People often say that the most rewarding jobs in life are the ones that always surprise you, and staff working in a hospital emergency ward definitely know a thing or two about surprises. Being in the noble profession of saving lives can bring weird and wonderful cases to your door and emergency or not, these can sometimes be downright ridiculous. When your day starts with open heart surgery and ends with the removal of a foreign object from someone’s rectum, you know there’s never a dull moment in the workplace!
For every patient with a life or death kind of medical situation, there’s guaranteed to be a few kooks in the waiting room and we imagine these are the ones that doctors secretly look forward to the most. Some of the emergencies on this list are quite bizarre and seemingly unexplainable, but for the most part, a lot of these trips to the emergency room come down to one simple factor – stupidity.
Because of the weird but natural curiosity of humans, a lot of these “accidents” happen to be sex related, which is pretty mortifying for the patient, but quite hilarious for us to read about. A medical emergency may be no laughing matter, but some of the excuses patients make for suffering these “accidents” belong in a stand-up comedy routine. Patients forget that doctors know every trick in the book and they’re also the ones prepared to go where no one else dares to. On that gross note, here are 15 of the weirdest trips to the emergency room!
15. A 50cm-Long Eel Stuck In The Rectum
Be warned: this isn’t for the fair-hearted. In a bizarre case, a 50-year-old man from China was rushed to hospital complaining of abdominal pain. It wasn’t until a radiograph was taken of his abdomen that medical staff realized the cause of his pain was a 50 cm eel that had somehow become stuck in the man’s rectum. It took further questioning from doctors for the man to reveal exactly how the eel had got there in the first place. His answer? To relieve his constipation.
If the sensation of having a 50 cm-long eel stuck inside his body wasn’t painful enough for the man, he was also experiencing pain due to the eel biting on the flexure of his colon. Barf. It was later found that the anterior wall of the man’s rectum had a 3 cm perforation. The ER surgeons were able to remove the eel via an emergency laparotomy. For the safety of eels and snakes everywhere, we hope they also introduced the patient to a little thing called laxatives.
14. Arrived Intoxicated (Despite Not Drinking A Drop)
A team of doctors in Texas was astounded when a poor man arrived at their emergency room wasted, insisting that he hadn’t, in fact, drank a single drop of alcohol. The 61-year-old man was given a breathalyzer test which revealed – to his and the staff’s amazement – that he had five times the legal limit of alcohol in his blood! Some doctors initially suspected the man of concealing a struggle with alcohol out of embarrassment, but the truth turned out to be even stranger.
The patient explained to doctors that he would find himself becoming drunk at random times throughout the day (including during church!), so the team monitored him in isolation for 24 hours and what they discovered was astonishing. The man was actually brewing booze in his stomach due to a yeast build-up in his gut. The condition known as Gut Fermentation Syndrome was fermenting the sugars from carbs he ate into ethanol, which his body absorbed and caused him to get smashed after most meals. The docs switched him to a low-carb diet and he can now go to Sunday church without fear of throwing up in the collection plate.
13. Woman Who Swallowed $7,000
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and this lady had to have been royally pissed off with her husband to do this. A news story was published recently about a Colombian woman who ingested $7,000 of her husband’s life savings to spite him for cheating on her. It sounds like an epic revenge story until she started suffering from severe abdominal pains and needed to be rushed to the hospital, where she had them removed.
When the surgeons found bundles of dollar bills in her stomach, they initially thought she could be some kind of drugs mule! The medical staff discovered 57 $100 dollar bills in her stomach alone, and some extra rolls of notes were found in her intestine and colon. The woman had to be desperate to risk her health like this – eating the dollar bills temporarily damaged her intestinal function and could have been life-threatening. She’s since made a full recovery – can’t say the same for the money, though.
12. A Vibrator That Got Stuck For Six Months
Of all the items for surgeons to find stuck in a patient’s body, a sex toy is probably the least surprising. But the sheer amount of time this pleasure tool spent in the body is what makes this such an insane medical case. A report published in an Australian medical journal in 1979 found that a 64-year-old man had a plastic vibrator stuck in his back passage for a total of six months.
What makes this even stranger is that the man apparently embarked on a world trip with the vibrator still inside him. This either suggests that he was blissfully unaware or that he was trying to break some disturbing world record (which I’m certain no one would ever want to compete with him for). In fact, the medical researchers declared that the vibrator was the “most travelled foreign body” inside the rectum. That’s something to tell the grandkids.
