Getting it on is quite necessary, it turns out, if you want to avoid extinction. Some of us here on planet earth seem to be a lot better at it than others. In fact, a lot of it hardly looks like it belongs on this planet at all. But, who are we to judge the mating habits of non-humans? (Well, we are the ones equipped with the ability to think about other species having sex, that’s who). Although, they would surely think making out and general foreplay is for the birds, so to speak.
Making love in the animal kingdom is hardly like anything you’re going to see animated by Disney and voiced by your favorite actors in 3-D. It is a crazy place full of weirdos and deviants… by our standards, of course. For these animals out there though, it’s just another night at the club trying to keep the species going. Not to spoil too much, but a general rule of thumb is: don’t go home with anything that doesn’t have legs; unless you’re a little freaky yourself, that is. So, without any further delay, here is a list of 15 of the wildest hook-ups we could find. Let the judgement begin.
15. The Garter Snake – I Bring All The Boys To The Yard
Let’s start with something you may have actually had the chance to witness first-hand. The red-sided garter snake hibernates, which isn’t that weird in the animal kingdom– what happens between winter naps is, though. Right after the female wakes up, she exudes a pheromone that attracts a wiggling ball of horny man snakes; hundreds of them. You can sometimes see them writhing across rural highways.
To complicate things a little bit, sometimes a male is able to produce both male and female pheromones, causing his very own snake sex ball. Scientists who study sex balls believe this gives him free warmth, helping him conserve energy after hibernation.
14. The Banana Slug – Mine’s Bigger Than Yours
Another candidate with no legs, the banana slug is aptly named for obvious reasons: they are great in daiquiris– no, that’s not it. This thing, like all slugs, is a hermaphrodite, meaning they have both male and female reproductive organs (a few more slugs will show up on our list later). Along with having all the equipment, they also have enormous equipment. Average length of a banana slug is around 6-8 inches. Average length of a banana slug penis is 6-8 inches. In fact, their latin name, dolichyphallus, translates to “giant penis”. Just to put this into perspective, if a human man had a proportionately long penis, he could use the carpool lane.
13. The Silverback Gorilla – Is It In?
We’ll juxtapose Mr./Ms. Giant Penis with these giant primates. Adult male gorillas weigh in at 300-400 lbs. All that weight is packed onto a frame about 5 ½ – 6 feet tall. Their arm span ranges from 7 ½ – 8 ½ feet, and an obese gorilla can weigh up to 600 pounds. They are the largest living primates.
Their erect penises are 1 ¼ inches; virtually undetectable when flaccid. That explains all the sports cars. This isn’t so much of an odd mating habit as it is a hilarious practical joke, but here it is on this list anyway.
12. The Whiptail Lizard – Who Runs The World?
This lovely lady, pictured above is just like her mother… and her daughter. She’s also just like her grandmother. Of all the whiptail lizards in the world, not a single one is male. That’s right, all females. Somewhere along the evolutionary lines, the females figured out they could do this on their own, which should scare the hell out of every man on earth.
The lizards team up with a partner and simulate a mating ritual to stimulate egg laying. Then they trade places to be fair. What hatches is an exact clone of the mother. Kind of makes you question that job security you thought you had, eh fellas?
11. Giraffes – I Need A Drink First
These tall drinks of water have an odd mating ritual that involves tall drinks of something besides water. When the male is ripe for some reproduction, he bends down and gives the female a little nudge between the legs, provoking her to pee. When she does, he gets himself a big mouthful because, apparently, that’s the only way to tell whether or not she is in oestrus (which is like being in heat).
10. Honey Bees – I Never Really Liked Them Anyway
You wouldn’t assume that honey bees have exploding genitalia by looking at them, but they do (yes, we’re serious). When the virgin queen bee decides it’s time to mate, she takes flight with ten, or so, drone bees who are all vying for a shot at royalty. The lucky few dock with the queen mid-flight in a beautiful expression of adoration. And, when that anticipated moment of climax draws near, their testicles explode off their bodies and remain in the queen while they die a relatively miserable death from “blew balls”. The detached genitalia act as plugs to prevent competition from inseminating the queen.
9. Flatworms – Anyone Down For A Fencing Match?
The flatworm, like our banana slug pals, are hermaphrodites. Beyond having male and female genitalia, they are just all-around weirdos. They have one hole for everything. That’s right, they eat, poop, and reproduce in a one-stop-shopping mess of a frightening orifice. And that’s not even the worst of it. This water-dwelling invertebrate has two ‘knife’ penises that they use in a romantic ritual called penis fencing. Essentially, a couple of flatworms partner up and try to stab one another with their penises. The loser gets pregnant. They don’t even bother with the hole, they just inject sperm into the skin of their beloved.
8. Porcupines – Just Once A Year Is Enough For Me
Before these two lovebirds can get it on, there is a very crucial process that must be completed. First of all, timing is everything. Female porcupines are in the mood about 12 hours per year. That is not a typo; they accept mates for half a day per year. When she’s ready, though, it gets strange. She climbs up in a tree and waits for a male porcupine to drench her from head to toe with urine. On top of that, he does this from about six feet away.
