If there is one thing that I have learned from studying all these wacky panties, it is that people be crazy. I am glad that there is something for everyone (and I mean everyone), but to tell you the truth, it also kind of creeps me the hell out. We all know about your typical, run-of-the-mill panties you could find at any sex shop down the street, like crotchless panties, edible panties, etc. But aside from that sort of thing, there are some seriously weird undergarments for sale out there.
Some are not creepy at all, but amusing, like a gag gift. Some are political. Some have a purpose other than style or comfort. Some are for fetishes. Some represent your favorite things in life, such as the panties with a ham sandwich on them. Weird, right? I mean, I knew people were freaks, but just wait until Numero Uno on this list, and trust me, you will be scrunching up your nose and asking yourself, W. T. F.?
So, life lesson learned. There is duality in all things, and by that I mean this list is a compilation of the good and the bad in terms of panties. It is good, for instance, that we have so many options and that there are products for literally anything you could want, ever (panties with Bible scripture, anyone?). But the bad news is that many of our fellow human beings walking around on this planet are just plain disturbing. Mostly I am talking about Numero Uno again, because I can at least grasp the idea behind all the other ones; yes, even the so-called “poop panties.”
Please, read on, and embrace my wealth of information on bizarre panties you can actually buy (but really shouldn’t). Some of these 15 pairs of panties are worse than others, but when all is said and done, they all deserve their place here for one reason or another. Just be glad I did not focus on men’s “panties,” because things would be getting even weirder, I promise you.
15. The Period Panties
Remember the iconic moment in Stephen King’s and Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining when the little twin girls start saying “redrum?” It is one of the most well-known and creepy moments in film. “Redrum” is “murder” spelled backwards, and now it has a completely new significance in popular culture in the form of period panties. A company called Sourpuss Clothing has fashioned its own version of the newly-popular period panties, and their’s features this creepy (but fitting) saying on the panties, along with some also-fitting imagery of blood and those twins. And axes and monsters and more blood. It is hard not to find this amusing, and you can own a pair for the low, low price of $12.00. They come in sizes small through 3XL. Period panties (also known as menstrual underwear) are made of microfiber polyester, a combination of nylon and lycra, and a liquid repellent finish. Hmm, interesting to learn the science behind this latest fad in underwear.
14. Ham Sandwich Sparkle Lace Panties
Who would have ever thought to combine a ham sandwich (or any sandwich) and a sparkly pink lace thong? The only answer I can come up with to that question is a person who has a passionate love for both sandwiches and thongs (I am picturing Joey from Friends here, natch). And while I have always had a certain respect for Etsy, ever since learning of their Jeffrey Dahmer jewelry, and now their ham sandwich thongs, I am beginning to wonder. I guess the bright side of this very weird item of clothing by Etsy is that there truly is something for everyone on this earth. And if there isn’t, you can surely make whatever it is you want.
The webpage for these lovely panties advertises that not only do they look great (trying not to laugh), but they also feel great on your “ladybits” all day long. They also promise to make these organic cotton panties to order so that when they are shipped to you, they have never been worn. Gee, thanks…
13. Literal Granny Panties
You can now buy panties with pictures of the Golden Girls on them. There are several variations of this panty. I must admit, I do like the lace detail and how the panties have a vintage feel to them. But old ladies’ faces (make that anyone’s face) on my underwear? No, thanks. Also on Etsy, these creative panties were designed by Candice Pugh of Salt Lake City, Utah. Considering Utah is known for being very Mormon, it is kind of funny that the idea for panties of any kind originated there. But they did, and now they are (kind of) all the rage.
There are four designs of panties, each featuring one of the Golden Girls, themselves. Each design is fashioned after its designated ladie’s personality. For example, Dorothy’s design is black for her dark sense of humor, and Rose’s is innocent and white. Sophia’s is sensible because of its support top, and Blanche’s is flashy.
12. Chastity Belt Panties
There are an astonishing (and I mean astonishing) number of chastity belt panties available for purchase on the internet. This is something that had never even crossed my mind until now, but apparently, it is a thing. They even have ones for men! Some people wear them as fetish items, I have learned, while others actually take advantage of the medieval contraption’s original intent: to prevent masturbation or sexual intercourse. Its purpose was to protect women from rape and their own temptations during the Crusades. In more modern times, the use of the chastity belt as a regular practice in other countries has made headlines several times in recent years, like in 2007 in the Indian state of Rajasthan. One new product in America are these anti-rape panties (pictured above), but people criticize the fact that it is yet another product of society that teaches women to avoid being raped, rather than teaching men to not rape. But mainly any chastity belt panties for sale today are used for the purpose of BDSM.
