Folks, there’s no use fighting the supermassive black hole of consumerism. Unless you broke out the glue gun or hand wrote some endearing letters, you caved into the pressure to buy lots of people lots of stuff this December past. And your bank account is suffering in the bleak January days. Who has time for arts and crafts in this day and age anyway? Capitalism does your arts and crafts for you.
If you do have any loose change left over after Christmas, however, and you’re looking for a way to beat those January blues, then these first-rate products that have been (As) Seen on TV might be for you.
As Seen on TV offers the finest in consumer wares a few easy payments can buy; tools so useful and necessary to your life that they have to be sold directly through your television in screaming fifteen-minute promotions at 4 a.m.
But nobody likes staying up that late. So, here’s a catalogue of their finest offerings, ranked by desirability here to help you make those all-important purchases…
18. The Tiddy Bear
Tiddy Bear is a plush fixture who wants to bury his face in some cleavage protect your sensitive shoulders, arms and t-shirts from the harsh surface of seatbelt material. Fasten him anywhere along your belt—driver or passenger side—for a creepy Tiddy embrace. He’s cute, cushy, slides up and down (though he prefers somewhere in the middle) and only costs $9.95 plus shipping and handling.
17. The Gangnam Style Singing Toothbrush
Whoop. Whoop whoop. Every time you brush. The only toothbrush more likely to leave you with a psychological disorder than good dental hygiene, it plays Psy’s one-time smash hit with the press of an inescapably located button.
Parents, if your child won’t stop running around the house doing the Gangnam Style dance like you told them to, what better way to punish than to permanently impede their development using that very song?
16. The UroClub
Golf players are all about that public urination. The UroClub lets the weak-bladdered stay par for the course, and its tagline — the only club guaranteed to keep you out of the woods— is for once actually true.
For $19.95 it makes a very adequate gag gift, but the problem is the clip-on “privacy towel” looks like it could use a little more privacy – and there’s no guarantee your uncle won’t actually use this thing and run the risk of being arrested.
15. Sauna Pants
The pinnacle of sweaty-butt technology: Strap it on, dial up the heat and feel all the calories leak out of your big sweaty butt. All the poor eating choices? Sweat them out your sweaty butt. All the unused gym memberships? Sweat them out your sweaty butt. For $39.95 it’s just that simple.
14. The Fridge Locker
Sometimes you need to lay down the lunch law, especially when your food finds its way into co-workers’ mouths. With The Fridge Locker your quinoa bean salad will never step out of line again.
Sure, everyone at the office might think you’re a little crazy, but you’ll be the one laughing when you get two lunch prisons for the price of one at $19.95.
Skinnies instant thigh, arm and tummy lifts will pull your cellulite so close to your body it disappears. How does Skinnies do it? Patented adhesion technology. You might know this as tape. It’s sticky tape for your skin. No, it’s not reusable and yes it leaves behind a sticky residue, like regular tape.
12. The Better Marriage Blanket
Can you guess why this couple is smiling? Thanks to The Better Marriage Blanket, one of them just released a fart they held in for 7 years.
The first product to tackle flatulence as the genuine problem it is, your gas will bind to the odor absorbing fabric “used by the military to protect against chemical weapons”, and folks, this thing is designed to last. However, of course, you and your spouse will have to come to terms with the fact you sleep on flatulence flypaper.
Don’t confuse yourself with all this talk of “poor communication” and “we only stayed together for the kids and they’re all grown up now”— body odour is killing your marriage.
“I don’t know what it is, but it’s the coolest thing ever”; most definitely genuine testimony
Fushigi is the Japanese word for mystery. Unfortunately Fushigi is just a ball, but behold the minor optical-illusory value emanating from its reflective core. What is it? I don’t know!
Fushigi’s clear outer layer kind of gives the appearance of levitation. But hey, kind of is still something! Just add the inherent effects of contact juggling and you’ll be screaming, Fushigi!
10. The Back Up
Folks, it’s only a matter of time before your home gets invaded in the middle of the night and you’ll be forced to defend the safety of you, your family and even your goldfish. That’s why this products advocates sleeping with a loaded gun within arm’s reach.
But where to put it? Under the pillow is a little uncomfortable, and who likes fishing it out from the cracks every couple of nights? Luckily the Back Up bedside gun rack lets you leave the .45 on the nightstand and keep the loaded 12-gauge pointing from dusk to dawn.