If she is displeased with her shower, she screams at the top of her lungs and shakes off the pee. If the lady feels there is some chemistry there, they will climb down from the tree and make it official. And the pressure is on for the guy to perform. She insists on multiple orgasms to the point of exhaustion. If he gets tired first, she’ll slip off in search of another mate. So, be thankful for Tinder.
7. The Sea Hare – Party At My Place!
More hermaphrodites! Here’s a fun tongue-twister: These sea slugs are some serious social ‘sexers’ (ok, I made up that last word). But they really are known to be “social” in their mating ritual. Who remembers that movie The Human Centipede? Well, it seems our friends, the sea hares, have drawn inspiration from this motion picture. Or rather, the movie probably drew inspiration from these guys. Or perhaps it was from actual centipedes?
Back to freaky sex stories… Eager to be a good neighbor, sea hares will meet up for a little key party, say around 9:00pm. Several of them will assemble in a circle formation, each one mounting the slug in front of him/her. They act as a male for the slug in the front, and a female for the slug in the back. Now, that’s accommodating.
6. The Clownfish – It’s Alright, boo, I Gotchu Covered
That’s right, it’s Nemo! And Nemo does some strange things in bed. First of all, a clownfish can change sexes. They typically live in a small school consisting of a female, a male, and several non-breeding males that just kind of clean the house and run errands. The female is the largest of the bunch, with the breeding male next in stature, followed by the boys. Here’s where the sex change takes place: if the female dies, the breeding male turns into a female, and the largest of the non-breeding males gets a promotion. So, as a non-breeding male clownfish, the highest office one can hold involves a complete identity shift– and maybe even a sex change. Talk about job requirements.
5. Bedbugs – I Like Me Some Traumatic Insemination
Kind of like the flatworm, bedbugs are incredibly rude and aggressive during the mating process. Bedbugs’ mating ritual involves them practicing a technique called “traumatic insemination.” It almost doesn’t need any explanation to earn itself a spot on this list. But let’s give you more details anyway. Because who doesn’t want to know how bugs get jiggy with it?
The male finds himself a gal, and then begins the fun. Male bedbugs have what’s called hypodermic genitalia, with which they impale their mates. Where? Anywhere they please, as long as it’s on the female’s abdomen. The sperm are diffused throughout the abdominal tissue and absorbed by the ovaries… Pretty charming story for the grandkids; all nine billion of them.
4. The Giant Panda – Can I Watch?
Up until now, we’ve been concentrating on animal mating habits that are weird by human standards. Get ready because as much as the world loves pandas now, they’re going to love them a whole lot more once this gets out. What sets these giant balls of fluff apart is actually a ritual that humans can really identify with; we invented it, after all. It’s an industry that’s made millions, saved marriages, created jobs, provided entertainment. It’s probably one of man’s proudest accomplishments. This marvel we speak of is none other than the adult entertainment industry. I may have embellished a little, but come on… we love our skin flicks.
You’re probably wondering how this technique was discovered. It’s known that giant pandas often refuse to reproduce in captivity; it’s an actual problem. Well, zoologists in Thailand tried something to get their pandas ‘going’– and it actually worked. The solution: show them video footage of other pandas getting their freak on.
3. The Fruit Fly – One Shot Is All I Need
These things are biological anomalies. They mate in a pretty standard fashion; just a guy and a girl having a good time. But, it’s what’s inside that counts, and what’s inside is insane. The male fruit fly is about 3mm long. One sperm from the fruit fly is about 6mm long! That’s 2.3 inches. Yeah, its sperm is twice as long as the bug itself.
The fruit fly’s delivery is presented in a tangled coil. The bulk of the load helps to displace competition. She is literally full.
Just to put this into perspective. By body mass, if humans had sperm that big, the male scrotum would have to hold over a gallon of sperm. Imagine trying to pick up women with a gallon of milk hanging from your crotch. You’d need special pants.
2. The Straw Itch Mite – I Was Born Ready
These horny dudes don’t waste any time. They come firing right out of the gates, sexually mature at birth. In fact, they are so eager to get going, they just grab the first females they see. But wait, aren’t the first females they see … their sisters? You guessed it. The straw itch mite is born ready, and fully loaded, and goes for his sister.
On top of that, their poor mother has a pretty terrible fate. Before they can find a sister to bang, they need to build their energy for the task to come. So, naturally, they sting their mother incessantly to retrieve bodily fluid and nutrients. And then they’re recharged and ready for action.
1. The Anglerfish – I’ll Keep You Alive If You Give Me Babies
The anglerfish doesn’t so much mate as it does… fuse together like radiation exposure victims. The males of the species have one purpose in life: to find a woman. If it can’t, it dies. They are born extremely smaller than females, and have a few “minor” odd evolutionary disadvantages that will literally kill it if it doesn’t find a mate. For instance, some males’ jaws are incapable of capturing prey. Others have dysfunctional G.I. systems that prevent them from feeding. So the answer to that question, “Where would you be without me?” goes septuple for these guys.
So, how do these poor males copulate and stay alive? Excellent question. When, and if, the male finds a mate, he bites into her. An enzyme in his saliva breaks down the skin of his mouth and the skin around the bite, fusing them together until they share a circulatory system. The male effectively becomes a parasite on the female, and is then dependent on her for nutrients. In exchange, he provides her with sperm for several spawnings and remains living for as long as she does. There’s monogamy in the wild for you.
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