Dolls shouldn’t be designed to look like real people. I don’t care if you’re a doll collector or a small child with a fandom; your collection is terrifying. It should be doused in gasoline and set on fire. That being said, even though dolls are creepy af, celebrities are still commissioning their likenesses to be transferred to plastic murderers that come alive at night.
Okay, so maybe they won’t kill me (or will they?). Even if they’re not inhabited by the soul of the celebrity’s evil doppelganger, these dolls are weird. Most of them don’t even look like the celebrity whose likeness they’re supposed to embody. Celebrities still commission these dolls because they know their fans will buy them regardless if there is a true likeness or not.
Mattel is the biggest purveyor of high-profile dolls, but lots of lesser known companies have made them too. To be fair, whether the doll was made by a prominent toy maker or a little-known designer, the chances of the doll turning out cute are slim to none. Nearly every single look-a-like doll has a creepy flaw; just check out Emma Watson’s Belle doll (on this list), which was made by Disney and sold at JCPenney. The doll is so terrifying and hideous it was pulled from shelves.
You’d think with all our modern technology, doll makers would have discovered the secret to making a cute celebrity doll, but no; they haven’t. Even the newest doll releases will make it hard to sleep at night. These dolls are the stuff of nightmares.
15. The Rock WWF Maximum Sweat Action Figure
The Rock’s WWF Maximum Sweat Action Figure is horrible. It’s not just scary, it’s also ugly, unrealistic, and disgusting. Look at it. It’s head looks like a tiny Bruce Campbell head, and it’s body is oversized even for The Rock’s action figure. The Rock’s a jacked dude, but his action figure is all unrealistic and nightmarish bulging. Also, his uh actual bulge is highly unrealistic. We’ve all seen The Rock in his skivvies, and there’s none of that going on down there.
The action figure ships with “official federation sweat,” which is put into the doll with a little dropper. The bloodcurdling doll then seeps out the fluid. Please no. This is beyond nasty. What a thing to get your kid… I don’t care if it’s fake, telling your kid it’s cool to douse a man in his sweat is so gross. Parents who would buy this need to get it together…
14. Baby Barack Obama Doll
The creep factor of this doll isn’t the look of it, but rather the concept. Some doll maker found a baby photo of our 44th president and used that to make this odd collector’s item. Maybe there is market of people who need to cuddle a baby Barack now that Trump is president? Now, that I’ve put it out there, I can see why this doll is necessary.
The Obama baby is wearing a shirt that reads: “Obama…The Birth of Hope… January 20, 2009.” That is confusing. It almost suggests that baby Obama was born in 2009, but that’s when he took office. Wouldn’t it make more sense to have his actual birthdate on the shirt considering this is a baby doll? Then again, it would have made the most sense to just never make this doll.
As far as I know, there isn’t yet a baby Trump. But, because presidential merchandise is so popular, I’m guessing there will be a baby Trump sometime in the next four years. The doll maker can use his real hands to model for the baby’s because they’re probably close in size.
13. Full House “Danny’s Family” Dolls
Quick, kill them with fire. The look on Stephanie’s face (at least, I think that’s Steph) says it all. It says, “I serve the dark one, and he’s called for your death.” You’ll never risk death, so long as you leave these cretinous creatures in their packaging, held back by the plastic around their spastic hair. All the dolls have truly unfortunate manes, but Michelle’s is the most unfortunate. They look nothing like their real-life counterparts.
Also, can we please address why Michelle is standing over a regular-sized band-aid? I’m thinking this is the exact band-aid size you’ll need to cover the bite wounds she’s sure to inflict. Never mind, it’s a comb. Danny, played by Bob Saget (the doll couldn’t look less like him), looks like his head was placed on the body backward.
If you’re a 90s kid, you may remember some of the weird Full House merchandise you could get. Not only were creepy dolls in strong supply, there was board games, body pillows, telephones, quiz books, and a lot more. There was even a series of poorly written chapter books.
12. Emma Watson “Beauty and The Beast” Belle Doll
Most people agree that the Belle doll looks more like celebrity crooner Justin Bieber, than it does actress Emma Watson. One Twitter user wrote, “When you order an Emma Watson doll online, but a Justin Bieber doll, in a yellow dress & wig, arrives instead.” With a forehead like a tarmac and eyes that scream, “I’m trapped for eternity!” this doll is among the ugliest on this list.
If you were lucky enough to buy one before they were pulled from the shelf, don’t risk taking it out of the box. It looks capable of untold horrors. More than likely, this heinous doll will be worth a lot of money someday. The Belle doll has gone viral online because it’s so ugly, which has resulted in many memes and jokes written about it. Because of its viral status, Disney has stopped selling it. That makes the ugly doll rare. I don’t recommend keeping it out in the open (maybe bury it in a locked chest), but I do recommend holding onto it.
11. Iggy Pop Action Figure
For the love of humanity, why is this necessary? The Iggy Pop action figure is gruesome in detail. Its face is less Iggy Pop and more blood thirsty cave man, especially that hair. As far as I know, the real Iggy Pop doesn’t have dreadlocks. The doll also features some weird and random hairs sprouting from underneath its scowling mouth. It’s absurd and frightening, and don’t look it in the eyes because that’s how it convinces you to hurt people. From the emaciated stomach to the rippling muscles, this doll is strung out and ferocious. From the waist down, it’s not that bad. So, maybe just look there?