11. Pussycat Panties
And I am talking about the cat-type, let’s be clear. Clever, isn’t it? As a cat lover myself, I find these underwear creations kind of cute, although I hesitate to say I would actually wear them (or pay for them). I mean, what is the point unless your lover is also a lover of cats, right? But there is something to be said for feeling cute in your panties, so maybe I am wrong.
There are a ton of colors and cats to choose from, as you can see, and this style of panty is not pricey in the least; I have seen them for as low as $2.78. That is a steal! I am not quite sure what the designers are trying to say with the whole kitty peeking out of the hole in the undies style (ok, I am), but to each their own. That is the true message here, I think; to each their own. How else can you explain some of these choices of undergarment, anyway?
10. Poop & Skid-Mark Panties
There is nothing sexier than donning a cute little pair of panties with a cute little pile of poo on them! No, I lied; everything is sexier, especially when you throw in the fact that some very real-looking skid-marks are in the perfect spot on the back. The panties themselves are form-fitting, comfy-looking, and all-around neutral in every way, made of white cotton with a little trim of lace at the top. But they had to go and ruin it with the poop emoji and the lifelike skid marks. I am not gonna lie; I use the poop emoji all the time in my everyday life, because I happen to live with boys who think there is nothing funnier than poop, farts, and butts. But that does not mean they want to see it on their girl’s undies, and be reminded of it when they said undies.
Boys like to joke around about poop, but when it comes to intimacy, it is a no-no. Yet still, this is a thing. This product, for example, came from a place aptly called Poop Fashion. These skid-marked panties go for a shocking $24.95, leaving me all like, hell no! Anything not from a high-end lingerie store, say Victoria’s Secret, will not be getting my almost-$30.00 for one pair of panties, much less purposely skid-marked ones. Just, no.
9. Biblical Quote Panties
These are actually pretty funny. Biblical quotes can be found everywhere these days, with so many customizable products for sale. Even without customization, little knickknacks with scripture at places like Hallmark are a dime dozen. But on panties? Really?
Usually when one thinks of panties/lingerie, they think of sin before they think of the Lord. Then again, the very religious among us may think of God first, if he or she is “saving” themselves. Either way, whether you think of angelic or devilish behavior when you see lingerie, these panties could be for you. They are somewhat mocking the Bible, but they are also quoting it (and seemingly accurately).
I am thinking, based on experience, that these particular panties could be easily found in China; my extensive Chinese shopping know-how would lead me to believe that. The endless awful products of every sort donning equally awful English and imagery (such as this umbrella that has nothing to do with the scripture) would not be hard to find. These undies are the epitome of what you would find shopping anywhere in China, the workshop of the world.
8. Politician “Blood Dumpster” Panties
According to dailydot.com, a “blood dumpster” is defined as “A politician who has tried in the past or who is currently trying to pass legislation that hinders women’s reproductive rights, and in doing so has had their face wind up in the crotch of a pair of Bloody Marys Period Panties.” Lol.
I think the title pretty much sums up the intent of these interesting panties. There is a whole line of panties with different politicians’ faces right where, well, you know. Made by the company Bloody Marys, these panties also use the highly-absorbent, anti-bacterial, leak-proof fabric as other period panties, but now they also give you a target: the politician you hate most! You can choose from nine politicians (all meticulously chosen for their views on reproductive rights), and that’s not all; these panties even include a snap-in heating pad to soothe painful cramps.
No matter who you choose, your purchase will generate an automatic $3.00 donation to Planned Parenthood in the state associated with the politician you select. Trump, especially, has created more than a few enemies in women with his phrases like, “She had blood coming out of her wherever”, referring to Fox News anchor Megyn Kelley.
7. Anatomy Lesson Panties
Sexy, aren’t they? Because I know that when I am ready to “go to bed” for the night, I really want to get him in the mood with thoughts of reproducing, ovulating, conceiving, all that jazz. On the other hand, if he is in the mood for a little education on the female anatomy, these are perfect (let’s hope he does not need a lesson, though).
The tan background and surprisingly accurate, life-sized diagram of what is happening just underneath the panties and the skin right there, would be a huge turnoff to me if I were a man. But I am not, so what do I know? And again, maybe the women who wear these either do not care, actually like the look of these, or (most probably), they are just super comfy. They look like it. But sorry, unless you are into the whole student-teacher thing (and unless she has a pencil skirt and stilettos), this is one lesson best left out of the bedroom.
6. Invisible Panties
I used to think that no panty could get tinier than those G-string thongs, but I was wrong! These barely-there (and I mean barely) would definitely be nice for a super tight skirt or dress, ensuring no panty lines. Although, they do not look very comfortable… like, at all. It is basically little straps attached to a pad-like thing, and they look like the kind of menstrual contraption my mother describes having to wear as a teenager back in the 1970’s. No, thanks. Even if I were a dude who was all about the whole “less is more” concept, I would think this looks more like a sanitary napkin attached to see-through bra straps than it does a pair of panties. And my first thought would not be that it looks good, that’s for sure.
