The pandering, mudslinging and general dishonesty is underway folks. The four year period is almost finished and the dirtiest of the dirty are at it again, making all manner of ridiculous promises and offers in hopes of being the President of the United States. Barack Obama is heading into his “lame duck” (depending on definition, some say he’s already in it) period and is on his way out, whether he likes it or not. Some are ecstatic about this, while others will miss him dearly.
As with any Presidential election, the candidates are ripe for parody. Donald Trump is facing the most ridicule but is also doing quite well in the polls (just not among the Latino community). Between his abrasive, no-nonsense personality and of course, his hair, there is plenty at which to poke fun. One of the funnier aspects to this election however, is the prevalence of parody candidates. Between animals and made up characters with funny, and occasionally obscene names, hundreds of mock candidates have applied to lead the country. Considering the fact that plenty in the United States are fed up with politics in general, it is no surprise that these characters are getting significant press.
Truly though, while there are requirements such as living in the United States, having been born in the country and being at least 35 years old, anyone can do the job. There are really only two responsibilities: travel and deceive, the same as anyone seeking public office. Pretend to care, go where people will see you, and read speeches when prompted to do so. Here are fifteen fake Presidential candidates who might do a good job, not that any of them can even be elected. This is mostly for fun, but some of the points are very legitimate.
15. Butt Stuff
Butt Stuff doesn’t appear to be any single person, but more of a site aimed at selling t-shirts and other paraphernalia with the slogan “Butt Stuff 2016”. They’ve taken advantage of voter apathy and dissatisfaction with the status quo of the two party system. Moreover, they clearly know how to make a buck, have some entrepreneurial spirit, and have a sense of humor. Put them in charge, see how it turns out, things aren’t going that well right now anyway.
14. Crawfish B. Crawfish
The first of a few animals on this list, Crawfish B. Crawfish is…well…a crawfish. Go figure, right? His campaign started with a Facebook group aimed at getting a massive, red crawfish more support than Republican Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal.
He is described as “a brilliant mind with a consistent record of being a crawfish”. Furthermore he argues on his site that racial, religious and all other forms of difference should be used to bring the country together rather than separate people. Ultimately, his platform boils down to the fact that education is important, ISIS is bad and that he, as a crawfish, is not Bobby Jindal.
“Nobody for President” has been a candidate since the 1970’s. The sentiment for the movement stems from the idea that no single person should have that much power and that politics is a game that corrupts everyone. Furthermore, supporters argue that it doesn’t matter who is in charge due to the fact that two parties have all the power and that voting between one of the two groups does not equal true choice. They also insist that the United States is not a democracy, or a republic, and rather that it is an aristocracy, with leaders that inevitably commit despicable acts, murder people around the world, and spread lies.
This is basically the epitome of voter dissatisfaction. Having nobody in charge might be an interesting change however…it might be worth a shot.
12. Buddy the Cat
The first of a couple of animals and cats on this list is Buddy. Buddy is a Democrat from Glendale, Arizona. There isn’t much of a clear campaign strategy for buddy, but as a cat we can be sure he won’t get the United States into more wars. Furthermore, cats don’t generally cave to social pressure without much thought, because they are notoriously autonomous and quite sure of themselves. Way to go cats.
For those who don’t spend too much time on the internet (good for you), Doge is an internet meme that is based on a shiba inu puppy with very poor grammar. On August 24th, someone filed papers for Doge that involved the line “WOW, SUCH PRESIDENT WILL DO STUFF”.
While there isn’t much of a campaign at this point, Doge for President has produced plenty of memes, Facebook groups, and even a petition on Change.org. So president, much vote.
10. The Ghost of Ronald Reagan
While Presidents are limited to two terms, it is unclear whether their ghosts are subject to the same regulation. Either way, the paperwork has been filed and the ghost of the 1981-1989 president is running. While plenty of people weren’t huge on his policies, he was the man in charge for much of the time when the Soviet Union was dissolving (although his impact on the Cold War is still debated). The economy did well under Reagan overall but he is credited by many people with escalating the drug war, which is becoming increasingly unpopular.
9. Sydney’s Voluptuous Buttocks
A group of people from Buffalo sent in the paperwork on behalf of Sydney’s Voluptuous Buttocks. The campaign website for S.V.B. indicates that the candidate supports diverting money out of offensive actions by the Department of Defense, into education and research. Furthermore, they argue that marijuana should be legalized but stronger drugs should remain illegal but their use should be treated as a medical issue rather than criminal offenses.
