Pretty much everybody, at one point or another, has fantasized about having a celebrity or two as a friend. At the end of the day, who wouldn’t want to hang out with Leo on some Russian billionaire’s yacht while he takes hits off his vap and rants about the climate? Or hang out backstage eating lobster while your best friend Mick belts out yet another “Satisfaction” encore? It might even be cool to workout with T-Swift at the gym and share lattes afterwards. Just make sure you don’t let anything slip that she might use in a song.
But if you were really best buds with a celeb, sooner or later you’d want to take them home and introduce them to your mom, right? You could show them around your old stomping grounds, share a home-cooked meal with them, and let Sparky the family dog ride in their lap while you cruise Main Street.
Maybe. But maybe not, too. What if your famous friend wasn’t exactly the kind of person you would want to show off? What if you were kind of embarrassed by their behavior, whether it’s because they’re a jerk, party way too much, or are just plain nuts. You already know which of your own, real friends always make you nervous around your parents. So here are 15 celebrities you wouldn’t bring home to mom either.
15. Kim Kardashian
While it’s true that Kim hasn’t been the most notorious member of her clan recently (that honor would go to Caitlyn Jenner and don’t get Mom started on that one!) there’s no way Mom would ever allow her at the dinner table. Mom knows all about those “so-called” reality stars. Mom knows Paris Hilton is a “skank” and that Kim was her bestie. Mom knows sex tapes don’t just get leaked (and shouldn’t have been made in the first place). Mom even knows everything about Kim’s family ‘cause Mom watches the damn shows. But let “a woman like that” into the family home? No way.
14. Justin Bieber
You’d think Mom might actually like the Biebs or at least feel a little sorry for him. But probably not enough to let him sleep in the top bunk of your old room. You see, Mom doesn’t like it when “people can’t exercise self-control.” Good old JB is, of course, notable for lacking in self-control, especially when it comes to smacking strangers for taking his picture, driving safe (whether under the influence or not), peeing in public places, spitting at fans, etc. He also keeps getting busted or exposed for the same things and Mom really doesn’t appreciate people who “make the same mistakes over and over.” So yeah, he’s probably not going to play Rockband in your basement anytime soon.
13. Najeh Davenport
Alright, Najeh Davenport barely qualifies as a celebrity even when he was in the public eye. His current gig as a model doesn’t even register with most people. But there’s just no possible way he wouldn’t make this list. You see, the former Green Bay Packer running back didn’t have much of an NFL career, but he will be forever infamous for breaking into a college dorm room and, well… pooping in the laundry hamper. You heard us right. The breaking and entering seems pretty secondary to the whole “he dumped in the laundry hamper” thing. No way, ever, would Mom approve of this kind of behavior.
12. John Mayer
If you bring John Mayer home you might want to text or call ahead to Mom and tell her to hide your sisters (and the neighbor’s girls and the other moms). You see, John’s got a big thing for the ladies- he’s dated pretty much, well, all of them. And he has an unfortunate habit of publicly talking about their love-making after the fact. Sometimes he even likes to make racist and misogynist comments about the fairer sex. We do hear that he’s calmed down recently. Well, except for that troubling little fact that he’s joined the Grateful Dead. So he’d probably just dose the cat and get Mom high. Great.
11. Pamela Anderson
Good old Pamela might not be as notorious as she once was (although that final nude Playboy layout she’s doing might change that!) but she’s definitely not the sort of “friend” you’d want Mom to know about. Moms have a way of knowing what certain “types” of girls are like and you’d probably get the evil eye the whole time Pam was there. Now, Dad, on the other hand… Dad would probably put an in-ground pool in an hour after Pam showed up.
10. Denis Leary
It’s doubtful Mom enjoys having the F-bomb thrown around every other word so it might be best to leave Denis Leary in the car when you visit home. You might know him as the sabre-tooth tiger with the heart of gold from the Ice Age franchise but it’s no secret the foul-mouthed comedian began his career by riffing on booze, drugs, more drugs and more booze. It’s no coincidence his new show is called Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll ‘cause that’s definitely what this dude likes to talk about. Then again, if your Mom is from New England, she’ll probably invite him in herself to talk about the Red Sox and the Bruins…
9. Barry Bonds
He’s only the most famous cheater in the history of sports- what’s not to love? Well, moms everywhere spend a lot of time railing against bad sportsmanship and mouthing phrases like “A winner never cheats and a cheater never wins.” So it’s a good bet you wouldn’t want to bring Barry by the old homestead for lunch and a pickup game in the backyard. Mom would not approve. In fact, Mom would probably take you aside and tell you she doesn’t like “that” boy.
