock Holmes

F.B.I – Females, (the) Best Investigators, that is just the truth. Although we owe 50 percent to our intuition, does not mean we do not put in work. Ask us about anything technical and we will not have the answer, but add in passion and self-interest, and we will turn into the smartest beings in the world. We hold the key points to stalking 101 and the ability to finding your deepest and darkest secrets. Being a woman, I myself do not understand why we have the urge to dig and dig and dig until we find dirt; I guess it’s just in our DNA. My advice is to just be honest with us, because we will find out the truth whether we want to or not (sigh).

5. PIN!

From outfit inspirations, D.I.Y.’s, cooking recipes, travel plans, to planning out our entire wedding, we rely on Pinterest. Here is a confession: I spend at least 25 percent of my time at work just browsing the website (I hope my boss doesn’t read this) – but that’s just me because I am a huge procrastinator. The thing about Pinterest is once you start pinning, there is no going back; which is horrible for someone like me.

Tip: If you want to buy a gift for your girlfriend and you are feeling confused and overwhelmed, just check out her pins and I am sure you will find the perfect present to get her. You are welcome.

4. Dude, Where Are My Tweezers?

We will pluck and pluck until there is no hair left in sight. Women are OBSESSED with having smooth and flawless looking skin (just take a look at all the money we don’t need to be spending on skin products. Damn you, flawless celebrity on the cover of Vogue). Having even the tiniest hint of hair about to flourish brings us a little anxiety. Another reason why we’re so attached to our tweezers is because it is just so satisfying to pull hair out. I know it sounds weird, but there is just something about tweezing that brings us inner joy – especially those stubborn ingrown hairs, right ladies?

3. The Fondler

We love boobs too! What is not to love? They’re soft, squishy, and bouncy – sounds like a fun pastime to me. I am not even talking about playing with our babies in a sexual manner; I am talking about just fondling them for pure innocent fun. Keyword: innocent. So yes, when we are alone, we will not pass up the opportunity to squeeze our fun-bags. If you think about it, it is actually a good thing. Women should familiarize themselves with their own breasts, plus, science says that frequent breast massages actually help fight cancer! So massage along ladies, massage along.

2. Time Traveler 

If you have ever dated a woman, I am sure you will agree with me when I say that the “when” part of the four W’s is not really relevant to us when it comes to proving a point. We have the mind of an elephant; we seriously NEVER forget. Called me fat ten years ago? I will bring it up. Lied to me about the color of your socks? I will use it against you, but do not worry, we use this super power against ourselves when we are alone as well. We’ll go back to five and a half years ago when we had perfect hair, we’ll reminisce on the times when our fit-life was on point. I guess life just isn’t complicated enough for us :)

1. Search The Web For “Things Guys Do When They’re Alone”

Finally, just like what you are doing right now, during our alone time, we will use the internet as our very own personal adviser/investigator/secret-spiller and we promise that we will not leave a mystery unsolved. Our innate curiosity makes us human, and aside from pizza, there is nothing more a woman enjoys than exploring and finding out about the dirty and disgusting secrets of the opposite sex. Okay, we don’t just focus on the bad, we also like to gain knowledge of your good side, what you like, what you don’t like – everything really. Come to think of it, numerous activities on this list are internet-based; what would we do without it?

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