9. Candle Quick
The Candle Quick does something, sort of. What thing does it do? It melts down the tops of candles, exposing the wick. What thing does it not do? Actually light the candle, so you’ll need to break out that lighter you could’ve also used to do the other thing. But for such easy payments, how can you go wrong?
8. The Tush Turner
Have you ever been at a dinner party with a Lazy Susan at the table, and thought to yourself, “I really want one of those for my butt”? You wouldn’t be the first. Everyone knows the human body has its limits. Swiveling? Please, I’m no Olympian.
And everyone knows our bodies are extra feeble when it comes to interacting with complex machines like cars; that’s why you need the help of the Tush Turner. This high quality foam disc will turn your tush in, and back out of the driver’s seat so you won’t have to. Well, you’ll still have to, but your butt won’t, or some part of your lower torso — who knows? The anatomy is confusing (that’s why you need this!).
7. Fanny Bank
Yes ladies and gentlemen, drop some loot and hear it toot! The best thing about the Fanny Bank is that hearing farts when you deposit your change is just as funny the third time. In fact, it’s even mildly humorous the fourth and fifth time. You might even force a laborious smile the sixth, seventh and eighth time before you cry and cry because you can’t make good decisions anymore and you’ve sunk to pitiful levels to escape the insignificance of your life.
So all in all, you’ll get at least nine good uses out of this thing before you chuck it into the garbage and seek therapy. Not bad for $14.95.
6. GoGo Pillow
If you had a nickel for every time you wanted a pillow with a sleek and comfortable patented multi-slot design for my new tablet… Ladies and gentlemen, sleep will be the last thing you’ll do when you buy the GoGo Pillow. No, you’ll be too busy watching your iPad sleep.
The GoGo Pillow locks down your gadgets with comfort, allowing you to rock them softly to snooze every night while you browse the Craigslist classifieds for that Coca Cola fridge you know you shouldn’t buy. It might also work as a pillow for people.
We don’t know about you, but we’ve had it with binoculars. They’re expensive, heavy, super-awkward and don’t make you look anything like the X-Men. That’s why we’re endorsing Zoomies: all the super-hero advantage of hawk eye vision you can wear directly on your face. Actually, you must wear it directly on your face… so… wait a second, is 300x vision even a superpower if you lose the ability of 1x vision? Oh dear… binoculars… we’ve made a terrible mistake. Binoculars!!! Come back!!!
4. Bed MadeEZ
Everyone knows in today’s risk society ergonomics is the name of the game. We can’t afford to let people hurt themselves doing things, whether it’s opening a door, cleaning the oven, or lifting the mattress slightly to tuck in the sheets. Luckily, Bed MadeEZ makes one of these things a walk in the park on a moving sidewalk. Just grab the rubberized curve handle, draw it from its sheath—we assume you’re some kind of housekeeping swordsman—stick that mattress between the cracks (for added effect, scream open wide! as you do it), and leave the sucker impaled while you tuck in that bed linen. Take that worker’s compensation!
3. Easy Toothbrush
It doesn’t change your life in ways you never thought it couldn’t; the Easy Toothbrush has got to be the easiest, best toothbrush we’ve ever seen on TV.
A square brush for a round mouth? Absurd! A round brush was a long time coming for round-mouthies. We were almost starting to believe we had a square mouth.
Fellow round-mouths: someday we’ll look back on the round Easy Toothbrush as the first of many victories in our long struggle for equality in this circular-phobic society. Accept no substitutes!
2. The Head Wedgie
As you may already know, “wedgie” refers to pulling Mark’s underwear band so high in the third grade that it tore off.
But you may not know “wedgie” comes from the verb “to wedge”. The folks over in Seen on TV Land understand the wedge something we need today in all kinds of contexts.
Cue this useful prop for wedging your head in the car seat. With the help of the Head Wedgie, you’ll never have to know when dad dozes off and almost swerves into the oncoming transport truck; you’ll be sleeping safe and soundly the whole time.
1. FIR-Real Portable Sauna
We thought a sauna was something you walked into, not transformed into, but it seems these people FIR-Real want us to believe you can pitch a sauna like a tent, and sweat out all the bad toxins, karma, chi and whatever else clogs your pores from the privacy of your living room.
Who knows? Maybe this thing actually works. On second thought: nah, it’s As Seen on TV.