It’s hard work making the life of a dictator look so damn easy. Dictator life requires a despot to monitor an entire nation of millions, employing military troops, blankets of propaganda, secret police, a network of informants and extreme justice in an attempt to “keep it real” on behalf of the citizens he oppresses.
Mercifully, dictators can choose from a large pool of confidants and lackeys who will do anything a dictator orders to fulfill self-interest, including lies, torture, murder and other types of physical and psychological violence.
Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un, son of the ‘Dear Leader Who is a Perfect Incarnation of the Appearance that a Leader Should Have’ Kim Jong-Il, grandson of ‘Eternal President of the Republic’ Kim Il-Sung, is the exception to the rule. As a perfect incarnation of the Dear Leader and the Eternal Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Supreme Leader effortlessly fills the role of dictator.
Unlike other hard-working dictators, Kim Jong-Un doesn’t appear to require effort to make it look easy to be a dictator, which means that he’s totally not a dictator. In fact, Kim Jong-Un is so amazing at his job, a list of twelve not-scary and not-bizarre facts about the DPRK’s Supreme Leader probably won’t bother anyone, anywhere…
12. The Only General in the World Without Military Experience
Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un used his talent, intelligence and deceptively hard work to become the only top-ranked military figure in the world without any military training or previous experience in military matters, other than loving nuclear missiles. It’s a good thing that he’s naturally gifted in military matters, considering that he earned the rank of ‘Daejang’, the same as being called a General in the United States Armed Forces. As a result of his overall excellence, brilliance and masculine toughness, there’s no doubt that he will be able to competently control the fourth largest military in the world, including 1.1 million active members and the world’s largest military reserves, numbering 8 million.
11. Underwent Cosmetic Surgery to Resemble Eternal Leader Grandfather
According to leaks sprung by Chinese diplomats linked to insiders within the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un had plastic surgery years ago in order to look like his Eternal Leader Grandfather Kim Il-Sung. The Korean Central News Agency long stayed silent on the topic, but has recently denounced the reports as “sordid hackwork by rubbish media”, insisting that the idea is “unimaginable” and “a hideous criminal act which the party, states, army and people can never tolerate”, all but confirming that the cosmetic procedure actually did take place. The surgery was apparently an attempt to look more fatherly to the people of the DPRK, which is impossible because the Supreme Leader is already perfect in all ways imaginable.
10. China Believes World’s Youngest Leader is Sexiest Man Alive
Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un became the de facto leader of the DPRK when his father, Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il, unexpectedly passed away earlier than planned, which was clearly the fault of the South Koreans and Americans, according to non-existent historical records. This made Kim Jong-Un the youngest head of state in the world at the age of 30, not that the Supreme Leader needed any more experience, wisdom or training. In addition to being born ready to be Supreme Leader, China believed he was also born to be the world’s sexiest man in 2012, after Chinese media outlets picked up The Onion’s satirical article as a legitimate source of true facts about how women flock to the DPRK’s Supreme Leader.
9. Execution Via Mortar Rounds
In order to maintain the people’s paradise of the DPRK, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un must carry out the people’s will through executions to ensure that over 20,000 political prisoners don’t escape in an attempt to make the DPRK a better place.
In addition to public executions, private executions, infanticide, starvation and getting killed while commuting to work, Supreme Leader shows his love for the populace by arranging particularly notable and exciting methods of execution when the occasion calls for special killing.
An assistant chief of the Ministry of the People’s Armed Forces was punished by mortar for being drunk during the mourning period for his father, with Supreme Leader ordering that “no trace of him down to his hair,” should be left behind.
8. Michael Jordan Obsession
Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un grew up as a huge fan of basketball, especially the NBA and Michael Jordan, and showed absolutely no interest in geopolitics and other machinations of power. His schoolyard friends growing up remembered that he “spent hours doing meticulous pencil drawings” of Michael Jordan.
Apparently, he turned his passion for the sport into actual skill, becoming the star of his school’s basketball team, noted for his competitive spirit and love of all things winning. At one point, a friend recalled a pair of DPRK women recording the future Supreme Leader playing basketball, mimicking another of his basketball heroes: Kobe Bryant.
