It’s a shame. You and your friends are out and see a chick with a smokin’ hot body, but as she gets closer you’re disappointed to see she has a face that would stop a clock. There’s a name for this unfortunate condition: Butterface. (She has a nice body, but her face…whoa!)
The late, great comedian Rodney Dangerfield called these types of women two-baggers – a wife or girlfriend who’s so ugly that you need to carry an extra bag to put over your own head in case the one she’s wearing breaks.
Mean and a little cruel? I suppose. But men have been evaluating women this way since the Stone Age. Hell, when women get together to hang out they’re doing exactly the same thing with every guy who comes walking by. It’s just human nature.
Studies conducted by sociologists and psychologists confirm what we already know to be true- a woman’s looks are the first thing we notice, because obviously the first impression is based on what we see. Later, as we get to know a woman better we become aware of the other qualities that can offset her unfortunate appearance. We come to appreciate her “inner beauty,” manifested in personality, brains, talent, a sense of humor or some other redeeming factors.
Apparently that’s the case for plenty of stars and celebrities who are married to or going out with a woman cursed with a Butterface. Some of these ladies don’t have much of a bod to brag about either. Here are 10 examples.
10. Dean McDermott – Tori Spelling
McDermott had a middling career as an actor and became famous, or I guess notorious is a better way of putting it, for marrying Tori Spelling in 2006. Almost immediately he started cheating on her with every willing bimbo he could cozy up to.
Tori Spelling’s dad Aaron was one of the most prolific and richest TV producers in LA, and that no doubt was a factor in Tori gaining a featured role on Beverly Hills 90210 and its recent reboot. While Tori was busy on the set during the day, Dean was out carousing and his philandering ways were soon discovered.
Naturally, he fell back on the old “I’m a sex addict” excuse (aren’t we all?), portraying himself as a victim in order to gain sympathy. It worked! He even landed a reality series, “True Tori,” showcasing the couple’s struggling marriage and attempts to keep the family together. Hard to blame the guy for having a wandering eye, but on the other hand, the perks of being in the Spelling family are pretty good incentives to keep his pants zipped.
9. Hugh Jackman – Deborah-Lee Furness
While you may feel an overwhelming urge to take a shower after being reminded of the details of the McDermott-Spelling relationship, here’s an apparent example of true love.
Australian hunk Hugh Jackman has looks and talent on loan from God, with a long and successful career on screen and stage. He’s starred on Broadway, played the iconic superhero Wolverine in the X-Men franchise, has shown range as an actor in critically acclaimed dramas and musicals, and is versatile enough to host and perform at the Academy Awards.
A smile from Jackman is enough to make most women moist, and he could have his pick of any number of young and willing babes who’d love to check out Wolverine’s rigid adamantium claws. Yet for 20 years he’s been happily married to plain-Jane Australian producer Deborra-Lee Furness. They have two adopted children and stay well under the radar as they raise their family. This is a case where love is truly blind.
8. Pierce Brosnan – Keely Shaye Smith
When his wife Cassandra died of ovarian cancer in 1991, Pierce Brosnan said he would never marry again. But 10 years later, the former James Bond actor tied the knot with British journalist Keely Shaye Smith.
Hard to believe, but Keely is 11 years younger than Pierce. They’ve raised two children and are apparently still madly in love, judging from how they’re constantly kissing and groping each other in public.
Brosnan told a UK newspaper that Keely has vitality, passion and strength that he couldn’t live without. He said that every time he looks at her, he feels weak in the knees. Coincidentally, that’s exactly how most of us feel as soon as we lay eyes on her.
7. Aaron Johnson – Sam Taylor-Wood
Talk about robbing the cradle. Sam Taylor-Wood was 43 when 19-year-old Aaron Johnson got her pregnant. They met when Taylor-Wood was directing Johnson in a movie called Nowhere Boy, and one thing led to another. The 20-something actor and middle-aged movie director are now married and raising two daughters.
Johnson has appeared in Kick Ass and its sequel and also big budget flicks such as Captain America: Winter Soldier, The Avengers: Age of Ultron and Godzilla.
Taylor-Wood is best known for directing the incredibly overhyped Fifty Shades of Grey. Coincidentally, that’ll be Sam’s hair color when Aaron reaches her present age. Taylor-Wood was attached to direct the sequel, but was replaced after a nasty public dispute with the book’s author, E.L. James. At least that’s freed up some time to explore 50 Shades of Aaron.