These panties are advertised as ticking all three essential boxes of intimate wear: invisible, comfortable, and sexy. Yeah, I am going to have to go ahead and disagree with two of those three “boxes.” This latest in panty fashion trends first hit the shelves in 2013.
5. “Fuzzy” Panties
This is so attractive that I’ll bet it is all he needs to see before doing the deed. A big old bush is what every guy wants these days, am I right? Of course, it is not always just about what men want in bed, so naturally the ladies must love their panties, too. So I am pretty sure any ladies buying these have either the worst fashion sense or the strangest sense of humor on the face of the earth. The dudes probably buy it as a gag gift. Luckily, this pair of panties is intended to be a gag gift, although I am sure there are some weirdos out there who buy them with no intention of using them that way. As I always say, whatever floats your boat.
For $9.75, you can buy these “Furkin Merkin” cotton undies with a faux fur, inverted triangle patch sewn onto the front from Mommy Frou Frou’s. Cute. At least the seller has a sense of humor, and writes in the description, “Not intended for bridal lingerie!” No sh*t.
4. Glow-In-The-Dark Panties
I love glow-in-the-dark stuff just as much as the next person, but this lingerie is like fairies on acid. Look at how bright that is! The “bright” side is, the light it gives off can double as a sort of flashlight, should your man need some help down there. Maybe the original idea came from people tripping on shrooms or something, but for everyday intimate attire? Not my thing; it is a little over-the-top, if you ask me.
LuminoGlow is the glow-in-the-dark lingerie line that makes these illuminating glow lace panties (that is a weird phrase). They make seven different designs, and advertise them as a way to spice things up in the bedroom. Did you know that even Victoria’s Secret makes phosphorescent intimate apparel? I sure didn’t. Maybe I am behind the times or something, but I have never thought of glow-in-the-dark anything as “elegant” or “sexy.” I have only ever thought of it in terms of those little sticky stars I put on my ceiling when I was a kid. I guess I need to get with the program. And get a black light.
3. Used Panties
Thanks largely to Orange is the New Black, we now know that there are perverts out there willing to pay for any kind of underwear they can get their hands on. And they will pay substantially. My question has always been, however, how they know they are really getting the product they ordered. For example, on OITNB, customers will order used panties from a Latina inmate, or an Asian one, or whatever does it for them. But how are they sure that is what they are getting? It is not like they can file a complaint or return it!
One company, called Sofia Gray, allows women to sell their used panties anonymously, and customers to specify what they want. One woman was paid $5,000 for wearing one pair for three weeks! It is an anonymous process, but one that pays well, and in the end, both sides get what they want. The pervs receive worn panties, and the women get paid, not ever having to see or speak to said perv (although it would kind of weird me out to know that someone was out there sniffing my panties…).
2. Two-Person “Fundies”
As their name would suggest, these very special underwear are made for two, and are “fun.” I myself wouldn’t go that far. They look more tedious (and dangerous) than fun, but what do I know? For less than $1.00, you can buy a pair on Ebay and decide for yourself.
Made of spandex, they are “one size fits most,” and have four leg holes. The contraption is very simple but makes you and your partner look more like conjoined twins than lovers, which is creepy. I am really not even sure how the logistics of this would work, if one did indeed intend to use this product (which is labeled “sexy”) for sexy purposes.
The seller (whose use of the English language leads me to believe is foreign, most likely of the Asian persuasion), advertises that “a little smell is normal, hang it out after wash several times, the smell will disappear.” That is some good advice. And gross imagery that will probably not yield a lot of sales. But if that is your thing, head on over to Ebay and get your own pair for dirt cheap. Maybe I am wrong and it will be worth it.
1. Baby Roleplay Panties
So I inadvertently stumbled upon a whole subculture I did not even know existed. I suppose I should have been less naïve and realize that everything exists. Silly me. But what I learned is that there are people out there who role-play being babies, as in they wear diapers and plastic pants and the whole shebang, and they get off on it!
This person has an entire collection of diaper covers, as you can see above. But it is not only the actual diapers and plastic covers; these people and their fellow “babies” have a language all their own, with acronyms meaning this and that, and references to whatever it is they do. It is actually quite fascinating. Buying adult diapers (and not the kind for your ailing grandmother) is apparently almost commonplace judging by how much of it I found online, and is therefore a piece of cake to do. Just Google “adult baby panties” and voila! Thousands of choices at your fingertip. I am just hoping this is not the next thing that starts out as taboo, but soon will have us all desensitized to it and won’t even seem that weird, like all that stuff from 50 Shades of Grey. Fingers crossed.