Congratulations! You’re in a loving relationship. Your girlfriend is your best friend, your steadfast accomplice, your teammate and your cheerleader. The bond you share seems not only deeper and more unique than any other two people’s but also feels so strong that it’s like nothing could fracture it.
But relationships are deceptively precarious. Many people have had fallings out over the most trifling matters; pettiness breeds resentment like fruit flies in a summer drain. That’s why, despite the intensity of your romantic commitment, there are certain items that you would prefer to never find up in your girlfriend’s room.
Some of the items on this list are just a matter of personal nuisance. They’re icky, and unless you’re into that, you don’t want the person you’re sleeping with to be squattin’ squalid. Others are shady, meaning that if you were to find them, it would mean you were having a whole lot more than occasional annoyance hidden from you. Some just mean she double-timin’ you.
If you’re curious, then get ready for ten things you’d never want to find in your girlfriend’s room.
10. A Shrine To You
Everyone likes to be loved. A compliment from a respected peer can make you grin for the rest of the day. But when compliments come too close and too quickly, they start seeming needy.
The same goes for girlfriends. A little bit of affection is nice, but constant affection is exhausting. So imagine the immediate exhaustion you would experience if you walked into your girlfriend’s room and saw a shrine to you posted up on her wall. The person you thought was totally connected to you actually worships you like a God. So not sexy. NEXT.
9. A Condom That Isn’t Your Size
Great for the lucky few who require Magnums, but typically that is not the case. Most men slip comfortably into the one-size-fits-all basic Trojans. So imagine if one day you went to throw out a piece of chewing gum in your girl’s dustbin and found not a ripped blue package, but a golden wrapper twinkling in the trash.
Boom, instead of throwing out your Chiclet of gum, you’d be throwing out any chance at continued trust and intimacy with your favorite person. But at least she was considerate enough to use protection with her side beau.
8. A Freakin’ Gun
They say that the best thing to do if you’re a woman who gets attacked is to attack right back. Instead of screaming and waiting for someone to help you, it’s best to have a repertoire of martial combos. That said, it’d be freaky to walk into your girlfriend’s room ready for some fun in clean sheets and spot a freaking gun atop her bed.
If she hadn’t had any practice, she’d be a menace to society for danger of her accidentally shooting people, and if she’s had practice then you’d have to negotiate the idea of your girlfriend having become a master marksman without you realizing.
7. A Cockroach
Under someone’s bed is generally the shadiest place in his or her room. It’s annoying to clean, but doesn’t seem dirty unless you really go looking. It’s easy to forget if there’s something funky going underneath your IKEA-bought bed.
If you walked into your girlfriend’s room and saw a cockroach scuttling across the floor, then you could be sure that there was something otherworldly going on beneath the mattress. You wouldn’t even want to get down flat on your belly to find out what, for fear of discovering some kind of apocalyptic ecosystem where cockroaches rule and rats gather around trash can fires.
6. Her Laptop Open To Ashley Madison
Or OKCupid or PlentyOfFish, or ChristianSingles.com, or, or, or. In light of the recent hacks at AshleyMadison, we are giving one slot to online unfaithfulness. The thing about frequenting these websites is that it isn’t the same thing as actual cheating. Cheating, although not always, is more spontaneous and passionate than logging on.
Virtual browsing has this built-in narrative of the online partner being desperate for fresh attention but too trepid to dissolve the relationship and only willing to go as far as he or she can plausibly deny: “I was just seeing what it was about.” It’s a nasty thing no one should ever have to feel.
5. An Invoice From A Private Investigator
You’re a dutiful boyfriend and you like to hang out with your girl. But you also like to go out with friends and get rowdy sometimes. Imagine one night, you were relaxing on your girlfriend’s bed while she was in the shower and you noticed an invoice from private investigation services.
Not only would your girlfriend not trust you, but she’d also be trying to hypothetically bust you having drinks with Nicki Minaj’s stripper doppelganger by hiring some unlicensed ham. You’d expect better from your girlfriend, especially since cross-examining your friends is easier and, more importantly, free.
4. A Dominatrix Outfit You’ve Never Seen Her Wear
There are a lot of stuff you’ve never seen your girlfriend wear. That $250 pair of high-waisted tuxedo pants, for instance. But that’s because your girlfriend, like everyone, is guilty of shopper’s delusion, or the commitment you make in the store to be more fashionable which fades as soon as you leave, but not before jacking your paycheck at the cash register.
A dominatrix outfit, however, would be a bad omen. Because that, unlike the pants, she’d probably be wearing for someone else, and not for roleplay Wednesday but for untaxed income. If you noticed it in the back of the closet, someone else probably noticed it as she was coming down on them with an oiled up horsehair whip.
3. Lots Of $1 Bills
$1 bills, like the dominatrix outfit, are a bad sign for a boyfriend. If your girlfriend ever opens her drawer to reveal a ton of crumpled up $1s, consider grilling her about her profession. She might reveal to you that she has been moonlighting as a stripper.
Being paid in $1s is a giveaway of what many businesses now call “exotic dancing.” And being a stripper is a perfectly fine profession, we encourage all legal and honest ways to make a living, but in spite of that, we assume there aren’t many boyfriends who would want to discover that their girlfriends secretly undress for lustful eyes.
2. A Positive Pregnancy Test
If one day you found a positive pregnancy test in your girlfriend’s room, you would most likely have two thoughts: 1) I hope it’s not mine and 2) I hope it is mine.
“I hope it’s not mine,” because you wouldn’t want to be a dad (unless you did, in which case mazel tov to hypothetical you), and “I hope it is mine,” because if it were not, someone else is the dad.
Neither outcome is particularly enviable, but a positive pregnancy test would mean that one of those outcomes was inevitable. You’d be stuck between a baby and a sad place.
1. An Application to Join ISIS
Even though it might not seem like it in news broadcasts, women play an important role in the Islamic State. A recent BBC piece showed that women in ISIS engage in, for example, social media recruitment. Although that may seem quaint, it’s not somewhere you’d want to see your girlfriend go off to (unless you did, and in which case, mabrouk!).
So if you picked up her journal and an ISIS application slipped out, you wouldn’t be the happiest dude on the block, although you could be a little more at ease knowing that she would at least not be smack amid the gunfire.