11. A Concrete Mix Enema
Yes, this is every bit as painful and screwed up as it sounds. “Enema” and “concrete” are two words no one should ever expect to hear in the same sentence – unless they actually want to have nightmares. In search of new and erotic ways to have anal pleasure, a deranged 27-year-old male willfully injected a liquid adhesive in his rectum using a glue gun. The mixture contained dibenzoyl peroxide, resin, and styrene which quickly hardened and became internally fixed in his anal sphincter. (So sorry if you’re reading this on your lunch hour).
A rectal examination and x-ray revealed the rock solid formation inside the young man’s rectum. Perhaps a brain examination would have also been useful at this point? We hope the man’s pursuit for unconventional methods of pleasure was worth it because surgeons had to make an incision in his lower abdomen to remove the 300-gram mixture (which had made a cast of his rectum). I think I’m gonna hurl.
10. Tripping Over A Pet
We shouldn’t laugh at this notion (especially if it involves an animal getting hurt), but this sounds like the kind of thing you’d see on an old episode of You’ve Been Framed (or a Vine clip if you’re under 20). It sounds pretty simple, right? Try to look where you’re going while you’re walking around the house. Unfortunately, accidents happen and tripping over a beloved pet can actually happen a lot more frequently than you might think.
According to a US study of injuries and emergency room visits between 2001 and 2006, a whopping 86,000 people a year wind up in ER after tripping over their pets. Considering how much more engrossed we’ve become in our phones and electronic gadgets since then, this number has probably doubled (especially in families with teenagers and small dogs). Pet dogs may be getting in your way accidentally, but cats? They’re probably still sore at you for forgetting their favourite tuna the week before.
9. Inserting A Deodorant Canister…Up There
After complaints of abdominal pain, a 23-year-old man was rushed to the emergency department at the Riyadh Care hospital in Saudi Arabia and the reason for his pain was pretty simple to deduct – he had been using a long deodorant aerosol canister as a makeshift dildo. Forgetting about the size of the object for a minute, how desperate must you be to put something that can potentially explode (if exposed to too much heat) inside your rectum, of all places?
After taking a pelvic x-ray, doctors were able to identify the glaringly obvious cause for the abdominal pain. Luckily for the young man, the canister was soon removed under general anesthesia and he was discharged a couple days later. The 23-year-old didn’t reveal his reason for inserting a deodorant canister in his sensitive area. Good thinking, surgeons aren’t going to have the slightest notion why.
8. Hot Cheetos That Caused Children To Have “Red Poop”
When a particularly hot variety of Cheetos came on the market a few years back, some children became addicted and began eating them in excess. Unfortunately, kids had more than just a sore stomach to contend with after eating bags of the stuff – the red food colouring in the snacks caused their poop to turn red. Naturally, a parent’s first thought was that this was blood in their stool, so they panicked and took them to the emergency room.
Eating the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in moderation would not normally cause your poop to turn red, but kids consumed so much it caused their stools to become dyed in a dark red colour. As harsh as it may sound, it’s kind of hard to feel sorry for parents who allow their kids to eat bags full of Cheetos instead of nutritional food in the first place. If your diet causes your number twos to look like you’re bleeding internally, you might wanna rethink things.
7. Jump Rope Became Stuck In Penis
In another tale of someone too lazy and too impulsive (and too stupid) to buy a proper sex toy, a Chinese man – who unsurprisingly asked to remain anonymous – arrived at the emergency room after inserting a jump rope into his urethra to increase his “sexual pleasure.” The rope apparently became knotted and had lodged itself in his bladder. What part of that plan did he think would turn out well?
An x-ray taken of the man’s lower region showed that the rope had four knots and had become stuck in the most narrow part of the urethra. Also, 10 centimeters of the 1m-long jump rope was hanging out the opening of his urethra. As you can imagine, the urologist was not very impressed, saying that the man had put his own life at risk for the sake of a stupid sexual stunt. Apologies if you can’t get this image out of your head right away – but spare a thought for the medical staff.
6. Using A Toy In The Supermarket
In a story taken from the TV show Sex Sent Me To The ER, a mischievous young couple decided to take a trip to their local supermarket and try out a sex toy – as you do. The girlfriend, Ashley, had a vibrator concealed in her pants, while her boyfriend Dennis had control of the vibrator. (You can probably see where this is going). Ashley was browsing the aisles and bumped into a friend when Dennis “turned her on’” and things quickly went from awkward to painful.