The real Iggy Pop is scary enough. Did he really need a doll to embody his unglorified figure? I’m trying to envision who this product is marketed toward. As a fan of Iggy’s music, I know it’s not meant for me. I’d put it in my garbage disposal before I’d put it on a shelf.
10. Senator Hillary Clinton “Boogie Diva” Action Figure
Try to look at the senator without looking away… She’s frightening. The doll, which was created sometime before 2008, features a twisted smile and a furrowed, unhappy brow. It wears an oversized black pantsuit over a pink blouse, which is the standard costume of the real Hillary Clinton, but that’s where their similarities begin and end. This doll is a fearsome caricature of the former New York State Senator.
Politicians aren’t without their disturbing merch. In this case, the doll is meant to insult Clinton which is why its looks are so exaggerated and frightening. Instead of singing “My Country Tis of Thee,” the creepy doll sings, “My name is Hillary, first broad of Liberty, Of me, I sing…” So, yeah, it’s horrible to look at and to listen to…
There’s a lot of weird merchandise tied to Clinton’s various political campaigns. Car magnates were sold which read, “Bill Clinton for First Dude.” Mugs were sold which read, “America’s Enemies will bleed (from their ears),” over a picture of Clinton herself. Underneath her photo, the mug read Hillary 2016. The election was full of sexist gems like these, which is one reason to be glad it’s over.
9. Robert Pattinson “Breaking Dawn – Part 1” Edward Doll
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 “Edward” doll is supposed to resemble c. Does Robert Pattinson have ginger-red hair? No, he doesn’t, but that didn’t stop Mattel from issuing this insane-looking tuxedoed doll. He looks less ready to marry Bella, and more ready to hunt down the wedding party and kill them all one by one.
This dapper doll isn’t the ugliest on this list; if you ignore the misshapen nose and lack of a neck (okay, the entire head). The doll also has blood-red, soulless eyes, which I assume it uses for poaching souls. Okay, so it’s a vampire doll, but in the film Edward’s eyes are only blood-shot when he’s hungry for human blood; otherwise, they are green, so the doll definitely wants to drink your blood.
Twilight was responsible for some really insane merch, including “Love at First Bite,” the “Twilight” cook book. It includes recipes for “Cascade Mountain mashed potatoes” and “irritated grizzly bear steaks.” Other weird Twilight merchandise includes glow in the dark soap and “Twitarded” underwear, which feature Pattinson’s face in the crotch.
8. Andrew Lincoln’s “The Walking Dead” Action Figure
Careful folks, this doll is armed and it looks dangerous. It also looks nothing like Andrew Lincoln, who is handsome and doesn’t wear a hat. He gave his hat to Carl, remember? There was a time when he did wear his hat; however, if this doll were from that time, he’d also be wearing Lincoln’s sheriff’s uniform. The doll is dressed in blue jeans, and an excrement smeared t-shirt. Seriously, what’s all that brown stuff? Never mind, I don’t want to know.
The Walking Dead has a huge following, and was once voted “best TV show of all time” in a global poll. Its popularity has spawned a doll for every main character in the show (and, even some sub-plot characters). Some of them are cool, such as Michonne’s various dolls. Some are creepy, but none is worse than this Rick Grimes doll that’s covered in actual grime. Seriously though, is that poop? I can’t let it go.
7. Michael Jackson “Thriller” Action Figure
Oh cool… Here’s a doll whose face somewhat resembles who its modeled after. (Well, pre-surgery Michael Jackson.) Had they shipped this doll without the extra face, hands, and clothing, this doll wouldn’t be a thing of nightmares, but doll-makers can’t allow that.
Just look at Michael’s “Thriller” face on the stand. It’s horrific. There’s something so wrong about sticking a newer, more gruesome face on a doll. And, how many extra pairs of hands were necessary? And, why is there one extra hand? Hands come in pairs! How am I going to sleep tonight?
Michael Jackson is a huge icon, so it’s no surprise there are many creepy dolls carrying his likeness. This one is the most frightening (mostly due to that extra hand. Seriously, why?), but the $7,000 life-size doll is a close second. It was made post-surgery and features Michael’s oddly shaped tiny nose. I’d like to know who is buying these dolls, so I can get a restraining order and guarantee I never meet them.
6. John Travolta On Stage Superstar Doll
In a pair of acid wash blue jeans, the John Travolta doll embodies what life was like in the 1970s. The clothes were hideous, and the hair was gender ambiguous. Seriously, is that a John Travolta doll or is it Marie Osmond? I just can’t tell.
This is another of those dolls that has a soulless vacant stare. It looks at you, no matter where you’re standing; if you’re in its eye-line, it sees you. Its grin isn’t welcoming, not in the least bit. Yet, this thing retails for over two hundred dollars because people love their Travolta collector’s items, even if those items are hideous things of evil.
