I have often boldly stated that stereotypes exist for a reason, and I stand by that. I am not excusing people who use them to judge or mistreat others, but I am saying that they have an origin. However, I will just as boldly say here and now that I cannot find one for the whole “dumb blonde” debacle (even Wikipedia cannot explain this essentially baseless stereotype). In fact, recently there was a study published that refutes the entire concept of the dumb blonde, so believe what you will.No matter what any study says, though, I have proof that some blondes remain dumb. I could tell silly, brainless anecdotes about any person with any physical specification- blonde, brunette, white, black, young, old- we all have “oopsie” moments, and most of the time it is all in good, harmless fun.
But every once in awhile, you come across something that is just so WTF that you can’t help but pause and wonder what on earth that person was thinking. Paris Hilton is an excellent example of this, with all her cuckoo talk and even more cuckoo bad (and blonde) behavior. But she will not appear on this list. No, this list is reserved for the everyday blonde who screws up, or whose head is up in the clouds and because of it one of those dreaded “oopsie” moments occurs. I have neglected to include any dumb blonde stories that resulted in serious injury or death in the interest of remaining light-hearted and poking fun at all the lovable, ditzy blondes in our lives.
So let’s have at it. Get ready to learn 16 new and quirky stories about just a few of the dumb blondes who have made headlines (or were “told on” on the Internet…) for nothing but said dumbness.
15. Babysitting Bank Robber
In Colorado, one blonde babysitter took idiocy to a new level when she turned the children she was watching into her partners in crime. Rachel Einspahr and her young charges became bank robbers one day, when she decided she needed to carry out the heist in order to pay back money she’d stolen from her employers. Makes sense. The 28-year-old used the bank’s drive-up service and handed the teller a note saying there was a man in the back of her S.U.V. who wanted money and was threatening to hurt the children. Wow. I am not even a cop and I could tear this girl’s lies apart quite easily. She must be cruel (and dumb) to involve children entrusted to her care (who are clearly old enough to clarify that there was no man in the S.U.V.) and attempt to rob a bank with them, not to mention stealing from your employer to begin with. Perhaps those kids’ parents should have delved a little deeper into the background check on this Rachel character…
14. Girl Costs Dad 80k and His Court Win
In 2011, a man named Patrick Snay sued Miami’s Gulliver Preparatory School for age discrimination when they would not renew his contract. He won a settlement that included $10,000 in back pay, $60,000 for his lawyer, and $80,000 to keep for himself. Well, at least that was how it was supposed to happen. Imagine being so relieved to have won the trial, only to lose it all because of your own daughter’s stupidity. Dana Bray made a bratty post to Facebook that read, “Mama and Papa Snay won the case against Gulliver. Gulliver is now officially paying for my vacation to Europe this summer. SUCK IT.”
Wow, fightin’ words! And words that 1200 of her Facebook friends saw that eventually got back to the school, of course. Mr. Snay’s official win was rescinded due to a breach of confidentiality. He was not even supposed to tell his daughter in the first place, so maybe stupid runs in the family, because if you are going to breach your confidentiality agreement, you should probably tell the person you illegally confided into… oh, I don’t know, not tell anyone else, much less Facebook! I’m willing to bet that young Dana did not get to go on her European vacation that summer…
13. Kayleigh Hill
Name doesn’t ring a bell? Don’t worry, her shenanigans will. Kayleigh Hill, a.k.a the girl who ran out on the baseball field to take a selfie during the game. In the eighth inning of the 2013 Men’s College World Series Final in Omaha, Nebraska, she actually did this. Well, that’s one way to get your 15 minutes of fame!
But in all seriousness, WTF? Nevermind how selfish it is, and that she knew she could screw up the game, but she just had to get that selfie! It was snapped while she was being escorted (dragged) off the field. In this age of immediate gratification and posting every little moment of one’s life online, it is not too shocking. It seems as if people are more attention-hungry than ever, and that these stunts are more commonplace lately. Sad but true, and all I can say is the latest acronym (at least the latest that I figured out): SMH. Quite fitting, I think.
12. Not Smarter Than A 5th Grader
Kellie Pickler‘s 3rd Grade question was: Budapest is the capital of which European country? Her narrative is as follows: “This might be a stupid question…But like, I thought Europe was a country… Let’s see… Budapest… I’ve never even heard of that. Let’s see, I know they speak French there. Like, let’s say… is France a country? I don’t know what I’m doing.” At this point she decides to “copy” the answer from the kid, who had rung his buzzer right away. He got it right- Hungary. Pickler is relieved at her choice, since she says she would have chosen France (huh?), and says, “What? That’s a country? I mean… I knew Turkey was a country, but I’ve never heard of that before.”
