So you like to play Pokémon GO. That is cool, we are not here to judge, but with that said, there are certain places that it is never cool to play it, and we mean ever. Why? Well read on to find out.
All right, so at this point pretty much all of us know what Pokémon GOo is. You simply can’t go anywhere without seeing people on their phones whenever you are walking down the street, or even in places that you go looking for new Pokémon. As pretty much all of us know, Pokémon GO is a free-to-play mobile app that you can download for iOS or Android. If you want to play, then you use your phone’s GPS and it brings up all these cool looking Pokémon on your screen, then you catch them.
Of course this game is ridiculously popular at this point, and like most things that are popular there has been a bit of a backlash. There seem to be three kinds of people out there right now: those that don’t care at all about Pokémon Go, those who absolutely love it, and those who hate on it completely.
Well, we are not here to hate on it, that’s for sure. That is not our style at all. Play as much as you want. Have fun, do it up. But with all that said there are some places that you just can’t do it and you have to put the phone away. And here are those 15 places or times where you should never play Pokémon Go.
15. On A First Date
So we get it. You are super excited on your first date. Not that you are excited about your first date; what you are excited about is playing Pokémon Go. Well, we have to suggest that you keep it in your pants. And by “it” we mean your phone. I know, maybe your new date is super into Pokémon Go as well, and maybe it will be a huge icebreaker. But is it worth the risk? On the one hand, if you play this with your new date it might be a bonding experience, but on the other hand it also could not only end your date quickly but you could also be the subject of a story that she might tell for years about “That total nerd I went on a date with that kept trying to catch Bulbasaur.” Hey, Bulbasaur is cool, but so is a second date.
14. While Your Wife Is In Labor
I get it. Of course I do. Sometimes being in labor is really hard. For the guy, I mean. I am not sure at all if it is hard for the woman. I suppose it is, but anyway, my point is: it sure is boring to sit in the hospital. Yes, it is a life changing event, and of course it is a “big deal” to have a baby but that does not mean you can’t while away the time while playing a little Pokemon Go, right? Well no, sadly, you are wrong. And as a husband and a father you better get used to how that one feels. I know that you just saw a Charmander off in the corner, and I know that you totally want to catch it, but you never know- your wife could go into labor right at the very moment that you try and do so, and if that happens get ready to hear about this incident in divorce court five years from now.
13. At Work
I know I am totally wasting my time here. The fact is that most of you are reading this article at work because you are taking a brief break from playing Pokemon Go. I know that all of you are pretending to go to the cafeteria to get coffee, but in reality you are looking for a Charizard. Sadly, your boss probably knows it too, since you have not been at your desk for the last 45 minutes and have been seen walking into walls while you stare at your phone’s screen. Here is the thing. You need to stop playing at work. Not because of any moral reason, but because you are going to need the money that you make at work to keep paying for your phone so you can keep playing Pokemon Go. So stop right now and get back to work. Well, you don’t have to stop right now- you can finish reading this article first.
12. On The Warped Tour
We get that the Warped Tour is a long day. I get that. I went myself a few weeks ago. The temptation might be great to just take a little break from all the bands, and the oppressive heat and just wander around and try and catch a Squirtle. I mean how punk rock is that? There is nothing more hardcore than a Squirtle. The thing is though, you have to keep your head up during the Warped Tour. You could be wandering around minding your own business trying to catch ’em all, when all of a sudden you wander into the mosh pit while Masked Intruder is playing. Before long you are no longer worried about catching Pokemon, you are more worried about catching your teeth that just got knocked out of your mouth.
11. At A Funeral
I get it. You are at a funeral and those things can be a drag. Why are funerals always so long? But regardless, whether it was someone you barely knew or if you are there to pay your last respects to someone you deeply cared about, there is nothing you can do to bring them back. Not only that but you just looked on your phone and there is a Wartortle chilling out in the corner. It may seem like the most normal thing in the world to catch him. But resist that temptation. You never know who is sitting behind you, and believe me, you don’t want to be that guy that was playing Pokemon Go at your Grammie’s funeral. Well, maybe you do want to be that guy, but the rest of us don’t. So hey, don’t be that guy.
10. At Church
This is kind of that whole “don’t play Pokemon Go at a funeral” thing, except in reverse. None of this should really matter. I get that. You went to church, right? I mean you are there, isn’t that enough? Do you really have to be there and paying attention to what is going on and participating too? That almost seems like too much. What can playing a little Pokemon Go hurt? Well, it might not seem like a big deal at the time, but people tend to blow things like this out of proportion. You are just sitting in church and catching a Caterpie and minding your own business, but if people find out they are going to treat you like you are Charles Manson. Do you want to be treated like Charles Manson? No? Then wait until you get done with church to play.
9. While You Are Driving
This one should go without saying, but you know what? It still needs to be said. Remember the good old days when people used to get all wound up when they saw peopel driving and talking on their cell phones? That barely even registers anymore. At least back then people weren’t actually looking at their phones. These days people are constantly texting while they drive and just looking up every 10 seconds or so to make sure they aren’t running over 10 kids at a playground or something. Pokemon Go is even worse, or just as bad anyway. There have been numerous accidents already with people playing Pokemon Go and driving. Hey…don’t do this. Stay alive, if for no other reason than that you can keep playing Pokemon Go.
