To perfect an unflattering cry face, a celebrity must meet several requirements. First, their regular face usually has to be somewhat normal. It’s just mean to make fun of someone who has a face that isn’t great to begin with and then make fun of them when they’re crying, too. Second, their eyes have to do something out of the ordinary. They have to squint so hard that it looks like they’re trying to push their eyeballs through the other side of their head or that their face is going to implode. Third, their mouth and lips have to look like they’re either trying to crap a fire hydrant or someone just cut off their toe without anesthetic.
The final and most important element of having an ugly celebrity cry face is that people must not be able to avoid the irresistible laughter when looking at them. Even though crying is supposed to evoke a sense of empathy in other people, some celebrities cry so ridiculously that it’s impossible to take them seriously. When a celebrity has an ugly cry face, people must say to themselves, “Are they serious with that face? I mean, isn’t having empathy understanding what other people are feeling? Right now, I don’t know if they’re trying to scare me, make me laugh, or punish me.” Applying all of the above elements, these celebrities pass the ugly cry test with hilariously flying colors.
Quick disclaimer: We’re not commenting on any of these celebrities’ looks; all are attractive individuals. This is meant as a lighthearted article, not a jab. Let’s face it: everyone’s an ugly crier.
10. James Van Der Beek
Having an ugly crying face is far too often looked down upon in society. Instead of looking at James Van Der Beek’s crying face as a liability to his celebrity, what if it became a weapon? What if it became a force for good and America got every ounce of its usefulness?
Just think about it. If James Van Der Beek was named Secretary of State and was negotiating the release of some American hostage, and he started making that face, even the most evil dictator would probably be like, “Okay, okay, you can have her back… just stop making that face.”
9. Lindsay Lohan
Most of the people on the list just have an ugly cry face. Despite the magic of television and Photoshop, they are still human beings and can’t control what they look like when they cry. The problem with Lindsay Lohan, though, is that her cry face doesn’t just stare at a person; it stares into their soul. The wind starts blowing, the rivers start to turn red with blood, and dogs hide under the bed every time Lohan makes her cry face. It’s like every time Lohan cries, a priest is going to just appear out of nowhere and start throwing holy water everywhere.
8. Michael Jordan
Watching Michael Jordan cry is kind of like the first time a son sees his dad cry. There’s this expectation that dad, like Michael Jordan, is somehow invincible. It makes sense, though. Michael Jordan appeared invincible for nearly two decades. He has 6 NBA championship rings and was the most popular player who defined what it means to be a superstar athlete. He inspired so many athletes that there are other A-list athletes who proudly wear gear that have Jordan’s silhouette on it. But nobody wants to be “Like Mike” when the waterworks come on.
7. Farrah Abraham
There is usually a scene in most horror movies where one of the hopeless victims does something incredibly stupid that the audience goes, “Now why would you do that!?” This usually happens when the audience knows who the killer is and the victim makes some mistake that inevitably gets them killed.
The same reaction shows up every time someone makes Farrah Abraham cry. Anybody who has seen her cry understands that it is something that people should avoid at all costs. When someone makes the Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant cry, viewers ask the same question, “Now why would you do that!?”
6. Leann Rimes
Leann Rimes picked the wrong career. Sure, she’s a well recognized country singer who made it big as a teenager. Sure, she’s won two Grammys, several Country Music Awards, and a dozen Billboard awards for her music, but this was never her true calling.
Her true calling would have been in the NFL. Why? Because imagine being a linebacker who lines up across from Leann. The coach would pull out the one secret weapon to scare the heck out of her opponent: her cry face. Unable to move because they are stunned by the face in front of them, she would waltz right past defenders into the end zone.
5. Britney Spears
For anybody following the life and times of Britney Spears, it’s clear that her cry face is easily the least of her problems. At least her cry face is something that she can probably fix. She does this thing where her face kind of becomes one, singular thing. Her chin, jaw, cheeks, and neck kind of puff out. Maybe it’s some kind of warning signal like animals have out in the wild where they let the world know that they’re dangerous and can paralyze everyone in the room. Once her face turns blue, everyone’s in trouble.
4. Claire Danes
500 years from now, students at Mars University will inevitably come across an ancient copy of Homeland, pop it into their virtual reality player, and probably be horrified the first time they see Claire Danes burst into tears. They will write papers and conduct studies about how people of the 21st Century expressed themselves.
They will ponder a number of things. Was she a God? Did she have powers? Why did people in the early 2000s, after seeing her cry, decide to make her famous? Claire Daines’ cry face will baffle scholars for centuries.
3. Heidi Montag
In the voice of David Attenborough, nature show narrator:
“The Montag, native to the hills of southern California, comes out of hiding periodically in search of resources. What makes the Montag so special is its specialized defense mechanism against threats to its well being: her cry face. By decreasing the distance between her eyes and her nose, the Montag puts predators and competitors in a state of fear and extreme confusion. The Montag uses this technique liberally, too. Its furrowed brow coupled with its excessive amount of tears actually paralyzes everyone who stares for just a little too long. There is no known cure for the Montag cry face. Experts suggest just looking away to avoid certain catastrophe.”
2. Tobey Maguire
As told by a New York City television reporter:
“25 minutes. That is the length of time residents in New York City laughed uncontrollably when they saw a man wearing a red jumpsuit crying over the loss of something they can’t even remember. One woman even reported that she laughed so hard she peed her pants when she saw the man kind of dressed like a spider rip off his mask and begin crying. She said she wasn’t sure if making that face was a part of his act that included shooting spider webs out of his arms, but she wanted to congratulate the man, who we can confirm is Peter Parker of New York City, on making their day a bit funnier. So far, nobody has taken his reported efforts as a super hero seriously. Crime has also climbed 200% as a result. Back to you John…”
1. Kim Kardashian
Ever see a person stand in front of a fan that’s blowing really hard? Their whole face just kind of peels back as they squint their eyes real hard. They kind of bare their teeth a little bit because there’s just this onslaught of wind. That’s kind of what Kim Kardashian’s face looks like whenever she starts crying.
Even Kim’s own family can’t keep a straight face when she starts up. It’s so hard to take her seriously because everyone is probably thinking, “Did someone leave a fan on or is Kim upset about something?” Kanye must really be in love if he can overlook that.