John Travolta has had a few dolls made in his likeness, including ones based on his roles in Grease and Saturday Night Fever. This particular doll is the creepiest, but the others aren’t great either. If you’re looking for a Travolta doll that’s handsome like the A-list actor, you’re never going to find one.
5. Caitlyn Jenner Vanity Fair Doll
For some reason, Caitlyn Jenner is still a thing and now she even has her own creepy doll. It’s painted head is cocked to one side, as if to say, “Go ahead. Open the package. I dare you.” Its face has none of the angles of the real Jenner’s face. It’s simply a round, underwhelming head, with a glaring look. On her body, she is dressed in strange, skin colored rags. Her hand looks like it wants a knife, which I assume it will use to stab you in the eye.
Jenner’s doll is based on her 2015 Vanity Fair cover, where she announced, “Call me Caitlyn.” I don’t know about you, but I was surprised she didn’t spell it “Kaitlyn,” since everyone else in the family has a K name. I’m mostly ambivalent about Jenner, but her creepy doll I am not ambivalent about all. It looks poised to kill.
I don’t know about you, but I’m more of a Laverne Cox fan. Cox represents something Jenner never can, and that’s the struggle. The struggle is real ya’ll; unless you’re Caitlyn Jenner, then you get to be trans and transphobic at the very same time.
4. Vladimir Putin Riding A Bear Action Figure
Are there any animals shirtless Vladimir Putin hasn’t ridden? In this creepy action figure, Putin is taking the grizzly out for a spin. Other rich men may collect fancy automobiles, but Putin collects wild animals to ride. Okay, I get that this isn’t based on real life, but seriously Putin is well-known for shirtless (bare-backed?) publicity stunts. He’s often photographed hunting, fishing, and riding his horse sans shirt.
The craziest thing about this Putin doll is that it’s not a joke. It wasn’t made by some Westerner capitalizing on the current political climate; nope, it was made in Russia to commemorate their leader who many believe is some kind of super-strong super-human. For just $39, you too can be the freaked-out owner of Vladimir Putin riding a vicious looking bear. Just be careful because if anything were going to gain possession to come alive and kill you, it would be this.
3. Elton John “Crocodile Rock” Official Action Figure
For whatever reason, this doll doesn’t frighten me as much as the others. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want it in my house without a priest present, but it’s just not as terribly frightening as the others. It is, however, a terrible likeness to Elton John; really, it looks nothing like him, but the clothes are similar.
It does have one really odd element, which is the extra pair of shoes. First, this is a collector’s item. Is anyone really playing with the Elton John doll? Are kids clamoring to get him out of the box, so they can have him join their Barbie’s in an endless pursuit of Ken? Second, why are the shoes the exact same pair as he’s already wearing? Were the doll’s designers convinced a pair would be lost, or did Elton John demand his doll have two pairs of every pair of shoes he owns?
John fans love their merch, so there’s no storage of weird things you can buy. Some of his weirder gifts and merchandise are mugs with just his signature gap-tooth smile on them and nothing else, and his very own ice cream flavor: Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road Elton John Ice Cream. Of course, it’s made by Ben & Jerry’s.
2. Natalya WWE Diva Wrestling Action Figure
Like most professional wrestlers, diva Natalya “Nattie” Neidhart has an action figure. Unlike most other action figures, hers isn’t focused on athletic prowess. She’s *ahem* got quite the well-endowed chest on display, so I’m guessing this doll isn’t to inspire little girls to follow their wrestling dreams… Or, maybe it is. Because, don’t most of the divas dress like this?
Anyway, it’s the arms and legs that are really throwing me. In real life, Natalya doesn’t have such odd proportions. Nor does she have such a squinty, mushed up face. It should also be noted that while glistening, Nattie isn’t that tan. She’s actually got lightly bronzed porcelain skin. Who’d have thought the only thing right about Nattie’s action figure would be her chest because the rest is just so off base and creepy.
The WWE is known for its action figures, but the weird merchandise doesn’t end there. Professional wrestlers basically merchandise anything and everything they can. Stone Cold Steve Austin has a line of condoms. Speaking of the WWF, the federation put out a cookbook called, “Can You Take the Heat: The WWF is Cooking!” If you’ve ever wondered what Chyna eats or what The Rock’s “rock-bottom pancakes” taste like, this book has the answers.
1. Drew Barrymore “Charlie’s Angels” Dylan Doll
Complete with a stomach butterfly tattoo, this doll looks more like a common basic b-tch than it does Drew Barrymore. I can see Barrymore a bit in the smirk, but that’s about it. From the hair to the challenged clothing, this is not her. This is the doll of someone who gets dressed in the dark and left hot rollers in for too long.
This Barrymore doll is creepy because the legs are too small. Barrymore is a curvy woman, but this doll’s hips are narrower than the rest of her bottom half. She’s emaciated, starving really, and who knows what she eats. My guess is she feeds on the souls of the living… I should also note that this doll looks like everyone’s least favorite hard-partying auntie.
No one wants an action figure of their drunken auntie. We can get our dose of that next Thanksgiving when she shows up late with a bag full of dusty Avon products. Seriously Aunt Jackie, no one wants to buy makeup after the expiry date has happened.