Is revenge a dish best served cold? Sure. But the more garnished the dish is with creative rage and bloody décor, the better it is for the server. So here we bring you epic tales of revenge – some funny, some bloody – but all terribly ironic and well cooked in the kitchen of seething rage and unjust enterprise.
Not all of these people who gave revenge a hilarious name were in positions of power. Some of them had to bide their time and wait for an opportune moment to present itself, some made their money or position or even profession work for them while some used plain and simple but no less creative intellect. None of these revenge stories are petty – rather, they carry with them flair and a tit-for-tat theme that may be bloody, but still has panache. These are not ordinary stories of people getting even with cheating partners, or conmen getting what they truly deserve. These stories do not exemplify what the Bible says, “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place to wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.”
The wrath and the rage inside these stories and these servers of revenge were too great to have waited for the Lord to do his thing. For many of them, revenge was the perpetrators of murder and atrocities getting their just desserts. Read and enjoy the article, and remember, in the words of J.P. Donleavy, “Revenge is what I want. Nothing but pure unadulterated revenge. But my mother brought me up to be a lady.”
15. When Michael Mocked Michael: The Small D*ck Trick
So if you don’t like someone, there’s not much you can do about it, especially if that person is in a position of power. That is, unless you are a writer named Michael Crichton.
Frankly, writers have always been in a rather wily position where they are free to use their swords, okay pens, to wield a tale as they wish. So sometimes, miffed writers also use their weapons of choice and weave in despicable characters in their tales, modeled on the people who have p*ssed them off in real life. Case in question, when journalist and critic Michael Crowley gave a less than positive review of Crichton’s novel State of Fear, Crichton decided to get his own back. In his next novel, titled Next, he weaved in a child rapist character with a really small penis named Mick Crowley, who, like his namesake, was also a Yale graduate and a political journo.
14. Don’t Mess With The Real Count Of Monte Cristo: Pierre Picaud
We’ve all read the rather swashbuckling account of The Count of Monte Cristo – who turned out to be an honorable man who got his just giving, in a good way, in the end. The actual tale, the inspiration behind Alexander Dumas’s tale of the fictitious Count, is slightly, well, more gory! A 19th century shoemaker, Pierre Picaud, became engaged to a wealthy heiress and this put his “friends” in a jealous rage. Yep, we know, with friends like these and all that…
So anyhow, Pierre was soon locked up on false charges of being a spy – orchestrated of course, by his “friends.” He was imprisoned in the Fenestrelle fortress for seven long years during which his initial horror had given way to festering rage and a need for bloodthirsty revenge. There he was befriended by rich Italian priest Father Torri, and was bequeathed rich treasure upon his passing. Released soon after, Picaud took his revenge on the trio who betrayed him – Loupian, Solari, and Chaubart – by murdering them all. A fourth friend allegedly murdered Picaud then, for if you live by the sword, you die by it, too!
13. My Tribe, My People: Judd Apatow Gives NBC A Very Eloquent Finger
Judd Apatow is an American film producer, writer, director, actor, and comedian, better known for making the most successful comedies of the last decade or so – think Anchorman, Knocked Up, Superbad, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and much more.
Long before his success though, he worked on an NBC show called Freaks and Geeks that still enjoys a cult following, though it was originally canceled after just 12 episodes. Apatow was not blamed for the ratings, but his choice of cast was. NBC executives told Apatow that the people he had cast for the show were just not what a comedy cast should be like. That hurt. I mean, that hurt Judd Apatow, and he went about proving how wrong the NBC f*ck ups were. And how did he do that? By sticking to the same crew from Freaks and Geeks for all his successful movies to come. Who are we talking about? The same actors, writers, and directors: Seth Rogen, Jason Segel, Paul Feig, James Franco, and Jason Schwartzman. Booyah!
12. The Perfectly Preserved Petrified Man: Thumbed His Nose At The World
In the mid-1800s, a man named Samuel Clemens took up a job at the Territorial Enterprise Newspaper after having failed to make his dream job – that of a miner. The man wrote a report about a petrified figure discovered holding his hands in a gesture of ridicule. The man in charge of this perfectly preserved body and the site was a certain Judge Sowell, with whom Samuel Clemens had had a falling out.
