As difficult as it may be to understand, there are still some misguided people on this planet who don’t believe in evolution; they are undoubtedly the same folks who are convinced Barack Obama is a radical Muslim extremist Hell bent on importing Ebola and ISIS to the United States when he’s not busying himself stealing all their guns, but that’s another article entirely.
Despite reams of scientific evidence going back over 150 years, there is no telling such people that human beings are nothing more than supposedly intelligent animals ourselves; try telling them that all higher life forms began as simple creatures who transformed over eons into their more advanced stages, including our own evolution from lower to higher primate, and you’re very likely to receive a punch in the nose for your efforts to educate them.
There is another way however, and it’s a beauty.
The next time someone claims that evolution is a hoax, point them to this article which will definitively prove that our current appearance as a species is more transient than you might think. For example, the glorified world of celebrity adoration is not without its share of Dr. Moreau specimens that bridge the gap between our modern world and our furry beginnings. Some of these exalted stars more closely resemble our animal cousins than homo sapiens, and whether despite of this or because of it, have become more well known and popular.
There’s just something intrinsically human about noticing someone’s aunt looks like a portly beagle, as long as we keep it to ourselves. Celebrities don’t have that luxury however, as they are out there on ‘the scene’ as much as possible, giving us every opportunity to be alarmed at how much Joan Rivers looked like an 89-year-old cat mummified in Saran Wrap.
Now bear in mind people, this is a tongue-in-cheek effort; we don’t want to be inundated with infuriated fans taking umbrage at the very idea of comparing Tori Spelling to some kind of imploded mutant from a first person space shooter. We would never, ever, EVER defame innocent mutants in that despicable manner; what are you thinking, people?
So in the spirit of ‘Thank Smeagle I don’t look like that,’ let’s examine some celebrities who actually do look like animals.
15) Sarah Jessica Parker – Shetland Pony
SJP has long been associated with all things equine, which has miraculously not harmed her status as a modern, sophisticated metropolitan femme fatale, albeit with a decidedly Mr. Ed vibe. From a precocious teenage television star (Square Pegs) to cinematic bombshell (L.A. Story) to adult television vamp (Sex In The City), Sarah has managed to build an impressively successful career, all while secretly coveting sugar cubes and fresh hay. Little known fact; she’s not of Arabian stock.
14) Jack Nicholson – Female Orangutan
Once known as one of Hollywood’s ‘bad boys,’ Jack Nicholson has effectively morphed from attractive leading man to bloated leaden senior with astonishing dedication. Long gone are the days when a mere sliver of the current version of the man was cinematic gold. It’s clear that with the passage of time, Jack has taken it upon himself to expedite the natural aging process, which clearly doesn’t include proper diet, exercise or any sense of pride. All he has left to fall back on are his millions of dollars and a legacy of incredibly memorable roles that allow him to literally go ape-shit whenever he likes.
13) Zach Galifianakis – Ewok
The Zachmeister is the only member of the list who, by sheer virtue of individuality, merits a nod to an alien entity. There simply isn’t an animal species of this world that can take pride of place before the noble Ewok which Zach’s heritage obviously denotes. Considering the presence of the Ewoks in Star Wars was meant to be strictly for comedy relief (and failed miserably at that), it must now fall on Galifianakis to take up the slack and let it be known that his comedic talent stems primarily from his furry ancestors. Not a moment too soon either, or else we’d all be tempted to slap the fertilizer out of him like any other freaking annoying Ewok.
12) Gary Busey – Baboon
Today, Busey is known to most people as a coked-out has-been who parents use to frighten little kids by saying they’ll turn into ‘that thing’ if they don’t eat their peas. Once upon a time however, his Academy Award-winning performance in The Buddy Holly Story remains eternal proof this guy once had more talent in his little finger than most actors have in an office full of agents. Unfortunately, the talent took a back seat to the powder for far too long, eventually immortalizing this raging maniac as the most belligerent primate in all of Africa.
11) Jared Leto – Sloth
Hairy, slow moving, wide eyed and innocent, Jared Leto is like a man-child wandering the filth laden streets of Hollywood in search of crushed bananas and beetles. Or, he just so frighteningly resembles an adorable little sloth that it makes any DNA testing wholly unnecessary. Currently one of the most sought after actors in the business, it still takes the poor lad 98 minutes to pull his socks on. Word to the wise ladies; you’ll get used to the mould that takes root in his fur which aids in disguising him to predators.
10) Madonna – Alpaca
The “Material Girl” has been somewhat quiet of late, as befitting an over 60-year-old pop diva, but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t left a legacy of righteous hairdos in her wake. Those golden locks have seen more coifs than Marie Antoinette’s entire entourage. Long, short, blonde, dark, up, down, she’s had it all. When you consider the same sumptuous tresses can be found on the head of any common Alpaca however, her whole top knot thing starts to lose its luster.
