Ahh, the innocence of youth. There’s nothing in the world more fun that shopping for toys for your kids; they’re colorful and cheery. Kids these days have so many great things to play with. Puzzles, games, stuffed animals, science kits, action figures, dolls, electronics and even mini vehicles made of plastic that they can drive.
The list goes on and on. For many of us, getting lost inside a toy store was our ultimate dream as kids; we hoped we could live there and play with all of the fake guns and make houses out of building bricks to live in forever. There’s something wonderfully nostalgic about walking around the toy store with our children, and letting them pick out a toy from amongst the millions.
From figures with buttons or knobs on their crotches to weird, phallic-looking sex toys, some really strange things have gotten approved by toy companies. Someone came up with this idea and it made it through hours of design, manufacturing and approvals to find its way into the stores where we let our children shop uninhibited.
Toys that you look at and think “How on earth did this even make it past the idea board?” These crazy toys over the years have done everything from causing a stir to outright outrage in the toy aisles.
20. Squeeze Popper Huggables
These adorable stuffed toys are little animals – like pigs, penguins and lions, that you can squeeze. When you do, they shoot a ball out of their mouths that can “shoot up to 20 feet,” according to the packaging. Unfortunately, the packaging says something else entirely different too; when the product is new, the animals all over little plastic straps to keep the balls in place…in their mouths. This ball-gag look has caused hundred of parents to post pictures on social media. The brand new ones look weirdly sexual, and I think most parents would be very uncomfortable giving these to their kids.
19. Dokkiri Toilet Toy
Straight from the strange land of Japan! This weird toy features a tiny plastic toilet in a variety colors. This toy has little pieces of piled up poop that you can fling at people from inside the bowl. The point seems to be just scaring the crap out of your friends (pun intended). These “DokkiriToire” or “surprised toilets” certainly do pack a surprise. There is an alternate version of this toy (still in Japan of course) that comes with a creepy wide-eyed baby who can sit on the toilet and stare creepily into the distance. These toys were made by Bandai, surprisingly.
18. Pee And Poo Plush
This toy is a plush of a drop of pee and another plush of a pile of poop. This weird Swedish toy was invented by Emma Megitt, who was trying to come up with a friendly looking dolls to inspire kids who were being potty trained. These creepy little excrements have googly eyes and weirdly puckered “lips” that would make anyone uncomfortable. Apparently, the plushies are based on the “successful” TV spots and comics that feature the duo. Their website promotes the toys as “friendly” and “cuddly.” However, we’re pretty sure there has never before in the history of the world was anything shaped like a pile of poop cuddly or friendly in any way.
17. Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 Broomstick
The Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 Broomstick made quite the stir back in 2003. Girls went wild for the broomstick, even when they weren’t big fans of Harry Potter. Although the broom looked and played sounds like a kid’s toy, the broom vibrated when you pressed it between your legs, making it the first accidental Harry Potter themed sex toy. Even some sex shops in New York City started selling them, which should have been an indication of something being seriously wrong. The Nimbus was eventually pulled from the shelves after a bunch of parents got really upset. It was pulled from Amazon, which is unfortunate; before its demise, the Nimbus 2000 has a bunch of hilarious reviews from angry parents.
16. The E.T. Finger Light
Back when E.T. phoned home in 1982, it brought with it quite a few pieces of merchandise to promote the movie. The big screen hit spawned a terrible video game for the Atari Gaming System, dolls, t-shirts, plushies, and whatever this thing is supposed to be. Although the toy packaging claims that it is an E.T. finger shaped flashlight, it ended up looking more like a dildo. The toy was made by Kickerbocker, a company that should have known better. Kickerbocker, which started in the 1850s, went out of business in the late 1980s. Maybe it was because their kids toys looked suspiciously like adult toys.
15. Pole Dancer
That was the actual name for this doll, so it shouldn’t come as a shock that this toy is a stripper. It comes with a pole that is attached to a stage. (A great gift for all of the girls that have daddy issues already.) The box says the dancing doll has “style” and “flash.” You can move the doll “up and down” and “go round and round.” The stage apparently plays music, has flashing lights, and the doll has removable clothing; it will show any girl with lack of ambition where she’ll end up without education, I suppose. The toy is apparently a cheaply made toy from Asia; the packaging doesn’t appear to be photoshopped. But somehow, we all desperately hope it was.
