Parents are always doing their best to shield their kids from harmful and unsuitable things in this world. From putting child-lock passwords on the TV to imposing child-friendly filters on their internet activity, Mommy and Daddy put in every effort to make sure they’re little ones won’t be exposed to anything violent, pornographic and generally unsavoury when left to their own devices.
Then again if those same parents happened to buy any of these ridiculous toys for their kids, they needn’t have bothered being so over-protective!
Who needs a Tickle Me Elmo to cuddle when your kid can have a Hitler doll? Or how about giving them E.T.’s finger to give them comfort when they’re lonely (which just so happens to resemble an adult toy that provides a very similar purpose)? From toys with unintentionally sexual designs to ones that use wildly inappropriate language, these children’s ‘playthings’ are epic fails of toy manufacturing. How these horrendously bad products ever made it past the boardroom design stage, we’ll never know.
Presumably these toy designers were given a pretty relaxed brief about what constitutes as a children’s toy. Judging by this list, that brief appears to be — ‘make anything, so long as it’s bright and colourful and looks remotely cute.’ What may appear harmless to the poor kids who received these for Christmas just looks plain disturbing to adult eyes. These 15 sorry excuses for children’s toys have got to be the most inappropriate things ever created in a toy factory — and it’s downright hilarious!
15. Hitler Doll
We’re not sure who made this or decided it was a good idea, but a picture says a thousand words and this one screams three in particular — epic parenting fail! Maybe I’m being too prudish. After all, who wouldn’t want their child cuddling up to the leader of the Third Reich? Imagining your child taking history’s most genocidal maniac to bed may be too horrible to contemplate.
If Hitler ‘dolls’ need to exist, they should only be in the form of war figurines in a museum. Behind a thick pane of glass. And in that case, they should never be taken out and ‘played’ with. Any parent who bought this monstrosity for their child presumably reads them entries from Mein Kampf as a bedtime story.
14. Poo Dough
Hard to believe, but this toy was a big seller back in 2013. Creating disgustingly realistic turds from play dough — what’s not to like? Well, a lot actually. The poop-creating kit came with tubs of poo dough compound and a mold tray to let kid’s create their very own turds. Yellow dough was even included for kids to add in bits of corn too! We don’t envy the horrified parents who stepped on these by accident.
Not only was the poo dough a revolting toy, it was potentially very harmful too. The dough contained traces of wheat, so for any children with a gluten intolerance this could have brought on symptoms of headaches, difficulty breathing and even life-threatening anaphylaxis! In every sense of the word, this gross prank toy was toxic.
13. Pregnant Baby Doll
Baby dolls are creepy at the best of times, but one toy manufacturer decided to up the creep out factor with this freak of nature. This is the doll that’s pregnant with its own baby. (Oh, and that baby is pregnant with its own mini baby too). Baby-ception!
This essentially makes the newborn baby a Grandmother, then? We can’t get our heads around just how messed up this toy is. Completing ‘Baby’s First Baby’ kit are some warm towels and milk bottles in three different sizes — one for Grandma baby, daughter baby and baby… baby. If this weren’t enough, the belly of pregnant baby also has stretch mark details. At least the box stipulates that ‘batteries are not required’. Yeah, because that would be unnatural now, wouldn’t it?
12. Shave the Baby
There’s nothing right about this nightmarish creation. This shave-able toy doll from Japan is covered in clumps of unsightly orange hair in the armpit area, around the ankles (um… what?) and, disturbingly, the pubic region. A doll baby with pubic hair? We’ve seen everything now. Compared to this thing, even Miley Cyrus doesn’t seem like such a bad role model!
This grotesque dolly — looking like the offspring of Chuck Norris and the horror movie character ‘Chuckie’ — was made with the intention of letting the owner find pleasure in shaving the hair off their baby. The Japanese toy industry has an unhealthy perception about what children find interesting and enjoyable. In fact, who in their right mind would get a kick out of this? What ever possessed someone to design and display this in a children’s toy store we’ll never know.
11. Breaking Bad figurines
I adore Breaking Bad and it’s widely considered one of the best TV shows of all time, but there’s something a tad strange about selling action figures of the main characters in Toys ‘R’ Us of all places. It’s not out of the ordinary to see shelves of TV characters as figurines, but since Breaking Bad is heavily associated with Crystal meth, terminal cancer and horrific violence — this doesn’t qualify as a great Christmas present for youngsters!
The dolls in question depicted the Jesse and Walter dolls with accessories of meth-cooking equipment and bundles of money. To compare this with other adult shows, the merchandise off the back of Game of Thrones is everywhere, but even they would draw the line at releasing topless female characters or certain characters with, shall we say ‘missing parts.’
10. Gag Ball Bear
This otherwise cute and cuddly critter was part of the ‘Squeeze Popper Huggables’ range of pocket pets that shoot balls out of their mouth when you squeeze their tummies. Unfortunately, the way these little guys were sold and displayed kinda looks like they’re involved in a game of a very adult nature.
A picture of one of these guys appearing to be *ahem* bound and gagged soon went viral on social media, sending other parents falling in fits of laughter at the sight of an innocent toy gagged with a giant ball. No doubt this provided kids with hours of fun, but what the adult eye sees can’t really be unseen. It doesn’t help matters that the text on the side of the box boasts the words ‘Shoots up to 20 Feet!’.
9. Buzz Lightyear Sippy Cup
Toy Story is undeniably awesome and any kid who grew up in the 90’s would have jumped at the chance to have a Buzz Lightyear toy in any form… with the exception of this one, perhaps. On an awkward scale of iffy to deeply inappropriate, this child’s drinking cup goes to infinity and beyond! (Sorry).
