Ah, Oreos. Milk’s favorite cookie. Who doesn’t love grabbing a glass of milk and a pack of Double-Stuf (which, let’s be real here, are the only acceptable variety) and eating their hearts out? They’re also a great way to make friends. Show up to a gathering with Oreos? You’re instantly the life of the party. Inviting a cute girl over to Netflix and chill? Get out the Oreos for maximum success. Got roped into babysitting? Bring over some Oreos and get those kids eating out of the palm of your hand (literally).
Despite being one of the most–if not the most–popular cookie in the United States, Nabisco is not content to sit on their heels and leave a good thing alone. Since the Oreo was first introduced in 1912, Nabisco has been constantly working to improve the cookie and keep it from becoming just another brand on the grocery store shelf. In 1974, Nabisco introduced the Double-Stuf Oreo, which had twice as much cream in its center as the original Oreo. Football-shaped Oreos came out in 1976. In 1987 came the Big Stuf Oreo, which was several times the size of a regular Oreo but was discontinued in 1991. In the same year, Nabisco introduced the Mini Oreo. In 2013, Nabisco introduced the Mega-Stuf Oreo, which had even more filling than the Double-Stuf, and in 2015 came the Oreo Thins. Sometimes you can buy seasonally appropriate Oreos with fun shapes on the cookie. But Nabisco didn’t stop at just size or decoration–they’ve also been introducing new flavors. And they aren’t all as tame as Golden Oreos–if you go to the store today, you can find some truly horrifying Oreos. We’ve taken it upon ourselves to compile a list of the 15 times Oreo cookies just went way too far, and we can honestly say from our dedicated research that these are all as bad as they sound.
15. Cookie Dough
As far as crazy Oreo flavors go, Cookie Dough is pretty tame; that doesn’t mean it’s good, though. Cookie dough by itself is amazing. Who doesn’t love curling up with a tub of cookie dough and eating their hearts out? Sure, it’s not the healthiest thing you can do, but who cares? Because it’s best eaten cold, cookie dough is also great in ice cream. But anything else just isn’t right. Cookie dough is only good when it’s cold, and Oreos are not frozen treats. Warm cookie dough is just…cookies. Why make a cookie dough flavor if it’s just going to taste like chocolate chip cookies? Why not just make chocolate chip cookies? Does Nabisco think people will buy chocolate chip cookies if they come in Oreo form? This is one combination that just doesn’t work. Chocolate chip cookies or Oreos? You gotta pick one, Nabisco. You can’t play cookie God forever.
Like Cookie Dough Oreos, S’mores Oreos aren’t the worst thing Nabisco has come out with, but they’re definitely not anyone’s first choice when it comes to snacks. It seems that Nabisco is trying to keep up with a popular trend: 2016 seems to be the year of s’more flavored everything. S’more Blizzards from Dairy Queen, s’more frozen drinks from Starbucks, s’more cupcakes, s’more candy, s’more ice cream–and, of course, S’more Oreos, which made their debut this summer. S’mores are delicious and summertime favorites, and sometimes s’more flavored treats are just as delicious as the actual thing. S’more Oreos (s’moreos? Come on, Nabisco, get it together) are not. They have that faux-s’more taste. You know the one. The one that’s so sweet and simultaneously so not-sweet that it makes you grimace. The sad attempt at recreating Hershey’s chocolate, graham crackers, and marshmallows melting in your mouth falls flat and the Oreos just taste like sweetened cardboard.
Gingerbread Oreos were one of the first weird flavors Nabisco came up with. The limited edition cookies consisted of two golden Oreo wafers and gingerbread creme filling–and as you can imagine, it’s no wonder these cookies were limited edition. Gingerbread is all well and good, but honestly, what was Nabisco thinking? It feels like the creative team put absolutely no effort into that idea, and instead of asking, “What are other delicious things we can do with Oreos?” they said, “Let’s merge two very good but very different cookies together into a Frankenstein’s monster.”
While we didn’t get to sample any of the Gingerbread Oreos (and thank God for that), we can only imagine that they were as disgusting as they sound. Just thinking about that gingery paste makes us want to barf. It’s a good thing and no surprise that Gingerbread Oreos were limited edition and can’t be found today.
12. Lemon Twist
Apparently not having learned from their Gingerbread Oreo fluke (or at least, not having learned much), the next flavor that Nabisco came out with was Lemon Twist.
Just take a moment to let that sink in.
Lemon. Twist. Oreos. Ewww.
Introduced in 2012, the Oreos were pulled off the shelves only to hit them again in 2013. For a brief, glorious moment, it seemed that Nabisco realized the error of their ways. And then they said, “Ah, screw it.” The Oreos consisted of two golden Oreo wafers and a lemon creme filling. Not dissimilar to how Cookie Dough Oreos might as well be crappy chocolate chip cookies, Lemon Twist Oreos were very similar to lemon creme cookies, which are already sickeningly sweet. We can’t help wondering why Nabisco didn’t just come out with lemon creme cookies. Did they realize lemon creme cookies are disgusting and only served by old ladies at garden club meetings and thought they’d sell better if they were marketed as Oreos? Were they playing a giant prank by selling one of the world’s grossest cookies in Oreo form and waiting to see how many schmucks would go for it? Does Nabisco even know what they’re doing anymore? The world may never know.