14. Lil Monkey
This toy from Costco was an absolutely adorable little Black baby. Her expression was wonderfully rendered, and the doll was well made. However, it had one huge problem with it: it was the one of the most racist toys made after the 1970s. The little girl was dressed in a monkey outfit, with a little hat that said “Lil Monkey” on it. She came with a stuffed monkey and a tiny baby bottle shaped like a freaking banana. Although the makers claimed that the doll was just supposed to be a monkey enthusiast, the racists undertones weren’t missed by anyone who walked by the doll. Costco quickly pulled it from the shelves.
13. Poopy Time Fun Shapes
There have been hundreds of products designed to making it easier to potty train your children; it’s not an easy task. The toilet can be a really scary place for kids. It’s high off of the ground for them and, unlike adults, an actual drowning hazard. However, some of those products just went about the wrong way. Like Poopy Time Fun Shapes. The tube is designed to be shoved into your child’s butt so their poop will come out in fun shapes as it is pushed through the mold. The painful, poorly designed and obviously not tested first “toy” has the tagline “What will your kids poop up?” The answer? Child abuse charges.
12. Baby In A Case
These hyper realistic baby doll children look they were born in the Matrix, crying out for someone to save them. The one on the top right is staring into your soul, begging to be let out of his confinement. The box says “handmade lifelike baby dolls,” but the kid’s face says “a one way ticket to jail.” Carrying one of those things out of the store is almost guaranteed to make sure you get arrested. Note for people who plan to make their own lifelike baby dolls and sell them at market: please don’t use clear plastic bins in the future. Seeing this while walking down an aisle at Walmart would give anyone a heart attack.
11. Screwdriver Punisher
The Punisher in known for doing so pretty messed up stuff, both on TV and in his comic books, but usually he only does it to bad guys. The anti-hero has been known to smash some people’s faces in or disemboweling them before setting their bodies on fire. So, needless to say, he’s not an appropriate role model for kids to be playing with in the first place. However, when he has a giant drill or screwdriver sticking out of his crotch, it becomes even less appropriate for children. The giant phallic drill only was visible as you transformed the Punisher into his “pistol” form.
10. Batman Water Gun
This is THE infamous Batman water gun. The gun with the trigger in Adam West’s crotch. Worse yet, the hole to refill the water gun was right about where Batman’s anus would be, meaning he was bent over like that so your children can insert his butt plug. There also was a Donald Duck and Popeye the Sailor Man version as well, just in case you got tired of playing with Batman. While these toys were from a slightly more “innocent time,” (i.e. before the internet existed), kids still knew what genitalia were. And I think quite a few of them figured it out.
9. Baby Alive
The tagline on the box reads: “She pees and poops!” With an exclamation point. Why is anyone excited that she poops? The doll goes to the bathroom whatever slop you feed her and piddles the water you pour into her mouth. It’s sort of like a real baby; except it can talk in full sentences. The toy is so weird and so gross that we’re honestly surprised they ever sold any. The Baby Alive came in blonde, brunette, and they eventually made an African American one too. Other Baby Alive toys include the Potty Training version where she makes little turds in a tiny plastic toilet. Some kids just can’t wait to grow up and have their own babies.
8. Growing Up Skipper
Growing up is hard to do. There’s all the fun that comes with growing and puberty, discovering what being attracted to someone is like. You get your first crush, pimples, painful growth spurts. It can be a tough time, and the toy industry has been trying to for years to come up with ways parents and kids can have some real discussions about what growing up means and how hard it can be. However hard they might have tried, Growing Up Skipper was not that toy. The girl started out looking as a child, and could “transform” into a teenager and back again in a moment’s notice. With a spin of her arm, Barbie’s little sister Skipper (and there was also a Ginger version) grew a little taller and go a new outfit. She also grew some big old boobs while she was at it.