Just… wow. I guess it is not that surprising though, when even the man who has a shot at the White House calls Belgium a city (I heard him do it – twice). Sigh.
11. Monkey See, Monkey Do
I’d say this girl learned her lesson. But before she did, the young tourist in Bali found a cute little monkey to take a photo with. So pulled out that beloved selfie stick, smiled, and… monkey attacked! It pulled her hair and freaked her out, and it was all documented via selfie! I can’t help but wonder how she managed to keep taking said selfies with such relatively good angles (capturing both herself and the monkey) while in the midst of such horror. She does look truly terrified, though. Alas, this is why one should never pose with wild animals, not even for the very important and necessary social media post that was likely to follow 2 seconds after being taken. But in the end, this girl wound up with almost the same expression as that damn monkey. Monkey see, monkey do, is all I have to say! At least this way her selfies got way more views, though. That’s important.
10. Lost, But Never Found
One woman described her recent… experience, with stunning nonchalance, given the situation. She decided to show her boyfriend who was boss (clarification: she is) by stealing his keys and hiding them. Where, you ask? Up her hoo-ha, naturally (because that’s the first place I’d think to stash my sharp, jagged, metal keys). Unfortunately for her (and him), she could not locate the keys when she went to retrieve them later. Thinking they were lost somewhere inside of her, she headed to the emergency room (finally, a good decision!). But both she and the doctor were surprised to find that the keys were nowhere to be found within her body, despite her being sure of their location. In the end, she simply figured they must have fallen out. Well, yes, logically that would make sense, but would she not have felt them? Does she not wear panties? I don’t even know what to think- I just give up. That’s all. Moving on.
9. Freelee The Banana Girl
Yes, sadly, this is a real thing… er, person. This one is her own kind of special, and while I am not saying the color of her hair is the reason behind her stupidity (nor an excuse for it), for Freelee especially, it would take a lot more than being blonde to cause this nonsense. Like a mental disorder. Freelee the Banana Girl is a YouTube vlogger who lost weight by eating 30-50 bananas per day, and nothing else. She is a vegan who thinks body fat is toxic, that a vegan diet will cure cancer, and that a woman’s period is the body’s way of cleansing itself of toxins. In fact, her period stopped due to her diet, and she insists she is still ovulating.
What is scary is that she has gained a following and people believe her gospel as if it is medical advice. As one opponent of the Banana Girl stated online, her advice has crossed into “dangerous territory”, since she is seen as a fitness and health guru. But any Google Image search will clearly show her level of insanity in the dozens of ridiculous photos of her posing with bananas, banana peels, dressed as a banana… Her obsession borders on that of those banana-loving Minions of Despicable Me fame.
8. “Lindsay” From Facebook
Thank goodness for social media, or how else would people embarrass themselves on such a large scale? Lindsay, whose last name is blurred out, lost her job due to a Facebook rant. In said rant, Lindsay vents, “OMG I HATE MY JOB!!!! My boss is a total pervvy ****er always making me do **** stuff just to piss me off!” Obviously, Lindsay had forgotten that her boss was also her friend on Facebook. Oops! Boss Brian’s reply was even better than her flip-out: “’Hi Lindsay, I guess you forgot about adding me on here? Firstly, don’t flatter yourself. Secondly, you’ve worked here five months and didn’t work out that I’m gay? I know I don’t prance about the office like a queen, but it’s not exactly a secret. Thirdly, that ‘s*** stuff’ is called your ‘job’, you know, what I pay you to do. And lastly, you also seem to have forgotten that you have two weeks left on your six-month trial period. Don’t bother coming in tomorrow. I’ll pop your P45 in the post and you can come in whenever you like to pick up any stuff you’ve left here. And yes, I’m serious.”
7. Twilight (Time) Zone
Time zones are confusing, I get it. I myself was always confused about the International Date Line, because every time I flew over it, I would wonder to myself how it all worked. Had I just flown across an invisible divider between days? Well, I am not alone in my confusion, apparently (and I would use myself as example of the oh-so dumb, but alas, I am brunette). Anyway, one college student reports that a girl in his class (blonde, of course) said during a lesson about time zones: “If China is 12 hours ahead of us, why didn’t they warn us about 9/11?”
There are so many things wrong with this, where do I even begin? There is the obvious, that they are ahead of us in time, yes, but they are not some all-knowing and psychic beings. That’s not really how time zones work (and why are college students learning about time zones, anyway?). Fun fact: China does not do time zones! It is wider than America but uses only one time for the entire country.
