Okay, we get it, you used to be on top of the world. Every agent in Hollywood was knocking down your door and blowing up your phone. Your inbox was full of the finest scripts. You were involved in the writing, location, the casting, and even the executive producing. Your countless talentless buddies and family members had goofy cameos. Nothing could go wrong. The public loved every move you made. The entire Hollywood industry was in the palm of your hand. But those days are gone, my friend. It’s time to hang up your hat, and retire somewhere really nice. You’ve made your millions, now go enjoy them on a yacht somewhere, or in a fancy Caribbean hotel. You own a few homes by now, why don’t you go live in them for a change? Just relax. Watch the movies, enjoy them, and whatever you do, don’t try to be in them anymore.
Of course, we’re speaking to that has-been actor. The actor that hasn’t been a has-been for long, but the time has come. Let’s send them a much-needed letter of advice, an intervention if you will, to please stop with the nonsense.
The movies have gotten bad, and even the yes-men that surround you have begun to jump ship. Your career is going down, and that’s okay. It must be difficult to turn off that competitive streak, but please do, ASAP. You are just embarrassing yourself. The good news is, you weren’t the first, and won’t be the last. It happens. The public thinks people are cool for a while, and then they get super sick of them. You are not alone. In fact, here is a list of the top 10 actors that need to go away.
11. Nicolas Cage
Has anyone seen the films Joe, Rage, Left Behind, Outcast, The Dying of the Light, The Runner, or Pay the Ghost? Better yet, has anyone heard of these films? Nicolas Cage is still a very busy actor, but his movies are going absolutely nowhere. He’s been banging out flicks like mad, but he hasn’t had a hit since National Treasure 2 back in 2007. Maybe he shoots movies just to stay out of spending trouble. The guy is a shop-o-holic, and buys crazy stuff including albino cobras, medieval European castles, a haunted house, a dinosaur skull, and shrunken pigmy heads. Find a new hobby, Nic, or stick to animation like your washed-up brethren. Actually, The Croods wasn’t anything great either – sorry.
10. Melissa McCarthy
Okay, first off, all power to a fully-curved female making big bucks in an industry obsessed with physical perfection. Good for her. On the other hand, McCarthy’s shtick is getting old in a hurry. How many times can you do the same joke? Her big break came in 2011’s Bridesmaids, when she relieved herself in a bathroom sink. Hilarious? Perhaps. Since then she’s done a series of poor films whose scripts were probably lying around for years. They may have even been old Chris Farley projects that just switched genders to meet her demand. So it’s a girl doing the jokes instead of a guy, big deal.
9. Samuel L. Jackson
Back in 1994, Jackson played a sly Jheri-curled gangster, Jules Winnfield, who pointed his pistol and recited Ezekiel 25:17 with such gusto that it earned him an Oscar nomination. That scene in Pulp Fiction was a legendary moment for Jackson, Tarantino and cinema in general. But that was a long time ago. Since then Samuel seems to do that same act in every movie he’s in, sort of how Depp keeps doing Jack Sparrow, and Pacino keeps gafawing like Scent of a Woman. Jackson is also in many too-frequently-run Capitol One commercials, as well as basketball promos with Spike Lee and Charles Barkley. The over-exposure doesn’t help. He tried branching out as Mace Windu in Star Wars, but that wasn’t anything special. Another fading star that should stick to voicing cartoons.
8. Halle Berry
Was there ever any acting talent here, or was it her awesome beauty that stupefied casting agents when she walked into the room? She did win an Oscar for Monster’s Ball in 2001, but only for doing a very adult scene that Jenna Jameson had already mastered a hundred times. And Halle’s at that age, 49, where she doesn’t fit most Hollywood scripts, only the bad ones. Halle should try doing smaller character roles, where she might be good. Leads like The Call and Cloud Atlas were awful, and the TV series, Extant, was even worse. However, if she wants to be a Bond girl again, that would be fine.
