Being part of the first generation of suburban teens to surf the Wild, Wild Web, in that chaotic time before most authority figures got hip to parental controls and pen registers, I am most assuredly not the only one that inadvertently traumatized himself. In the early days, people mostly figured out where to point their browsers by reading top-sites lists printed in actual paper publications like MacWorld and PC Magazine, or they trusted their friends to steer them right or “hilariously” wrong–beyond that, it was every p*rn-addicted adolescent for himself.
Wading this unregulated digital sea of manga and message boards, snuff films and Playboy pictorials, chat rooms, anarchist cookbooks, and Angelfire-hosted personal pages, even with the best intentions, odds were you would run across something that could not be unseen. In contrast to the filth that somehow instantly flooded the Web once it went public, the Internet also brought us playfully vulgar websites like UrbanDictionary.com: A depository of humorously defined sex moves, racial slurs, and other slang terms that no decent human ever needed to know, but now so many do.
This is a list of innocent websites or domain names with alternate meanings that range from silly to dry heave-inducing.
Of all the terms listed here, analemma has the most obvious definition; it is, according to UrbanDictionary.com, a dilemma involving “an*l”. It is the debate over whether to engage in an*l intercourse, usually occurring on anniversary and Valentine’s Day nights, or after drinking too much. If you take a year long time lapse photo of the sun from the same place at the same time of day, the squished figure-8 shape path the sun would appear to take is also called an analemma, and Analemma.com can teach you all about it.
Fudge buckets are “buckets” (but really cups) of family-recipe fudge, at least if you order them through FudgeBuckets.com. If you are trying to spice things up in the bedroom by rooting around in your partner’s “fudge bucket”, you will be doing not as the Romans did, but as their forebears, the Greeks, supposedly enjoyed to do. On UD.com, a fudge bucket is a person’s rect**, an**, and any other organ considered part of the backdoor area. FudgeBuckets.com has apparently moved over 25 tons of fudge to date, but the jury is still out on how many figurative fudge buckets the average human tastes in a lifetime.
It is hard to believe it is a complete coincidence that the Banana Bunker, a single-serving banana container for the health conscious student on the go, is ribbed like the condoms that ‘s*x ed’ teachers across the world are experts at putting over bananas that represent pen**es, in front of giggling teens. As slang, “banana bunker” is a sexist and grossly insensitive term for female anatomy, specifically that body part that wars are fought over and from whence new lives are born to replace the soldiers that die in these wars. Written as an analogy: banana is to pe**s as bunker is to vajayjay.
There are sixteen definitions for “chegg” up on the Urban Dictionary, most of which are either relatively innocent (some referring to specific businesses or food items) or are on the opposite end of the spectrum and are flagrantly gross and/or racist. In fact, a description of Chegg.com which rents textbooks and whose homepage is pictured above, is the second-most popular definition of the term, on UD. The most popular definition is boring but the more heinous descriptions include: (to) ejaculate, violent vomiting, slang for a black person’s testes, and my personal favorite, a person whose butt-cheeks and legs are indistinguishable.
Apparently the surname Cockburn has been Anglicized to be pronounced as “co-burn”, like how US politician John Boener’s name is pronounced, “bay-ner,” to avoid the American English association with erections. But, pronounce these names as euphemistically as they want, these families will never escape the US public’s collectively juvenile sense of humor. At least Cockburn.com had the sense to redirect to URL RealNames.com—a website that sells webmail addresses ending in @cockburn.com. For $35/year, you can have your friends, family, even future employers message you at what UD defines as a penile rash caused by overgrown pubic hair or overzealous, unlubricated mas***bation.
If you think about it, the behavior described by the phrase “golden triangle” is just as positive and possibly well-intentioned as the work of the non-profit corporation called Golden Triangle DC, which serves to keep a clean, safe, and vibrant high traffic commercial district in Washington DC. The area covers some forty-three blocks north of the White House and is called (you guessed it) the Golden Triangle. Performing a “golden triangle” on the other hand requires only two people, not a company, but a male, standing, and a female, sitting, who trust and/or care enough for each other to tinkle adjacently and nonjudgmentally into the same toilet bowl.
“White face” can refer to the opposite of the racist performance art genre called “black face,” but the term made this list for an alternate definition involving a typically white bodily fluid and a low-budget DIY facial mask/exfoliation technique. Thinking outside of the gutter, the “white” in WhiteFace.com refers to the color of snow that covers New York State’s Adirondack mountain range. Whiteface Mountain is obviously a peak in this mountain range but also the name of a ski resort and Olympic-grade training facility and competition staging area; it and other Lake Placid locales hosted the 1932 and 1980 Winter Olympics.
Outside of virtual space, the purple martin is the largest species of swallow flying the North American skies and a ‘species of concern’ to the United States’ government. The Purple Martin Conservation Association, at PurpleMartin.org, is a non-profit dedicated to maintaining the purple martin population by educating the general public on tactics for helping this now partially domesticated (i.e. human-dependent) species. In the bedroom, a purple martin is the member-shaped bruise left behind by a phallic slap to the cheek.
UrbanDictionary.com (UD) shows four major definitions for “black rain,” none of which are classy, but the worst and most graphic of which is: The act of defecating over the stall divider in a public restroom onto one’s unsuspecting neighbor. Alternatively, black rain can apparently refer to heroin, the hail of bullets dispatched by a firing squad, and a stingy person. This latter definition of course was worded on UD as a racial slur, earning it an honorable mention next to literal sh*t storms. BlackRain.de, on the other hand, is the homepage of an underground hard rock, record label.
When talking about that sad trombone sound, the ‘wah, wah, waaaah,’ sound that means somebody just killed the good vibe of a conversation, most bloggers and writers like to make up the fact that everybody thinks this sound originated from, rather than was just popularized by SNL’s “Debbie Downer” (Rachel Dratch) sketch. SadTrombone.com is one of several sites that hosts a royalty free streamable .wav or .mp3 of this sound. A sad trombone, however, is a variation on the rusty trombone: Give a combo reacharound-r**job and you’ve got your classic rusty trombone; add crying to the mix and there’s your sad trombone.
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