A couple of days ago I was at this bar with my buddy, Will. He’s talking to a group of sorority girls while I’m downing a bourbon and coke like it was my job. Alright, you got me, it was just straight bourbon. I’m a writer, so I have really no self respect because, for the most part, I think life is boring and liquor makes things a little more exciting… which is why most writers create “fiction” since reality is bland. Anyways, when I first meet someone at a bar or party the first thing I ask them is “what are you drinking?” Why? Good Question! It’s how I try and figure someone out. A lot of people look at someone’s car or clothes, but I’m all about what’s in the glass. The girl goes, “I can’t drink tonight, so it’s just water.” I’m stumped immediately because now I have no way to figure her out. The old phrase is, “you can’t judge a book by it’s cover.” Well, that’s because the only way to truly judge someone is by what they are drinking. You can tell a lot about a person by their choice in alcoholic hydration. Personally, I don’t trust a person until I drink with them. It’s a type of twisted moral code by which I live my life and let me tell you… it has done wonders for my friendships, personal romance and career. Through my experiences I can, in fact, tell a lot about a person by what eight ounce pleasure they are sipping on. In conclusion, this is why when I tackle an article about what a certain type of beverage tells about a woman… I’m pretty confident I’m correct.
10. Red Wine
Real women drink red wine. It’s a delicate and traditional drink that for years, has been a great companion to housewives, steak dinners, and celebratory binge drinking. A women who religiously enjoys red wine is utmost classy and wants to see her man as such. Show off that Rolex a little bit. Don’t be surprised that women who prefer this beverage are rarely seen at bars. She’s a smooth talker and intricate. Just like the stain this drink would leave if mishandled, rattling a red wine drinker’s cage would leave an irremovable blemish on your life. You’ve been warned.
9. White Wine
White wine is red wine’s rowdy cousin. Being such a popular choice, it is used as the ammo for a budding woman’s alcoholic firearm. Most of the time, white wine is drank straight from the bottle or in crazy large quantities at a time. Girls who enjoy white wine are usually in their early twenties and use the stuff to pregame a night downtown or as Netflix binge fuel for shows you don’t care about. These girls are either crazy attractive or shouldn’t be seen in a tight dress. Did I mention that when I say “white wine,” I’m probably talking about moscato, being one of the only white wines women drink. Note: 10 & 9 are negated for true wine connoisseurs.
8. Sex on the beach
You are probably meeting this girl on a beach, somewhere. Sun-kissed and that bikini looks good on her. STB drinkers are some of the funnest women you could ever meet and if you get to party with them you’re one lucky bro. Every guy wants a piece of her, so get ready to have to work a little. The only real problem is that you’re going to have to listen to grand stories of her ex-boyfriend or how she’s “basically” a model. Being an IBA official beverage, you can bet that any bar will have these, but the best girls are by the shore. Take my word for it.
7. Cranberry Vodka
Don’t try and talk to these drinkers, immediately. They suffer from intense social anxiety and, although very pretty, you’re going to have a problem holding a conversation with her. The game plan is to sit back and wait for her to finish two to four of them and then start your conversation with, “want a shot?” She will almost always turn you down, but now she’s going to think you’re interested. If she’s playing the game, she’s going to say something like, “…but you can get me one of these.” The moment she shakes her exhausted vodka cranberry’s ice cube skeleton, you’re in! She’s going to love talking about romantic comedies and her family, but don’t bring up her love life under any circumstances.
Are you ready for a long-term relationship? Neither is she. These gals love to party. Look at the size of the margarita. If she has the glass that’s comparable to a milk jug, she’s a regular and knows how to flirt. Go ahead and talk to her, she’ll probably buy you a drink, too. Beware, she’s going to gossip the entire time about her girlfriends that she’ll assume you know somehow because you’ll hear their first names countless times. In fact, you’ll be lucky if you get a sentence in cause she is going to be quite the talker. If she has a discount margarita that holds as much liquid as your kindergarten juice box, follow the rules for #7.
5. Four Loko
First, make sure she’s actually over eighteen. I’m being completely serious! If she is even of drinking age, the best thing to do is to turn and run. Second, check you’re surroundings. What party are you at where drinking a four loko is acceptable? Reevaluate your life, man! It’s not even a real drink. I consider it some alien chemistry experiment that causes brain damage and spontaneous puking. Women who think four lokos are an acceptable drink are emotional nutcases who should be at an EDM concert or warped tour. I don’t care how attractive they are, you can do better.
Sangria is Spanish for hangover, but she won’t care. The one thing I love about a sangria drinker is her ability to always have something interesting to say. I mean it! They are not, by any means, dull women. Like wine, sangria is typically married to a type of food, but the exception is that you tend to make the sangria yourself so you can expect that she is going to be a great cook, too. Actually, sangria is basically red wine on steroids so consider sangria drinkers just a step above red wine drinkers. Sophisticated and cultured, you might want to consider dating a sangria enthusiast.
3. Stereotypical Malt Beverages
She was actually so lazy that she couldn’t just grab lemonade and vodka to mix them together. Oh wait, that’s because she isn’t of drinking age. No fully grown women actually goes out and buys mike’s hard or a Smirnoff ice (unless you’re trying to ice someone, which is completely acceptable). I mean, who wants that hangover or stomach ache? To the average girl, it’s probably one of the first alcoholic beverages she’s ever had, but no adult is going out of their way to grab a pack of them. There is a small exception with lime-a-ritas and that whole family of drinks, but I’m not getting into that right now. Just assume a lime-a-rita drinker is trying to party hard and has little to no interest in getting to know you or anyone that night. She’s just trying to black out. Anyways, the only reason you’ll be at a party and see a chick drinking that stuff is because some guy had no idea what else to get her so he just picked the fruitiest thing by the beer isle. In the small chance that I am wrong and you meet an adult female that is drinking one of these in front of you, follow #5, she’s probably a sociopath with a pretty smile.
The only reason she’s in love with this drink is because she watched Sex and the City and thinks she is Carrie Bradshaw. This can only mean her personality is sixty percent of whatever show she just watched and probably is either destined to be a suburban housewife or already is one. Point is, if she doesn’t already have kids, then she is dying to have some and her personality is entirely based on the wind. There really isn’t a way to describe this type of person except you’ll think they are classy based off the way they dress and talk.
Go to www.google.com and search for “engagement rings.” Quick, before it is too late! I bash the idea of marriage a lot, but when it comes down to a beer drinker I must at least consider it. Women who drink beer are unicorns and need to be treated like goddesses. They are down to earth, gorgeous, and actually can make you laugh. You can find them having a good time at bars or throwing down at parties. With fantastic interests and colorful personalities you will be confused as to how much you like them and will reconsider your entire opinion of women. Unfortunately, they are already dating someone. You rarely will ever have the chance to snatch a beer drinking broad. Good luck hunting, bros!