Boys are gross. At least that’s what the nursery rhyme implies, right? Girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Boys, on the other hand, are made of escargot and the mutilated appendages of small dogs. And we all know this. It is an indisputable fact that those of us with a Y chromosome are genetically predisposed to being approximately a billion times more disgusting than our female counterparts. That’s science. As far as anyone knows, all unpleasant bodily functions, unrefined physical acts, and odorous gasses are exclusive to the males of our species.
Unless you’ve actually been in a relationship of any sort for any period of time with a woman, then you know differently. Girls are super gross. Basically, all humans are super gross and girls happen to be human, so there you have it.
But do you know when humans are at their peak grossest? When they reach the top of the Mount Everest of offensiveness? When they are alone. When we are around other people, most of us manage to rein in our inherent indecencies, unless we’ve been indulging in a particularly dairy-heavy diet, in which case there is no reining in that gas monster. But when we are alone, those inhibitions melt away like butter in lava and the full foulness of our humanity is on display. Men and women alike. And here are fifteen disgusting things that guys do when they are alone…that girls also do.
15. They Lick The Spoon And Put It Back
There is nothing shameful about eating peanut butter or Ben & Jerry’s by the spoonful. Straight out of the jar. At least you’re not jamming your grubby hands in there and cramming it into your face hole like a chimpanzee addicted to sugar. You’re using a utensil like a civilized member of society. And you might even do it around roommates, family, or out in public on a park bench surrounded by your best friends – the murder of crows that picks breadcrumbs off your pant legs.
But when you’re spending the evening in and finish up with that spoon, you might gaze down at it, notice your own reflection, and think, “Wow, it looks clean. I really licked every single speck of Rocky Road right off this thing.” And then you might just drop it back into the drawer with its shiny, concave brethren, because who is going to know the difference?
14. They Sniff Their Armpits
There is absolutely no graceful way to take a whiff of your pit. You have to stick your arm up in the air like you’re asking your third grade teacher, Ms. Winchtail, if you can change desks because the kid beside you keeps flicking his snot balls at your head, then you have to crank your head to the side like a troubled celebrity shying away from the paparazzi on the way into the courthouse for his bestiality trial, and then finally you must inhale. And every single person who sees you knows exactly what you are doing. They know that you are checking and quietly praying that the 24 hour extra strong Irish waterfall scented deodorant you scraped along your underarms last night is living up to its name, making it something everyone would much rather do in private.
13. They Febreze Instead Of Wash
So you’re running late for a date with a pretty lady – traffic was bad on the way home, or work went late, or you just got distracted watching YouTube videos of drunken idiots running around a Walmart parking lot with roman candles strapped to their nearly naked bodies – and that classy button-up shirt with the little anchors on it that you were going to wear is still crumpled up in your laundry basket because you haven’t hit the laundromat since 2015. But it’s not visibly dirty, it just smells like a mix of gym sweat and blue cheese, so you grab a bottle of Febreze and squirt the crap out of it. Good enough, right? Well yeah, because that pretty lady you’re meeting at the Olive Garden probably did the same thing. Truth be told, ladies wash their bras roughly as often as America switches up their presidents. And that’s why Febreze’s stock will never die.
12. They Pee In The Shower
Showering with another person can be a hell of a lot of fun. Everything is wet and slippery and naked. They can get your back. They can get your front, if you know what we mean. (Wink wink, nudge nudge, finger gun.) It’s a steamy, soapy, sexy party for two and you don’t even have to spend money on drinks.
But you know what you can’t do when you’re doing the indoor rainstorm tango? Squeeze the lemon. Well, unless you have one of those Trump-styled pissing fetishes, then the world is your urinal…or something. Otherwise, you have to keep your inner water balloon intact. You have to keep your eavestrough clogged. You have to keep your keg untapped. But once you’re alone, you can let loose and pour a little yellow down the drain.
11. They Do The Ol’ Scratch And Sniff
No, we’re not talking about fishing out your childhood storybooks that feature a hangry walrus named Wilson who travels the East Coast looking for food and winds up on all sorts of crazy, G-rated adventures, complete with colorful illustrations that have little flaps labelled “sniff me!” on them, which you rubbed and whiffed vigorously as a toddler, catching the faint scent of whatever artificially engineered flavor was supposed to match the aforementioned walrus cartoon.
No, we’re talking about checking to make sure your nether regions don’t reek like the dumpster behind an Albuquerque salmon shop. Dip your pinky beneath your waistband, casually waft it underneath your nostrils, and pray to the gods of crotch cleanliness that it doesn’t make your eyes water. The ol’ scratch and sniff.
10. They Pick Their Nose
We don’t mean to say that everyone out there is pulling a Ralph Wiggum on the regular, but let’s not pretend that when you’re driving without a passenger, no tissues are readily at hand, and there’s a stubborn snot lump jammed up inside your nostril, that every single living human hasn’t sent their index finger on a nasally extraction mission. Hell, you might be doing it right now while you’re reading this article. You are, aren’t you? Because there is nothing worse than a ticklesome booger lodged in your olfactory mucus chute, so sometimes you just gotta glance around to make sure no one is watching and then go digging for nose gold.
9. They Inspect Their Junk
If you are one of those humans with a twig and berries dangling beneath your belt line, then you have definitely spent more hours that you would care to admit closely inspecting your one-eyed monster and his testy underlings. You flip it up, tuck it down, shake it around, and make sure nothing is there that shouldn’t be and everything is there that should be. It’s just a little bit of platonic poking and prodding, stretching and scrutinizing that eats up about as much of your day as sitting in traffic.
