When it comes right down to it, sex can be pretty weird. There can be weird sounds, weirder facial expressions, and the weirdest acts involved. Some people like to dress up, others like to be tied up; the range of sexual preferences is truly infinite and every sexual experience is unique.
However, sex apps were honestly something I didn’t see coming (stop laughing). Maybe because I haven’t yet seen Her, I personally find the pairing of technology and intimacy to be a little odd to begin with, so the idea of using apps for sex really threw me. To be clear, when I say “sex apps” I don’t exactly mean Tinder, because as an extension of online dating/hook-up culture, that one doesn’t surprise me in the slightest. I mean apps that actually play an active role in your sex life beyond simply finding you a partner.
Once I really started researching these apps, my feelings ranged from “hmm that’s intriguing” to “they want you to do what?!” and thus, this recap was born. Take from it what you will.
5. Love Sparks
To put it plainly, this is essentially a to-do list for your sex life. It doesn’t sound the sexiest when it’s put that way, but in comparison to some of the other apps out there (see: Lick This, below), you might just change your mind regarding how you feel about it.
It’s practical, as far as sex apps go anyway, which could be the best and worst thing about it. You can scroll through various positions, scenarios, and fantasies to share with your partner, unlocking achievements and other sex tips as you move along. It also allows you to password protect everything, which adds another element of practicality to the app. It isn’t free though, unlocking all of your sexual fantasies in list format will cost you $1.99 but hey, it’s still cheaper than Cosmo.
The name doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, but I think it’s safe to say that we get the gist of this one right away.
It’s Instagram, with filters, hashtags and all, that allows nudity and other sexually explicit imagery. In order to browse pictures, you simply have to visit the site and agree that you are 18 years of age or older. If you actually join the site though, you get to enjoy a variety of perks from following your favourite porn stars, to uploading your own photos, to even participating in live chats with other users. So far, this probably sounds sort of normal due to internet porn. However, if you’re a Game of Thrones fan, things get even better for you since Pornostagram also powers a game called Game of Boobs. Not kidding.
So I promised that this list wouldn’t contain apps that simply help you to find a partner, and that is technically what this app does, but there’s a catch. Rather than searching for people who live in your area, this app searches for people who are on the same flight as you. That’s right, this is the app to help make your Mile High Club fantasy a reality. This might be okay for flights to and from Vegas, but it could make a family-friendly flight to Orlando a little too high on the sexual tension for the average person’s liking.
2. Lick This
Everyone can imagine a dumb movie scene where a pre-teen kisses their pillow or that scene in Cruel Intentions where Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair make out so that Gellar can “teach” Blair how to French kiss. If you want to learn more than that though, there is definitely (hopefully?) nothing available on prime-time television or even an R-rated movie that can really give you the instruction or feedback that you need.
This is presumably why Lick This was invented. If you have ever wondered how your oral sex skills stack up, wonder no longer, and instead visit their website to start licking your phone. Yep, you read that right. Lick your phone. Lick This suggests you wrap it up (hah) because let’s face it, your phone is an absolutely filthy surface and even touching it to your face is really a bad idea.
The app currently has three areas where you can test your skills, “Up ‘n’ Down”, “Circles”, and “Freestyle”, but if you think you’re getting any fun graphics, be aware that the graphics are strictly educational. “Up ‘n’ Down” has you flicking a light switch with your tongue, “Circles” has you turning the handle of a classroom pencil sharpener, and “Freestyle” has, wait for it, a beach ball bouncing around the screen, because that makes sense … How do you feel about Love Sparks now?
“Okay Glass, play music.”
The sound of Marvin Gaye’s sensuous voice floats through the room …
“Okay Glass, dim the lights.”
The lighting goes down to a level deemed “romantic” …
“Okay Glass, it’s time.”
“Time for what?” you might ask. Time for getting down, getting naked, getting weird … Whatever you want to call it, when it’s “time”, Google Glass knows that you are about to have sex. Gone are the days of mirrors on ceilings because now there are new and better ways to watch yourself having sex.
Meet Glance, the new app that heightens your experiences of sexual encounters. It is currently available on iPhone but is coming soon to Google Glass. The app allows you to see your partner’s perspective while you are having sex by streaming live video. If you are really satisfied with your performance, you can even save the video. If you don’t save it though, Glance assures you that it is gone forever as the material is not hosted anywhere. The app is free for iPhone for a limited time, so if you’d like to try it, “it’s time”. The only thing that I’m confused about is how you hold your phone the entire time or what you do with it until the Google Glass version is ready. Once that comes out, all you’ll have to do is wear sort of weird glasses while you’re doing it. I guess people could get past that for the sake of live-streamed multiple-perspective porn, starring you and someone you know.
Now if only Glass could cue fireworks upon orgasm, then I think we would really be onto something.