Tinfoil is a wonderful short-term storage solution, especially for foodstuffs. It does not, however, make for a fitting or ideal protection from alien death rays or so-called government detection efforts. Many people believe that there is more to the world than meets the eye. This conviction can be a barometer of healthy suspicion, but it can also indicate a good dose of stupidity. Whispers of secret organizations, cover ups, faked deaths, and even the odd celebrity (or Presidential murder) will worms into the larger public consciousness.
Sometimes they almost become a standard unofficial version of events. Conspiracy theories have thrived online and entered the common vernacular of our culture to the extent that everyone is desensitized to the fetid reek of BS! From rumours that the Apollo 11 mission was faked, to Area 51’s covert interactions with extraterrestrial life, to the Royal Family’s “assassination” of Princess Diana, to J. Edgar Hoover’s murder of J.F.K., to, most recently, the US government’s involvement in 9-11 and its creation of ISIS. Theories and hearsay are as compelling as they are divisive.
We are almost fluent in some of the more popular threads of history’s alternate narratives. Among the most populist of conspiracy theories, there are some that are hair-raising and idiotic that it would wrinkle even the sturdiest of tin foil hats! Here are a clutch of those bizarre and eyebrow raising whispers… the truth is out there… but it’s doubtfully in here!
10. Michelle Obama, The First ‘Man!’
Michelle Obama is as revered as the first African American First Lady and matriarch of the first African American family to take residence in the White House. Getting through law school and challenging a nation that, when she was born, was so hostile to her race definitely takes balls. Yet some oddballs have taken this metaphor a tad too literally. Those who subscribe to this theory have some rather flaccid evidence to back up their premise. They say that Anime drawings of men have the same proportions as the First Lady.
There are also no pictures of Michelle Obama from when she was pregnant, inciting rumour that the Presidential couple adopted its daughters. Finally, in a theory that would have worked as one of the late comedienne’s punch lines, Joan Rivers allegedly met her demise under the surgeon’s knife for voicing this conspiracy. Man, oh man! It seems the US elite will go to any lengths to conceal this cock-and-ball (sic) story…
9. Poison Snow Came Down on Georgia
Being unused to snowfall, Atlanta definitely spawned some flaky ideas around it in 2014, in the midst of car crashes and general pandemonium during a freak snowstorm. Georgians readily went online, posting videos of people trying to melt snow by microwaving and taking blowtorches to it. The footage appeared to show how the snow would resist melting, apparently deforming itself hideously; burning and twisting. Whenever a good conspiracy theory appears, people to debunk the foolishness with sober aplomb materialize. Snow, blackened by the soot produced by the lighter flame, only gives off the illusion of not actually melting. It actually turns into slush. Seems as if the culprit for the unusual Georgian blizzard was that dastardly ally of the Illuminati, Mother Nature!
8. Saddam Hussein Has A Star Gate
The US led invasion of Iraq remains one of the most contentious issues of the modern era, dividing opinion and ensuring that the tenures of George Bush and Tony Blair cast long and damaging shadows. The official line is that the tyrannical ruler of Iraq, Saddam Hussein, harbored weapons of mass destruction. Most people, however, believe that the money grabbing cabal of Bush/Blair was after Iraqi oil fields. Nevertheless, the incursion destabilized the region. Illuminati conspiracy nuts cried deception. They maintain that the true reason driving the West’s invasion was that the Iraqi dictator in fact was in possession of a Star Gate, an item made famous by a 90s movie of the same name. Gifted to him by the Anunnaki from planet Nibiru, the device was supposed to facilitate the alien invasion of earth, yet the New World Order intervened and put a stop to it… well done Nash, Hall and Hogan!
7. Hilary’s 2016 Logo Evokes 9/11
No conspiracy countdown would be complete without at least giving a nod to the 9-11 Truthers. The allegation is that the Bush regime orchestrated the Al-Qaeda attacks on September 11th 2001, even though President Bush probably had trouble tying his own shoe laces, let alone masterminding a terrorist attack. People now think that Hillary Clinton‘s 2016 logo, which combines her initial with an arrow to symbolize progress, is a subtle reminder of the 2001 attacks. It is meant, according to them, to remind people whom the real culprits are. There are incidents of people reading too much into things and then there is this!