8. They Admire Their Poop
There are very few things on this good green Earth that are more inherently revolting than poop, but that might just be what makes it so damn fascinating. And you’d be a dirty liar if you told us that you aren’t at least a little bit curious to take a gander at that murdered brown snake after a particularly delightful dump. And while women are probably less likely to take a selfie next to their fecal masterpiece to send off to their buds, and sororities almost definitely don’t have monthly Lengthy Log competitions, you can rest assured that even your dainty and precious girlfriend takes a mental snapshot of her dung heap after she punishes the porcelain.
7. They Pop Zits
Okay, maybe all of you filthy folk don’t wait until you are on your lonesome in order to force the various pus volcanoes on your face to erupt, but those of you who do this in public, or even with your closest, most intimate friends, are the worst kind of people. Seriously, that’s just vile. Nobody wants to witness the gooey carnage left behind after you go on an acne extermination expedition.
But when you’re all alone checking out your face in the mirror, there isn’t a person alive who can resist popping one of those high-pressure whiteheads and then giggling to yourself with a degree of admiration after the ammunition from your pore’s crud cannon hits the mirror. It’s awesome. And it’s disgusting.
6. They Prune Their Shrubbery
What? Did you really think that your lady friend was naturally a smooth and hairless goddess from the magical land of perfectly groomed pubes? Stop kidding yourself, bro. You’re not the only one in that relationship who takes the clippers to their fun bits in order to trim the hedges. (And if you’re reading this and saying to yourself, “I have no idea what they are talking about,” then it might be time to rethink your stance on mowing your lower lawn. Au naturel isn’t always your best option, pal.)
And it’s not just about taking her beaver to the barber either. There are ingrown hairs to pluck, skin bumps to remove, and a whole host of other tidbits that men don’t want to know about and women don’t want to explain.
5. They Neglect Their Sheets
This is a grotesque habit (or lack thereof) that seems to die the minute you share a bed with someone. It’s like you don’t realize how gross your sweaty, oily, grimy body is until you co-habitate with someone else’s sweaty, oily, grimy body. When we’re sleeping solo, who cares if the bedding gets a little haggard and has an aroma vaguely reminiscent of old socks, hair gel, and loneliness? The bachelor(ette) lifestyle just doesn’t put a lot of emphasis on sudsing your sheets. But as soon as you start catching z’s in tandem with someone else, especially if other bedroom activities are involved as well, you will undoubtedly quickly find value in running your quilt and pillowcases through the washing machine’s power cycle on a weekly basis.
4. They Peel Off Dead Skin
Peeling off one’s dead skin can take many forms but it is always 100% nauseating. Sure, unless you’ve got a pretty serious epidermal condition, it’s not like watching a rattlesnake moult, but it’s still highly unpleasant. (Seriously though–if you shed your skin like a lizard and you haven’t been diagnosed with something freaky yet, we strongly recommend that you skedaddle on over to the nearest dermatologist ASAP.)
You might chew dried flakes off your lips, or carve down a crusty buildup on your toes with an emery board, or scratch your scalp until so much dandruff rains down around you that you can pretend you’re in your own personal snow globe. But whatever your version of defunct flesh removal you partake in, do everyone else a favor and exfoliate where no one else can witness it. Thanks.
3. They Spritz Instead Of Shower
Showers are glorious things. They are also time-consuming things. And if you’re hair is already looking damn fine, you probably don’t want to blast hot water all over it, shampoo, rinse, repeat, then spend an hour and a half attempting to replicate the perfect Macklemore pompadour you just destroyed. Just because…what? You smell a little funky? That’s what cologne is for! Or perfume, if that’s your preference. Or that unisex stuff. Whatever. There’s nothing like some spritzed-on fragrant Calvin Klein to mask the fact that your personal hygiene is a few days behind schedule. Guys do it. Gals do it. Everyone does it. They just make sure to do it in secret so that no one will judge them.
2. They Give Themselves A Hand
We might have different methodologies and varying frequencies, but the endgame is always the same for both men and women: reaching the climax on a solo climb up the mountain of pleasure. A little self-love is sometimes just what the doctor ordered.
And if you’re one of the guys ignorant enough to assume that only one gender regularly engages in a little hand to gland combat, boy do we have news for you. Depending on which study you listen to, close to 90% of women admit to buttering their muffin. And that doesn’t take into account the other 10% who have been known to lie. Facts are facts: nearly everyone, whether you wrestle the dragon or you rub the raspberry, takes some time to enjoy the occasional ménage à moi.
1. They Dig Out Bellybutton Lint
Unless you are one of those hairless wonders of the male species who has somehow managed to step into adulthood without sprouting a veritable garden of stringy vines about his stomach (or you have an outie), then you know the plague of bellybutton lint. Those fellas with deep, cavernous tummy holes adorned in man-fur deal daily with shirt leftovers clogging up their umbilical scar. It’s always fun when you wear a bright red sweater and at the end of the day briefly wonder what in the ever-loving hell is inhabiting your gut gorge before you puff out your paunch and scoop it out. And even if it doesn’t happen as often, you can lay a safe bet on the fact that ladies also assume the least sexy pose all time when left alone: belly protruding, chin tucked in, and one finger knuckle-deep in your abdomen’s lint mine.
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