No one ever tried to prove the veracity of the article, and many a media house and newspapers reprinted the same. Each newspaper that carried this report was lovingly bought and earmarked by Clemens, and for many months Judge Sowell received a bushel of these papers everyday, which he then buried in his backyard. Samuel Clemens had planned all this for a lark, thinking that if nothing else, people would figure out that it was a hoax by the so-called petrified man’s ridiculing and ridiculous posture. No one did and the witty young Clemens later adopted the pen name Mark Twain. We kid you not…
11. Django Unchained Or Just Unchained Alec: You Whipped Me, I Killed You!
Okay so no, Tarantino does not really need inspiration when it comes to making his god-awfully creative movies filled with creative violence. That said, there is a remarkable similarity between a certain Django and a man named Alec Turner. We go back to the mid-1800s for this at the Gouldin tobacco plantation in Virgina where the owner’s granddaughter taught a 5-year-old Alec Turner (a slave) to read and write in secret. The secret was out, and whereas the lily white Zephie got a scolding, poor little black boy Alec Turner was whipped, by the overseer.
The Civil War broke out, and teenage Alec escaped, becoming an armed soldier for the Army of Potomac. Armed with a gun, a uniform, and a posse, Alec went back to the plantation and made mincemeat out of that overseer by shooting him, warning him first “This is me! This is Alec! I’m going to shoot you!” When the war finished, Alec moved to Maine and bought a 150-acre farm he called “Journey’s End.” Daisy Turner was one of his sixteen children.
10. Byron Brings A Bear: No Dogs Allowed In Poetic Justice
Quite the looker and the ladies man, Byron, or rather, Lord Byron, was one successful poet who made a fortune off his work and lived life equally lavishly. Though he was a huge lover of women, he was also a huge animal lover, albeit in different meanings of the word.
Byron loved his pets and often kept exotic ones such as monkeys, foxes, peacocks, crocodiles, and badgers along with numerous socially acceptable dogs and horses. His favorite was a Newfoundland dog named Boatswain, who now has a giant marble monument at Newstead Abbey next to Byron’s, inscribed with “Epitaph to a Dog.”
While attending the Cambridge Trinity College, Byron got to hear the word “no” a lot when he wanted to bring Boatswain along with him, because the rules explicitly stated: “no dogs allowed.” Byron being Byron, he found a loophole here too – the rule was for dogs, but no other animals were “not allowed.” So Byron brought a bear. Since the university had no rules against bears, the beloved Goliath was allowed to stay on campus for as long as Byron stayed. Apparently, they had to grin and bear it!
9. Turncoat? You Deserve to Be “Buried”: What Meigs Thought About Lee
The American Civil War was a long and bloody one indeed, and at the time, Montgomery Cunningham Meigs was the Quartermaster General of the US Army and was an unwavering patriot. While he had once served under Robert E. Lee, Lee was now the Commander of the Confederate Army and according to Meigs, deserved to be shot down along with the Confederate President Jefferson Davis.
So no, Meigs did not shoot Lee or Davis – but his revenge was a bittersweet and aptly fitting one indeed. The casualties of the civil war gave rise to a need for a new military cemetery. Meigs decided on a lovely spot that just happened to be Lee’s former house, or rather his wife’s house, who was a descendant of Martha Washington, and made it, well, uninhabitable.
When Lee came to visit, he was shocked to discover that his house, Arlington House, was now the famous 624-acre Arlington cemetery. Meigs himself was buried there, along with his father, wife, and son.
