Well folks, it’s finally happened; a certifiable miscreant has officially become the front runner for the Republican Presidential nomination. With a decidedly vague and ludicrous campaign of vacuous sloganeering, empty rhetoric, racism, misogyny and no doubt in short order, rabid homophobia, he’s the creep to beat.
NONE of which bodes well for America’s future.
Yet this overgrown Oompa Loompa has faced virtually no criticism for offering zero policy details, absolutely no plans to achieve his idiotic musings or even a credible outline that has the most cursory connection to reality, and he continues to attract those who agree with his inflammatory mendacious nonsense based on their unbridled bigotry.
So, you know, they’ve got that going for them.
In that spirit, let’s help Captain Combover out by suggesting 10 policies he should totally adopt on his journey to the White House.
10) NO CHILD LEFT UNLABORED
“Think of it. Millions of these little parasites are sucking the energy out of hard-working Americans every day, contributing nothing, NOTHING to our economy and way of life. Maybe if they got a little taste of what 12 hours hard labor feels like, they might not be such leeching little blood suckers and the economy would be booming and they could build up their puny little bodies into hard muscled engines of American economic growth; win-win, people.”
9) CASINO COLLEGES
“I prefer places of education that can subsidize themselves. I hate to tell you, NONE of our current colleges or technical schools support themselves. They ALL demand that we, the taxpayers, pay them for the privilege of teaching our children. THINK about that; this is Socialism folks, plain and simple. What I’m saying is that young people like to have fun; college campuses have a lot of empty buildings and gambling is as natural and as American as declaring bankruptcy multiple times and persistently gaming the system. Casino-based colleges are just the logical extension of the massive debt issue with higher education and you don’t have to teach a 19-year-old how to throw money down the drain. There’s no downside here, folks.”
8) AMERICA OR NOTHING
“Now I know some other places around the world think that they have some history or something to be proud of, but let’s be real here people. NONE of them are as good as our American history. They know it, we know it, everyone knows it, but the ‘librul’ media elites would have us all believe that Mexican history is as valid as ours; that European or Asian history can compete with American history. It’s ridiculous and frankly insulting and I know how we can end all the ‘I’m this and you’re that and you should respect my heritage and my culture and blah blah blah.’ It’s nonsense people, okay? I hate to tell you, but the solution is as simple as apple pie. I will magnanimously grant the rest of the world the opportunity to denounce their own histories, sovereignties and traditions and transform themselves into legitimate citizens of my planet and my country by becoming extremely third class US Americans. Problem solved.”
7) TUNNEL TO VENUS
“I’m tremendously excited about this one folks. Apparently there are all these other planets in my solar system that haven’t even been explored yet (who knew?), and you know what that means, don’t you? It means they haven’t been exploited yet, and do you know why? Because our feckless ‘librul’ friends are too scared to assert our God given American authority over everything we see. Think about that, it’s disgusting what cowards they are. Not me folks; you know me, when I say something I mean it, and I say if the risks and the costs of spaceflight to Venus are not feasible or credible or logical or possible, then why stop there? Why not have an alternate plan that’s cost effective and gets the job done? Why not simply tunnel our way to Venus? I haven’t heard anyone in our so-called brilliant scientific community suggest something this practical and pragmatic, and why not? Because all those egghead nerds are in the pocket of Big Science, that’s why. Well I’m gonna change all that; I’m gonna get tremendous people and we’re gonna use convicts and child labor and we’re gonna build that tunnel in no time and it’s gonna be great, just great!”
6) GAS POWERED EVERYTHING
“You know, this country used to be so great; we used to be able to get in our cars and drive for miles and miles and run over things and leave our garbage wherever we wanted and callously destroy the environment because as Americans, this was our destiny, people! And do you know how we were able to do this? It was because of cheap abundant petroleum. That’s right, gas, oil and gas made this country the shining example of what exploiting a natural resource to the point where it threatens our very existence should be, and it was BEAUTIFUL, just beautiful, but that’s gone now. Now we have ‘clean energy’ and ‘solar power’ and ‘wind turbines’ and God knows how many other ridiculous, unproven and frankly suspiciously Communist plans that are crushing our petroleum-based dependence and turning us all into sandal-wearing bearded hippie fairies. ‘What’s the solution Emperor Trump (I’ll talk about that in a minute), you ask? It’s so simple it’s embarrassing, really. The answer is to make everything GAS POWERED! Cell phones, computers, microwave ovens, dishwashers, bicycles, cheerleaders, toys, bandages, food – you name it and it can have a 3 stroke engine slapped on it and before you can say ‘Remember oxygen?’ we’ll have oil and gas on top once again.
God I’m so smart and rich.”
5) THE TRUMP STANDARD
“Let’s just face it; paper money and gold are relics of a bygone age and have ever decreasing value in our modern society. Some have suggested simply printing more money or increasing our gold reserves, but this is just a band-aid, people. The real solution is to move to a more stable and valuable monetary basis.
Which is why I’m announcing today that I will enact ‘The Trump Standard,’ which will revolutionize our commercial dealings with all those other stupid useless ‘countries’ around the globe. It’s a no-brainer that someone as wealthy and rich and handsome and charming and brilliant and mechanized and sexy as myself would be capable of completely realigning our wealth as a nation, based exclusively on how much I’m adored as a living God with more money that Jesus.
DAMN I love me!”
4) FEMALE NUDITY
“You know, I’m pretty sure I don’t have to convince many people that the idea of women in our country being coerced into shedding their clothing at all times in order to demonstrate their natural deference to the superiority of men, could not be more sensible as a means of my cherishing their wholesale worthlessness.”
3) WALLS, WALLS EVERYWHERE WITH NARY AN IMMIGRANT TO LOATHE
“It’s pretty simple, folks; keep ’em all out and keep us in. I guarantee that before taking office, I will have more walls between our nation and the degenerate ‘countries’ that border our shores than any paranoid fool in history, thus sealing off our ability to interact with those who stupidly believe we have any obligation to share my planet with anyone but Americans.
And it won’t cost us a DIME! I know people in China and they know I’m tremendous and can negotiate anything with anyone and lie and manipulate until I get what I want.
If only I could live forever!”
“This has been coming down the pipe for a long time, people, WAY before I decided to win the presidency/kingdom. We’ve known that the US is in desperate need of a new name that properly denotes how important I am to the human race. Therefore, the obvious choice is Trumperica, and I don’t want to hear any guff about it, bitches.”
1) MAKE THE DISABLED EARN THEIR BENEFITS
“Nothing makes me more angry than freeloaders in my great nation taking advantage of my generosity and doing absolutely nothing, NOTHING to deserve free money. So you’re blind, crippled, deaf, infirmed or mentally challenged; THIS means you can’t do your duty as a Trumperican and EARN your damn benefits? This is just crazy; don’t tell me these people can’t be trained to work in factories, mines, undersea exploration, space flights, Olympic marathons or simply enjoy 14 hour days as customer service reps for my new business enterprise, Vampire Financing.
So there you have it, folks, a political platform for a new century, new millennium and a new Emperor for life.
There’s REALLY no other option, people.”