Granted, Neapolitan is not the worst flavor of all time, especially when you look at other Oreo flavors. They may even be the most palatable Oreos on this list. Not that that’s saying anything, because the bar is so low you could trip over it. Made up of three golden Oreo wafers, the cookies had chocolate and strawberry creme filling, because you know, ‘Merica. Neapolitan is already a gross ice cream flavor (does anyone actually eat the strawberry?), so why Oreo decided to turn it into a cookie remains a mystery. Then again, Neapolitan Oreos came out in 2012, the same year as Gingerbread and Lemon Twist Oreos, so perhaps this was the year Nabisco hired a mad scientist baker who said, “What if we ruined everything that is good about Oreos?” And Nabisco said, “Yeah, okay, that sounds like a plan.” Whatever the case, Neapolitan Oreos were also (thankfully) limited release, which is why you can’t find them anymore.
10. Key Lime Pie
Okay, we’ve actually tried Key Lime Pie Oreos, and they’re not…terrible. They’re just not…good. They do taste just like key lime pie. Or rather, they taste just like key lime pie flavoring, but are kinda lacking on the whole key lime pie experience. Key lime pie is one of those things that just shouldn’t be replicated. It’s great, it’s delicious, it’s distinct, and you can’t put it in Oreo form without losing those great, delicious, and distinct qualities. Instead of a cool and creamy pie, you’re eating a hard Oreo with a saccharine yet sour filling. The cookies aren’t even graham cracker flavored–they’re just regular golden Oreos.
Again, they’re not terrible. They just aren’t what you think of when you think of Oreos and your taste buds should be prepped accordingly. If you do want to give them a try, make sure you’re prepared for a sickly sweet lime flavor.
9. Pumpkin Spice
On the off chance you’re a hermit who hasn’t made contact with the human race in the last five years, you’ll know that you can get anything in pumpkin spice–and we do mean anything. From coffee to oatmeal (yes, oatmeal), everything you could possibly hope to consume comes in pumpkin spice flavor come fall. That includes Oreos. As much as we love pumpkin spice (don’t deny the truth–PSLs are delicious and you know it), we can’t help feeling like Nabisco got a little too excited about appealing to their white girl consumers. A limited edition released in 2014, the Pumpkin Spice Oreos were golden Oreo wafers with an orange-colored, pumpkin spice creme filling–whatever that means. We can only imagine that these were vastly disappointing compared to Starbucks’s latte of the same flavor, and even Quaker Oats’ pumpkin spice oatmeal, which is surprisingly yummy. An Amazon review says that the Oreos taste like cinnamon Teddy Grahams, so they’re probably not terrible, but…pumpkin spice? Really?
8. Fruit Punch
Everything you’ve read up until this point has been gross but not out of the realm of reason. That ends now. You have now officially crossed over into WTF territory, because seriously: WTF, Nabisco. W. T. F. Who even had the idea to make a fruit punch Oreo? Who in their right mind said, “Guys, you know what we need? Fruit punch, but in Oreo form.” Furthermore, who said, “You know what, Frank, you’re absolutely right. Fruit punch Oreos it is!” Fruit punch is delicious, and sugary snacks that are fruit punch flavored are also delicious, but Oreos? Hell, fruit punch cookies even sound disgusting. Fruit punch flavor should be limited to drinks or fruity snacks or other candy. Not cookies, and definitely not a historically chocolate and creme-filled cookie. How this combination even occurred to anyone is unfathomable. The vanilla cookies with fruit punch flavored creme were released in 2014 and taken off the shelves not long after–hopefully, they’ll stay that way.
7. Birthday Cake
Believe it or not, Birthday Cake Oreos were actually the first new flavor that Nabisco came up with. Released in 2012, the birthday cake flavor was meant to celebrate the 100th birthday of the Oreo cookie. While we understand the sentiment, we can’t help wondering why they couldn’t choose, you know, literally anything else. Birthday cake is a disgusting flavor no matter what. Birthday cake ice cream is a disgrace to ice cream flavors everywhere. Hell, even birthday cake on its own is nasty. Something about it just makes it taste like a clown.
Perhaps this was what started the Oreo madness. Perhaps the mad scientist bakers of Nabisco realized that they could turn literally anything into an Oreo. Not just birthday cake–the world was at their fingertips. They could take anything and make it into an Oreo and people would buy it. Lemon twist, gingerbread, cookie dough–they would turn everything into an Oreo, damnit, and the people would literally eat it up.