7. BFFs With Dennis Rodman
The friendship between Supreme Leader and Dennis “The Worm” Rodman is probably one of the least likely social bonds to ever occur in the history of humankind.
It’s nearly impossible to avoid the latest news about Dennis Rodman‘s travels to the DPRK and the blossoming bromance between these two alpha males.
Kim Jong-Un got what he wanted from this unlikely pairing, meeting a real live NBA star who won 5 championships with Michael Jordan’s Bulls and the Bad Boy Pistons lead by Isiah Thomas. Rodman even backed up his BFF during the recent Sony hacks, stating that his “very good” buddy didn’t have the heart to do that sort of thing.
6. Kim Jong-Un’s Feminists’ Paradise and Children’s Heaven Nation
Good news for the DPRK: Supreme Leader decided to apply his youthful experience and newfound sense of empathy to allow women to wear earrings, pants and platform shoes.
Children will also reap the rewards of Supreme Leader’s creation of western decadence, with hamburgers, french fries and pizza no longer banned. Supreme Leader’s enthusiasm was borderline creepy, announcing plans to establish a “Children’s Heaven Nation”, which in no way can be misinterpreted as anything but kind…
Following in the footsteps of Eternal Leader, Supreme Leader seeks to court the youth vote, despite the fact that he’s won every single election campaign in the DPRK by a landslide.
5. Supreme Leader Obliterated His Uncle, Formerly Second-in-Command
Jang Song Thaek was a senior leader of the government of the DPRK and formerly the second most powerful man in the state, behind his brother Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il.
In 2012, a special military tribunal determined that Jang was guilty of grievous crimes against the state, after the Supreme Leader’s uncle confessed to all accusations. Jang’s crimes included dreaming different dreams, spending foreign currency at a foreign casino while receiving treatment at a foreign hospital, wining and dining in back parlors of deluxe restaurants and improper relations with several women.
For these and other crimes, Supreme Leader executed his uncle by firing squad, sending shockwaves throughout the DPRK.
4. Great Leader By Default
Unlike Eternal Leader – who grasped power off the coattails of Lenin – and Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il, who was trained for decades to assume the role of great leader of the DPRK, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un was way more interested in basketball than becoming one of the 50 most powerful people on earth.
According to various reports, Kim Jong-Nam was considered the favored successor before he was caught and arrested in an attempt to visit Disneyland in Japan using a forged passport that stated he was from the Dominican Republic.
3. Secretly Attended School in Switzerland
According to his classmates, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un had an amazing collection of sneakers worth thousands of pounds when he arrived at Liebefeld-Steinholz, a school that he attended under the alias of Pak when he was a child.
Kim Jong-Un was introduced as the son of an embassy worker and his best friend growing up, Joao Micaelo, was the only person at the scholastic institute aware of Supreme Leader’s lineage.
Amusingly, when it came to parent-teacher meetings, Supreme Leader’s chaperones continually made excuses as to why Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il couldn’t attend – not that the school had any idea that the son of Kim Jong-Il attended their classes.
2. DPRK K-POP is the Best K-POP
Supreme Leader Kim-Jong Un personally curated his K-Pop group, called the Moranbong Band, and attended a recent comeback concert even though he was “very busy with the work to protect the destiny of the country and its people from the arrogant and reckless moves of the US imperialists and other hostile forces,” which might be the title of the next hit single by this K-Pop group.
In addition to the short-skirted singers, the group tours with many of the best instrumentalists of the DPRK. Performances usually take place in some sort of military-inspired outfits and feature songs such as “O My Motherland Full of Hope” and “We Think of the Marshal Day and Night”.
1. He’s Not Insane – He’s Power Mad
Despite all the strange, off-beat and tragic news consistently streaming out of the DPRK, it appears that the number one priority of Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un is the maintenance of his power at all costs.
In addition to executing an ex-girlfriend, killing a deputy of defense with mortars and unleashing the hounds on his uncle – not to mention nuclear proliferation – Supreme Leader goes as far as completely erasing his enemies from public records by airbrushing pictures of official photos. All of the actions that the Supreme Leader undertakes, whether they’re violent or bizarre, are carefully calculated efforts to maintain the status quo for the third generation of charismatic dictatorship within the DPRK.