There are some stories we just love to read. And stories about the dumb and stupid criminals are just too good to miss. Gotcha big time, you villain.
Why? Well, first of all, they are doing bad stuff. But, even better, they are so stupid that a) they will utterly fail, and b) almost certainly get caught much sooner rather than later. They become a joke of their own making. Perfect! We feel superior. And we get a chuckle.
So, here we have our own “Cocaine Cowgirls”, two twenty-something Canadian women, Melina Roberge and Isabelle Lagrace, together with 63-year old Quebec resident Andre Tamine, are on a US $15,000 a head luxury cruise aboard the Sea Princess. Thing is, the girls posted endless sexy bikini shots from exotic places all over the world to their social media accounts, flaunting what they clearly thought was their new millionaire lifestyle. Only thing is, they had 200 pounds of cocaine worth tens of millions of dollars plainly on display in their suitcases. All you had to do is open their suitcase and there it was. And how on earth did they afford it all? Indeed. They face life in prison. Dumb to think they could get away with it? Dumb and dumber.
But wait, here are 15 criminals who are even stupider than the so-called Cocaine Cowgirls. Read on and get ready to feel really, really smart and superior.
15. The World’s Dumbest Car Thief
Is he Ireland’s dumbest car thief? He’s certainly one of the unluckiest. The delighted Irish press called him “A Thick with a Brick”. The late night security footage caught the guy trying to break into a Merc by heaving a brick at its windows. He has several goes and then he circles the car, goes off camera, comes back, and throws the brick at the window again. Then wham, he is instantly knocked out by the bouncing brick. When the car’s owner found the guy in a pool of blood at 1:00 in the morning, he could not figure out what had happened. But when police had a look at the security footage, the thief was well and truly collared. Now, was the guy dumb or just unlucky? We think both.
14. The Thief And The Instagram Selfies
Miami Police were astounded at how dumb and arrogant teenager Dupree Johnson was. In 2013, he posted picture after picture to his Instagram account, bragging about his criminal exploits. He posted what one newspaper called “holy-mother-of-God-are-you-kidding-me?” images. Like him and his stolen Glock, him and a stolen car, and (yes) cash. So, faster than a speeding bullet the sheriff’s department discovered that the guy had a rap sheet as long as your arm, including grand theft, burglary, and felony possession of a firearm. With a search warrant in hand they raided his house and found $250,000 worth of stolen jewelry, electronics and firearms. When they finished, he had 142 felony counts to answer to. It’s a pity, but he doesn’t appear to be on Instagram any longer.
13. Stick ‘Em Up, I’m Packing A Cucumber
Gary Rough entered a Glasgow bookmakers with robbery in mind and a cucumber. A what? Yes, he had hidden the veggie in a black sock and waved it about a bit as he demanded money. The girl behind the counter thought it might be a gun, but she refused to give him the cash. And his bad luck didn’t end there. It just so happens that an off-duty police officer was on hand to collar the guy and pin him down. And then the full reveal of the cuke. “Don’t worry”, Rough said. “It was only a joke. I did it on a dare. I’m not going to prison, am I?” Yes you are, Gary. He just kept saying, “It was a joke”. He’s probably not laughing now.
12. The Kidnapper Who Made A Follow-Up Appointment With His Victims
In January of 2016, Jason Hayes broke into a Pennsylvania house and at gunpoint, demanded money from an old woman and her husband. When they told him they didn’t have any money in the house, he kidnapped them and forced them to pull hundreds from an ATM. Then, still at gunpoint, he set up a meeting with them the next day and said come with $1,500, or else… Well, guess what? The dumba** showed up for the meeting wearing the same clothes his victims had described to police, but (surprise, surprise) his victims weren’t there. The police were. Headlines screamed things like, “This Kidnapper is Probably the Dumbest Criminal of 2016”. The police couldn’t believe their luck: “Not that we would believe that a robber would have ever showed up for a scheduled appointment, but it was something we had to cover,” a smiling cop told Philly.com. Oh yeah, Hayes also was in possession of a watch he had stolen from the victims.
11. The Pull Don’t Push Robbery Idiot
This guy walked into an English bank (a building society) and handed over a demand note. In the blink of an eye, the security gates go up and he is left just standing there with nobody to threaten. Then, he decides to get away and there is wonderful footage of him trying to push and force the door to open. It won’t budge. Why? Well, idiot, if you had pulled and not pushed, you would have been free as a bird. But then a spot of luck. An unsuspecting customer comes in, the thief grabs the door, and is out. The customer is clearly confused and looks around and then departs. The guy left without any cash, or any dignity for that matter of fact. At last word, he hadn’t been caught.
10. They’ll Never Recognize Us
Right, we’re going to get some permanent markers and draw all over our faces. Nobody will recognize us in a million, billion years. No, you say. Nobody could be that dumb. Well, meet Iowa’s own un-dynamic duo, Matthew McNelly and Joey Miller. In 2009, they were trying to break into a place and were spotted by a witness who described their “disguise” and the kind of car they were driving. It took police only a few minutes to pull them over and spot their ingenious disguises. See, if they had worn masks, at least they could have thrown them away. But permanent marker is, well, supposed to be permanent. Plus, apparently McNelly was also charged with DUI. Well, you’d have to be on something to think the permanent marker thing would work.
9. The Blind Robber
Not exactly blind, but a German guy did try to rob a bank wearing a mask he couldn’t see out of. So, he had to lift the mask to demand money from the cashier. He went into the bank with a coarse canvas sack on his head. He couldn’t see anything and bumped into customers, brandishing (wait for it) a plastic knife and a toy gun. A delighted police spokesperson said, “He lifted the mask and looked straight into the camera”. Thank you. He didn’t walk away with any money, but he did get four years. It earned him the title of “Germany’s Dumbest Criminal” or “Deutschlands dummster Bankrauber”. We like the word “dummster”. How do you say “cut out eye holes” in German?
