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10 Bedroom Hazards That Put Your Manhood In Harm’s Way

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10 Bedroom Hazards That Put Your Manhood In Harm’s Way

The results are in! A new study conducted in Brazil examined a number of cases of “male fractures”, and the positions from which the injury resulted. Basically, scientists got to the bottom of which positions put your little guy at risk.

It’s worth noting that “breaking your thing” is a pretty rare occurrence. There’s no reason to get all slow and gentle if that’s not how you usually do it. It just happens often enough for scientists to want to look into it. Maybe they were curious about what they should avoid in the bedroom. Can you really blame them?

Anyway, we’ve scoured the internet to bring you ten of the riskiest positions for your member. If you’re looking to take bedroom safety to a whole new level, you’ve come to the right place. We know passion sometimes calls for a little extra roughing and tumbling, but now you’ll know what you’re getting yourself into.

Let us say one more thing: if you do break your guy while having sex, the quicker you respond, the better. The faster you get to the emergency room, the better the odds for saving your precious parts. Don’t let embarrassment and fear get in the way of your glorious obelisk. Alright, let’s get this tent party started.

10. Grease Up! We’re Goin’ In!

Via wikimedia.com

Via wikimedia.com

To handle this kind of list, you almost need to be lubricated. Here’s the thing about our first position…. It’s all of them–If you’re not lubricated, that is. One of the best ways to avoid breakage is to make sure everyone’s machines are well-oiled. This includes her, especially. She could tear her walls or suffer minor abrasions if she’s under-lubricated. But you guys are a team. This is a two-person dance. You need to apply whatever lubricant you need on your end to make sure things go smoothly.

So yeah. First item on this list is lubing up.

9. Healthy Dose of Spooning

shutterstock_Cuddling

We wanted to include one super safe position for you, but we didn’t want to put it as number ten. What kind of self-respecting list makers put a non-risky position as the first item on a “riskiest positions” list? Not us, that’s for sure.

So here’s the low-down. Spooning is above and beyond the safest position in which you can get intimate. No catching the pelvic bone, no full bodyweight-slams onto your junk, and no filthy zones hanging close to anyone’s face. (Check out #6). If you fear for your spear after reading this list, side-by-side action should be your go-to for the next few nights. The penile-snap fear is real for now, but it will pass.

We hope.

8. Logging

shutterstock_Woman Hygiene

No, we don’t mean the logging industry. And we aren’t making any lumberjack jokes either! Instead, we mean make sure everyone is keeping track of the stuff going into their body.

It could be argued that the most benign and justifiable object in a woman’s privates would be a tampon. We will use a tampon as the example.

It’s important that she remembers to take it out. If you know she’s on her period, ask her (nicely) if she’s ready to go. It’s all too easy to forget what’s up there after too much fireball. If that happens, well, it’ll be way up there. Like might-need-to-have-a-doctor-remove-it up there. So just remember to take everything out before anything else goes in. You know, logging. Keeping a log.

Alright on to number seven, let’s go.

7. Smashing Melons

Via shutterstock

Via shutterstock

This one almost seems impossible. It’s a snake between two pillows, what could go wrong?

A lot, apparently. Especially if that snake is being controlled by an overly excited primate. The issue doesn’t come from the breasts, but from the sternum. Occasionally, in his excitement, a “gentlemen” can push too hard against the sternum of a woman and damage his manhood. It seems very avoidable with just a little self-control, but we all know that can go out the window in the heat of the moment. As with most of these, your best bet is to stay in control of what you’re doing.

6. Nix the Sixty-Nine

Via maxim.com

Via maxim.com

We’re taking a quick pause here from masculine dangers. If you’re anything like us, you needed some time off from that imagery.

If your one-eyed snake isn’t in danger, then what is? Sorry you asked. Sixty-nining puts you at risk of contracting pink-eye. You don’t have to avoid it completely if this is your thing. Your best bet is to clean yourselves down there…twice…before you guys get all head-to-junk.

Another preventative measure involves protective eye-wear. If she’s really turned on right after you get off the racquetball court, don’t even bother removing those safety goggles. Turns out they can be just as necessary in the bedroom as on the court. Hot.

5. Reverse Cowgirl

shutterstock_Cowgirl

Who would’ve guessed that someone recklessly riding backwards on your pole could be dangerous? Uh…everyone. Anytime someone isn’t looking at what they’re doing, things could get a little dicey. When you’re engorged and you slip out she good land on you, dead-on, causing a snap. There’s also little you can do, as the male, to prevent a freaky angle bending your tall boy the wrong way. No one wants that!

Make sure you stay in, or be prepared to stop at a moment’s notice if you do slip out. If you can’t quit this position, well… I guess we really can’t blame you. Just be careful, all right? We want everyone walking away from this rodeo in one piece.

4. Doggy-Do’s n’ Doggy Don’ts

shutterstock_Chess Sex

Are you a dog? You aren’t? Then what are you doing getting it on like one? Just kidding, we all know doggy style feels great. You just have to be extra careful with this position; as it is another one where it’s easy to drive a bad thrust. Maybe there’s a little misdirection that pushes you to the breaking point.

It’s dangerous for her, too. When you slip out and take aim, make sure you hit the right hole. Doctors see an unfortunate amount of torn anus linings because of an accidental thrust in the wrong spot.

You aren’t going to stop doing it. Just be careful. This one ranked second-highest on the study for causes of male breakage. We don’t wish that on anyone, but if there is a position to break it in, at least this is a pretty amazing one!

3. Self-Service

Via shutterstock

Via shutterstock

That’s right. We got some real eager beavers over here. And by beavers, I just mean dudes giving themselves a hand. Listen, as with any of this, what you do behind closed doors in the privacy of your own bedroom is up to you. It’s really not any of our business. But what on Earth are you watching that causes you to break your own Johnson? Whatever it is, don’t let fear or embarrassment get the best of you. Get over to the hospital so they can patch you up. You’ll be back on that pleasure train in no time. Maybe just take it a little slow to start. Don’t become “that guy” at the hospital that’s always showing up with a fractured pleasure pole.

2. Missionary 

Via shutterstock

Via shutterstock

This is our second choice because it’s the most basic move there is. This is the go-to, the intuitive position, the “know how to do it even though it’s my first time” move. And yet it could break you!

While it’s one of the safer positions out there, it still made the cut for causing some breakage. Best bet? Stay lubed and stay in control. Most breakages happen when you get caught or directed the wrong way.

Even though we rank it here, chances are you’re safe with this one. But, if you’re looking for an excuse to try something out of the ordinary… Be our guests.

1. Girl on Top

shutterstock_Girl On Top

This is the one. This is the most dangerous sex position according to the study. Are you surprised? We were. This one is way more common than some of the more…exotic positions on this list. Easy to see why with how good it feels, It just goes to show you that you don’t really have much to worry about. For as often as this sexual position is performed, there are very few actual breaks. So next time she wants to climb on top, don’t quake like there’s a snake in your boot. You let her saddle you up, partner, it’s time to ride… Yeehaw!

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