When you take a gander at the world right now, it’s pretty clear we have become some sort of satire of ourselves. It is like the movie Idiocracy, only in real life. One example of this is the simple fact that Donald Trump wants the American presidency. No one is going to push their political leanings on you and say whether that should or shouldn’t happen in this piece. Rather, what if we went somewhere absurd for a moment and thought about some of Donald Trump’s capabilities. What can the man do? Well, um, give us a second…
He has money!
So what can you do with money? Honestly, pretty much anything. As a matter of fact, one of the world’s greatest fictional superheroes became a hero using only that – money, training and a tortured past with dead parents and stuff, but we digress. The funny thing is, Donald Trump has Batman kind of money, the same levels of financial stability. So what if, in some insane twist of fate, this very world we are living in right now had a Batman? A man who was rich and dressed up as a bat to fight crime and keep everything all fairly level? And now to throw an even bigger “what if” into the mix…
What if that very man was Donald Trump? What would happen if Donald Trump used his excessive riches to turn himself into Batman? What would be the end result of that? We think it would go a little something like this…
10. Hairpiece Cowl
Do you actually think someone as vain as Trump would want to cover up his face and delicately crafted hairpiece (which is actually a wild animal) with a huge, black cowl? No way. He would make sure someone created a special hairpiece for him that had the bat points just like Batman’s mask.
Imagine how daunting that would be for criminals to look back and see the animal on Trump’s head actually looking like bat wings, chasing after them? Intense stuff right there.
9. Firing Everyone
One of Donald’s “Trump cards” is his catch phrase from his show, The Apprentice. YOU’RE FIRED. Man, what a catch phrase, huh? That man is a true wordsmith. Anyway, it seems when you watched The Apprentice, he always took great pleasure in pointing his chubby stubs at someone and telling them they’re fired.
If you up his power and social pull as Batman, imagine how out of control his firings would get. Give him the wrong coffee at Starbucks? Fired. Didn’t bring a wet cloth at end of his meal at some 9 star eatery? Fired. Not very Batman-like but they say that cowl goes to your head.
8. His Daughter Would Become Robin
Okay, we’re not even mad about this one. Most people know Trump has a lovely daughter and many comic book nerds know that Batman takes on a female Robin in The Dark Knight comics. Why don’t we put two and two together and assume BatTrump’s Robin would be Ivanka?
We’re not saying she would be a great crime fighter, but we’re pretty sure no one would complain about seeing her rocking some Robin tights.
7. Forced Migration
Keep in mind, one of the first things Batman realizes when he dons the cape is his power. He can kind of do anything and has a limitless reach. Add to that his money and the people he probably has as contacts, and you can see BatTrump doing some pretty extreme stuff.
Not being a huge fan of immigrants (come on, we ALL know his stance on this), it could be said that BatTrump would use the cover of night to snatch up all the illegal immigrants and drop them off back over the border. We’re not saying we agree with it, that stuff is pretty twisted.
6. No Hidden Identity
Here is one thing about BatTrump. He is not humble or quiet or doing any of this altruistically. He wants ALL THE WORLD to know they are in debt to him for his crime fighting and such.
As a matter of fact, it’s also safe to assume he would make some changes to the suit as well. Hate to say it, but…
5. New Bat Signal
The bat signalfrom Batman is the coolest thing of all time. When there’s trouble abound, we shine a big light in the sky with his symbol as a sort of phone call. It is grandiose, and the closest Batman comes to being more Trump-like i.e. very egocentric.
But we all know that the bat signal would no longer be the symbol we all know and love. It would inevitably turn into a big, golden, gaudy T.
4. Batarangs with a Big “T” On Them
One thing about Trump is, he LOVES stamping his name on everything. Rumor is he uses a Sharpie to write a big T on the foreheads of all the women he beds. It’s just a rumor, mind you. So think about some of Batman’s crucial items. You really think the batarang would stay the same?
First off, it would go from black to gold, because Trump is very flamboyant like that. We also know he would emblazon the letter “T” on them so everyone knows… BatTrump was here!
3. His Villain Gallery Would Be Amazing
It should be said that there are two camps right now: the people who love Trump, and the people who hate Trump. The people who love him would side with him and cheer for him and call him the greatest Batman ever. But the people who truly despise would become part of his rogues gallery, meaning they would all become his Penguin, Joker and Two-Face.
Now take a moment to imagine Jerry Seinfeld (who HATES Trump) as his Joker. That is kind of badass and hilarious to imagine, those two in a fight. Forget Jared Leto and Ben Affleck, sign us up for this!
2. Men Would Get Saved A LOT Less Than Women
Like any man with power and money, Trumps like bedding beautiful women. Who can blame him? But it could be said Trump as Batman would take his focus off of men being robbed and mugged, and turn said attention more towards saving women – more accurately, saving attractive women.
If you have a bus filled with Russian mine workers going over a bridge, Batman might be busy that day. But if that same bus is filled with Hawaiian Tropic models, we have a feeling they would survive it.
1. Batmobile Driven by Chauffeur
This final thought is so humorous and true; Trump is not one to take himself from place to place. If he could, he would fly his Trump jet everywhere. But that is not how life works. Sometimes, you just need to get across town.
Imagine a Batman who refused to drive himself because he was just so self-righteous and rich. Crime across town? BatTrump has to call his driver, wait for him or her, and by the time he gets there, the crime is done.
In that sense (and many others), Donald Trump would make the worst Batman ever. Hilarious? Yes. Entertaining? You bet! Useful? Not so much.