It isn’t just the unfortunate placement of the straw that makes this sippy cup so hilariously rude, it’s also the smug expression of satisfaction on Buzz’s face that makes this a big bowl of wrong. Also, consider the fact that the straw can be ‘extended’ and ‘flexed’ and you have a recipe for endless sexual innuendos! We’re shocked that the cup manufacturers didn’t have a rethink before going public with this one.
8. Sperm Plush Toy
It’s hard to know where to begin with this one. I’m all in favour of educational toys, but if this was made to educate kids about sex or where they came from, the toy designers definitely missed the mark with this one! (The adorable little blue bow doesn’t make it any cuter either).
The Giant Microbes Sperm Plush is labelled as a teaching toy that’s perfect for parents, science professionals and “kids of all ages”. Somehow, I don’t think so. Can you really imagine giving your toddler this soft toy at Christmas or, worse still, a group of teenagers at a sex education class? I feel for the red-faced parents who were put on the spot in their local toy shop trying to explain what kind of ‘animal’ this is to their kids.
7. The Toy That Sings ‘Paedophile’
This adorable singing mouse was supposed to sing Jingle Bells when you squeezed its belly, but many parents were horrified to discover that it sounded more like ‘Paedo-phile, Paedo-phile’. Hardly what you’d call festive.
In their defence for the unexpected lyric-change, the toy’s distributor claimed that the man who provided the voice recording had been unable to pronounce certain words (that’s an understatement!) and that the sound had become distorted after being sped up to heighten the pitch. The toys have since been recalled, but you can judge for yourself here what the mouse appears to be singing.
6. The E.T. Finger Light
The longer you look at this toy, it’s hard to see what’s right about it. A full E.T. doll would’ve been appropriate for kids, but a toy that is essentially nothing more than E.T.’s long, wrinkly finger which glows when you ‘touch it’? These toy designers were pretty much asking for trouble. (Did someone say flesh light?).
What was probably a sincere and well-meaning gift for all the budding young Elliot’s out there unfortunately came out looking like a rather realistic sex toy. The finger light is even more creepy when you realize that this was designed for ages starting at 4 and up. We’re guessing these toy makers had to phone many homes… in a mass apology to a lot of angry and creeped out parents.
5. Minnie Mouse Singing Toy
Not only does this look terrifying, it has the look of a blow-up sex doll and that’s never something you expect to associate with Disney. The Sing-a-Ma-Jig Minnie Mouse doll sings a happy tune alone or in harmony with other dolls in the same range. A row of toys that look like this singing in unison? Parents may as well sit their kids in front of a horror film.
Some parents apparently complained that Minnie’s singing voice was a little off and that she appeared to sing with an unexpected Oriental accent, but these features would be the least of my worries when the toy looks like this! Sing-a-Ma-Jig Minnie scares the hell-a-ma-jig out of us. The manufacturers should have thought twice before unleashing this on to the market.
4. Disney Princess Toilet Seat
The house of mouse is such a gigantic franchise that it’s hard to imagine a product they haven’t (or wouldn’t) put their name to. However, we reckon that even this creation surprised a few parents and Disney fans. Maybe it’s the pretty pink colour scheme, maybe it’s the innocence of the Disney princesses, but there’s something a tad gross about the idea of little girls sitting on this to do their business.
We get that the happy and colourful design is intended to make potty time a little less daunting for toddlers, but did the design have to be the carefree faces of Disney princesses? The idea of kids placing their bare butts on to the cheery, smiling expressions of Belle and Cinderella doesn’t seem quite right to us.
3. Swearing Phone
This cute toy phone may look friendly, but don’t be fooled by the pretty colours – this toy can swear like a trooper. At least, it has the potential too in the wrong hands! This toy’s ability to curse is less to do with the manufacturer and more to do with crafty parents, but this was too funny not to include in the list.
It turns out that even a simple kids toy can be hacked, as an amused parent discovered when he entered the numbers 9-3-5-3 in a sequence. When pressed quickly, this adorable Vtech baby phone can clearly be heard saying ‘Motherf***ker’. It didn’t take long for the original YouTube video to go viral, prompting other parents to make the phone say other swear words. Apparently, entering 2-4 gets it to say ‘Bulls**t’!
2. Breastfeeding Doll
There’s a theme running through this list of hideously inappropriate dolls. If a shave-able baby and a pregnant baby weren’t disturbing enough, this doll wins the creepy prize – the Breast Milk Baby. Unsurprisingly, this doll caused an outrage when it hit the Christmas shelves back in 2012, with most mothers branding it ‘toe-curlingly gross’ and it’s not hard to see why.
Breast Milk Baby is supposed to simulate the experience of breastfeeding for little girls. Each doll comes with a bib for young girls to wear which feature flower ‘nipples’. The dolls suckle on the flower nipples whilst making slurping sounds (I think I just threw up a little). If girls are going to be pushed to learn about breastfeeding this early, what’s next for these creepy toy designers? Whoever approved this idea was seriously disturbed.
1. Play Doh ‘Cake Decorator’
Hasbro’s Sweet Shoppe Cake Mountain play set includes everything kid’s need to make fun and colourful Play Doh cakes. The only problem? The cake frosting nozzle (above) looks uncannily like a penis. Worse still, the coiled design makes this look like it could pass for a sex toy! Kid’s using the frosting nozzle may be none the wiser, but parents would no doubt feel a little uncomfortable by the idea.
Many families felt a little too freaked out by the design and apparently complained to Hasbro over the unfortunate dildo-like cake decorating tool. Hasbro have since offered to replace the original cake frosting tool for something more suitable and have promised an update to all future Cake Mountain products. It’s pretty straightforward, guys – just don’t market anything resembling a vibrator to kids!