We’re either here or there, aren’t we? You find yourself wondering if she really knows you or why she never really cares about the things you have to say. The worst part is that you actually care about this relationship and caring about something is horrible. Us guys just can’t ever seem to catch a break. Well, that’s why I’m gearing up to clear the fog on another social situation for the sake of good will and charity. For just five cents a day, you can help a male realize that he’s, in fact, dating a gold digger. That joke is why I’ll probably never do stand up. Anyways, upper-class men, we are so good at making the right business connections, seeing through clients, and even getting the best deals on our overly excessive luxury cars… but we are no match for a charming feline in the romantic wilderness. Robert Louis Stevenson once said, “All human beings are commingled out of good and evil.” So, basically, we’re all a mix of hero and villain. I’m here to point out the villain in your significant other and possibly save your pocket book. Take heed to these signs brethren. Actually, let me stop right there, “Gold Digger” has a female connotation and for the sake of stereotyping I kept it as such, but men are absolutely just as likely to be gold diggers. We just aren’t classy about it. Male gold diggers are just called moochers or “Stephan,” your band member boyfriend of a million years who your friends hate. Now that we got that all cleared up, let’s take this one step at a time, shall we?
12. You Find Yourself At Functions That You Don’t Belong
You’re driving down the highway after work. There’s a fleeting moment before you respond to your “bros” that you already made plans tonight with “bae” and you’re not going to be able to bar stool, tonight. Oh well, it’s only a Wednesday night, you can maybe get permission to have half a beer this Saturday with the friends she actually likes. You finally arrive at some fancy Mexican place, of which, you can only guess exists because of people like your girlfriend. After sitting down, reality finally hits, “I’m the only dude, here.” Being the only male at the table, you’ll maybe be able to fit in five words and will end up with the tab. There’s a very real chance she forced you to come just to pay for her.
11. The Most Effective Apology, Is Buying Her Something
Moments of peace are easily trailed by arguments. Arguments that are completely foreign to you because you’ve never had to deal with a fight over asinine garbage. It’s almost like she just loves to be angry. Her tactic involves wearing you down dry to the point where any kind of treaty would have your signature, instantaneously. Why? Not because either of you understood the fight or the conclusion, but because she really wanted a way to get that new Louis Vuitton purse. The first couple times you won’t really think of it, but as the contractual treaties add up you’ll probably start questioning your relationship.
10. She Throws Tantrums
Take a pause and look me in the eyes. I’ve had to deal with this one personally, before. Let me make it clear that when a man looks at another adult he pseudo cares about throwing a tantrum… part of you, a gear or screw you didn’t know was there, dies. Here’s why: In #11 we discussed the course of an argument that eventually had to reach a tangible resolution. A tantrum is literally the lack of any problem, it’s simply a large child freaking out over something you said the word “no” to. If at any point you tell your girlfriend “no” to something such as an unreasonable trip and she throws a fit… pack your things and leave. Actually, just cut your losses and start a new life.
9. Your Girl Labels Acquaintances By Their Merchandise
You’ll be sitting down at breakfast after a great night. Right before your food comes, you cut the conversation short by remembering something funny your bud, Dave, said. She’ll be like, “oh, you mean Porsche guy?” As if his mother looked at Dave’s father in the hospital and begged him to name their handsome baby boy, “Porsche,” then forced the whole family to change their surnames to “Guy.” Once again, another joke proving why I’ll never do stand up, but you’ll find that she notices and acknowledges people by the brands they can afford. She thinks she’s a Kardashian so she probably made a quizlet of all the luxury brands and can recite them to you.
8. She Uses Sex Like A Loaded Weapon
It’s one in the morning and you’re basically convinced that there’s no way you’re getting any tonight. Then, like a light in the darkest of nights, she walks in wearing lingerie that not even your eyes can understand. It’s easily about to be the most amazing night of your life. She makes you feel like a total stud and you’re reminded of just how awesome you personally think you are. Just as your narcissism sets in she’ll roll over and make a request. It can be anything from a trip to Paris or a camouflaged request for some extravagant gift. Well, there’s really no way you can refuse now.