9) Mickey Rourke – Naked Mole Rat
Well, for anyone who may have wondered what it would be like to be attractive one day and Frankenstein’s monster the next, look no further than the one time Golden Boy of Hollywood, Mickey ‘Stitches’ Rourke. Words are insufficient to describe what would possess someone who was once known as very good looking, to purposefully turn himself into a congealed lump of subterranean rodent protoplasm. One can only hope that Rourke has sufficiently done the ‘Hugo, man of a thousand faces’ routine for the last time.
8) Bruce Jenner – Coiffured Chicken
Not content to be surrounded by a worthless gaggle of women whose vapidity is rivaled only by their unfathomable self absorption, Bruce Jenner, he of the memorable Olympic Decathlon Gold medal, has obviously decided that if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. We should all count ourselves lucky to live in an age where we can marvel at the surgical alchemy that allows an aging former male athlete to transmogrify into a female runaway from a senior’s home. The old adage still holds true; some people are simply born with a silver scalpel in their maw.
7) Ron Perlman – Any freaking abomination of man-beast he wants
Ron Perlman‘s career took off playing a wooly mammoth-type creature on the television hit Beauty and the Beast. The show was inexplicably immensely popular with women who were apparently secretly longing to be romanced by a charming, well educated, wealthy and sophisticated wild boar with impeccable social connections. Moving on to playing Hellboy, the range of Perlman’s animal personas seems endless. Don’t tell us you aren’t looking forward to his one man Broadway epic ‘The ‘Pleistocene Epoch?’ It’s only the musical must see event of the year!
Damn his savage charm and prosthetic imperturbability.
6) Cher – Ostrich
This Gypsy tramp and thief has been immersed in the world of plastic surgery for so long, it’s debatable that any part of her current body contains even the most cursory remnant of her original DNA. Keeping everyone in Hollywood guessing as to which animal species she will most closely resemble after her latest date with the knife is now the longest running mystery in show business. With a coterie of wigs, false eyelashes, fake nails and Christ knows what other fabricated bits and pieces that combine to form this walking advertisement for self destruction, Cher is on schedule to look exactly like a character from a Dr. Seuss story in no time.
5) Beyonce – Toy Poodle
Don’t even say it; we know messing with Queen Bey Bey is opening a world of pain, but let’s just be clear – we are most certainly not laughing at her, we’re laughing with you, at her. Like most billionaire stars today, Beyonce is compelled to change how she looks on a virtually hourly basis, which keeps her 94 personal attendants on call 24/7. And let’s face it, whatever process she undergoes (we’re thinking some kind of automated cell reconstruction chamber outfitted exclusively with diamond studded Gucci interiors), nobody’s complaining. Apart from local fire hydrants.
4) Taylor Swift – Blue Heron
Yes, yes, Taylor Swift now owns the universe as any vacuous television entertainment program will happily inform you. She’s got it all; talent, beauty, hubris, inflated sense of self worth and about 743 trillion dollars. To think she started life humbly as a mere wading bird flitting from pond to pond in search of small fish and crustaceans, only to transform into the single most important life force EVER, is really quite an accomplishment. Though to be fair, up close you can still smell the crawdaddies she had this morning.
3) Rihanna – Tufted Coquette Hummingbird
The Bajan bombshell is one of only a handful of young women who are currently setting all the fashion trends the rest of us can neither afford nor appreciate. Ri-Ri as she is known, could utterly care less. With a mesmerizing flapping of her wings at 300 beats per minute, she can remove herself from the maddening crowd at a moment’s notice, whizzing around like a bat out of Hell and guzzling as much sweet nectar as any garden can grow; and that’s all during a five minute studio recording break.
Eh eh; girl!
2) Keith Richards – Elephant
Is there even any need to put this in context? Rolling Stones lead guitarist and demonic lord of the underworld Keith Richards is dying proof that you rot what you sow. The infinitely hard partying tosser is literally a walking pharmaceutical experiment gone horribly wrong. There was a time when the mere sight of such a person would inevitably lead to being burnt at the stake. Thankfully for Keef however, those days are over, and he and his supernatural eeriness have nothing to fear but sobriety.
1) Donatella Versace – Male Elephant Seal
Well, it’s not like she didn’t bring this on herself. Having inherited the immense wealth accumulated by her deceased sibling, the celebrated designer Gianni Versace, and utterly lacking in any form of talent measurable by even the lowest human standards, Donatella Versace has done what any self disrespecting wastrel would do; she is systematically bankrupting the house of Versace in order to fund an ever increasing schedule of expensive disfigurements. And with results like these, who could blame her? (Answer: everyone).