After an embarrassing conversation with her friend, Ashley stumbled away, all the while trying to conceal the raging orgasm she was having in public. Things took a turn for the dangerous when her boyfriend turned the vibrator on one final time and the power of it literally knocked Ashley off her feet, causing her to hit her head as she fell. Bet explaining that one to the ER staff was a cringe fest.
5. Live Eel That Entered A Man’s…Manhood
Another eel-related mishap for you, except – unlike the other crazy guy – this wasn’t a willing eel insertion. A Chinese man named Zhang Nan was enjoying a bizarre spa treatment which involves bathing with live eels (this is apparently based on the trend of fish pedicures that started in London and other major cities). In what was supposed to be a relaxing treatment that would make his skin feel younger and smoother, Nan soon felt a sharp pain in his downstairs region.
He looked down and watched in horror as one of the eels vanished into the tip of his penis. Bravely, 65-year-old Nan said that he “tried to hold it and take it out, but the eel was too slippery and it disappeared.” By the time poor Nan was taken to the emergency room to have it removed, the eel was already in his bladder. It reportedly took around 3 hours to remove the six-inch eel from Nan’s body, by a surgeon aptly named Jin Wang. I’m crying…
4. A Woman Suffering A Three Hour Orgasm
Suffering may sound like a bizarre choice of words to describe this type of medical emergency, but as they say – too much of a good thing can often be dangerous, and this was exactly the case for one woman. After a morning of passion with her partner, a woman named Liz was waiting for a climax that never came. She continued to have an orgasm for a whole hour afterward (which probably made her partner, Eric, feel pretty proud), but Liz was starting to freak out.
To try and stop her seemingly endless pleasure wave, Liz tried everything from exercise to drinking a glass of wine in the hopes things would calm down, but her orgasm continued for another two hours! Out of ideas and frightened, her partner decided to take her to the ER and amusingly, medical staff first mistook her moans for labour pains. While at the hospital, Liz’s orgasm finally managed to stop, but not before she caught the attention of the entire waiting room.
3. Anxiety Due To In-Laws
We can all feel a little stressed when dealing with our in-laws – it’s a fact of life. But there aren’t many of us who would consider this a medical emergency. Then again, we might if our in-laws were a large and boisterous Italian family! Around the Thanksgiving holidays, a shy young woman from Bedford, Indiana arrived at the emergency room with complaints of anxiety – the anxiety that she would have to spend an entire evening with her husband’s family.
She told a physician at the hospital that she had recently married a “wonderful man” but wasn’t sure how to cope with all the people he came with. While writing to an annoying aunt would have been more appropriate, time was clearly of the essence for this nervous young newly-wed. The doctor prescribed her some anxiety medication and advised her to fake a stomach ache if the evening got too overwhelming. Sound medical advice!
2. Man Who Wanted Viagra For Christmas
One insecure young man didn’t want a lot for Christmas – just the ability to please a special someone in his life. What’s odd about this ER visit (other than it not being a real emergency) was that the man asking for a little help down there was only 24 years old. Clearly embarrassed to ask for the Viagra straight away, the man apparently told the staff that he was suffering from a “urinary complaint” before he worked up the courage to ask about it.
Surprised at his request at such a young age, the doctor apparently asked if he had experienced trouble with performance before. The young man’s response was amazing “No, but my girlfriend is coming for Christmas, and I am scared that I won’t be able to give her the present I was promising.” Hopefully, he didn’t ask his girlfriend to open this present in front of her family on Christmas morning…
1. Dangerous Turkey Prep
Thanksgiving is a time for relaxing with family and consuming mountains of food, but the boring part (cooking the food) is where things can get a little dangerous – particularly where the turkey is concerned. The highlight of the Thanksgiving meal can be a mare to prepare and cook, which probably explains why some people get their bird ready the night before, but even then – accidents can happen.
An emergency physician at Lennox Hill hospital in New York has witnessed many a turkey-related catastrophe in his time. Dr. Robert Glatter has previously dealt with patients with “singed hair and eyebrows” as well as “severe splash burns to the face.” This is usually down to wet or partially frozen Turkeys being deep-fried, which can cause fires and even explosions. Taking the finished turkeys out of the oven can be just as perilous. “People have also dropped their turkeys, causing second degree burns on the tops of their feet and toe fractures.” Ouch. May want to put some soothing cranberry sauce on that!
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