6. Locked Out… But Not Really
One internet user regaled his run-in with a ditzy blonde. One day he came across the girl we are about to make fun of crying beside her car, so naturally he asked if she needed help. She said, “I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?” He did not know, but took her car remote and keys from her, then proceeded to manually unlock her driver’s side door. Then he said, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries…it’s a long walk.”
The idiot girl was apparently crying because she thought she was locked out of her car since her remote batteries were dead, even though she was holding the actual keys. Wow. I think more than anything that this speaks mostly to the inherent laziness of young people nowadays so that the thought of using actual keys does not even cross their minds, more than it does the fact that she was a blonde, but geez.
5. LaLa Land
I read a story about one very dumb blonde. Perhaps it was just this once… or perhaps not. But in any case, this one “blonde moment” by this actual blonde could have wound up way worse than it did. Told by the culprit herself, she recants a story about the day she was helping her sister get out of a crunched parallel park. After church that Sunday, her sister got behind the wheel while our blonde friend stood behind the car to signal when to stop backing up (apparently they were in a “huge rush” to get to another church).
Well, she claims to have gotten “so carried away” waving her arms, that she forgot to actually stop waving them, until she felt her legs “squish” between the back bumper of her sister’s car and the front bumper of the other car. She does not allude to being seriously injured, just more embarrassed it happened. Uh, yeah, I would say so. How was she so far off in LaLa Land over those few seconds that she forgot to tell her sister to stop? At least even she recognized this as a blonde moment/brain fart. Luckily for all involved, the moment was one to laugh off and nothing more. Whew!
4. Eye Drops For Toes
A pharmacist had this funny story to tell on a forum for people to vent about rude customers: a blonde teenager had come in with a prescription for eye drops to treat her toenail infection. Little known fact: many times podiatrists will prescribe eye or ear drops to treat such conditions. Well, while waiting for clarification of the doctor’s instructions (because the girl insisted she put the drops in her eye, not on her toe) she got all in a huff and insisted that the eye drops go in her eye, over and over again.
This actually sounds quite logical, and the instructions had said only to dispense the drops evenly over the affected area. By the time the doctor replied, the girl had become so rude that the pharmacist told her to go somewhere else. And just because we’re dying to know what happened, I’m sure, Blondie was wrong and the eye drops were to be applied to her toe. The pharmacist closed her story with, “Hopefully, sometime in the not-so-distant future, I hope she tries to treat her toenail by putting eye drops in her eye… It would serve the little brat right to get gangrene…” Ha! I just love it when people who think they know everything are wrong!
3. Ooh, Burn!
In Los Angeles, California, a woman decided one day to try and take care of her bug infestation problem by herself. Rather than call an exterminator, this brave blonde activated over 30 fogger-style “bug bombs” inside of her home. However, an ignition source triggered an explosion and she wound up being burned. Her windows were also shattered, and her roof lifted about 3 inches. According to the fire spokesman, no more than 3 or 4 of the foggers should have been used at one time, and when all was said and done, the blast caused roughly $30,000 in damage to the 800-square-foot home. Pretty sure an exterminator would have been cheaper. Just sayin’.
2. Say, What Now?
One girl is just simply clueless; there is no other way to explain it. She proved her own stupidity (repeatedly) on Twitter, as so many do, though not to this extent. I was skeptical if this was real or not until I realized that that is a real card she is showing off. Here is what happened: First, she was apparently shopping online, and tweeted: “The code on the back of my card is 388 why is everyone asking? Smh.” Then, she proceeds to post a photo of the actual debit card, number and all, clear as day, commenting on how she loves the blue color. Her final tweet on the subject, coming a few weeks later, is: “Had to cancel my old debit card. Apparently someone else was using it. Whatever. This one is cute, too.”
This, followed by a photo of new card (yes, seriously), which is not the “cute blue” like the other one, but white. I don’t even know what to say. Do schools need to start teaching common sense? It likely cannot be taught, unfortunately. Shame.
1. Drug-Dealing Dummy
One middle-aged woman was arrested in Texas after she took her car in for work and the mechanic called the police to report 18 packages of marijuana hidden inside the engine compartment. She had brought her car in for an oil change that day, and the police later told news outlets that the woman said to him that she hadn’t realized the mechanic would have to lift the hood to change the oil. Right… Drug possession, drug distribution (or at least the intent to), and admitting it to the cops (though really, an admission of guilt was probably not needed to charge her). Idiocy at its finest, folks.