Ever since the advent of reality television, entertainment consumers have been hip to the artifice of reality. Before Real World, we earnestly believed that all relationships in Hollywood were fairytale and true, even if a husband’s visits to bathhouses and backrooms were an open secret. More recently, we have become aware that sometimes, relationships are simply convenient. They hype a movie, a show, or the release of an album. They inject the product release with an irresistible element of human interest, because nothing is more interesting to us than love and sex.
But in this case, these relationships are more than just sham flings (Henry Cavill and Kaley Cuoco, ahem) to promote something. Well, technically they are promoting something: the male stud’s alleged heterosexuality. For every person claiming that such and such an actor is gay, there are five people going: “But he has a girlfriend!” (As if that’s any sort of excuse. I’d much rather eat chocolate than broccoli, but I force myself to eat broccoli because it’s better than chocolate for my form, aka my career in this analogy). Moreso than speaking without a lisp, wearing a chunky watch, and not using makeup, having a girlfriend is the ultimate crowd-pleaser in terms of faking straight.
Also, as we will see, being a bachelor (I’d argue exclusively because of Christopher Isherwood’s A Single Man) is apparently a huge indicator of homosexuality.
Without further delay, let’s jump right into 10 Allegedly Gay Celebs In Straight Relationships.
10. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes
Family Guy puts the gay rumors that have followed Tom Cruise for his entire career, through marriages to both Nicole Kidman and Katie Holmes, so succinctly. Peter Griffin says: “Brian, that’s more ridiculous than the theory of why Tom Cruise runs in all his movies.” It then cuts to Tom Cruise on set of a new film. A burly sound tech is holding up a boom. Tom Cruise thinks: “That camera man has nice strong arms.” He then runs away from the thought bubble, yelling out: “You can’t catch me, gay thoughts!” They couldn’t catch him, through his marriages, either, apparently. But what could catch him were the rumors: people incessantly speculate that he is a homosexual, making the pretty, young Katie Holmes his beard, and his daughter Suri just physical proof of his virility.
9. George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin-Clooney
George Clooney has been married to Amal Alamuddin-Clooney since 2014. Unfortunately for her, he’s been gay since birth – ALLEGEDLY. Clooney has always been plagued by gay rumors. He’s handsome, he’s charming, he’s groomed, much like the cosmopolitan gay man that exists in the public consciousness. But it’s also because up until recently, he hadn’t been married since 1993, spending his most handsome years as a total Hollywood eligible bachelor who was, coincidentally, hardly ever seen with women. It didn’t help that apparently he would take his agent to Lake Cuomo, ironically referred to as “Lake Homo”, where they could cavort away from prying eyes.
8. Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith
This entry is fun because allegedly it’s a marriage of convenience for both members: Will hides his homosexuality with Jada, and vice-versa. Alexis Arquette, the transsexual sister of Patricia and David, says that Will Smith’s first marriage to Sheree Fletcher ended because she walked in on him and his “Sugar Daddy”, allegedly Benny Medina. Sheree Fletcher obviously came out saying this was malarky, but it’s interesting to ponder. Jada Pinkett-Smith’s rumors have less of a narrative, relying more on tropes of tough lesbianism, where Pinkett-Smith’s famed fitness fit in quite well (she is surprisingly buff).
7. Diddy and Cassie
Y’all remember Cassie, don’t you? She’s a one-hit wonder from like 2006, best-known for her song “Me & U”. If you’ve ever wondered what she’s been doing since then, she’s been dating Diddy. Or at least she was until recently; they broke up back in December. And what has Diddy been doing over the past ten years? He made that song, “Coming Home” with Skylar Grey… But aside from that? Well, for one, he was investigated by the feds in 2013 for having carnal relations with underaged boys. Nothing ever came of it. But Diddy is also one of the most influential people in Hollywood. He had a gossip blog deleted because it was publishing inconvenient content about him. Maybe he covered up some saucy uncoverings that would’ve endangered his very lucrative business deals.
6. Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough
Here is another relationship that was widely, and I mean WIDELY believed to be fake. Like it isn’t just one for the kooky, albeit probably right conspiracy theories found online. Reports state that the hardest working man in Hollywood’s relationship with the dancer-turned-singer ended for just that reason: Ryan Seacrest‘s hard work meant that Julianne Hough couldn’t have the lowkey life that she wanted. But allegedly, it was more that even the best-paid, highest-profile beard in Hollywood needs a little bit of attention from time to time, even if that attention probably isn’t coming in the form of physical intimacy. After their split, Hough allegedly had thousands and thousands of dollars of jewelry stolen from her car, which some people believe she actually sold but claimed was stolen so that Seacrest couldn’t ask for it back.
5. Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon
Jake Gyllenhaal is arguably best-known for playing Jack Twist, the gay lover to Heath Ledger‘s Ennis Del Mar in the 2005 movie Brokeback Mountain. Now the question is: does life imitate art? In other words, is Hollywood’s hunkiest hottie actually gay? He dated Reese Witherspoon from 2006 to 2009. He has even stated publicly that she is one of the only women he’s ever truly loved. Perhaps it’s because he has a propensity towards men… Just sayin’. Part of the reason behind these rumors (again, aside from the super famous steamy gay role) is Jake’s lifelong best friend, who has been caught both fixing Jakey’s tie and exclaiming “Yeah, baby!” after Jake was handed an award (although he presumably was going for more of an Austin Powers “Yeah, baby!” than a flirtatious “Way to go, babe!”)
4. Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz
Think about the typical portrayal of a lesbian: strong-minded, aggressive, and far from demure. These are all things that Alicia Keys has admitted to being, specifically in response to the lesbian rumors that she even said had “legs” and “just kept walking and walking”. On the Snatch Game episode of season 3 of RuPaul’s Drag Race, where the contestants have to impersonate celebrities, Alexis Mateo chose Alicia Keys and portrayed her as a lesbian, hitting repeatedly on guest star Amber Rose. Alicia Keys also dressed like a total tomboy. Although she vehemently denies that she is gay, the rumors are definitely there, making her current marriage to rapper Swizz Beatz perhaps just another game of cover up in Hollywood.
3. Taylor Swift and Joe Jonas
In an article discussing Ryan Seacrest’s possible homosexuality, the writer said that as soon as he and Hough broke up, Taylor Swift slid her beard service business card under his door. This is a reference to Taylor Swift’s dating of many alleged gay men, including the aforementioned Jake Gyllenhaal, as well as Harry Styles, and also Joe Jonas. I picked Joe though because, let’s face it, he really needs the exposure. If Nick Jonas is guilty of totally using gay attention to his advantage, Joe Jonas wasn’t quite as capable of making it work as well for him. He has claimed that gay rumors are bound to follow any boy band, doing the 21st century thing of claiming it doesn’t bother him while laughing it off, but unlike Zac Efron whose gay rumors titillate his gay fans and make him more popular, Joe’s didn’t help him at all and he (allegedly) had to date Taylor Swift to dispel them.
2. Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens
Some people claim that the relationship between Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens was a sham, aiming only to increase the popularity of High School Musical. Although this is probably true, it also had the effect of heterosexualizing the stud they were launching with it, Zac Efron. It would be a very unwise move to try to make a boy famous among hormone-crazed tween girls all the while admitting that he would never ever sleep with them. It made much better business sense to pair him with everywoman Vanessa Hudgens, suggesting he’s sexually desirable while promoting her less-than-stellar music.
1. 50 Cent and Vivica A. Fox
Bet you didn’t see this one coming! 50 Cent is the most macho man out there, just look at any of his music videos! According to his ex, the fabulous miss Vivica A. Fox, 50 Cent was “the pot calling the kettle black” after he blamed the season 2 ratings dip of Empire on “gay stuff”. She then brought up an XXL cover that Fiddy did with Soulja Boy, where the elder rapper is wearing a headscarf and has a muscular arm around Soulja Boy’s wiry, young frame. It does sort of smack of old school, young-boy older-man gayness, where the doe-eyed youth is courted by the established older man. Either way, both rappers fired back at Fox, essentially calling her an old, washed-up hag.