They go by many names: ISIS, ISIL, Daesh, The Islamic State. Obama calls them “The JV Team.” They’re an organization so extreme, Al-Qaida thinks they’re lunatics. We all wish they would go away. As much as I hate to say it; they’re here, and they’re here to stay. If you’re unfortunate enough to live in Germany, they could be moving in next door. Whatever the case may be, we’ll most likely be dealing with their bullshit for a long, long time.
Operating as a Jihadist fringe group under many names since 1999, the ISIL formerly known as ISI rose to prominence after the outbreak of the Syrian Civil war. On June 29, 2014, The Islamic State declared itself a world wide Caliphate under the theocratic leadership of Abu-Bakr Al-Baghdadi. People were like, “whatever.” But on August 19, 2014, they captured the worlds undivided attention with the public beheading of American journalist James Foley. Today we know that this was just the beginning of an endless series of increasingly brutal executions to come.
Researching ISIS is a lot like reading the script for a Secret Agent B-Movie. I feel like it’s only a matter of time before these guys resort to sharks with laser beams on their heads. I hope that you read onward not just to satisfy your own morbid curiosity, but to perhaps gain a greater appreciation for the fragile temperance and overall good will that is to be found in Western Society. The freedom of speech, of religion, and a (for the most part) just legal system is a comparative miracle when seen through the wide lens of human history. Our lack of upbringing under the heel of a ruthless ideology is all that keeps humankind from the abyss.
13. HALAL-STYLE RAMBO KNIFE BEHEADING
“The Arabic word halal means permissible, and the rules of slaughter are based on Islamic law. The animal has to be alive and healthy, a Muslim has to perform the slaughter in the appropriate ritual manner, and the animal’s throat must be cut by a sharp knife severing the carotid artery, jugular vein and windpipe in a single swipe. Blood must be drained out of the carcass.” -The Guardian
Muslims follow strict codes in the preparation of food, and I couldn’t help noticing that one of the most common execution methods favored by ISIS would almost be considered Halal if applied to an animal. Unfortunately it’s a terribly painful way to die. They often saw at their victims neck with a dull knife, then get bored and just rip the head off the rest of the way before posing next to the body like an African trophy hunter.
12. KALASHNIKOV CONGO LINE
Shooting somebody to death isn’t particularly remarkable, but the sheer lack of respect for life in this method of execution is what makes it so terrible. When ISIS has too many people to kill, and too little time, they like to get a big group together and force them to dig their own grave. (If the body count will be very high, sometimes the grave is pre dug with a bulldozer.) They then make everyone lay down in the ditch, so a brave soldier of Allah can walk down the line shooting each defenseless person in the back of the head. They may keep a few people alive just long enough to bury the others, so the soldiers don’t have to do the work of shoveling dirt themselves.
11. TANK FROGGER
Easily one of the most horrific ISIS executions to date. A man in white talks and points accusingly behind another unfortunate orange clad prisoner. The terrorist wears glasses, and has a few pens in his breast pocket (which I presume are for writing down new sadistic ideas as they occur to him.) The video proceeds to a shot of a tank rolling towards camera, before cutting to roadside footage of the tank flattening the prisoner beneath its treads. His legs are bound, and to me the saddest part of the whole thing are the three little hops he takes in an attempt to get out of the way before he is crushed. There is no censorship; the camera gives us a long close look at his fractured legs and brain matter on the pavement.
10. DUNK TILL DEAD
If you’ve been listening to Donald Trump talk about ISIS, chances are you’ve heard of this one. Every time he mentions radical Islamic terror, Trump invariably says “They’re chopping off heads, they’re drowning people in cages, they’re animals. You haven’t seen this kind of thing since medieval times. Medieval times!!” Unfortunately this isn’t just another Donald Trump exaggeration. They did drown people in a cage. But before they did, ISIS made sure to have a dramatic shot of themselves putting a huge padlock on the door. I also noticed they took the time to weld metal arms to the outside of the cage, in order to hold extra cameras for better angles of the underwater dying footage.
We don’t know how much time passed before they brought the cage back up. One man was still moving. The camera zooms in on his face as white foam bubbles from his mouth and nose before he finally dies. Since the time I was a teenager, I’ve often typed things into Google I would later regret. Compelled by adolescent curiosity, I’ve seen footage of many people violently killed at the cost of my innocence. Even so, that was an image I really wish I could forget. #GoogleAtYourOwnRisk
9. BLAST STRIP YOUR HEAD OFF
Blast Strip Your Head Off™ is another ISIS® classic featured in the very same video as the cage drowning. Here we see that the creative minds behind the ski masks have come up with something truly special. They take a long rope of explosive wire (which I assume was designed for demolition purposes) and tie it around seven prisoners necks to form a chain gang. The prisoners kneel on the ground, and the wire is detonated; popping their heads off like a champaign cork. One of the heads flies directly towards the camera. The prisoners crumpled bodes lay on the ground as tiny fires break out in patches of dry grass.
8. THROW GAY PEOPLE OFF THE ROOF
ISIS territory is definitely one of the least fabulous places to be on the planet. Even though sex between old men and little boys is commonplace throughout the region, it becomes a mortal sin once they become a certain age. This behavior is not very surprising considering the extremes they go through to guard the chastity of women. Girls have to be supervised by family at all times, and their dowry is worthless unless their hymen is intact. Little boys can be taken anywhere, and it’s generally not considered gay if you’re the one on top.