8. They Killed You, Now They Kiss Your Corpse: Prince Peter of Portugal
In 14th century Portugal, Prince Peter I carried on a rather torrid love affair with aristocrat Ines de Castro, though he was already married to Constanza, the daughter of a powerful ally. Peter’s father, King Afonso IV, took it all with a pinch of salt, until Constanza died in 1345. Fearing repercussions, Afonso forbade Peter from seeing Ines and bade him to behave like a grieving husband. Peter and Ines disobeyed and left with no recourse, Afonso ordered Ines’ assassination – three men captured her and killed her at the Santa Clara-e-Velha monastery. Peter revolted but was defeated within a year, upon which he begged for forgiveness and feigned forgiveness himself.
When Afonso died the next year, Peter became king. He had the assassins executed and then declared that he had married Ines before her death, making her a posthumous Queen consort. Her body was exhumed and placed on the throne for the courtiers to kiss her hand, before being moved to a beautiful mausoleum in the palace.
7. “This Will Not Work”: Famous Words That Inspired Animators
For some reason no one at Warner Brothers ever understood, Eddie Selzer was the head of Warner Brothers Cartoons from 1944 until 1957. And everyone there relied on his judgment, or rather his lack of one. Whenever Eddie would oppose something or negate an idea, it became a sure shot for success.
The first time this came to light is when he clashed with the animators Friz Freleng and Chuck Jones in 1947 when the new character of Sylvester the Cat was being paired with another newcomer — Tweety. Selzer thought Tweety lacked chops and preferred a woodpecker because they are “funnier.” Freleng won and that resulted in the studio’s most popular pairing and also Tweetie Pie, a cartoon that won Warner its first Oscar for Best Animated Short Film! So animators had their new mantra: Do exactly the opposite of what Selzer said. As Chuck Jones put it, Selzer’s judgment was “impeccable. He’s never been right yet.”
6. An Exile That Led To A Pope’s “Defamation”: Boniface In Hell
So Pope Boniface VIII isn’t anyone’s favorite Pope, except maybe Hitler or Mussolini. He came to power during a period of strife when two factions, the Guelphs, and the Ghibellines, were feuding over the Pope being supreme or the Holy Roman Emperor. Yep, this was a long, long, long time ago. That said, Pope here was obviously one of the Guelphs, who were further divided between Black and White factions. Boniface VIII was a Black Guelphs, who won, upon which he started taking revenge against the White Guelphs.
Dante Alighieri was one of the White Guelphs, who was exiled from his native Florence and that made him see red. With free time on his hand, Dante spent it by creating the most famous Italian literary work ever, The Divine Comedy which details Dante’s travels through purgatory and heaven. And we all know of Dante’s Inferno with its colorful depiction of the nine circles of hell. Dante got his own back on Boniface by placing him in the eighth circle of hell; guilty of simony, which is the act of selling church roles and offices! Considering Boniface was still alive, Dante simply said that he foresaw Boniface’s eventual damnation. Now Dante’s Inferno is all Boniface is known for, rather than his papal duties.
5. Hell Hath No Fury As A Woman Shafted: Queen Boudicca
When King Prasutagus of the Iceni Celtic tribe of first century AD Wales died, his will of letting his Queen rule was ignored. Instead, they annexed her territories and then for further entertainment, Queen Boudicca and her daughters were tortured, lashed, and then raped by Roman soldiers – to teach women their place, underneath powerful men.
Queen Boudicca was not broken. In fact, she seethed, and in AD 60/61, she revolted – rampaging through Roman-ruled Britain and ransacking town after town in revenge. Camulodunum (modern-day Colchester), Londinium (present-day London) and Verulamium (now St. Albans) all fell under the Iceni tribes attack and it is believed that Boudicca managed to kill 80,000 Romans and British. Finally, the Roman Governor, Gaius Suetonius Paulinus, defeated Boudicca and her soldiers at the Battle of Watling Street. The Celtic Queen either committed suicide to avoid capture or died of an illness and was given a lavish burial. Historians are unaware of what happened to her daughters.
4. The Wrath Of Genghis Khan: No Peace? Then I Shall Unleash Destruction
So most historians and even normal people would agree that Genghis Khan was not a particularly nice guy. Once upon a time, Genghis here wanted to trade with the Khwarezmid Empire (modern day Turkey) and so sent a peace convoy to the ruler Ala ad-Din Muhammad bearing a message stating: “I am master of the lands of the rising sun while you rule those of the setting sun. Let us conclude a firm treaty of friendship and peace.”