The campaign slogan was “Please vote for Sydney’s Butt to be the president. After all, every politician is an a**hole so what’s the difference?” They kind of make a point.
8. HRM Caesar St. Augustine De Buonaparte Emperor of the United States of Turtle Island
This candidate has run in every election since 1996, but hasn’t done very well thus far. He is listed as a resident of Malibu, and while much of his platform is rather unclear, he is an advocate for change; not the Obama type, but actual change. He stamped his campaign paperwork with “Freaks running the planet & continuing to destroy the people who could really make a difference” and “Blacking out alternative candidates explains why there is so much violence in the world.”
7. Jack Sparrow
The case for Jack Sparrow as a national leader is a tough one to make. One of the things that Donald Trump brings to the table is ruthless negotiation, and the same can be said of Sparrow. The man can talk his way out of just about anything and that could be helpful for foreign policy disputes. It is also likely that he would not get the United States involved in any major military conflicts. He’d likely leave the large forces at home and opt for efficient, small special forces operations rather than “shock and awe” and other such ideas.
6. Obi-Wan Kenobi
Given that Obi-Wan lived a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, it will be difficult for him to govern if elected. But with that said, even in death he was able to coach Luke Skywalker and he could show up for the odd meeting or state of the union address.
If there are two things that make the jedi a great leader it is that he can teach and effectively convey information, he fights for good, and that he doesn’t always ruthlessly stick to procedure. Had he stuck to procedure religiously, he and Qui-Gon Jinn would never have trained Anakin Skywalker and the movies would have been pretty dull.
5. Limberbutt McCubbins
The second cat on our list and the highest ranked, Limberbutt McCubbins is a grey tabby cat from Kentucky. His owner Emilee, and her friend Isaac Weiss, filled out the paperwork for him to run for president. He is seeking the Demo-cat-ic nomination. His platform includes maintaining a strong middle class and a living wage for all workers, along with a modified tax code, affordable medical care and more funding for the space program. His campaign slogans are “meow is the time” and “yes, we cat!”
4. Deez Nuts
Deez Nuts is a fictional candidate thought up by fifteen year old Brady Olson of Iowa. The creation of this candidate was sparked by Olson’s frustration with the two party system in the United States. Nuts has a simple platform. He is somewhat libertarian, and believes that congress should not spend more than it takes in taxes. Fairly sensible, right? He has suggested that congressional salaries be cut until the budget is balanced, has indicated that he is in favor of legal abortions and same-sex marriage and that green energy is a good initiative that should be supported by the government. Finally, he says on his website that keeping taxes on businesses low will help keep more jobs in the United States.
3. Sir Trippy Cup aka Young Tripps aka The Goat aka The Prophet aka Earl
Very similar to previously mentioned candidate Deez Nuts, Sir Trippy Cup’s candidacy was born out of a lack of satisfaction with the Republican/Democrat status quo. Sir Trippy Cup is actually Erik Battin of Two Rivers, Wisconsin. He joined shortly after Deez Nuts and will run as a Federalist. Much like Brady Olson, Battin already knows he can’t win, but joined both for the sake of humor and to stir up support for third party candidates.
2. Rocky Balboa
The Italian Stallion is of course, Sylvester Stallone’s character from the boxing movie series of the same name. He went from a complete nobody, but through hard work, and a ton of heart, he became the world champion. He may not be the sharpest when it comes to foreign relations or economics, but having a fictional “rags to riches” boxer as a President could certainly help motivate a few people to get back to work and a few lazy children to get off couches.
1. Marshawn Lynch/Beast Mode
Presidents have lied, started wars, had affairs, and sent young men to their deaths by the millions, but one has yet to enter Beast Mode. Somebody filled out the paperwork and both Marshawn Lynch and his nickname “Beast Mode” are running for office. For those who don’t watch NFL football, Marshawn Lynch is the running back for the Seattle Seahawks, and is one of the best in the business. He gained notoriety off the field for ducking out of press conferences and offering repeated single-word answers when forced to talk to the media by the league.
As President he wouldn’t waste a lot of time in meetings, and we can bet that there would be new subsidies for Skittles and grills. His victory speech would probably be something to the effect of “I appreciate y’all electing me as President, I’m very thankful, I’m just giving this speech so I don’t get fined.”