7. You’re Not Convinced She’s A Real Person
Just about the only thing you’ve seen her do that could possibly prove her humanity is that she “drinks” and sleeps. If only she drank more water. You go out so much and she never really eats anything. Your conversations are completely superficial. The entire extent of depth is as shallow as the fountain that sits in front of your house. It’s almost as if you didn’t spend time together you wouldn’t have anything to talk about and what’s worse is that you aren’t even interested enough in her personality to get to know her. Does she have parents? Did she go to college? How did you both meet? She can’t be a real person, but she has to be because your credit card transactions are.
6. You Show Off Her Looks, First
It’s your annual birthday party, which only happens once a year or ten times in a decade. So she has given you the freedom to have a party, in your honor, because you were born at this particular moment years ago. Once again, it only comes once a year. This is finally the time to have your boys over and introduce your hot girlfriend to them. “Hey, guys this is Katie, my girlfriend. She’s smoking hot.” She’ll smile and introduce herself in a very political way almost as if she’s on camera as the first lady. After maybe five minutes she’ll go back into the party crowd and mingle away. You’re alone with your bros again and you realize that the only redeeming quality you could express to them is that she’s attractive. To your bros, that’s enough, but you’ll probably realize in the long run that looks are never enough.
5. There Is No Reason To Have A Kitchen
“Your password is incorrect, please try again.” Why is it so hard to get your password right the first time? Oh wait, maybe it’s because you don’t actually want to see your bank account. Once logged in, you realize that you did spend thousands of dollars on restaurants this year. Whatever, you’re living the american dream. You look at your kitchen in the dim light and realize that if you had just kept the fifty grand it cost to renovate and put it in some kinda account you could have paid for years of the excessive amounts of times your girl makes you eat out. Can she even cook? Maybe when building this place you could have just gotten rid of the kitchen from the blueprint altogether.
4. She Thinks She’s On A HGTV Show
Is this even my house? Every time you come home she’s redecorated the place and it’s totally unrecognizable. Katie will find any reason to just throw out all of the old stuff and buy, build, or redesign every room. When did she even move in? Well, okay the place does look great, but why does this have to happen every week? You’ll joke about her just tearing down the kitchen because neither of you use it, but she’ll get offended because she picked out the granite counter top, herself. Is there a chance she’s just dating you because she can play sims with your bachelor pad? Oh wow, there’s a garden outside now, maybe this is a good thing? You’ll try and convince yourself that having a freelance decorator as a girlfriend is a plus even if you’re paying for her hobby.
3. Every Event Requires A New Outfit
You finally got that new pool table you’ve been wanting. Except, you’re horrible at pool… but it’s time to practice. After a couple rounds you notice there’s a phone call from your mother coming in which is weird because she doesn’t know how to use that iPhone you got her for her birthday. You pick up and hear the sad news that your grandmother has passed away. You let your girlfriend know and she goes, “That’s horrible. I’ll be right back.” What? You ask why and she lets you know that it’s necessary for her to get a new dress for the funeral. “Yo, just wear one of the thousands of black dresses you have.” She’ll just laugh and drive off with your card. Um, does every function require a new dress?
2. She Has Straight Up Asked You For Money
This is a tough one because we, typically, care about our significant other’s well being. The first time she asks, it’ll make sense to you because she’s never asked before. I mean, she’s hot and, more specifically, your girlfriend. Now, every time you’re leaving for the weekend or on a business trip she’ll casually ask you for money. There is no particular reason that she’s asking other than the fact that she’s actually starting to depend on your cash. The situation is more than likely hopeless because she’s already hooked. At the point where she asks you for money in front of your friends… then it’s definitely too late. Change your name and cancel your accounts.
1. There’s A Very Real Chance She Barely Knows You
The plane just left LAX and it’s you and your girl’s anniversary. How did you even get here? Dating someone who throws tantrums, is a shopaholic, and who you barely know was quite the trek. If you barely know her then chances are she doesn’t know you either. You look at her in the eye and ask, “what was my grandmother’s name? Yeah, the person whose funeral we went to.” She has no idea. Actually, she has no idea about anything in your life. The entire situation will eventually make you realize that she really doesn’t even know you nor does she have the mechanical ability to. As a human being, it’s really important to be with someone who will take the steps necessary to get to know you inside and out. Unless, you’re actually just looking for an extra-ordinarily hot girlfriend who really just, basically, aesthetically exists. If this is the case, just happily walk off the plane for your anniversary weekend in Cabo. You go, bro.