Unfortunately for Khwarezmia, Genghis’ peace caravan was massacred. So Genghis here did what any ruler would do – he attacked. And then he did what no others do, he had molten silver poured into the eyes and mouth of the official who had ordered the murder of his caravan and then began the Mongol invasion of Khwarezmia (modern-day Turkey) between 1219 and 1221 that involved the murder of up to 4 million civilians. Khan led a 200,000-strong Mongol force into Khwarezmia, killing 1 million soldiers and another 3 million civilians, and a number of animals just for fun. The royal ruler of Khwarezmia escaped to the Caspian and died penniless and broken.
3. When A Guitar Cost United Millions: Do Not Underestimate The Power of Music
Never did Dave Carroll think that his fame would come via his guitar, or at least this way.
At an airport, Dave’s guitar was severely damaged. Of course, a co-passenger had already informed him that he had seen United Airlines’ staff throwing guitars during baggage transfer during their connecting flight from Halifax to Nebraska. Dave complained and filed for compensation but was rejected by indifferent airline staff. Not one to give up but, well, musically frustrated, Dave made a hilarious music video called “United Breaks Guitars” and uploaded it on YouTube. The video went viral and United took a knock. The company’s reputation took a solid hit, so much so that its stock price dropped 10%. That’s a whopping $180 million dollars in losses for the shareholders – all for a guitar!
2. No Car For The Indian? Well, Let’s Enjoy Some Royal Revenge
So India is known as the land of the snakes and the maharajahs. And while the snakes of India scrape by an existence pretty much like the snakes of Texas or the Gobi, the maharajahs are in another league altogether. So once, when India was still under British rule, and all Indians were taken as turbaned village idiots, Jai Singh, the Maharajah of Alwar in Rajasthan was walking on the streets of London in plain clothes. He spotted a Rolls Royce showroom and went to the salesman to ask for it. He was dismissed as a poor Indian.
Gracious as Jai Singh was, this was the proverbial straw that broke the royal camel’s back. He went back and bought all the cars in that showroom – seven in total– on the condition that the manager make a personal delivery to his palace in India. The manager was suitably impressed but Jai Singh did not stop there. At his palace, he used those terribly expensive cars as garbage disposal vehicles. Rolls Royce later issued a written apology to him, upon which the cars were withdrawn from their trash collecting jobs! Even so, nobody in the Alwar royalty was allowed to buy a Rolls after this.
1. One P*ssed Off Princess Went On A Spree: Now She’s A Saint
While Russian men are quite fond of their vodka, it’s the Russian women you should run screaming away from. Don’t believe us? Well in 10th century Kiev, Princess Olga was married to Prince Igor – that is till Igor was killed by the neighborhood Drevlians. They then rubbed salt into Olga’s wounds. Thinking that women could not rule, they sent her suitors (after they had offed her husband). Olga clearly was of much higher intellect. She welcomed her “suitors” with boat rides to the castle, so they wouldn’t have to sully their noble feet. When they reached the castle, the suitors were dumped into a giant trench and buried alive.
More of the dense Drevlians came down to help prepare the “wedding.” Olga sent them to a bathhouse, barred the doors, and set the building on fire. An even more idiotic squad of 5000 Drevlian dignitaries came over to attend the funeral. Olga got them drunk and then killed them all.
Tired of this cat and mouse, Olga launched an all-out assault on Iskorosten and then strangely offered a gesture of peace. If all in the city gave her a token tribute of doves, she would cease. The birds were delivered. Olga then had hot coals attached to the birds’ feet with strings and released them for home. Iskorosten burned to the ground and all those who tried to escape were killed or enslaved. She ruled her newly acquired kingdoms until her death in 969, helping spread Russian Orthodoxy. The church later made her a saint. The moral of this story: do not, ever, piss off a Russian princess.