6. Caramel Apple
Like pumpkin spice, caramel apple is a flavor that is great in almost anything else, but when it comes to Oreos, it’s not so great. Ironically, Caramel Apple Oreos were released at the same time as Pumpkin Spice Oreos, and both left the stores at around the same time. This was almost two full years ago and they haven’t been back since. Between two golden Oreo cookies and with a caramel apple-flavored creme filling, the cookie must have tasted sickeningly sweet. It was only sold in Target, so perhaps Nabisco was testing the waters with this flavor. Clearly they didn’t turn up favorable results, considering that the Oreos haven’t made a comeback in the last two years, but who knows what goes on in the Nabisco labs. It’s always possible the mad scientist bakers (because they totally exist, okay) are finding newer and scarier ways to “improve” the cookie–maybe they’re even combining them with pumpkin spice.
5. Fruity Crisp
The most recent flavor released by Nabisco, Fruity Crisp Oreos, are a thing of nightmares. Made of two golden Oreo cookies (why is it always the golden Oreos? Why is Nabisco intentionally choosing the grossest version of Oreos for their even grosser new flavors? What kind of schmuck goes to the store and chooses golden Oreos when chocolate Oreos are a thing?), the technicolor creme filling contains fruity rice crisps. Just imagine Fruity Pebbles but with no milk and more sugar. Because who doesn’t want the world’s sugariest cereal in a cookie? Assuming this cookie doesn’t immediately give you five cavities, it’ll probably clog your arteries to the point where you’ll die an early death from sugar overload. That’s totally a thing, right? At the very least, it is one Oreo you should definitely withhold from any children in the vicinity, because getting them to sleep ever will be impossible once they get their hands on these cookies. Assuming you are feeling brave (or drunk) enough to try one of these monstrosities, make sure you have 911 on dial. It couldn’t hurt to have poison control on the line, too.
4. Root Beer Float
Why? Why, mad scientist bakers of Nabisco, would you do this horrible, terrible thing? Was it not enough for you? The Fruit Crisp, Lemon Twist, Gingerbread, Pumpkin Spice…was it not enough? Did you have to do this, too? When will you stop playing cookie God and just let Oreos be Oreos?
Root beer floats, like key lime pies, are one of those things with a distinct taste. They’re not just a flavor, they’re an experience. You can’t possibly hope to replicate that experience with a synthetic flavor, especially not in a cookie. Candy, maybe, but a creme-filled cookie? No way. Like pumpkin spice and caramel apple, the root beer float flavor was released in 2014 for a limited time and hasn’t been seen since. This is definitely a good thing, because that Oreo can’t have been very good, but as always, we’re terrified of what the mad scientist bakers of Nabisco are cooking up in that lab of theirs. They may surface again, stronger and grosser than ever before.
3. Cinnamon Bun
If you’ve made it this far, we have to applaud your stomach of steel. Everything we’ve covered on this list so far has been pretty icky, but Cinnamon Bun Oreos? Really? Really?!
Released earlier this year, the cookie consists of cinnamon flavored wafers (not, for once, golden Oreos) and cinnamon bun-flavored creme. You can still buy it, but we’re hoping that it will be yanked from the shelves like most of the other gross flavors we’ve covered. Cinnamon buns are a generally yummy treat, but they’re only good when they’re warm. Like most cinnamon bun flavored things, the Oreos are eaten at room temperature. The sad, cold, and hard imitations are the exact opposite of everything we love about cinnamon buns–so what was the point of making them? No one has ever said, “Gee, I love cinnamon buns when they DON’T have that fresh out of the oven feel!” Get it together, Nabisco.
2. Red Velvet
Like seriously, what is even going on in those Nabisco team meetings? How have these monstrosities met the approval of creative teams, CEOs, and test subjects? Was Nabisco paying people to lie and say, “Yes, Red Velvet Oreos are the “Way of the Future”? Because we can’t think of any other reason why these would make it into stores. Red velvet is already a disgusting flavor that shouldn’t exist. Trying to compact that awfulness into a cookie is both ambitious and disturbing. We’ll give the mad scientist bakers of Nabisco one thing–they could certainly find new ways of torture if they ever put their minds to it.
What’s the most mind-boggling about this is the fact that not only were Red Velvet Oreos pulled off the shelves, but at some point, they were reintroduced. That’s right: Nabisco felt that Red Velvet Oreos were successful enough to come back. Who allowed this? Did consumers actually like it that much? We highly doubt it, but there doesn’t seem to be any other reason why the cookies would have returned. Hopefully karma will come for whoever’s fault this was.
1. Blueberry Pie
This is it. This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. When the apocalypse draws nigh, when the snows fall a hundred feet deep, when the sun hides for years and children are born and die all in the darkness, when the zombies move through the world and mothers smother their babies rather than see them eaten, when the white walkers sweep through cities and kingdoms, riding their dead horses, hunting with their packs of pale spiders big as hounds, we will turn our faces to the heavens and ask, “Why, O God, have you abandoned us?” And God will say, “Because you invented Blueberry Pie Oreos, and I knew that I could not save you from yourselves.” To paraphrase Ian Malcolm: “Your mad scientist bakers were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.” End this, Nabisco. You are becoming an Icarus and flying too close to the sun.
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