6. Siri’s i-Pocalypse
Apple’s voice-activated question and answer program, Siri, is a revolutionary addition to an already groundbreaking device. It has however been known to throw out the odd curve ball when providing a response. In July 2014, Apple users inquiring what date it was weren’t prepared for Siri’s rather unsettling promise of fire and brimstone. Siri logged July 27th 2014 as the day when the gates of Hades were due to open, a theory attributed to a Chinese ghost month or the end of Ramadan, when the gates of hell are said to split. Yet this glitch, if it even existed, is probably more due to programmers partaking in Apple Schnapps at lunch rather than some good ole apple pie.
5. April Bloody Fool
April is the middle of spring. It is when blossoms timidly poke back through the soil after the harsh government of winter has fallen and green rules the earth once again… April Fools! A month that is often Godly, it usually being the month of Easter, is in fact a vicious time of blood and violence, or so folk knowledge would say. Due to a number of tragedies occurring in April (the Oklahoma bombing, Waco and Columbine, Hitler’s birthday) conspiracy theorists argue that April 19th is the centre of some New World Order spree of chaos. They think that the month in fact sets the stage for a callous four weeks. They obviously believe that the government (who else?) is orchestrating such mayhem, growing so powerful as to manufacture the Nepal earthquake in order to sate its endless bloodlust.
4. Occupying Cult
It is unlikely that there is a less commercial movement than Occupy, spearheaded and initiated by the Occupy Wall Street organization. Yet even this revolutionary clique isn’t immune from conspiracy theory suspicion. Because the Zeitgeist Movement and Occupy Wall Street share many of the similar characteristics of the left, for instance a greater movement towards collective unity of the people, a paranoid bunch of folks seem to believe that there is collusion between these two organizations (a similar ideology must mean being in cahoots.) Far-right theorists assert that Anonymous and Occupy are organized by Canadians in order to send the US into disarray and eventually Civil War.
3. Conspiratorial “Phantom Time” Theory
Time wears on, doesn’t it? As fast as it goes on its own, theorists maintain that the world has been subjected to an extra three centuries of the enduring passage of time. Heribert Illig, a German historian in the 1980s, posited that 300 years on the calendar have merely been invented (so the year is 1715, not 2015). Historians and archaeologists have been in cahoots in concealing this secret. The basis for this bizarre line of reasoning is that Herr Illig noted that hardly any historical events occurred between the years 614 to 911 AD (there’s 9-11 again… ). However simple tracking records of Halley’s Comet (which Chinese astronomers have gone through great pains to watch throughout the years) provide proof that those rather dull and lagging three hundred years did in fact exist.
2. Hitler Is Alive
Adolf Hitler, German Chancellor, Fuhrer, and leader of the Nazi Party in Germany between 1933 and 1945, is a man whose actions catalyzed World War II. The fact is the despot died in 1945, mired in his Berlin bunker, with all of the Allied forces converging on him. Rather than face capture, Hitler committed suicide. However, this is all a lie, according to some conspiracy theories. In the 1970s, gossip said that Hitler was still alive. Many people believed and still believe it, even though, if he was still alive, the tyrant would now have defied all modern science as we understand it, being 126-years-old. However a trifling matter such as age is not to be sniffed at by these people. Adolf is obviously a cyborg or living on a moon base, but he definitely isn’t dead!
1. Hell On Earth (In Denver)
Waiting at airports is a veritable nightmare. There is baggage, boarding, and, worst of all, delays. The horror! But some people believe this to be literally true of the airport in Denver. According to them, the runway structures appear to resemble the Swastika. The airport decor is also dotted with bizarre symbols that are believed to be connected to the plan to issue Hepatitis B for use in biological warfare. There is also a weird marker over a time capsule due to be opened in 2094, making mention of the New World Airport Commission (an organisation that doesn’t actually exist). In addition to underground tram tunnels that have never worked, which legitimize whispers about a subterranean network, there is also an ominous 32 foot statue of a rampant horse rearing that actually killed its designer when the head fell onto the designer’s leg and severed a leg artery.