8. Miley Cyrus
Miley Cyrus sure knows how to make a name for herself, doesn’t she? And don’t you worry, Mom knows all about her. Remember, Mom does all the shopping so she’s seen the Enquirer and Star headlines. Mom does all the laundry so she’s seen all of Miley’s dirty laundry on Today, Extra and TMZ. Mom thinks Miley’s a walking, talking soap opera. And Mom has enough drama in her life already, thank you very much.
7. OJ Simpson
If you and OJ Simpson become BFFs and you decide to bring him home for Thanksgiving dinner make sure you ask Al Cowlings to drive. That way at least you’ll stand a good chance of never making it there. Mom vividly remembers OJ’s car chase, the ensuing trial, “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit,” and the whole whacked-out media circus. In fact, call her. She’s probably watching The People v. O.J. Simpson on FX right now. It’s the kind of show moms can’t resist. There’s no way Mom is letting you bring some gloved-murderer into the house. On the other hand, Dad would probably be happy to help him find the murderers at the local public golf course.
6. Vince Neil
Forget the fact that Vince crashed his car while driving drunk and killed his best friend. Forget the fact that Mom saw him praying on The Surreal Life with M.C. Hammer and got all teary-eyed about how he’d turned his life around. Moms have memories like elephants. If you try to bring Vince home for a nice little backyard barbeque, Mom’s gonna finally put it together that this is the dude from that devil-worshipping, Motley Crue heavy metal band who drank more Jack, snorted more blow and shot up more heroin than is humanly possible. Trust us, she will. Moms are like that.
5. Mike Tyson
Iron Mike is pretty much a joke nowadays, mostly known for weird appearances in stuff like The Hangover and, oh yeah, being stone-cold crazy. But he was once the most dangerous man on the planet and Mom never liked boxing. All that blood, you know, all that senseless violence. She’s probably aware that he spent a long time in prison too. Moms don’t like entertaining your friends who went to prison, unless you grew up with them, and even then you’ll hear about it from Mom later. Your best bet would be to introduce Mike as some Pacific Islander exchange student and watch Mom try to be all PC as she asks him about his face tattoo.
4. Keith Richards
As Denis Leary once famously said, “Kids can’t do drugs; Keith Richards already did them all.” Your Mom probably grew up with the Stones as the soundtrack to her youth. So she knows all about what a bad boy Keef is. And she never liked him anyway. Sure, he wrote great songs, but he was always so naughty. And creepy. Even when she was young he reminded her of a lecherous heroin vampire. And anyway, he’s no Mick.
3. Tom Cruise
Mom goes to church every Sunday. But she sure doesn’t go to that crazy “Hollyweird” church Tom Cruise worships at. Scientology has definitely come around for being a controversial topic, especially if you consider the fact that it’s very popular among celebrities. In general, mom is just not a fan of anything celebrity related. She also really doesn’t like it when you jump on the furniture. With that being said, Tom makes it to number three on this list so is out for sure.
2. Charlie Sheen
Need we say more? She probably had a thing for his Bad Boy good looks way back in the Ferris Bueller /Major League days. But Mom knows the difference between slightly edgy and full-on psycho and Charlie ain’t gonna be playing Monopoly with the family anytime soon. However, if you wanted to bring home his Dad or that nice older brother of his, Mom probably wouldn’t mind.
1. Lindsay Lohan
If you’re anything like us, there might have been a time when your Mom would have thanked the heavens that you finally brought a boy or girl (any girl) home. But those days were a long time ago (we hope!) and Mom’s standards for you have been raised by a steady succession of relatively normal high school and college boyfriends and girlfriends. She sure doesn’t want to see the Queen of the Paparazzi come through the front door stumbling drunk, half-dressed and slurring curses. It’s a pretty fair bet that, even if Mom does allow Lindsay to stay, you’re sleeping on the couch at the other end of the house whether you’re a guy or a gal.