7. Jim Carrey
Good old Jim used to be the comedy king. Back when Dumber and Dumber came out, he could do no wrong. He turned a rotten script like Ace Ventura into a colossal box-office machine. Then he fell into that trap, like Sandler and Ferrell, where he dove into dramatic roles and killed his mojo. The Truman Show was decent and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was well received, but nothing critically acclaimed. Stick to comedy, Jim! You’re not Tom Hanks. Very rare is that actor who can successfully crossover from comedy to drama. Jim was so funny on SNL in October 2014. And his role in 2013’s Burt Wonderstone stole the show. Stick to comedy or stay home, bro.
6. Cameron Diaz
This beautiful blonde bombshell hasn’t done anything good since There’s Something About Mary, way back in 1998. That movie was hilarious and also launched Ben Stiller onto the scene. But since then, Cam has really sucked. She’s been trying, but her big comedies, like Charlie’s Angels and Bad Teacher, fell short of any glowing reviews. And her dramatic efforts are even worse. To think she once acted alongside DiCaprio and Daniel Day in Gangs of New York. What did Scorsese see in her? Don’t feel too bad for Cam, she’s another golden animation voice, and that Shrek franchise will fill her pockets for years to come.
5. Jack Black
This guy is tenaciously annoying. His acting isn’t as bad as his awful band, Tenacious D, but both facets of his career seem dated and overdone. Lots of screaming, eyes popping out, head shaking fits… come on, dude. Even when he tries to play an eccentric character like in 2011’s indie flick Bernie, it just doesn’t work. His normal is weird and his weird is whacko. He’s like an ugly troll version of Will Ferrell. Jack should stick to what he does best, voice animation. Kung-fu Panda’s faces are way easier on the eyes.
4. Will Ferrell
The giant version of Jack Black, perhaps. Both love music, sing very obnoxiously and rely on physical comedy when the jokes are weak, which they usually are. Will has had a brighter career, and he was super hilarious at one point, but he’s older now and the goofy doesn’t work as well as it used to. He had a good run, but even Ron Burgundy knows when to sign off. And maybe Will is changing his focus. The actor recently purchased interest in the LAFC soccer team, and is an official co-owner. Who knew that the 2005 soccer comedy Kicking and Screaming was actually a vehicle for his true passion. Maybe he’ll buy a news station and a NASCAR team next.
3. Kristen Stewart
This girl always looks like that obnoxious teenager who doesn’t like anything anybody says – Little Miss Cool Girl with the pouty mouth and the dark eyes who’s going to go puff a cigarette in the girls bathroom during prom. Does anyone really like her, or are they just watching her films and waiting for her to fail? Well, keep waiting because this girl is blowing up in 2016, with 4 upcoming films according to IMDb. And she’s not afraid to let it all hang out after 2012’s On The Road. So who knows what she’ll do next.
2. Adam Sandler
Buffoon Man has come full circle. One of Sandler’s original stand-up personas has begun to embody his ridiculous career choices lately. In 2002’s Punch Drunk Love, Adam made an honest attempt at a serious role, failed, and ever since then, has been stuck between comedy and drama. And that means he’s neither funny nor believable, a terrible combination on-screen. With additional projects coming, due to his 4-film Netflix deal, Adam is far from over. Let’s just hope that it’s the final 4. He should consider returning to SNL to rediscover his comedic roots, or just stick to voicing animation, which is far more tolerable.
1. Johnny Depp
The original Pirates of the Caribbean, back in 2003, was an awesome flick. The problem is, it was so good that Johnny caught a bad case of Jack Sparrow disease. He liked the character so much that he never let him go and now Depp constantly acts like a drunken pirate. Also, does anyone know why in the world he took the role of Tonto in The Lone Ranger? Man, that was awful, even worse than Mortdecai. And why did he wear that goofy bald cap for Black Mass? It could have been a decent flick if Depp hadn’t worn another one of his over-the-top disguises.