Getting aroused is one of the most relatable things out there. Few things feel better than a sweet wank after a long, hard day at the office. Or, if you’re like some people, you’ve had some time with Palmela Handerson in the office bathroom!
After all, “The Boss makes a dollar, you make a dime, that’s why you [wank] on company time!”
Masturbation is typically a very private thing. It’s the only time guys will check their headphone jack four times to make sure their earbuds are plugged in. It’s also the only activity that a man will stop in the middle of when he hears a pin drop two floors down. It’s even the only time a guy moisturizes…the palm of his dominant hand, anyway. It’s even a great way to pass the time when you’ve got an hour to kill.
It is also a rabbit hole of terrifying, confusing thoughts that you’re stuck navigating completely alone. Or maybe you’re not alone (if you get my drift!). Check out this list of some of the weirdest, sickest things guys think about when they masturbate. It’s everything from “weird” to “give us a bucket we’re going to throw up.” Maybe you won’t feel so alone after reading some of these. But this is also your first and last warning. If you pass beyond this point, you will not be able to stop reading. This article will drag you to the end like it has a tentacled vice grip on your member. You’ve been warned.
10. Cuckold and Humiliation
If you are not familiar with this genre, let us explain. This is where your ‘best friend’ has sex with your girlfriend. Sometimes it is your wife that has sex with your boss to get you a raise. Other times it’s where your girlfriend has sex with strangers and makes you watch it, or film it, or clean up after they finish on her. Why this is appealing?
Apparently a little bit of shame or inadequacy really turns some guys on. It’s definitely unusual, but as far as this list goes, cuckolding is pretty tame. If it turns you on, who are we to judge? You do you, man. If it doesn’t get you going, well, there’s plenty more where that came from.
9. All In the Family
This one is significantly weirder than wanting to be humiliated by your significant other. It’s incest. This is where you’re thinking of your hot sister, or your mom, or your aunt while you get down and dirty. Or maybe you’re thinking about your dad or your brother. Whoever it is, it’s someone in your family, to whom you are related. Bit of an oedipus complex going on with this. Keep in mind, we’re just talking about people who think about incest as they’re jerking off, not people actually having sex with their family members. Thinking, instead of doing, makes it slightly better.
8. Send in the Clowns
This one seems horrid, but for the most benign reason. Clowns are scary. Still, some people think about clowns when they masturbate, and as a result, clown p*rn is a thing.
Has anyone seen the movie It? Can clown porn fans still get a boner after watching that movie? For those of you who don’t know It (the movie), it’s based on a Stephen King novel. Basically (spoiler) there’s a monster ghost clown living in the sewers and he’s trying to hunt down and eat a group of kids. It’s scarier than we make it sound. We wonder what the porn spinoff movie would be called…Tit the clown? Sounds hot!
7. Lubey Toons
Instead of looking at real people having sex, or thinking about a hot sister, or imagining a stranger having sex with a wife, some people watch cartoons! And we don’t mean Saturday morning cartoons! Well, not the ones that would air on tv, anyway.
This is a real thing, and a fairly popular thing at that. Participants imagine their favorite cartoon characters naked and getting freaky. It could be any character, from Lois Griffin of Family Guy to Princess Jasmine of Aladdin. Whatever floats your boat! It’s really only as weird as you make it. We made it about a seven on the weird scale.
6. Monster Mash
Things get a little weirder than just cartoons. At least with cartoons there’s a chance for humanoid characters and animated characters that (mostly) resemble real people. There is a whole other world of imaginative sexual encounters that people fantasize about. Monsters and women.
It’s called the monster or Kaiju genre. It deals with all kinds of monsters: dragons, Godzilla, Demons, ogres and even dinosaurs. No monster (or woman) is safe from the grasp of Kaiju. There’s another offshoot that’s centered around tentacles. Tentacles penetrate all kinds of holes on a woman in those fantasies. We wonder if Godzilla 2 will feature a human-humping sub plot.
5. Man’s Best Friend
Time to come back to the real world. Here’s hoping we don’t regret it. We’re halfway through the list now. It’s important to see the light at the end of the tunnel because this list takes a dark turn. Thing number five? Bestiality.
This is some weird stuff. There’s always a joke about the village idiot or the country bumpkin spending too much time with his sheep. In the case of bestiality, it’s usually dogs, or horses, or goats. The idea is the same though. Animals have sex with humans, usually women. People think about that while they jerk off. In their barn. With their dogs. No thank you!
So just when you thought we hit our lowest point, we’re about to make it weirder! Are you familiar with felching? If you are, you’re ahead of the curve. If you’re not, we’re sorry to do this to you. We’ll take it slow.
It involves a straw. It involves people. It involves semen. It involves a mouth, some reproductive areas and some sucking.
Someone uses a straw to slurp the semen out of a vagina (…or the backdoor). Yikes. I guess there really is something out there for everyone. How do you even work that into your contract negotiations?
3. Not My Favorite Toy!
This next one is sick and potentially damaging to your childhood. Maybe you had a favorite toy that one day wasn’t the same anymore. It had a crusty glaze and the movable joints were all stiff! And maybe you had a wacky uncle that liked to play with your toys alone. And maybe your family doesn’t talk to your wacky uncle anymore. Maybe your uncle is one of the people that likes to cover toys with their manyonnaise! This is a real thing, and no toy is safe! G.I. Joes, barbies, you can find videos of all the big toy names getting finished on. People like to do it, and people like to think about it when they masturbate. It’s really a big mess.
2. Number Two
We didn’t forget to label this one. That was deliberate. Get it yet?
Yeah. Poop. Sorry, it had to happen. No self-respecting “sick sex thoughts” list avoids covering the filthiness of human excrement and sex. An act we are affectionately dubbing “sexcrement” (too easy. also, already a thing). So, somehow, people can masturbate to the thought of people pooping and peeing on each other, or doing weird things with poop. Sometimes people rub it on their face like an exfoliating mask (as seen in lezpoo episodes. NSFW. let the name sink in for crying out loud). Other times, they top off this nasty sex with some vomiting. Real quality stuff here, in this potty party.
This is number one because it’s hard to get more sick than sexually violating someone. Yeah, poop in a mouth and rubbed on a face is definitely sick. But aside from a terrible case of pinkeye and a foul-smelling film set, it’s harmless. Rape is a detrimental, life-altering act. As a result, it makes our number one slot for sickest things guys think about when they get it off. The silver lining is that they’re only thinking about it. That may not sound like a silver lining, but it’s much better to think about it all the time than to do it once.