7. Wonder Woman Scissors
Another superhero with inappropriate toys for children! At first glance, these scissors look vaguely sexual; they seem to be promoting spreading girls legs as an acceptable pastime for children young enough to need safety scissors. Until you see them open. Then all the potential sexiness goes right out the window. The scissors down just spread her legs, but cut her in half, slicing open her stomach and chopping her arm in half. The open scissors look like the aftermath of some terrible torture session or some kind of surgery gone wrong. It’s a great gift for any kid you want to give nightmares to.
6. Peekaboo Poker
Peekaboo Poker is a strip poker set; it boasts several “Peekaboo boy and girl playing cards,” and “the aim of the game is to win as many Peekaboo chips as possible and turn them into outrageously naughty fun.” Trouble is, this game was in the kid’s aisle at Tesco. This game was made for 12 to 14 year olds in the UK. What? It was pulled from the shelves in 2006 when a bunch of angry parents complained because they were trying to promote sex between minors. Seriously, did anyone actually buy this game for children? Anything that has “outrageously naughty fun” written on the box shouldn’t be purchased for anyone younger than 18 years old, please. And certainly not by their parents.
5. Playmobil City Action Bank
This toy set seems like an awesome addition to any toy cityscape. A working ATM, gold bars, a money vault; it’s a pretty cool playset. Until you look a little closer at the two figurines it comes with. The first is a teller. On the front of the box, the panicked teller is handing all of his cash over to the other figure, a bank robber. She’d wearing dark sunglasses and is waving a 9mm in the guy’s face. There’s even some instruction on how the bank robber can clean out the ATM and the vault of everyone else’s money. It’s nice to know there are toys out there for the next generation of bank robbers to learn on.
4. Tub And Toot
This inappropriate toy is designed to sit in shallow water and fart. It comes with a shallow pan that you can fill with water (which will most likely be dumped everywhere). The baby says things like “Uh oh!” when she passes gas. For some inexplicable reason, they also gave this half-naked baby nipples. The toy is not designed to be submerged, so your kids can’t actually bring it into the tub with them. Kind of defeats the purpose doesn’t it? The soundbox is not designed to get wet (poor planning) so if the baby falls back into the water, the voice box will go crazy or break. Not to mention the farting doll is like $50. What a rip off.
3. Dora The Explorer Aqua Pet
The Dora Aqua Pet is actually a tiny version of Dora floating around inside of a what looks like male genitalia. The Dora, unequipped for being submerged for long periods of time with breathing devices or anything, is just drowning as your children watch inside of a phallus. The stand on which it rests is made of two round balls. We’re really curious how this got past the drawing board without a single person raising their hands in objection. The so-called Aqua Pet came in a variety of colors and characters. They were taken off the market and are no longer available. We can’t imagine why!
2. Disney’s Rad Repeatin’ Tarzan
The animated Disney movie Tarzan came out in 1999 and with it came a plethora of toys and other merchandise. Disney loves their dolls, and of course they had to have figures of the new characters. There were several Barbie-style dolls, but that wasn’t enough. Disney wanted the toy to move like Tarzan and make Tarzan like cries. So they put in a chip and got the sounds right. Too bad they didn’t get anything else right. Instead of looking like he was swinging or dancing or fighting, good old Tarzan just looks like he’s masturbating or trying to hurt himself. His hand rises up and smashes into his junk over and over again as he screams monkey noises from his soundbox. That totally should not be a toy for kids. Or anyone else.
1. Peekaboo Pole Dancing Kit
The name should give away exact what was wrong with this toy. A pole dancing kit. For kids. Seriously, how did this make it out of the Tesco board room? The kit came with a “sexy dance garter” and said on the outside of the box “Unleash the sex kitten inside…soon you’ll be flaunting it to the world and earning a fortune in Peekaboo Dance Dollars.” The toy was yanked from the shelves after an influx of angry parents demanded it be removed from toy stores for sexualizing little girls. This isn’t the first time that Tesco has been in trouble with the UK, and given this toy, it won’t be the last!