8. When You Are Flirting
So you just met this super-hot chick at the club. You have been talking for a while now, and things seem to be going pretty well. So well in fact that you are ready to go for it and ask for her number. You lean in and ask her, and she says “Yes.” You pull out your phone and she starts to tell you her digits so you can put them in your contacts. Just then you see a Metapod chilling out in the corner. You lose your concentration and ask for her number again, but this time when she says it you don’t pay any attention at all. You are way too into catching that Pokemon. When you are done doing so, you look up and she is gone. You heard of “don’t hate the player, hate the game?” Well this is more like “be a player and don’t play the game”. Get your work done with the ladies, then go catch ’em all.
7. In A Dark Alley
One of the more amusing things about Pokemon Go is how it turns normally sane and cautious people into crazy risk-takers. In normal life if you even happen to be walking down a dark city street at night, the very last thing you would do would be to walk down a dark alley. If someone offered you $100 to do it you would probably say no. But hey, you are playing the game and according to your phone there is a Butterfree down there, and you so totally have to go grab it. Oh, come on. Really? Do I have to spell it out? Don’t go down the dark alleyway! While there has not been a huge crimewave around Pokemon Go, like some media outlets have made it out to be like, still, just don’t do anything totally stupid, and going down a dark alley at night is totally stupid.
6. Men’s Bathroom
There are still a few places out there that you don’t just go walking around with your phone two inches from your face smiling and giggling. One of the top places on this list, if not the very top, is the men’s room. As unlikely as it seems, there still may be a few people out there that don’t know much about Pokemon Go, and with your luck one of those people might be in the men’s room with you. If that person is using the urinal and you walk toward him all slack-jawed with a blank stare on your face with your phone in front of it, he may just punch you in the neck. Do you want to be punched in the neck? No? Then wait until you get out of the men’s room to use your phone. I know it seems like a big sacrifice, but you will survive.
5. A Playground
This one may need a bit of a qualification. Let’s say you are a mom, and you are pushing a stroller, or maybe you are even with your kid at the playground. Then by all means, if you feel like playing Pokemon Go at the playground, then please do. On the other hand, let’s pretend you have long hair, a beard, have numerous tattoos and are wearing a “Slayer” t-shirt. In this case do not, under any circumstances, wander around the playground with your phone out, pointing it in the direction of children. Hey man, I don’t care what you look like, but the 10 mothers at the playground might, and unless you don’t want to spend your afternoon answering questions that the police are asking you, just avoid the playground.
4. The Middle Of The Street
At this point I think we all are in agreement. Pokemon Go is fun to play, it is not hurting anyone, blah blah blah. Do whatever you want, no one is judging you. If you want to catch them all, then go catch them all. But hey, don’t walk into traffic while trying to catch a Pidgey. It seems silly to even say such a thing, but obviously it kind of needs to be said. I know, you are kind of close, and you need to get just a bit closer, and sure there is a big ice cream truck bearing down on you, but still, you have plenty of time. Dude. No. Get back on the curb. Please do not risk your life. You have a family that cares about you. Or I don’t know, maybe you don’t. But still, it is simply not worth it. Stay in school kids. This has been a public service announcement.
3. While Taking An Uber
So we already covered that you should not drive while on the hunt for Pokemon. I mean, we should not have had to cover it, of course, but we did. So already I can see your wheels spinning. “Hmm, if I can’t drive while looking, then maybe I will take an Uber.” Oh yeah, that is so brilliant. At least until the end of the month when your credit card comes in. Try explaining to your wife or live-in girlfriend that the reason that your credit card bill was $700 last month was all of those nights that you used an Uber to try and chase down that elusive Raticate that you have been trying to catch for so long. She will either break up with you, or if she doesn’t, it will let you know that you should break up with her for not being the type of person that would break up with you for being so stupid.
2. Teaching A Class
I know, students are awful. Why did you decide to become a teacher anyway? Well, that is another story, I suppose. But anyway, there you are teaching a class, while all the kids are trying to sneak out their phones so they can play a little bit of Pokemon Go while you are not looking. How dumb do they think you are? Well, the thing they don’t know is that while they are doing that you have your phone out under your desk trying to do the exact same thing. Not a good idea though- as the teacher you are supposed to be the mature one, remember? But hey, that is the whole thing about Pokemon Go, it turns all of the users into kids. So go ahead and play while teaching, just don’t get caught or you will never hear the end of it.
1. When Doing The Deed
So yeah. Don’t do this. I know that it may be tempting. Sure, you love your girlfriend, she is the best ever, but lately things have been a tiny bit stale in the bedroom. And hey, your phone is right over there on the nightstand. I mean sure, neither one of you is quite done but… HEY! Listen, stop right there. Pokemon Go is simply not more important than doing the deed. Okay, maybe to some people it is, but do not, I repeat, do not, become one of those people. The best part of this whole list to me, is that I know that every single thing I have written so far, one of you out there has done, even though you might not admit it. So put your phone down, and go tell your girlfriend that you love her. Right after you catch Arbok.