However, I believe some people are definitely born gay. If you happen to be born gay in the Middle East, you’re out of luck. These fellows were either accused of being gay, or legitimately discovered. ISIS tossed them from the roof of a building. The whole town came out to watch, too. They participated in the fun by throwing rocks at the dead bodies.
It’s a party.
7. MORTAR BLING NECKLACE
Here our prisoners find themselves in a situation that seems more fitting in an episode of Loony Tunes than real life. They wear the typical orange jumpsuit, with a live mortar round tied about their necks. The thing that irritates me the most about this execution is I know ISIS doesn’t have any lack of ammo for them to be wasting perfectly good explosives on a stunt like this. Yet everyone knows that a piece of metal with tail fins is a bomb, and it makes for a powerful image. The ordinance is heavy, like a proverbial albatross that symbolizes their transgressions against the Caliphate. The Ancient Mariner suffered long for what he did, but thankfully these prisoners deaths were swift.
6. RPG YOU IN A CAR AND WATCH YOU BURN ALIVE
Three prisoners are taken to a four door lemon out in the desert. One terrorist holds a man by the back of the neck as he looks in the camera and is forced to say some stuff that probably translates to: “I’m sorry. I’m a bad guy. Islamic State is awesome. Allah is awesome. America sucks. Goodbye.”
They are shoved into the car and handcuffed to the door handles. An over the shoulder shot shows a brave lion of Islam holding a Rocket Propelled Grenade launcher. He takes aim at the unmoving vehicle and miraculously scores a direct hit upon it from extremely close range. The weapon doesn’t damage the car very much, but the interior quickly becomes consumed in flames. The Jihadist stands proudly as we hear the terrified screams of the prisoners as they burn, and die.
5. REALLY. BIG. ROCKET.
ISIS is clearly getting bored here. This time they huddle some prisoners together on a craggy hillside, load a REALLY BIG ROCKET into a tube, and fire it at them.
There really isn’t much more to say about that.
4. BLOW YOU UP IN A BOAT
What could be more peaceful than a pleasant day out on the water? The ocean breeze, the sound of seagulls, the wind in your hair… Surely nothing could be more relaxing, except the silent stillness of death. “Shooting them is boring. Car bombs are boring… It’s definitely time to send them to Davy Jones locker.” Many brave men have died at sea, and now the victims of ISIS are among them. Here we have a simple set up:
Step 1: Put explosives on a boat
Step 2: Put prisoners on the boat
Step 3: Detonate explosives on the boat that the prisoners are also on.
Step 4: Prophet
3. TIE A GO PRO TO A MANS HEAD AND SHOOT HIM OUT OF A TOWER
A lot of people see those Go Pro commercials and buy one only to be disappointed about how boring their lives are. ISIS took a cue from Go Pro, and thought it would be the perfect way to show how exciting your death can be! Now we get to experience the thrill of being murdered by ISIS from the first person perspective.
A man is forced to climb what seems like a radio tower with a Go-Pro on his head. He reaches the top, and before he gets a chance to jump somebody gets impatient and shoots him a couple of times. He falls down the center of the tower, bouncing off the metal bars like a human pachinko ball. Sadly, the Go Pro might have been broken on the way down, because footage from the prisoners perspective was strangely never shown.
Go Pro: Be a
2. CAR BOMB DETONATED BY A TODDLER
Here we are near the end of this list, and I have to say that the horrible ways they harm others isn’t even the worst thing ISIS does. The most despicable thing these bastards do is get children involved. Yes, right now, from the moment little boys are old enough to walk they are training them to be efficient killers, and brainwashing them to be complete and total psychopaths. There are dozens of videos that show pistol killings carried out by children.
In this example we have a business as usual car bomb execution. We’re out in the desert, having a nice afternoon…we stick some poor enemy of the umma into a Ford POS and get ready to blow him up. Meanwhile a Jihadi dude points his finger and threatens David Cameron with an adorable little boy beside him. The toddler is decked out in a full mini Jihadi outfit, and even learns how to point his finger in that special way. When it comes time to detonate the car bomb. The man hands the button to the toddler, who happily presses it, blowing the man to smithereens. “Allahu Akbar!” The child shouts in his tiny voice.
He is proud of what he has done.
1. HIDE AND GO SHIEK
This is easily one of the worst videos on the internet. I felt dirty after watching it. Afterwards I curled up into the fetal position in my shower, rocked back and forth and mumbled to myself for thirty minutes.
The video is very well shot, in full HD, and extremely well edited. The ISIS Propaganda team blows UCLA film students out of the water. It opens on the desert, where a bunch of young kids are facing an instructor and having class outside. That’s cute! But they’re not learning spelling; this is Jihad school. Their teacher has an AK variant machine gun at his side. He points his finger (big surprise) and lectures authoritatively about something in Arabic.
Next we see introduction shots of each of the kids. They’re pumped up! They each have a little speech they shout at the camera, as if they were contestants on a Nickelodeon gameshow and they can’t wait find The Lost Logbooks of Magellan. Yes, there are ancient ruins to explore, but no they won’t be solving any puzzles or learning historical facts.
Each kid has their turn. Clad in sandals and a ski mask, they approach the entrance to the maze. A fat Jihadist hands them the only tool they’ll need in their quest: a Glock pistol. One by one they scurry about until they find a tied up man and… shoot him in the head. The last (and youngest) child has a voice that sounds like he just inhaled an entire helium balloon. The little elf of death stalks around with the gun like all the others, but when he finds his prey…
he cuts his prisoners head off with a knife.