8. Two Guys Who Decided To Mug Chuck Norris
They figured the action man cr*p on TV was a fake and that Chuck Norris would be an easy target. So, they confronted him on a Dallas, Texas street at knife point and demanded he hand over his wallet. “Are you insane?”, Norris reportedly asked when he realized the two weren’t fans after an autograph. Now, we’re not going to list all of Norris’ martial art certifications, but suffice it to say that when the cops arrived a few minutes later, Chuck was just fine and leaning against a wall watching the proceedings and the robbers, complete with broken bones, were sitting on the curb. The cops said, what were you thinking? Didn’t you know who he was? Yeah, they said, but they just didn’t realize the action man stuff was totally real.
7. I Thought You Could Only Be Arrested For Burglary At Night
Twenty something James Blankenship fancied a spot of breaking and entering into his own mother’s house. But mom was home and saw her son trying to break-in through a first floor window. Only thing was, he wasn’t invited, hadn’t been welcomed into her home for months, and had nothing of his own there. After realizing mom was onto him, he legged it and was found a little while later hiding nearby. So, it’s easy. It’s attempted burglary, right? No, he told the incredulous police, it’s not burglary unless you break in at night. Right, Jimmy boy, let us explain a few things. Although, we’re not certain you’ll understand much. We are betting mom is not on the prison visiting list.
6. Arrest That Man: He’s Stolen My Pot
Shane Walker just wanted to have a nice 25th birthday and planned a fun day of dealing and smoking pot to celebrate the day of her birth. Only thing was her boyfriend, soon to be her ex-boyfriend, had stolen her stash. So, being the upstanding citizen that she is, the Charleston, West Virginia resident called her local police. “Help, please, my boyfriend’s stolen my stash.” Oh yeah, I should also mention that I had big plans to sell the stuff to pay for a big birthday treat. Can you nice policemen please help? Of course we can, they said. How about charging you with possession? Guess where Shane spent her birthday? Jail. But, look on the bright side. The birthday portrait was free. Then there was the guy who called the cops to say his wife had stolen his cocaine.
5. Steal A Car, Rob A Bank, And Brag About It On YouTube
Hannah Sabata made a YouTube video in which she admits she does drugs, has stolen a car, and robbed a bank. It was a great success, with over a million hits. She was arrested and continued her 15 of fame with an interview with Nebraska’s local Channel 6, WOWT. “I was very proud of myself having the guts to do what I did”, Sabata said. Wait, you didn’t take charge of your life. You robbed a bank. According to WOWT, it all began in November 2012 in Waco, Nebraska, when Hannah walked into the bank carrying a backpack. She had a pillowcase and a note that she handed to the teller. “It said you’re being robbed. No ink bags, no alarms, you have two minutes.” It was all over in 45 seconds, she said. Ten to twenty years, the court said.
4. The Idiot Who Posted His Wanted Poster On Facebook
Like a whole lot of people, Floridian Mack Yearwood, decided to post a picture to his Facebook page. But according to the Palm Beach Post, it was not just any picture, but rather his mugshot set in a wanted poster issued by another Florida County. There it sat on Facebook for the world (and the police) to see. And when one night police responded to a battery complaint involving Yearwood and he fled before they arrived, the cops hopped onto social media and found his Facebook page and the wanted poster. Seems he had violated probation on two battery counts. So, the next day they arrested him on the outstanding warrants. One cop did admit to having a bit of a chuckle. But it only got better: When Yearwood slid into his jeans, a bag of pot fell out of one of his pockets. Time for another chuckle, we think.
3. Bank Robbery Takeout Order
He must have thought he was ordering takeout. Albert Bailey called the Connecticut bank he planned to rob and asked (nicely?) that a bag of cash be left on the floor. See, he didn’t want to cause a big fuss by coming in waving a gun around. So, ten minutes later, in walks his 16-year-old accomplice. The kid got around $900 from the teller and then ran to the getaway car driven by Bailey. Only thing was, when the accomplice entered the bank, the teller was just finishing off her call to the police. So, the cops were there in time to arrest another un-dynamic duo. They didn’t even make it out of the parking lot. We think that Albert is right up there with the guy who tried to rob a bank with a demand note written on the back of a subpoena made out in his own name…
2. The Car Thief And The Manual Transmission
It’s kind of a scary scene. A man comes out of a building and gets into his small truck, only to be threatened by a guy waving what looks like a gun. Get out. Get down on the ground. The owner obliges. Thinking he is the best car thief ever, the totally happy villain starts to drive off. Only thing is, the truck has a manual transmission and our wannabe thief can’t seem to get the hang of it. Start, jerk, stop. After a few tries, he’s moved forward only a few feet. So, he gives up, jumps out of the truck and legs it. Maybe he is off for a spot of driver’s ed to learn about clutches and gears. No word on whether they caught him.
1. Robber Fills In Job Application Using His Real Name
Cody Conner was 17 years old when he walked into Cupid’s Corner, a Florida sex shop. Was he in the market for sexy lingerie? No, he had a gun and was intent on robbing the place. The clerk, one smart cookie named Cheryl Hunter, decided to chat with him a bit and asked why he needed the money. He said he needed the cash to help his grandparents pay bills. So, she said why don’t I help you get a job here instead? He thought about that one, then pocketed the pistol, and filled in an application. Only thing was he put down his real name. Maybe he fancied working around all that skimpy lingerie. Police arrested him pretty soon after that. We think Cheryl was a shoo-in for employee of the month.