6. Ricky Saiz – Chloe Sevigny
Saiz made a name for himself directing Beyonce’s “Yonce” music video in 2013 that featured super hot chicks in skimpy outfits and plenty of bondage imagery. He and Sevigny were friends for a long time, and that must mean he had plenty of time to get used to the hound-like face of the actress, author and Jennifer Lawrence critic.
If you recall, Sevigny complained after last year’s Academy Awards that J-Law was “crass” and “annoying” because of her bubbly personality and tendency to speak her mind. Gee, maybe Chloe is just a teensy bit jealous about Lawrence’s success and ravishing good looks as well.
In a newspaper interview, Sevigny said Lawrence is good at marketing her movies and selling herself to the media. Sevigny also conceded that she personally doesn’t have much charisma, and that’s why she never became a major star. She doesn’t have much going for her when it comes to looks or class either.
5. Matthew Broderick – Sarah Jessica Parker
OK, this one may have to be considered a tie, since Broderick isn’t exactly a candidate for People’s Sexiest Man Alive with his middle age paunch and wardrobe grabbed of the rack at Goodwill. Still, Sarah Jessica Parker is the classic Butterface. The actress best known for her role in Sex in the City has a smokin’ hot body but is cursed with a face that only a jockey could love.
There’s no denying they’ve both had tremendous careers, with Broderick making his mark as Ferris Bueller and other quality films that led to his current status as a premier Broadway actor. Parker is also no slouch, earning two Emmys for her iconic role as Carrie on HBO’s Sex in the City and starring in the movies that followed. Her talent is there for all to see. But her face is best viewed at a distance.
4. Archie Drury – Karolina Kurkova
I’ll admit it. I wouldn’t kick Karolina Kurkova out of bed for eating crackers, seeing as how she’s a Victoria’s Secret lingerie angel and one of the most highly acclaimed and well-compensated supermodels of the past 10 years.
But let’s be honest for a minute. With short hair, the Czech chick looks alarmingly like a post-adolescent Macaulay Culkin. And those giant teeth could eat an apple through a picket fence. Hey, it’s not just me. When Kurkova appeared at an event in South America recently, the snarky Brazilian press made rude comments about her love handles, cellulite and “larger than expected” physique.
Yup, Kurkova does a lot of excellent humanitarian and charity work and is apparently a devoted mother. She’s filthy rich and her future’s so bright she ought to be wearing shades. I just think she may want to consider wearing a face mask along with the sunglasses.
3. Jesse Williams – Aryn Drake-Lee
Williams modeled clothes for top-name brands such as Kenneth Cole and Tommy Hilfiger before landing his longtime role as a hunky doctor on Grey’s Anatomy. But before any of that happened, Williams was a school teacher in New York, and that’s where he met Aryn Drake-Lee.
It’s unusual seeing a plain, somewhat frumpy chick standing arm in arm with such a talented dreamboat actor, but Aryn and Jesse prefer to avoid the Hollywood glitz scene and say they’re trying to live as normal a life as possible.
Williams and Drake-Lee were together for years before Jesse hit the big time, so kudos to both of them for staying together. Aryn is another lady whose inner qualities more than make up for a lack of physical beauty.
2. Clive Owen – Sarah-Jane Fenton
His performance in Closer earned Clive Owen a Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor and an Oscar nomination in 2004, but that was the high water mark of his career. A year later he married plain-Jane Sarah-Jane Fenton, an actress who had a few non-noteworthy movie roles.
Owen was considered the frontrunner to be the next James Bond before the role went to Daniel Craig, but then the couple decided to forego their acting careers in favor of raising a family and living a quiet, normal life. Fenton went back to school and received her Doctorate in Mental Health studies at the University of Birmingham near their home in the UK.
Owen took the occasional supporting part in a number of movies, and moved to TV in the lead role of a popular BBC show called The Knick. He and Sarah-Jane accomplished their goal of raising two daughters away from the limelight with her face, we hope, kept in the shadows.
1. Meek Mill – Nicki Minaj
Meek Mill is another guy who doesn’t seem like much of a prize, but his Butterface girlfriend Nicki Minaj is standing firmly by her man. The rapper was busted for a parole violation following weapons and drug charges that could land him back in the slammer.
Minaj is five years older than Mill, and apparently believes that age brings wisdom. She recently testified on her boyfriend’s behalf at his parole hearing, and told the judge that she will help Mill straighten out his life and teach him how to be an adult.
Minaj told the judge she couldn’t bear the thought of sleeping alone if Meek was sent to jail. For Meek Mill’s sake, let’s hope that when they’re in the sack together Nicki sleeps on her stomach, face down.