Every man has one to have and to hold. He will work it to exhaustion, and protect it to the ends of the earth. Which is why it’s so head-scratching to learn about the odd things men have done with their members. American Pie made light of young men experimenting with their body parts thanks to Jason Biggs’ encounter with a homemade apple pie. Bad Grandpa showed audiences that even the elderly need a little jumpstart – even if it’s via a vending machine.
But those are movies. Surely no real man would do anything so strange… not! Every guy out there has done questionable things with his member, from measuring it to warming it up. But those are rites of passage. It gets a little more dicey when a certain line is crossed. Many guys get away with a run-in with a zipper or a random hook-up and live to tell about it. But there are worse things men can do… trust us. This list is part cautionary tale, part hilarity, and all entertainment. It counts down the oddest, weirdest, most blood curdling things men have done with their members. Give it a read and see how many things you’ve done – and how many you are afraid to try. Happy reading.
10. Something’s Stuck
Everyone remembers the proctology joke from Seinfeld, when Kramer states that no one ever wants to admit that they stuck something up their rear-end. Well, the same can be said of men’s members. There are plenty of stories recorded in medical journals about the odd things that have had to medically managed by doctors. An Australian man once had a bleeding urethra from sticking a fork inside his member. In another country, a man had a chopstick stuck inside. It gets odder, as he also had a magnet stuck in there which he had used in a vain attempt to free the chopstick. Why did the men cram junk in their junk? They said it was for “pleasure”.
9. Couching It
Men just don’t put things inside their members, they put their members inside strange things as well. Everyone got a laugh when Jason Biggs used the pie in American Pie. It becomes less funny when it happens on your own street. A man was once arrested for making sweet love to a discarded couch on the side of the road. Apparently the thrusting motion he was making was a dead give-away. Bet after this, the man’s wife sentenced him to spend a night or two on the couch. We’re guessing he didn’t mind.
The term objectophilia refers to a person that is sexually aroused by inanimate objects. One such person was featured on an episode of TLC’s My Strange Addiction; he was in love with his car (a Monte Carlo) and was filmed having relations with it. As it turns out, this weirdo isn’t alone. A man in Europe had very expensive tastes, and was caught grinding up against a Land Rover. A man in Washington state claims to have “been with” 1,000 cars. And another man was arrested trying to get busy with an ambulance. Guess these guys got tired of the back seat.
7. Nicknames Galore
Women take a lot of heat for naming their breasts. But men are just as bad. Many have nicknames for their members. This is such a widespread practice that there are webpages dedicated to this art form. Some of the most common include Chief of Staff, Sergeant, Troy and Hercules. Apparently Mini-Me isn’t too popular. Men also like to have fun thinking of slang terms for the word p*nis. Some of the best including Albino Asparagus, Cavehunter, and Little Elvis.
6. Doing Tricks
Men love to see what tricks they can do with their members. Most are adept at helicoptering, stretching and Arabian goggles. But there are some tricks that are only for the advanced. There’s the VW Beetle, the pencil breaker and of course, the knot. The internet is rife with illustrated, step by step guides. It makes you wonder what tricks women can do with their lady bits. It’s a fact that instructors have taught women how to lift weights with their v-jays in order to strengthen their kegel muscles.
A man’s member is like a computer – some days are worse than others. It might need to be re-booted or undergo a virus scan. And that’s just the actual member. Men also need to manage everything that comes out of it. Women are lucky because they go to a gynecologist regularly, but men don’t exactly have that sort of attention. So, they are left fending for themselves through a process of internet searching, and trial and error. If a man is having trouble with the whole drip-dry process after urination, he has to experiment with shaking, yanking, toilet paper and the last resort: the old perineum push. If a man sees some strange excretions, he will put his member on lock-down until he determines if the cause was animal, vegetable or mineral. And if he still can’t figure it out, he’ll take a diagnostic pic and send it to his friends for consultation.
4. Wardrobe Enhancements
Women get to cheat nature all the time and enhance their bustline with everything from push-up bras to toilet paper. Some men do the same thing. They don’t want to admit it, but they spend time picking out their pants to make sure they are showing off just enough. In a time when skinny jeans are in, men are more picky than women about what they wear. Men want to wear pants that show the perfect balance between being well endowed and being brought up on obscenity charges for lewdness. It’s a secret that button-fly pants give some extra-oomph. Men also stuff their pants. Although most women will attest to the fact that they would rather see a man with a bulging back pocket than a bulging front, nothing has stopped men from enhancing their packages with online aids and socks (the old standby).
3. Inflatable Implants
Implants aren’t just for breasts anymore. Men may increase the size of their members by having a penile implant. There are inflatable ones, which work just how they sound – the man pumps it up before a romantic encounter, and lets the air out when not in use. The non-inflatable kind is totally concealed in the body. All the man has to do is bend his member up, and he is ready to go. But this type of implant also means that the man has a permanent erection. Implants are customized, so length or width can be created. A major problem with the implants are the risks of malfunction and infection. Talk about mood killers.
2. Fat Injections
Women often have fat harvested from their body and injected into areas that they want to be plumper, such as their butt or their lips. Men have used this little trick, too. They have fat sucked out of their bodies and implanted into their members. The goal, of course, is for a larger look. Unfortunately, this isn’t a miracle cure. If it was, everyone would be doing it! There are a lot of side effects such as bruising and lumps. Men in Thailand have even been known to inject petroleum jelly and olive oil into their members.
1. Add Cadaver Skin
Donated human tissue has been put to good use for research, and is also used for people suffering from burns and gunshot wounds. But some men use cadaver skin to enhance their members, leading to the creation of the term “zombie p*nis.” There are companies that take this skin and perform a procedure which allows men to widen their members. It is reported to be approved by the American Academy of Phalloplasty Surgeons. The cost is thousands of dollars. If men cringe at the thought of using cadaver skin, there is the option of having skin removed from one’s own forearm.